The Silent Killer

I’m just sitting here,

Waiting it out,

Biding my time.

Soon,

The axe will fall.

And it’ll all be over.

Thankfully.

Grief 101

Just smile and nod
Even if what they say
Makes no fucking sense.

It’s better to be polite,
After all,
Than to punch people
In the face.

An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
The pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
Choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
If you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
The pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.

Promises

I promise myself
never again
every time
and every time
I believe it.

But the truth is
forgetting you is
a promise
I am powerless
to keep.

IPA

Beer…

maintaining the great divide
between dreams and reality…

since 1993.

Lucky You

My head hurts,
Does yours?

My heart cries,
Does yours?

My body aches,
Does yours?

My soul dies,
Does yours?

How can it?

Your head
is as pretty
as a picture.

Your heart
is full
to bursting.

Your body
is as perfect
as a model,

And your soul
is an eagle
soaring high above
the rocky plains.

Lucky you.

Bank Holidays

Days off
are always
difficult.

There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.

So many
memories
of what we
used to do.

I’d rather
be at
work.

At least
there, I
get paid
to be
miserable.

Lifeline

The rubber ring
floats
towards me.

Thank you
for throwing
it down.

But I have
no desire
to grab it.

The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.

All Surface, No Meaning

When you died,
My world stopped turning.

When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.

As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.

I trudge along…

Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.

Favourites

Tell me your favourite song
And I’ll play it.

Show me your favourite book
And I’ll read it.

Tell me your favourite film
And I’ll watch it.

Show me your favourite shirt
And I’ll wear it.

Tell me I’m your favourite
And I’ll love you.

Forever.

Reminders

It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.

The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.

When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.

My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.

My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.

And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.

Every Day

Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.

Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.

Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.

Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.

The Loaded Gun

Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.

I try to hold on,
To ignore the loaded gun
As I trudge through another day.

For You

I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.

I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.

I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.

Indecision

It's a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.

As I stand and shiver
I can't help but think...

What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?

NFA

If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.

Success

Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above

Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night

Saturdays

Saturdays are made for staying in bed all day.
But it's so cold and lonely, in here, without you.

Space Invader

I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone,
eh?

Just

I don’t really want to die.

At least I don’t think I do.

I just want the pain to stop.

Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.

Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.

Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.

I just want that spark back.

I just want you back.

I just want you.

How Much

It’s unmanageable, how much I grieve for you.

It’s uncomfortable, how much I can’t move on.

It’s unsettling, how much I hate you for leaving me.

It’s undignified, how much I cry for you.

It’s unbearable, how much I still love you.

Conflict

I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

As I soldier on,
as best I can,
the simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions,
slowly kills me.

Out

The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.

He Said / She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

Ghosts

The ghosts that haunt my every day

Will plague my future too

I do not know if I can stay

As I’m fucked here without you

A Chore

If only I
could pair
beautiful
imagery with
my words,
lilting melody
to my song,
revelatory
meaning to
my poetry…

Perhaps it
wouldn’t
bore the
shit out
of you
as much
to read it,
as it
does me to
write it.

Free Fall

I’ve always been troubled.

Born with a darkness at my core.

An ugliness seeping through every fibre of my being.

My body infected with an overall malaise.

I’ve learned, over the years, to hide the monster from most.

Although your death has left me in free fall,

The fact I hate myself and want to die is nothing new.

That’s how I know I can get through this.

And that I’ll be ok.

For Me

Something has to give,
For me to find a reason to live.

Something has to change,
For me to avoid the firing range.

Something good has to come,
For me to choose not to succumb.

Something better has to start,
For me to stop tearing myself apart.

Some other story must be told,
For me to finally come in out of the cold.

Mornings

Mornings are the worst.

Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.

To be honest, I’d rather not bother.

But I suppose I do have bills to pay.

And I do have to feed the cat.

Friendship

Every time I make you laugh another part of me dies inside.

For you can never now be the one to whom I can confide.

It’s my own fault, I know too well, as I should not try to pretend.

But if you could only see past my facade, you’d make a cracking friend.

Everything

I
still think
about you
everyday

You
are the one
I will never
forget

I
am the one
you have already
forgotten

April Fool’s Day

You can stop writing your pithy little poems, for your soul mate isn’t dead.

Your tears need no longer flow.

Your heart can beat again.

It’s an April Fool,

You fool.

Up ↑