Fuck Depression

This is what depression does

It strips you bare until life becomes

Just too much to contemplate.

So you lie there alone

Isolated at home

And accept what you feel is fate.

Meanwhile everyone else

Is worried about you.

Totally clueless

As to how to help you.

Ultimately nobody wins.

So fuck depression,

And all that it brings.


In My Eyes

No one
sees
me as
anything
more

Than a
sad and
lonely
depressed
old bore

A pathetic
waste of
space for
sure

Just
another
nuisance
to ignore

(Originally Posted 14.11.2019)

(Un) Polished

If you want to know

My state of mind

On any given day

Just look at my nails

As they’ll tell the tale

Of how I’m feeling straight away


A Messy Job

Why oh why
did I try
to paint
my nails
on a train?

Never will
I attempt
such a
ridiculous
thing again!

(Originally Posted 09.11.2019)

I’m Not Ashamed

That is how

It was back then

When I had no choice

But to rely on pills

One to find a way

To get through each day

And several more

To help me rebuild


Happy Pills

I think
we’ll
increase
your dose,

She
said,

To stop
you
feeling so
morose.

I’ll
easily
give it
a try,

I
said,

But I’m
pretty sure
the end
is nigh.

(Originally Posted 07.11.2019)

Imploded

Concerning affairs

Of the heart

I was once a master

But when he died

I lost my mind

And now I’m a complete disaster


Ready To Implode

It
isn’t
you

That
I don’t
trust

Honestly,
it’s
me

My
mind
is

No
longer
robust
enough

To
deal
with

Such
trickery

(Originally Posted 02.11.2019)

What’s Next?

Four different medications

Plus some of my own to boot

Yet the madness persists

As I eye up my wrists

Making the point of treatment moot


Assistance / Resistance

So
it’s
been
a year

Of
your
latest
treatment

Yet
I still
don’t
feel

Any
fucking
different

(Originally Posted 30.10.2020)

I’d Never See You Again

If I revealed

The truth about me

It would shatter the illusion

Now, I know you’d say

You wouldn’t care anyway

But I couldn’t deal with the conclusion


For Our Own Good

You never
see the
worst of
my illness
because
I hide it
from you

For you
to know
the truth
about me
would
completely
tear me
in two

So I’ll
paint
on a
smile and
pretend
that I’m
fine

For
doing so
protects
both
your
sanity
and mine

(Originally Posted 25.10.2019)

Birds Of A Feather

It still amazes me

To this day

That you even read my rhymes

Don’t get me wrong, my friend

It pleases me no end

But I do worry about you, at times


Wonderland

It’s nice
to think
I matter

That what
I feel is
shared

But really
I’m as mad
as a hatter

Surely no one
else is this
impaired?

(Originally Posted 25.10.2019)

Random #249

“People think that I’m sort of okay, you know, like I’m getting on with it. I’m snarky now and again and that this is the lapse – but it’s not. This is me all the time now.

Everything else is the fun, you know.

I’m not well, but I remember what it was like to be normal so I do an impression of that. But this is what I really am. And I want to be normal again. But I’m weak, you know.”

– Tony

In For The Kill

They sense my attempt

To avoid them, the pack,

So they change their course

Quick smart

For there’s nothing more appealing

Than an injured woman concealing

The stench

Of her bleeding heart


Prey

The
wolves
are on
their
hunt
again

I can
hear
them
whine
and
howl

They
are
already
stalking
me,
I know,

For
you’ve
told
them
where
to prowl

(Originally Posted 14.10.2019)

So Close

As there was no one to pull me

Back in from the ledge

It is here I remain

Drunk and in pain

Standing perilously close to the edge


A Little More

As I fall
apart
a little
more
each day

I wonder
if I’ll
always
feel
this way

How
much
lower
can I
sink?

Who will
pull me
back
from the
brink?

(Originally Posted 13.10.2019)

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…


Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

A Real Shitty Year

I probably did write this

On a Tuesday

Fuelled by coffee

And nicotine

But in truth

This could’ve been posted

On any given day

Back in twenty nineteen


Tuesday

I called in sick for work today.

My heart just couldn’t come out to play.

All I’ve done is lie in bed

Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.

With nausea consuming every movement,

My mood shows no sign of any improvement.

I hate existing like this.

Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.

I wonder how much more emotion can I conceal

Before I decide to end it all for real

(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)

Ruined

I’d love to say

That two years on

That I have cleaned up my act

But from what I suffered

My body never recovered

And my mind will always be cracked


Old Habits

As my
veins
drip
with
chip
fat

And
my
lungs
marinate
in
tar

I
wonder
if,
perhaps
this
time,

I’ve
taken
things
too
far

(Originally Posted 28.09.2020)

‘Trouble Loves Me’

It would’ve saved a lot of time

She said

Had I walked away long ago

Oh please don’t kid yourself

She said

You’d still have lived a life of woe


‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’

If
someone
told me
then

How all
this
would
end

I’d pack
a bag
and run
away

And not
even
bother
to pretend

(Originally Posted 22.09.2020)

Taking To Bed

I may spend time lying down

But not much of that is sleeping

It’s existential dread

That fills my head

And that’s not to mention the weeping


Forty Winks

Why do
I bother
coming
to bed

It’s not
like I
can
sleep

All I
do is
fucking
lie here

Overthinking
and
counting
sheep

(Originally Posted 21.09.2019)

In Plain Sight

It’s not like it wasn’t obvious

That I was depressed as fuck

Given all my talk,

I would’ve thought,

That was understood


Read Between The Lines

How
much
more

Must
I write

Before
you
come to
save
me?

How
much
more

Must
I fight

Before
you
run to
embrace
me?

(Originally Posted 14.09.2020)

By Mutual Agreement

I can hardly remember writing

Such a powerful piece

Although I can recall requiring

A medication increase


Yes Sir, No Sir

Okay,
okay,
I accept
defeat.

I’ll get up,
get dressed,
drink tea,
eat.

I’ll take
the pills
you say
I need.

I’ll be a
good wee girl,
like we
agreed.

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

The Black Baccara

It can be hard to stop

And smell the roses

When you’d rather

Be six feet under them


The Black Dog

When I heard
the black dog
barking outside

I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide

When I heard
the black dog
at my door

I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore

Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder

And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over

(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)

Especially At Work

I used to hide

So much back then

I’m amazed I got through the day

Reading this I remember

How exhausted I was

Pretending that I was okay


Secret Anxiety

Sickness grows

Frustration shows

Conversation slows

But no one knows

(Originally Posted 28.09.2019)

Buy Cheap Buy Twice

If only I had a pound

For each session that started like this

I wouldn’t need a whip-round

For a better therapist


On The Couch

What’s worrying you today,

He asks.

Everything,

I reply.

(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)

The Cynic

Nature versus nurture

That is the great debate

Was I born a pessimist

Or did it find me late?

I suppose it doesn’t matter

However it came to be

As the cynic is now embedded

In my personality


Mythbusting

If
life is
funny
sometimes

Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter

It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say

About
living
happily
ever
after

(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)

Lifelong

There is no update for this one

Nothing further to remark

Other than to say

I have felt this way

Pretty much from the start


Outline In Chalk

Here
I lie

Despite
my wealth

Murdered

By my
mental
health

(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)

For My Own Good

I was pretending

So much back then

I should have known

Things would soon go tits up

In fact I’m amazed

Given how I behaved

No one thought to lock me up


Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)

At The Time

I really wasn’t well, was I?

Looking back at this

It’s just silo strange, because I

Didn’t realise anything was amiss


The Drudgery

Another
day spent
trudging
through
the
sludge
of life
still
refusing
to budge
forever
trying to
avoid the
judgement
of those
who secretly
hold a
grudge
against me

(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)

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