I can’t quite believe
All the time I wasted
Trying to be perfect
When all I created
Was a lie
Bruised
It’s
OK
You
can
say
it
After
all
it’s
true
I
know
you
never
Really
loved
me
Like
how
I loved
you
(Originally Posted 30.04.2020)
Alive
That is the difference
Between you and me
I have no interest
In all of this
Whilst you are happy to be
The Silent Killer
I’m just sitting here,
Waiting it out,
Biding my time.
Soon,
The axe will fall.
And it’ll all be over.
Thankfully.
(Originally Posted 30.04.2019)
Random #194
‘I don’t keep my secrets there
I hide them everywhere…’
Random #193
“You’d be surprised what lengths people will go to not to face what’s real and painful inside them.”
– Kester Gill
That’s All
If I ever write
A book on grief
This will be
The only page
Grief 101
Just smile and nod
Even if what they say
Makes no fucking sense.
It’s better to be polite,
After all,
Than to punch people
In the face.
(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)
Next Day Delivery
If only you knew
All the shit I was buying
Just to see you
On my doorstep smiling
I’d be off your route
Immediately
The Delivery Man
You have no idea,
How much your sideways glance,
Hauls my weary heart,
Through yet another,
Lonely day…
(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)
Stunted
I don’t remember where this was
Or which comedian I was bashing
But I hope they could see
It wasn’t them, but me
That was the reason I wasn’t laughing
Row 3 Seat 5
I don’t know
who said you
were funny
But I think
you’re pretty
witless
This really
wasn’t worth
the money
As I’m sitting
here bored
shitless
(Originally Posted 29.04.2020)
Passing The Parcel
It’ll be you next
When the music stops
So I’ll look away
As your heart drops
An Unwanted Gift
You’ll always carry it with you,
the pain.
You can try to wrap it differently.
Use an alternative box,
choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
if you like.
But you’ll still carry it with you,
the pain.
Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.
(Originally Posted 28.04.2019)
Flattery
There is a fine line
She said
Between charm and bullshit
Get me another beer
She said
And we’ll see if you can find it
The Mutual Appreciation Society
Pour
yourself
a drink
And come
sit with me
Let’s tell
each other
stories
Of how we’re
meant to be
(Originally Posted 28.04.2020)
Altered Images
Was it real
Was it true?
Or was it just
My version of you?
Ambiguity
Is
it
real
What
you
see?
Or
is it
just
Your
version
of me?
(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)
A Healthy Slice
Upon my skin
Those scars abound
A better release
I’ve never found
Precision
Just be
careful
not to
slip
Not one
ounce of
blood to
drip
For you
do not want
them to
see
Just how
messed
up you
can be
(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)
Glutton For Punishment
I tried to forgive you
Once
But I didn’t quite succeed
So I tried to forget you
Twice
But I would never be freed
Promises
I promise myself
never again
every time
and every time
I believe it.
But the truth is
forgetting you is
a promise
I am powerless
to keep.
(Originally Posted 27.04.2019)
Draining The Glass
Yet the fantasy
That promises so much
Rarely delivers
In the end
IPA
Beer
Bridging the great divide
between dreams and reality
Since 1993
(Originally Posted 26.04.2019)
Through Green Eyes
You have it all
In comparison to me
This has always been true
It’s why I’ll never be
Anything more
Than infinitely jealous of you
Lucky You
My head hurts,
Does yours?
My heart cries,
Does yours?
My body aches,
Does yours?
My soul dies,
Does yours?
How can it?
Your head
is as pretty
as a picture.
Your heart
is full
to bursting.
Your body
is as perfect
as a model,
And your soul
flies like an eagle
soaring high above
the rocky plains.
Lucky you.
(Originally Posted 26.04.2019)
To Be Implored
Come once more
Into the darkness
Where we fellow heathens dwell
We’ll speak of our ills
And contemplate our thrills
As we cast out our spell
End Credits
Is that
it now
She
said
Can we
go back?
As I want
nothing more
Than to fade
to black
(Originally Posted 26.04.2020)
Cones
But there comes
A point
When enough
Is enough
Circles
Enough of you
is
too much
Too much of you
is
never enough
(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)
It’s Not Rocket Science
You should start a diary
He said
And we can talk it through next week
I’ve been keeping one for years
She said
If you’d like to sneak a peek
‘What’s Good For The Goose…’
Just write it down
He said
How hard can it be
But he had never encountered
Someone as fucked up as me
(Originally Posted 25.04.2020)
I Am Now
I do not look
Over my shoulder
For I am brave
I am bolder
You will not beat me
Any longer
Because I am better
I am stronger
Yearning
Time passes
Like a dream
In my mind
As I remember
Everything
I’ve left behind
(Originally Posted 25.04.2020)
Her Spiritual Home
She went to Glasgow
On Friday there
And was amazed at how much
She remembered
She intrinsically knew
She would live there again
Just as they had both intended
Head Over Heels
She
once
asked
Have
you
got a
light?
Then
never
went
home
After
that
night
(Originally Posted 24.04.2020)
tEXting
Why bother saying in person
When you can say in a text
You don’t want to get
Back together
It’s just that you want sex
You’ll Need To Do Better Than That
Don’t
get me
wrong or
anything
It was
nice
to hear
from
you
But
you’ve
done
nothing
at all
to make
me believe
That
your
intentions
are true
(Originally Posted 24.04.2020)
In The Next Life
My only wish
Is to see you again
As I really do miss you,
My friend
Maybe One Day
My body
decays
and
My mind
forgets
but
My heart
desires
and
My soul
awakens
(Originally Posted 23.04.2019)
Divorce
I know you don’t
Want to live with me
But I hope one day
You can forgive me
For all that I
Have done and said
Since the day we met
And after we wed
Love Or Hate
It’s
hard
to
know
which
is
which
When
you
can
be
such
a
bitch
(Originally Posted 23.04.2020)
Random #192
‘Toe to toe
Dancing very close
Barely breathing
Almost comatose’
Random #191
“The biggest musical influence on me was my mum. We were both enraptured by music.”
– Johnny Marr
Fantasy Land
Why can’t it be
Like it is on TV
Where everyone lives happily
Ever after
Slap And Tickle
I
have
tried to
move on
My
feelings
for you
to shelve
But
it seems
when push
comes to
shove
I just
can’t
help
myself
(Originally Posted 22.04.2020)
Plastic Forks
No more fish and chips for you
Or a macaroni pie for me
It’s not the same
On my own
Sitting here by the sea
Bank Holidays
Days off
are always
difficult.
There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.
So many
memories
of what we
used to do.
At least
at work, I
get paid
to be
miserable.
(Originally Posted 22.04.2019)
‘Suffer The Children’
Forever
She replied
You deserve eternal damnation
For what you have tried to hide
Upon The Cross
How long
Must I wait
For salvation?
(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)
Overrated
Please do not look upon me
With your pity and dismay
For this last few years
Have taught me
Feelings aren’t shit anyway
Blackout
I
don’t
want
to feel
better
I
don’t
want
to feel
at all
(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)
Best Laid Plans
Life will never be linear
He said
The path won’t always be straight
The trick is to just hold on
He said
And try your best to navigate
Trauma
But
you
were
doing
so well
He
said
I
don’t
quite
understand
Coming
back
from
hell
She
said
Doesn’t
always
go to
plan
(Originally Posted 20.04.2020)
Should’ve Used Housebricks
You lived to see another day
He said
Why aren’t you happy about that
Because I had made my choice
She said
And in the end my plan fell flat
Lifeline
The rubber ring
floats
towards me.
Thank you
for throwing
it down.
But I have
no desire
to grab it.
The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.
(Originally Posted 20.04.2019)
Saying So Myself
Perhaps
I’m not so bad
At this poetry lark
After all
Interlude
Time has dragged on today
Even more than most
It started off quite well too
Sitting down with tea and toast
But then the clock seemed to stop
At some point this afternoon
When opening up my laptop
Did nothing to lift the gloom
And as the evening drew itself in
I have sat here all alone
Thouroughly bored in my own skin
Barely stifling a groan
So now I guess I’ll go to bed
And lie there on my own
Until the clock stops in my head
And I dream in monochrome
(Originally Posted 20.04.2020)
‘How You Doin’?’
A line once stolen
From a show on TV
Reworked and rewritten
Now belongs to me
Transgressions
In the beginning
I would always try
To be as honest as I could be
But in the end I fell
So far from the truth
That the line was a dot to me
(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)
Reading Out Loud
Although there is
A lot to be said
For these stream of consciousness pieces
There is a case to be made
For punctuation
As the ability to breathe decreases
Haste Ye Back
Something tells me this won’t be our last as you realise you want me and return so fast to where my arms do so openly await as we slowly allow that twist of fate to keep us ensconced together forever come hell or high water whatever the weather as the love we make is all we need for our hearts to open and minds to be freed
(Originally Posted 19.04.2020)
The Watershed
OK, perhaps not quite meaningless
But certainly everything changed
And though life now may be
Somewhat better for me
That numbness has definitely remained
All Surface, No Meaning
When you died,
My world stopped turning.
When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.
As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.
I trudge along…
Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
Sickly Sweet
Oh isn’t young love a dream
Isn’t it so fucking cute
Like a cat who got all the cream
Reading this, I want to puke
Favourites
Tell me your favourite song
And I’ll play it.
Show me your favourite book
And I’ll read it.
Tell me your favourite film
And I’ll watch it.
Show me your favourite shirt
And I’ll wear it.
Tell me I’m your favourite
And I’ll love you.
Forever.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
‘Life Is Unfair’
It hurts almost as much
To see how sad I was
As it does
To remember you
Reminders
It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.
The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.
When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.
My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.
My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.
And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
My Saviour
Thank God you came over
She said
I was starting to get bored
Now the real fun begins
He said
Of that you can rest assured
With A Twist
Is
it
too
early
to start
drinking
She
asked
As
this
is
too
much
to bear
That’s
exactly
what
I was
thinking
He
said
As
he
pulled
up a
chair
(Originally Posted 17.04.2020)
‘Modern Life Is Rubbish’
Now
I am just
Still
Every Day
Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.
Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.
Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.
Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.
(Originally Posted 17.04.2019)
The Firing Line
Dodging bullets
Since 1980
And showing no signs of stopping
The Loaded Gun
Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.
I try to hold on,
To ignore the gun
And trudge through yet another day.
(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)
‘Some Kind Of Bliss’
So now we’ve disappeared
He said
What do you propose we do next
Absolutely fuck all
She said
Let’s just enjoy the rest
Off Grid
So
what
is your
plan
He
asked
Where
do we
go from
here?
I
haven’t
got a
clue
She
said
Shall
we
just
disappear?
(Originally Posted 16.04.2020)
More Secrets
I’ve been trying so hard
To be honest with you
To believe what I say
And mean what I do
But as I have struggled
This I know to be true
I must always and forever
Fake it with you
For You
I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.
I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.
I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.
(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)
Random #190
‘You know I’m born to lose
And gambling’s for fools
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna live for ever!’
Random #189
“Life becomes a habit. You get up, dress, eat, go tae work, clock in etcetera etcetera automatically, and think about nothing but the pay packet on Friday and the booze-up last Saturday. Life’s easy when you’re a robot.”
– Alasdair Gray
The Edge Of The World
It’s been a while
Since I’ve been up there
And for that I am glad
As I know next time
I climb those steps
I won’t ever be coming back
Indecision
It’s a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.
As I stand and shiver
I can’t help but think…
What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?
(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)
‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head’
Head in pain
Lying out in the rain
Wondering how
I’ll ever love again
NFA
If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.
(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)
The Cliché Continues
Still here
Still pretending
Still living
With grief unending
Sick & Tired
And
so
begins
another
day
Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok
If
only
there
was
another
way
As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
Caring Even Less Now Than I Did Then
I just want you to know
She said
I haven’t missed you one bit
My life has improved dramatically
She said
Without your presence in it
Couldn’t Give A Fuck, Mate
I just
want
you to
know
He
said
That
I don’t
like you
anymore
Please,
join
the
queue
She
said
After
all, I’ve
been here
before
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
Thesaurus Required
Two cunts so far this week
Is perhaps a bit of a worry
I really don’t see me
Winning prizes for poetry
In any kind of a fucking hurry
Disdain
It would have been quite easy
Had you wanted to commit
To just imagine for a second
What it’s like to go through with it
But in the end you chose not to
Which leads me to be blunt
Because of the things you did not do
You really are a cunt
(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)
*Cringes*
It only took seconds
To write this one
And really, I should have binned it
Now it’s a lesson
That it’s not all progression
And sometimes, it’s better to edit
Success
Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above
Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night
(Originally Posted 13.04.2019)
Console(d)
I wrote this one
When I went back into the office
Although the thought of working
Left me feeling nauseous
I knew I had to return
And get it out of the way
But nothing really prepared me
For that difficult first day
All those well meaning people
Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit
All approaching me awkwardly
Asking how I was coping with it
Was there something they could say
Or anything they could do
Telling me they were here for me
Making sure that much I knew
I remember hiding in the bathroom
Just for a bit of peace
Hoping that back at my desk
Their annoying behaviour would cease
Then one day their fawning stopped
Like enough sympathy had been shown
And those incessant space invaders
Began to leave me the fuck alone
Space Invader
I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
Two Heads Can Be Better Than One
There’s nothing wrong with being self sufficient
She said
After all it’s got me this far
I never said you weren’t resilient
He said
But that doesn’t have to be all you are
Toolkit
You wish you could fix me,
But you can’t.
I wish I would let you,
But I won’t.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
But It’s So Brutally Apt
So you’re another year older, eh?
And yet you’re still a cunt
Aging it seems, sadly for you,
Changes nothing on that front
(Not Too) Many Happy Returns
Happy
Birthday
to you
I hope
you
have
fun
I didn’t
send you
a card
Because
you don’t
deserve
one
(Originally Posted 11.04.2020)
‘Show Me, Show Me, Show Me…’
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
‘Happy Or Sad?’
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
Old Ground
You must decide
Who you want to let go
And who it is you want to retain
For there is no way
I can spend another day
Going over all this again
Right Person / Wrong Time
I do
appreciate
what
we
had
But
lament
what
could
have
been
You
and
me
together
forever
With
nobody
inbetween
(Originally Posted 09.04.2020)
In
The days still march on,
But now I run forward.
Always in step,
Everything in place,
And just about in time.
Out
The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
Random #188
‘She can
Start
To walk out
When she wants’
Random #187
‘Big mistake. Big. Huge.’
– Vivian Ward
Actually…
I actually have
A lot more to give
Than this wee ditty suggests
I actually am
Quite the catch
Despite my ongoing protests
Damaged Goods
It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me
You
deserve
to be
happy
But
you
won’t
get to
share
In
anything
with
me
But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
Pillow Thoughts
If only I’d been honest
Back then
And told him how I felt
I wouldn’t be lying
Here alone again
Ruing the blow I dealt
Pillow Talk
I’ll
never
be able
to give
you
Exactly
what
you
want
I can be
your
standby
fuck
buddy
But
never
your
confidant
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
Our Father
I no longer go to confession
For who is He
To mete out my punishment?
As if in just one session
There could possibly be
Anything close to moral replenishment
Hail Mary
You’d think
now I
have more
time on
my hands
I’d be
thinking
about the
future and
making plans
Yet I
sit here
dwelling on
that one
transgression
Knowing
it’s too
late now
give my
confession
(Originally Posted 07.04.2020)
He Said More/She Said More Too
This was the first of many like this
She said
Although they became much more refined
I’m just waiting for the day
He said
Where our roles are more clearly defined
He Said/She Said
One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said
But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said
One day
Somebody might love you
He said
But today
Nobody does
She said
(Originally Posted 07.04.2019)
Come Time
I spend less time by the river
Nowadays
It’s not my preferred option
Anyways
Drowning
The girl in the river,
She never thought she would be.
The girl in the river,
She didn’t want you to see.
The girl in the river,
She just wanted to be free.
The girl in the river,
She is me.
(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)
A String Trio
Were you ever lovers?
Or was he just your friend
I guess now I’ll never know
Who he wanted in the end
Second Fiddle
Drunkenly
wishing
upon a
star
Won’t
make my
dreams
come true
For he’ll
never be
able to
love me
Half as
much as
he loved
you
(Originally Posted 06.04.2020)
A Book Next, Perhaps?
This seems to have served you well
He said
With plenty of folks who enjoy reading
I never thought I’d get this far
She said
Let alone that I’d be succeeding
Talentless
I wish I could
take your plaudit
But I just write
what comes to me
My inability
to self edit
Laid bare for
all to see
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Ups And Downs
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
My Unhappy Place
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
I Know Now
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
Random #186
‘Oh what’ll you do now, my blue eyed son?
What’ll you do now, my darling young one?
I’m goin’ back out ‘fore the rain starts fallin…’
Arid
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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