Incurable

Grief is like
an incurable
disease.

Taunting
your
thoughts.

Decimating
your
desire.

Liquidating
your
love.

Camping

The warmth of the sun on your face,

The anticipation of a road trip with friends,

The promise of tall tales around the campfire.

It’s the little things that bring the most joy.

Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

Apologies

I’m sorry I act like I don’t care,

I’m sorry it seems like I’m rarely there.

I’m sorry it looks like I don’t even try,

I’m sorry that you’ve never see me cry.

I’m sorry I never appear in a hurry,

I’m sorry I always make you worry.

I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be.

But most of all I’m just sorry for being me.

Finally

I wonder what you’ll all say,

When I finally go away.

I wonder what you’ll all think,

When off into the shadows I slink.

I wonder if you’ll all stop and stare,

When you finally realise I’m no longer there.

Happier

Perhaps we’d
have been
happier
as strangers,

For never
having met.

Perhaps we’d
have been
happier
as strangers,

With nothing
to regret.

How Are You?

It’s easier to say I’m alright, rather then I’m anxious.

It’s easier to say I’m okay, rather than I’m outraged.

It’s easier to say I’m better, rather than I’m broken.

It’s easier to say I’m good, rather than I’m grieving.

It’s easier to say I’m well, rather than I’m wasted.

It’s easier to say I’m fine, rather than I’m fucked.

Match Point

Please,
ignore
me
more and
more
each day.

For you’re
only succeeding
in pushing me
further
away.

Please,
glower
at me
more and
more
each week.

For there is
only so long
I will turn
the other
cheek.

Please,
isolate me
more and
more
as time
goes on.

For we’ll see
who emerges
victorious,
when all is
said and done.

Another Wasted Day

It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.

Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.

Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.

It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.

Indifference

Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I will
Sometimes I won’t.

Deal with it.
Or don’t.

I’m not bothered either way.

At All

I reach
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
the abyss
I fall.

I search
for your face,
but no one cares,
and it’s like you
were never here
at all.

Leap of Faith

Why not
let me
show you
some magic,
he said,
as they lay
on the
laminate floor.

To attempt
to woo me
is tragic,
she said,
but in
her heart
she wasn’t
so sure.

Harbouring Secrets

You have no idea,

As you sit here,

With your good humour and wit.

Now let me be clear,

Kindly fuck off my dear,

‘Cause honestly, you don’t know shit.

Multi Storey Car Parks

As I stand here I wonder…

Who would care, really?

Who would cry?

Who would be bothered to stop and ask why?

Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I couldn’t really go through with it though, could I?

Who would laugh?

Who would sigh?

Is it even possible from up this high?

And then I jump.

Without another care in the world,

or even so much as a goodbye.

5am

Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,

Waking up is never easy.

Missing

I miss
the conversations
we’ll never have.

I miss
the places
we’ll never go.

I miss
the love
we’ll never make.

I miss
the memories
we’ll never share

The Corner of My Eye

I thought I saw you today.

Twice.

The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.

The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.

It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.

And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.

And I cried again today.

Twice.

I Love You

If I met you again,
For the first time,
I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’d do it all again,
Exactly the same,
Taking you under my wing.

But I should have,
if I could have,
told you that
I loved you
more.

Perhaps then
my life now
wouldn’t be
so difficult
to endure.

The Reverse

I’ve never felt happiness,
I don’t know what it is.

I’ve never seen happiness
But I’m sure that it’s not this.

Commitment

You were
always so
terrified
that I
would leave.

When,
after all
was said
and done,
I was the
only one
who stayed.