Black-and-Blue

I can’t quite believe

All the time I wasted

Trying to be perfect

When all I created

Was a lie


Bruised

It’s
OK

You
can
say
it

After
all
it’s
true

I
know
you
never

Really
loved
me

Like
how
I loved
you

(Originally Posted 30.04.2020)

Alive

That is the difference

Between you and me

I have no interest

In all of this

Whilst you are happy to be


The Silent Killer

I’m just sitting here,

Waiting it out,

Biding my time.

Soon,

The axe will fall.

And it’ll all be over.

Thankfully.

(Originally Posted 30.04.2019)

Random #193

“You’d be surprised what lengths people will go to not to face what’s real and painful inside them.”

– Kester Gill

That’s All

If I ever write

A book on grief

This will be

The only page


Grief 101

Just smile and nod
Even if what they say
Makes no fucking sense.

It’s better to be polite,
After all,
Than to punch people
In the face.

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

Next Day Delivery

If only you knew

All the shit I was buying

Just to see you

On my doorstep smiling

I’d be off your route

Immediately


The Delivery Man

You have no idea,

How much your sideways glance,

Hauls my weary heart,

Through yet another,

Lonely day…

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

Stunted

I don’t remember where this was

Or which comedian I was bashing

But I hope they could see

It wasn’t them, but me

That was the reason I wasn’t laughing


Row 3 Seat 5

I don’t know
who said you
were funny

But I think
you’re pretty
witless

This really
wasn’t worth
the money

As I’m sitting
here bored
shitless

(Originally Posted 29.04.2020)

Passing The Parcel

It’ll be you next

When the music stops

So I’ll look away

As your heart drops


An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
the pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
choose a shiny wrapping paper.

Secure it with ribbon,

Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
if you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
the pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.


An unwanted gift you can never return.

(Originally Posted 28.04.2019)

Flattery

There is a fine line

She said

Between charm and bullshit

Get me another beer

She said

And we’ll see if you can find it


The Mutual Appreciation Society

Pour
yourself
a drink

And come
sit with me

Let’s tell
each other
stories

Of how we’re
meant to be

(Originally Posted 28.04.2020)

Altered Images

Was it real

Was it true?

Or was it just

My version of you?


Ambiguity

Is
it
real

What
you
see?

Or
is it
just

Your
version
of me?

(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)

A Healthy Slice

Upon my skin

Those scars abound

A better release

I’ve never found


Precision

Just be
careful
not to
slip

Not one
ounce of
blood to
drip

For you
do not want
them to
see

Just how
messed
up you
can be

(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)

Glutton For Punishment

I tried to forgive you

Once

But I didn’t quite succeed

So I tried to forget you

Twice

But I would never be freed


Promises

I promise myself
never again
every time
and every time
I believe it.

But the truth is
forgetting you is
a promise
I am powerless
to keep.

(Originally Posted 27.04.2019)

Draining The Glass

Yet the fantasy

That promises so much

Rarely delivers

In the end


IPA

Beer

Bridging the great divide
between dreams and reality

Since 1993

(Originally Posted 26.04.2019)

Through Green Eyes

You have it all

In comparison to me

This has always been true

It’s why I’ll never be

Anything more

Than infinitely jealous of you


Lucky You

My head hurts,
Does yours?

My heart cries,
Does yours?

My body aches,
Does yours?

My soul dies,
Does yours?

How can it?

Your head
is as pretty
as a picture.

Your heart
is full
to bursting.

Your body
is as perfect
as a model,

And your soul
flies like an eagle
soaring high above
the rocky plains.

Lucky you.

(Originally Posted 26.04.2019)

To Be Implored

Come once more

Into the darkness

Where we fellow heathens dwell

We’ll speak of our ills

And contemplate our thrills

As we cast out our spell


End Credits

Is that
it now

She
said

Can we
go back?

As I want
nothing more

Than to fade
to black

(Originally Posted 26.04.2020)

Cones

But there comes

A point

When enough

Is enough


Circles

Enough of you
is
too much

Too much of you
is
never enough

(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)

It’s Not Rocket Science

You should start a diary

He said

And we can talk it through next week

I’ve been keeping one for years

She said

If you’d like to sneak a peek


‘What’s Good For The Goose…’

Just write it down

He said

How hard can it be

But he had never encountered

Someone as fucked up as me

(Originally Posted 25.04.2020)

I Am Now

I do not look

Over my shoulder

For I am brave

I am bolder

You will not beat me

Any longer

Because I am better

I am stronger


Yearning

Time passes

Like a dream

In my mind

As I remember

Everything

I’ve left behind

(Originally Posted 25.04.2020)

Her Spiritual Home

She went to Glasgow

On Friday there

And was amazed at how much

She remembered

She intrinsically knew

She would live there again

Just as they had both intended


Head Over Heels

She
once
asked

Have
you
got a
light?

Then
never
went
home

After
that
night

(Originally Posted 24.04.2020)

tEXting

Why bother saying in person

When you can say in a text

You don’t want to get

Back together

It’s just that you want sex


You’ll Need To Do Better Than That

Don’t
get me
wrong or
anything

It was
nice
to hear
from
you

But
you’ve
done
nothing
at all
to make
me believe

That
your
intentions
are true

(Originally Posted 24.04.2020)

In The Next Life

My only wish

Is to see you again

As I really do miss you,

My friend


Maybe One Day

My body
decays
and

My mind
forgets
but

My heart
desires
and

My soul
awakens

(Originally Posted 23.04.2019)

Divorce

I know you don’t
Want to live with me
But I hope one day
You can forgive me
For all that I
Have done and said
Since the day we met
And after we wed


Love Or Hate

It’s
hard
to
know
which
is
which

When
you
can
be
such
a
bitch

(Originally Posted 23.04.2020)

Random #191

“The biggest musical influence on me was my mum. We were both enraptured by music.”

– Johnny Marr

Fantasy Land

Why can’t it be
Like it is on TV
Where everyone lives happily

Ever after


Slap And Tickle

I
have
tried to
move on

My
feelings
for you
to shelve

But
it seems
when push
comes to
shove

I just
can’t
help
myself

(Originally Posted 22.04.2020)

Plastic Forks

No more fish and chips for you

Or a macaroni pie for me

It’s not the same

On my own

Sitting here by the sea


Bank Holidays

Days off
are always
difficult.

There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.

So many
memories
of what we
used to do.

At least
at work, I
get paid
to be
miserable.

(Originally Posted 22.04.2019)

‘Suffer The Children’

Forever

She replied

You deserve eternal damnation

For what you have tried to hide


Upon The Cross

How long

Must I wait

For salvation?

(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)

Overrated

Please do not look upon me

With your pity and dismay

For this last few years

Have taught me

Feelings aren’t shit anyway


Blackout

I
don’t
want
to feel
better

I
don’t
want
to feel
at all

(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)

Best Laid Plans

Life will never be linear

He said

The path won’t always be straight

The trick is to just hold on

He said

And try your best to navigate


Trauma

But
you
were
doing
so well

He
said

I
don’t
quite
understand

Coming
back
from
hell

She
said

Doesn’t
always
go to
plan

(Originally Posted 20.04.2020)

Should’ve Used Housebricks

You lived to see another day

He said

Why aren’t you happy about that

Because I had made my choice

She said

And in the end my plan fell flat


Lifeline

The rubber ring
floats
towards me.

Thank you
for throwing
it down.

But I have
no desire
to grab it.

The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.

(Originally Posted 20.04.2019)

Saying So Myself

Perhaps

I’m not so bad

At this poetry lark

After all


Interlude

Time has dragged on today

Even more than most

It started off quite well too

Sitting down with tea and toast

But then the clock seemed to stop

At some point this afternoon

When opening up my laptop

Did nothing to lift the gloom

And as the evening drew itself in

I have sat here all alone

Thouroughly bored in my own skin

Barely stifling a groan

So now I guess I’ll go to bed

And lie there on my own

Until the clock stops in my head

And I dream in monochrome

(Originally Posted 20.04.2020)

‘How You Doin’?’

A line once stolen

From a show on TV

Reworked and rewritten

Now belongs to me


Transgressions

In the beginning

I would always try

To be as honest as I could be

But in the end I fell

So far from the truth

That the line was a dot to me

(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)

Reading Out Loud

Although there is

A lot to be said

For these stream of consciousness pieces

There is a case to be made

For punctuation

As the ability to breathe decreases


Haste Ye Back

Something tells me this won’t be our last as you realise you want me and return so fast to where my arms do so openly await as we slowly allow that twist of fate to keep us ensconced together forever come hell or high water whatever the weather as the love we make is all we need for our hearts to open and minds to be freed

(Originally Posted 19.04.2020)

The Watershed

OK, perhaps not quite meaningless

But certainly everything changed

And though life now may be

Somewhat better for me

That numbness has definitely remained


All Surface, No Meaning

When you died,
My world stopped turning.

When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.

As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.

I trudge along…

Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.

(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)

Sickly Sweet

Oh isn’t young love a dream

Isn’t it so fucking cute

Like a cat who got all the cream

Reading this, I want to puke


Favourites

Tell me your favourite song
And I’ll play it.

Show me your favourite book
And I’ll read it.

Tell me your favourite film
And I’ll watch it.

Show me your favourite shirt
And I’ll wear it.

Tell me I’m your favourite
And I’ll love you.

Forever.

(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)

‘Life Is Unfair’

It hurts almost as much

To see how sad I was

As it does

To remember you


Reminders

It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.

The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.

When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.

My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.

My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.

And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.

(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)

My Saviour

Thank God you came over

She said

I was starting to get bored

Now the real fun begins

He said

Of that you can rest assured


With A Twist

Is
it
too
early
to start
drinking

She
asked

As
this
is
too
much
to bear

That’s
exactly
what
I was
thinking

He
said

As
he
pulled
up a
chair

(Originally Posted 17.04.2020)

‘Modern Life Is Rubbish’

Now

I am just

Still


Every Day

Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.

Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.

Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.

Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.

(Originally Posted 17.04.2019)

The Firing Line

Dodging bullets

Since 1980

And showing no signs of stopping


The Loaded Gun

Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.

I try to hold on,
To ignore the gun
And trudge through yet another day.

(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)

‘Some Kind Of Bliss’

So now we’ve disappeared

He said

What do you propose we do next

Absolutely fuck all

She said

Let’s just enjoy the rest


Off Grid

So
what
is your
plan

He
asked

Where
do we
go from
here?

I
haven’t
got a
clue

She
said

Shall
we
just
disappear?

(Originally Posted 16.04.2020)

More Secrets

I’ve been trying so hard

To be honest with you

To believe what I say

And mean what I do

But as I have struggled

This I know to be true

I must always and forever

Fake it with you


For You

I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.

I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.

I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.

(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)

Random #190

‘You know I’m born to lose
And gambling’s for fools
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna live for ever!’

Random #189

“Life becomes a habit. You get up, dress, eat, go tae work, clock in etcetera etcetera automatically, and think about nothing but the pay packet on Friday and the booze-up last Saturday. Life’s easy when you’re a robot.”

– Alasdair Gray

The Edge Of The World

It’s been a while

Since I’ve been up there

And for that I am glad

As I know next time

I climb those steps

I won’t ever be coming back


Indecision

It’s a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.

As I stand and shiver
I can’t help but think…

What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?

(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)

The Cliché Continues

Still here

Still pretending

Still living

With grief unending


Sick & Tired

And
so
begins
another
day

Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok

If
only
there
was
another
way

As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché

(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)

Caring Even Less Now Than I Did Then

I just want you to know

She said

I haven’t missed you one bit

My life has improved dramatically

She said

Without your presence in it


Couldn’t Give A Fuck, Mate

I just
want
you to
know

He
said

That
I don’t
like you
anymore

Please,
join
the
queue

She
said

After
all, I’ve
been here
before

(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)

Thesaurus Required

Two cunts so far this week

Is perhaps a bit of a worry

I really don’t see me

Winning prizes for poetry

In any kind of a fucking hurry


Disdain

It would have been quite easy

Had you wanted to commit

To just imagine for a second

What it’s like to go through with it

But in the end you chose not to

Which leads me to be blunt

Because of the things you did not do

You really are a cunt

(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)

*Cringes*

It only took seconds

To write this one

And really, I should have binned it

Now it’s a lesson

That it’s not all progression

And sometimes, it’s better to edit


Success

Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above

Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night

(Originally Posted 13.04.2019)

Console(d)

I wrote this one

When I went back into the office

Although the thought of working

Left me feeling nauseous

I knew I had to return

And get it out of the way

But nothing really prepared me

For that difficult first day

All those well meaning people

Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit

All approaching me awkwardly

Asking how I was coping with it

Was there something they could say

Or anything they could do

Telling me they were here for me

Making sure that much I knew

I remember hiding in the bathroom

Just for a bit of peace

Hoping that back at my desk

Their annoying behaviour would cease

Then one day their fawning stopped

Like enough sympathy had been shown

And those incessant space invaders

Began to leave me the fuck alone


Space Invader

I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.

(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)

Two Heads Can Be Better Than One

There’s nothing wrong with being self sufficient

She said

After all it’s got me this far

I never said you weren’t resilient

He said

But that doesn’t have to be all you are


Toolkit

You wish you could fix me,
But you can’t.
I wish I would let you,
But I won’t.

(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)

But It’s So Brutally Apt

So you’re another year older, eh?

And yet you’re still a cunt

Aging it seems, sadly for you,

Changes nothing on that front


(Not Too) Many Happy Returns

Happy
Birthday
to you

I hope
you
have
fun

I didn’t
send you
a card

Because
you don’t
deserve
one

(Originally Posted 11.04.2020)

‘Show Me, Show Me, Show Me…’

I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart

But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book

I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind

It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again


Just

I don’t really want to die.

At least I don’t think I do.

I just want the pain to stop.

Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.

Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.

Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.

I just want that spark back.

I just want you back.

I just want you.

(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)

‘Happy Or Sad?’

There’s not much I can add

To this one

As the conflict still exists

To this day

Yes, there are days

When I can laugh

But those tears aren’t ever

Too far away


Conflict

I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.

(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)

Old Ground

You must decide

Who you want to let go

And who it is you want to retain

For there is no way

I can spend another day

Going over all this again


Right Person / Wrong Time

I do
appreciate
what
we
had

But
lament
what
could
have
been

You
and
me
together
forever

With
nobody
inbetween

(Originally Posted 09.04.2020)

In

The days still march on,

But now I run forward.

Always in step,

Everything in place,

And just about in time.


Out

The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.

(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)

Actually…

I actually have

A lot more to give

Than this wee ditty suggests

I actually am

Quite the catch

Despite my ongoing protests


Damaged Goods

It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me

You
deserve
to be
happy

But
you
won’t
get to
share

In
anything
with
me

But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

Pillow Thoughts

If only I’d been honest

Back then

And told him how I felt

I wouldn’t be lying

Here alone again

Ruing the blow I dealt


Pillow Talk

I’ll
never
be able
to give
you

Exactly
what
you
want

I can be
your
standby
fuck
buddy

But
never
your
confidant

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

Our Father

I no longer go to confession

For who is He

To mete out my punishment?

As if in just one session

There could possibly be

Anything close to moral replenishment


Hail Mary

You’d think
now I
have more
time on
my hands

I’d be
thinking
about the
future and
making plans

Yet I
sit here
dwelling on
that one
transgression

Knowing
it’s too
late now
give my
confession

(Originally Posted 07.04.2020)

He Said More/She Said More Too

This was the first of many like this

She said

Although they became much more refined

I’m just waiting for the day

He said

Where our roles are more clearly defined


He Said/She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

(Originally Posted 07.04.2019)

Come Time

I spend less time by the river

Nowadays

It’s not my preferred option

Anyways


Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)

A String Trio

Were you ever lovers?

Or was he just your friend

I guess now I’ll never know

Who he wanted in the end


Second Fiddle

Drunkenly
wishing
upon a
star

Won’t
make my
dreams
come true

For he’ll
never be
able to
love me

Half as
much as
he loved
you

(Originally Posted 06.04.2020)

A Book Next, Perhaps?

This seems to have served you well

He said

With plenty of folks who enjoy reading

I never thought I’d get this far

She said

Let alone that I’d be succeeding


Talentless

I wish I could
take your plaudit

But I just write
what comes to me

My inability
to self edit

Laid bare for
all to see

(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)

Ups And Downs

Had another day

Like this yesterday

After quite a few

Of feeling ok

The only way

Was in bed to lay

In order to

Keep those demons at bay


Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)

What do I do

Now all hope is gone

And I am left here

On my own

Somehow still alive

But gasping for air

Unable to thrive

Yet unwilling to care

(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)

My Unhappy Place

Not only is my bed

Still a blessed sanctuary

But back then,

Believe you me,

It was entirely fucking necessary


Fear

I’m
going
back
to bed

It’s
not
worth
staying
awake

From
these
thoughts
in my
head

I need a
fucking
break

(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)

I Know Now

And here I lie

My heart still broken

Knowing this to be

The truest word I’ve spoken


Who Knew

I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now

(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)

Random #186

‘Oh what’ll you do now, my blue eyed son?
What’ll you do now, my darling young one?
I’m goin’ back out ‘fore the rain starts fallin…’

Arid

I remember people telling me

My emotions would return

That the numbness I felt

Would resolve itself

And I shouldn’t

Be too concerned

But I knew

Right from the off

That it was the end for me

My well had run dry

And I’d said goodbye

To who I used to be

So although now

I may joke

To those same people

About how

I am ‘dead inside’

I’ve never been more certain

Of its truth

And from that

There’s nowhere to hide


Tributary

The love
I once
had to
give

Ran so
deep
and
wide

But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry

As I’m
all but
dead
inside

(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)

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