Home

It pains me to think
of the amount of times
I wished I'd come home
to find the house exactly
as I'd left it

How ironic that now
that's what happens,
what I want more than anything 
is to come home and find you
just as I'd left you 

Travel

It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.

How beautiful the country you visit,

How fascinating the people you meet,

How much booze you drink.

You can’t run away from your thoughts.

You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.

Travel solves nothing.

Wedding Days

Out of everyone, I am happy for both of you the most.

I wish you love, health and happiness for the rest of your years together.

You deserve it.

My dreams have long since faded, but I hope I last long enough to see you make yours a reality.

Freezing

I tried really hard today.

To laugh.

To be normal.

To forget.

And I managed, for a while.

But still I lie in bed here, freezing, hoping to go to sleep and dream of you.

Flying

Airports are a terrifying experience for control freaks.

The people, the noise, the unknown…

I already want to go home and I’ve not even left yet.

Pretence

People are easy to fool, on the whole, I find.

They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…

School of Anatomy

He was everything to me for such a long time.

I loved him like I’ll never love anyone ever again.

But then he died.

Now he is your silent teacher.

And I’m so proud of him.

 

God

I wish I believed.

It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.

It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.

It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.

Truly.

But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.

I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.

I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.

Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.

And I’m not sure I have the strength.

Alphabet Heart

Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.

Tomorrow

I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I’m forced to remember you, tomorrow.

Forced to remember those torturous nights.

Forced to remember those heart breaking conversations.

They were so private, so personal, so intense.

Those words only ever destined to leave your lips and reach my ears.

There will be others there that feel the same way about their loved one, I’m sure.

And there will be others there just to watch. To steal someone else’s story to tell as their own.

Fuck them.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I’m forced to remember you, tomorrow.

I just wish you were still here.

And that I didn’t have to go.

The Meaning of Life

Half laughing at some shit joke

Badly told by some prick you can't stand

One eye trained on the nearest exit

But too scared to take your hand

And run

 

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

Lunchtime Walks

Piercing sirens blare
On their way
to an emergency
somewhere

I hope they arrive
in time to avert disaster
and everyone lives
happily ever after

If Only We’d Ended It Then…

I finally understand it.
I have realised the way things are.
I accept it.

I am not your woman.
You are not my man.
You are not mine to have.
I am not yours to hold.

We are friends.

This has always been clear.
You are unobtainable.
Out of my reach.

It's not that I don't care -
I do.
It's not that I'm not jealous - I am.

But now I finally understand it.
Now I have realised the way things are.
Now I accept it.

And it's okay.
Really.

xxx

Must Try Harder

You must try harder, he says.

Harder to smile,

Harder to laugh,

Harder to forgive,

Harder to forget,

Harder to live again,

Harder to love again.

You must try harder, he says.

I can’t, she whispers

I’m sorry.

18 Years & 290 Days

Did I ever really know you at all, I wonder?
There was so much about you that I found fascinating.
Dark, brooding and mysterious.
Inexplicable in so many ways.
The expanse of your mind knew no bounds.
The depths of your heart the same.
You were so enchanting and intoxicating to me.
Such a fragile beauty.

I'm glad you didn't linger.
I'm thankful you didn't wither away.
I'm honoured I was with you, in those final moments.
Because I may never have really known you,
but I knew that look in your eyes.
I knew that grip of your hand.
I know my face was the last thing you saw.
You knew I was there, with you.
You knew I wouldn't leave.
You knew you were loved.

Lies

There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.

And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.

 

Solitude

You get used to it, you know.
Being on your own.
Plus, no one sees you cry.
Which helps.

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?

 

Go

Maybe it would be for the best if I left
Just got the fuck out of here for good

Let's face it, I could

I have no responsibilities
I have no commitments
I have nothing

And it's not like anyone wants me to stay anyway

Still Hear

I still hear your key rattle in the door,
I still hear your footsteps across the floor.
I still hear your rubbish music playing,
I still hear your awesome temper fraying.
I still hear you impart your innate wisdom,
I still hear you berate with fierce criticism.
I still hear you sing your daft wee songs,
I still hear the bubble of your endless bongs.
I still hear you chew too loudly when you eat,
I still hear the thump of your heart beat.
I still hear your laugh and your wry chuckle,
I still hear your beloved belt unbuckle.
I still hear your enticing voice roar,
I still hear your thunderous snore.
I still hear your exasperated sigh,
I still hear your exhausted cry.

I Wish You Were,
Still Here.

Peregrines

I once said you were the most powerful man I knew

But you had to go and prove me wrong, didn't you?

xxx

Two Day Hangovers

You can take a tablet to halt a head ache.
You can eat a sandwich to settle a queasy stomach.
You can sleep a while to revive your weary bones.

But the self loathing?

That shit lingers on inside your head for days. And there’s nothing you can do to help that.

God, hangovers are awful.

Open Ending

It was quite nice talking to you last night.
I was able to forget, for a moment, that my heart is broken.

It felt good to laugh, to smile, to dance.
I thought I'd forgotten how to do those things.

I'm glad we randomly met last night.
But I'm also glad you left when you did.

Now I have the memory of our open ending,
To help mend my grieving heart.

Booze (Pt 2)

It’s killing me. This guilt. Every time I go out. I speak to someone and I feel guilty for laughing. I talk about you and I feel guilty for crying. I feel like every one is watching me, secretly whispering, and I feel guilty for being such an arrogant prick. I think everyone is judging me, pitying me and I feel guilty for not having more faith in people.

So I’m just going to stop going out.  As it will finish me off eventually. This guilt.

Booze (Pt 1)

I hope I find the answers I’m looking for at the bottom of this pint glass.

Otherwise putting make up on to leave the house tonight was a waste of time…

Hope

Your words help guide my wayward step
and shine light in to my darkened heart

Your smile breaks my fall to the kitchen floor
and stems the tears in my haunted eyes

Your touch quietens the incessant voice in my head
and replenishes my embittered soul

You allow me to believe that love might be possible again

One day

Grief Vampire

Paltry, trite sentiment
Faux hurt and pain
Superficial, artificial compassion
Feigned sadness and tears

You've got no fucking idea how this really feels
Grief Vampire
Just piss off back to your crypt
And leave me in peace

Country Roads

I should stop driving late at night.

Especially on country roads.

It’s becoming far too tempting not to press the foot brake.

And I’m not afraid of the darkness…

 

 

Blythswood Square

She remembers she is hungry. She shoves a hand inside the leg of her boot.

Nothing.

She finds herself in Blythswood Square. The shadowy figure approaches her, but she is not afraid. It’s the fourth one tonight.

‘Twenty quid with’ she replies, ‘Twenty five without’.

She leads him down the darkened alley. Still, she is not afraid. He won’t last. They never do.

She reaches for the tissues from her pocket and wipes between her legs. She drops them to the ground as she slides the twenty pound note down into her boot. She puts the fiver inside her bra.

She strides down to Queen Street Station and pays the fifty pence to use the loo. It feels good to wash the stains from her body.

She ambles back up towards Sauchiehall Street to her favourite take away. She eats two slices of pizza with extra jalapenos, hoping to burn the taste of the men from her throat.

She stands outside, smokes a cigarette, and wonders what to do. She trudges back towards Blythswood Square.

Just two more, she thinks. Two more and I can go home.

My Heart

My heart is smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.

I don’t have the glue to put it back together.

And I lost the instruction manual years ago.

Who Goes First?

It’s better that I’m living without you

Rather than you living without me

You’d never cope with this pain

It has wrecked me

But it would have destroyed you

And I would have hated that

Mild Peril

I trace those old scars with my finger
I remember the fleeting pain
And the lasting relief

I never told anyone

I hope I'm not about to re-open old wounds

Literally

Passing Notes in Class 6GA

I think we should stop seeing each other.

I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong and we are going to get found out. I feel so much guilt about what we’ve been doing – it’s not fair on her, you or me. It’s not right that we have to keep our relationship a secret. It means I cannot let you get close to me and you deserve more than that. You need someone who can show off what a brilliant guy you are. Not someone who has to hide you away. Like me.

I want you to know that the times we have shared have been really special to me. I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with you and that’s what makes this so much harder. But it has to be done. Although it kills me to say it: we cannot carry on. I love you with all my heart but putting an end to this now will be the best thing for us both in the long run.

I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll treasure the memories of our clandestine meetings forever.

Please don’t forget me. I know I’ll never forget you.

I’m sorry.

Waiting

It’s like you’ve been round at your pals house for the evening, and you’re going to call me in a minute to tell me you’re on the bus home…

But you never call…

The Only One

You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry. 
You said I was the only one that made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one that mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.

Then you left.

And I was the only one who cried.

 

Sleepless in Riddrie

It's when I think about you the most.
In the wee small hours,
When I can't sleep.
Because of you.

It's your fault.
I say it often and it's true.
You have no right to make me feel the way you do.
Constant simultaneous conflicting emotions.

I know it's just sex between us.
But I feel more.
I know it's not the same for you.
You love another, after all.

I feel more of a connection.
Not just physically but mentally too.
I know when you are going to call or send a message.
It's no surprise: I sense it.

But I am scared.
I don't know the rules to your game.
I don't have the capacity to learn.
Perhaps I never will.

It's okay for you.
You have been here before.
But I know you will get sick of me, eventually.
And I won't know what else to do.

Xxx

Random #11

Sticks and stones definitely break bones
And words have always fucking hurt

Stop feeding your kids this bullshit

It only makes things worse

Falling

I am falling.

Tumbling through the air,

Spinning over and over,

Hurtling towards the ground.

Some fucker has stolen my parachute.

Don’t think I’m surviving this one, eh?

I Can / I Cannot

I can forever buy token things,

But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.

I can try to plug the cavernous gap,

But I cannot avoid that same old trap.

I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,

But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.

I can find different ways to while away the hours,

But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.

I can pray today will be warm and sunny,

But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.

I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,

But I cannot continue to painfully cry.

I can avoid scenes of actual violence,

But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.

I can try with all I have to get myself through,

But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.

The Bridge

Today, I choose not to jump.

Tomorrow, who knows.

I am already standing too close to the edge…

 

Random #9

What I wouldn’t give to be creative
and be able to express it.

What I wouldn’t give
isn’t worth knowing about.

Random #8

Sitting on a wall with Judas dressed in cricket whites

I guess we'll never know

19.06.1997

Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days

It is unbelievable to think that trip 
was three hundred and sixty five days ago.

Just one anonymous face in a sea of many.
My twenty three year old dream realised.

Outstanding.

There was no way to know then where I would be now.
Here, three hundred and sixty five days on, alone.

I would trade every second of that trip,
to have just one more minute,
with you.

xxx

 

‘My Dear’

You, my dear, are a cunt.

I'll maybe never have the courage to tell you to your face. 
But that doesn't make it any less true.

I will never forget what you have done to me.
I will certainly never forgive you.

Your words - like daggers.
Your tears - like acid.
Your heart - like stone.

They mean nothing to me.
You mean nothing to me.

For you, my dear, are a cunt.

Fact.

 

First Day Back

Dishwashers rattle
Kettles bubble
Doors bang
Toilets drip
Heaters blast
Floorboards creak
Keys jangle
Voices whisper
Switches flick
Mouths yawn
Arms stretch
Feet shuffle
Computers hum
Mouse wheels tick
Photocopiers whirr
Printers churn
Keyboards click
Phones trill
Mobiles buzz
Pens scratch
Papers rustle

My Heart Breaks

2am

I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt

I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng

I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only

I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail

I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone

The First

It's deeply distressing when you realise those close to you 
don't know you at all.

I mean I understand.
I put up walls.
Thick granite walls.
Very few people have the strength to break them down.

I'll never trust anyone ever again.
I'll never trust myself ever again.

Delete.
 

Fuck You

Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck

‘7 months on’

I'm not sure what's worse.
Not knowing, or knowing that I could have known
but was too scared to find out.

If only I wasn't so fucking awkward, 
I would know now.
I wouldn't feel the way I do, 
thinking every day 'what if?'

I'm sure you've moved on,
but I haven't.
I'm sure it meant nothing to you in the first place,
but it did to me.
I'm sure you don't even care anyway,
but I do.

I want to find out.
I want to know.
But I don't know what to do.

Please let me know how.
Now.

Friday 29th September 2000

It's been a month now since I moved in with you
and I have never been happier.
Truly.

I know now I love you.
For all the good and all the bad - I love you.
I love being near you,
being around you,
and just having conversations with you.

I love looking after you,
making sure you are okay,
and that you are safe in your head and in your heart.
That you can face the day with a smile.
That is what you do for me, after all.

Whatever happens from now on,
I know I will always love you.
I will always want to be with you,
bicker with you and watch TV with you, 
drink tea with you and sleep next to you.

Just knowing you are there with me is enough.
Just knowing you love me 'a bit' will be enough.

Only I know how much I love you.
I just hope one day you will feel the same.
I hope, with all my heart and soul, that you do already.

I don't think I've cried this month ... at all.

xxx

She

She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles

She wonders if you are the one
The one who she can allow those feelings for again

She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles

She knows 
It's pointless

Loving You…

feels like I've been thrown into the Loch, 
the freezing water sucking me down,
with no one on dry land to throw me a lifeline.

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