Grief is like
It’s so peaceful here.
If only the incessant chatter in my head would quieten down,
I might just be able to enjoy it.
The warmth of the sun on your face,
The anticipation of a road trip with friends,
The promise of tall tales around the campfire.
It’s the little things that bring the most joy.
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
I’m sorry I act like I don’t care,
I’m sorry it seems like I’m rarely there.
I’m sorry it looks like I don’t even try,
I’m sorry that you’ve never see me cry.
I’m sorry I never appear in a hurry,
I’m sorry I always make you worry.
I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be.
But most of all I’m just sorry for being me.
I wonder what you’ll all say,
When I finally go away.
I wonder what you’ll all think,
When off into the shadows I slink.
I wonder if you’ll all stop and stare,
When you finally realise I’m no longer there.
It’s easier to say I’m alright, rather then I’m anxious.
It’s easier to say I’m okay, rather than I’m outraged.
It’s easier to say I’m better, rather than I’m broken.
It’s easier to say I’m good, rather than I’m grieving.
It’s easier to say I’m well, rather than I’m wasted.
It’s easier to say I’m fine, rather than I’m fucked.
in pushing me
For there is
only so long
I will turn
For we’ll see
when all is
said and done.
It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.
Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.
Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.
It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I will
Sometimes I won’t.
Deal with it.
I’m not bothered either way.
to see you
a bigger mistake
listen to you.
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
for your face,
but no one cares,
and it’s like you
were never here
as they lay
to woo me
You have no idea,
As you sit here,
With your good humour and wit.
Now let me be clear,
Kindly fuck off my dear,
‘Cause honestly, you don’t know shit.
As I stand here I wonder…
Who would care, really?
Who would cry?
Who would be bothered to stop and ask why?
Should I? Shouldn’t I?
I couldn’t really go through with it though, could I?
Who would laugh?
Who would sigh?
Is it even possible from up this high?
And then I jump.
Without another care in the world,
or even so much as a goodbye.
I don’t matter, me.
I just don’t matter, me.
so that I
Waking up is never easy.
we’ll never have.
we’ll never go.
we’ll never make.
we’ll never share
I thought I saw you today.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Just kill me now, would you?
I can’t be arsed with all this waiting around…
If I met you again,
For the first time,
I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’d do it all again,
Exactly the same,
Taking you under my wing.
But I should have,
if I could have,
told you that
I loved you
my life now
The kindness of others never ceases to amaze me…
…But my inability to replicate it does.
I’ve never felt happiness,
I don’t know what it is.
I’ve never seen happiness
But I’m sure that it’s not this.
I was the