Boys Don’t Cry – But I Did

A bit niche, perhaps…

But if you know you know


‘Always So Lost In The Dark…’

It’s 10.15 on a Friday night and excitement builds all around.

Saturday Waits as the promise of Spidermen and Caterpillars abound.

Like all those Japanese Babies who tumbled through the gate,

I Burn for tales of Cagey Tigers, and dream of Dogs that Shake.

Then I am reminded, as I Move To The Beat,

Why you Imaginary Boys look good enough to eat.

I’m So Glad I Came. To be here On A Night Like This.

If only it could End with Just One (Strawberry) Kiss.

Yet out to The Edge Of The Green Sea I’m cast,

Wondering if this Lost and Lonely feeling will last.

The Cure
Bellahouston Park
Glasgow
16.08.2019

(Originally Posted 16.08.2019)

‘Taking Different Roads’

Ultimately,
I can’t
come
back

For an
earthly
body,
I now
lack

But
regardless
of that,
you should
know

I’ll
always be
with you,
wherever
you go


Love Lost

If I
promise
to love
you
more

Than
I ever
did
before

Would
you
come
back
to me?

Xxx

(Originally Posted 16.08.2020)

Nearly 25 Years Later

‘The Drugs Don’t Work’

Sang the man from Wigan

Just as I’d turned seventeen

Back then it was fun

As real life hadn’t begun

But now I know what he means


Quieten Down(er)

I’ll
take
anything
you’ve
got to
give

Drink,
smoke,
or sedative

As the
voices
inside
my head
these
days

Are
far too
competitive

(Originally Posted 15.08.2020)

Stick Your Tongue Out

You may be surprised

To learn in fact

This one doesn’t refer

To a suicide pact

It is actually based

On my favourite date

When we took MDMA

And left the rest to fate


Eternity

Counting the days
Counting the hours

You bring the wine
I’ll bring the flowers

Counting the minutes
Counting the seconds

We’ll both take a pill
As eternity beckons

(Originally Posted 15.08.2019)

Life Events

There were so many photos taken

Back in twenty nineteen

And I had to pose

All alone

With a gap where you should’ve been


Speechless

There is so much
I want to tell you

So many things
I want to share

But my tears flow
all over again

When I realise
you’re not there

(Originally Posted 15.08.2019)

Both Grinning And Bearing It

Yet I didn’t slip away

Quietly

I remained

And caused a fuss

I got my head down

And stuck around

To tell the story

Of us


‘Slip Away, Quietly’

All
happiness
is fleeting

All
sadness
is depleting

I am
no longer
competing

As from
sanity
I am
retreating

(Originally Posted 14.08.2019)

Buy Cheap Buy Twice

If only I had a pound

For each session that started like this

I wouldn’t need a whip-round

For a better therapist


On The Couch

What’s worrying you today,

He asks.

Everything,

I reply.

(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)

It Wasn’t Fun For Me

I will never answer

To you again

As what you called banter

I call pain


Sylvia’s Sister

Maybe I’ll drink until I’m sick

Maybe I’ll dance like a prick

Maybe I’ll smoke ten to the dozen

Maybe I’ll put my head in the oven

Either way one thing is true

It has got fuck all to do with you

(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)

New Job

It was about

My job this one

And how I could

No longer empathise

Even three years on

The desire is gone

And my apathy

Pretty hard to disguise


New Life

I’m still
nowhere
near the
same

She
said

Something
inside me has
permanently
changed

I can no
longer
play
this game

She
said

Unless a
new life
can be
arranged

(Originally Posted 14.08.2019)

Under The Influence

I must’ve overdone the happy pills

When I wrote this one

As I can’t believe

I’d ever conceive

Of something like this with none


Hard To Believe

When you find

It’s a struggle to cope

When it feels

Like you’ve lost all hope

Remember and try

To just hold on

For there will be

Better days to come

(Originally Posted 13.08.2021)

When It’s Only You That Sees It

I really don’t mind saying

That I’m actually quite proud of this

As it describes that employee

To an absolute tee

Despite the sweetness she emits


The Bake Sale

Bringing
along
a
flask of
coffee

And
your
frosted
homemade
cake

Doesn’t
make you
any more
likeable

Or any
less
fucking
fake

(Originally Posted 13.08.2020)

Plus It Didn’t Fit

Next time

I’ll buy my own


Tarnished

That
ring you
gave me
yesterday

Has
turned
my finger
green

A more
appropriate
metaphor
for our
relationship

I have
never seen

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

Honesty

I wrote this one

While hanging on

For a reply to a particular text

As I had shown it

I thought I’d blown it

And wasn’t sure what was next

As it was

It was just a pause

As you wrote back in earnest

And so then I knew

I still had you

And that my effort was worth it


Reassured

The relief
is palpable

My anxiety
is pacified

Our normality
is restored

Thank fuck
you replied

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

Random #227

“I know that’s what people say – you’ll get over it. I’d say it too. But I know it’s not true. Oh, you’ll be happy again, never fear. But you won’t forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.”

– Betty Smith

Aye, Right

Perhaps I could find a story

He said

That proves all the stars align

I fear that for that one

She said

I’d wait a long fucking time


Story Books

Read
to me
some
more

She
said

I
swoon
to the
sound
of your
voice

Tell
me
what
you
want
to
hear

He
said

You
know
it’s
always
your
choice

(Originally Posted 12.08.2020)

First Love Isn’t Always Kind

It does not matter

That my heart’s shattered

And my self esteem is on the floor

I know you only call me

When you’re feeling horny

And yet I’ll always be back for more


Bad Habits

We
really
should

Give
this
thing
up

But
my
willpower
is
fading

If
we
could
stop

Just
hooking
up

Then this
wouldn’t
feel so
degrading

(Originally Posted 12.08.2020)

Drinks With Friends

It’s not like I even

Fancy the guy

And I certainly

Don’t want to get hitched

But I’d be lying

If I tried denying

That sometimes

It would be nice to be picked


It Should Be Me

Looking
up
to
the
sky

Tears
falling
as
I
cry

Asking
over
and
over
why

Will
you
forever
pass
me
by

(Originally Posted 12.08.2019)

With Time Comes Acceptance, Supposedly

Stain free

Pain free

Neither really

Matter to me

As I’m still mad

And deeply sad

That this is how

It has to be


Only Sadness Remains

I wander barefoot
in the rain

Trying to wash
away your stain

Now that I’m left
in eternal pain

I’d give anything
to laugh again

(Originally Posted 12.08.2019)

It Was Only A 10p Mix Up

Based on a true story this

From when I was about six or seven

I stole some sweets

So the owner called the police

In order to teach me a lesson

I have always felt

He was a little harsh

And his reaction was over the top

But I guess I learned then

Never to steal again

Well, at least not from his shop


Cops & Robbers

Caught with
my hands
in the
sweetie jar

I retreat,
shamefaced,
when I
hear a
police car…

Who the
fuck has
called
the cops?

I only
stole
a few
pear
drops…

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

Better Off Alone

Why don’t you come over

He said

And spend time with me today

Because I’m better off alone

She said

I’ve learned that the hard way


Power

I’ve walked
along
this road
before

Feeling
lonely
and
insecure

At least
this time
I know
for sure

You
cannot
hurt me
anymore

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

You badgered me into talking

As you were oh so concerned

So I opened that can

Then turned and ran

And left you with the worms


So Help Me…

Just
keep
pushing
me

To see
what
it’s
about

Just
don’t
blame
me

When I
finally
lash
out

(Originally Posted 11.08.2020)

When Pushed

I actually love sassy me

I just wonder where she went

As I really only see her

At times of hostility and torment


Undefeated

You might
not be
speaking
to me

But I know
you’re
speaking
about me

That
means
I win

(Originally Posted 10.08.2019)

Unreciprocated Love

It will never be

The right time for me

I just have to accept it

As I cannot take

The abject heartache

Each time I am rejected


Each Time We Meet

Why isn’t
it me,
she asks,

Why can’t
it be us?

For I
already
love another,
he says,

As her
dreams
crumble
to dust.

(Originally Posted 10.08.2019)

Putting The Flags Away

I don’t know why

I got carried away

I only smiled

That one day

It’s not like my sadness

Can fade to grey

As this black cloud

Is here to stay


‘A Little Peculiar’

Something happened this morning

When I sat up in my bed

I found that instead of yawning

I actually smiled instead

(Originally Posted 10.08.2020)

‘Help Is On The Way, Dear’

Tea

She said

Is that it?

Don’t you have anything stronger

I’ll have a look in the back

He said

But it might take a little longer


Stiff Upper Lip

I
feel
so
sad

She
said

Can
you
help
me?

I’ll
certainly
try

He
said

Here’s
some
tea

(Originally Posted 09.08.2020)

09.08

Three years on

From writing this

And that strength still eludes me

Don’t get me wrong

I can, at times, be strong

But my future still looks pretty gloomy


08.08

So it’s another birthday

And what a day it has been

If I’d have known last year

What I know now

I would have jacked it all in

But I suppose now it’s time

At this ripe old age

And much to my chagrin

To find a way of moving forward

And discover the strength within

(Originally Posted 09.08.2019)

Birthdays Are The Worst Days

I still don’t know

What the fuck to do

Even though today

I’m forty two


Entering My Fifth Decade

So I
turned
forty
today

And
what
exactly
did
I do?

Nothing

But
drink,
smoke
and cry
too much

Like
every
other
day

Without
you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)

A Birthday (In Bognor) To Remember

A true story

This one is

From thirty eight years ago

We were on holiday

At Butlin’s that year

When I decided to take a stroll

I let go of

My mother’s hand

And wandered in a different direction

Off in search

Of sweets no doubt

Or some other such confection

I have no idea

How long I was gone

But at the time it felt like an age

Until I was found

By a kindly policeman

Who ended my little rampage

Next thing I remember

Was in the community centre

Being reunited with my mum

First she hugged me

And then she shook me

For making her so glum

But I’ll always treasure

My little endeavour

As it did teach me one thing

My independence

Was something to treasure

So I found it again when I turned eighteen


Childhood Memories

I got lost on my
eighth birthday.

Sometimes
I wonder
what would’ve
happened,

If I had never
been found.

(Originally Posted 08.08.2019)

It’s The Little Things On A Day Like This

A card left for me

On the pillow

Flowers and a bath bomb or two

I’ll buy them myself

Again this year

As there’s no way I can get them from you

Xxx


O Unhappy Day

I never
thought
you
wouldn’t
be here
today

It’s
still
hard to
accept
that you
went away

Perhaps
you’re
still
with me
here in
spirit

I just
wish
your
presence
was more
explicit

Xxx

(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)

My Real Family

Lockdown birthdays

Were no fun

Not for me

Or for anyone

This year I’ll make up

For being alone the last two

By spending the day

Having fun with you


That Time Of Year

Maybe
it’s
because
I can’t
be there

Or
perhaps
it’s
more
I just
don’t
care

For
now
that my
confidence
has
grown

I’ll
spend my
birthday
at home
alone

(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)

A Diamond In The Rough

Perhaps I do have a sense of humour.

Sometimes.


Out of Shape

In a world full of cubes,

I’m a dodecahedron.

Overly complicated.

(Originally Posted 07.08.2019)

Bash(Ful)

It was nice of them

To think of me

Very kind of them to try

But all I could think

As I was ushered in

Was that I wanted to curl up and die


The Surprise Party

Sorry
that
I’m not
jumping
with
delight

But
I would
have
preferred
to be
alone
tonight

(Originally Posted 07.08.2020)

‘The Winner Takes It All’

You ignored me for

That whole weekend

Never once looking me

In the eye

As you were so set on

Being their number one

You pretended not

To realise

But I knew full well

What you were doing

As that wasn’t

The only time

You’d been playing those games

For your own gain

Since you first planned

My demise

So I waited

And I watched

And sure enough

You came simpering back

So then I knew

All I had to do

Was to launch

My final attack


Good Enough

So I’m good enough
to speak to today?

Now all your friends
have gone away?

Well I’ll hold my tongue
and try to be nice.

But you’ll find my lenience
comes at a price.

(Originally Posted 07.08.2019)

It’s Getting Boring Now

Jesus.

I even depress myself sometimes,

So fuck knows how you feel.


Wallowing

I
could
lie
here
and
fade
away

I’m
neither
here
nor
there

Not
that
I expect
you
would
notice

Or
even
that
you’d
care

(Originally Posted 06.08.2020)

Unwilling To Submit

I asked for you

To give me time

And space to clear my head

But as you’ve shown

You can’t leave me alone

Let’s just call it quits instead


Over

Time may heal

Hearts can mend

Until then accept

This is the end

(Originally Posted 06.08.2019)

Regional Differences

There’s a lot behind

The C word

Most find it offputting and offensive

And while I don’t disagree

If you grew up like me

You possibly wouldn’t be so apprehensive


Through The Barricades (Scheme Burd Version)

Him:

Come
with
me

My
tender
one

Let us
roam
amongst
the
heather

Her:

Get
tae
fuck

Ya
daft
wee
cunt

We’re
no’
even
thegither

(Originally Posted 06.08.2020)

Random #225

“There’s no such thing as a long time ago. There’s only memories that mean something and memories that don’t”

– Sly Stallone (as himself)

If Not Now, When?

I’ll talk you through each step

He said

I’ll explain everything as we go

That’s not what concerns me

She said

It’s the resultant shame I need to forgo


Like Riding A Bike

It’s
not
that
I don’t
want
to

She
said

It’s
more
that
I don’t
know
how

Just
come a
little
closer

He
said

None
of
that
matters
now

(Originally Posted 05.08.2020)

Another Failed Bribe

Please don’t bother

Sending a card

I have no use

For your money

In fact anything you post in

Will be thrown in the bin

As I couldn’t care less, honey


Congratulations

Am I
supposed
to feel
something?

Because
I don’t

Am I
supposed
to thank
you?

Because
I won’t

(Originally Posted 05.08.2020)

She Started It

Neither of us won

The war you waged

Still it makes me smile

To think of you enraged


Stale (mate)

You
deserve
less

I
deserve
more

We’re
both
fucked
either
way

So
let’s
call
it a
draw

(Originally Posted 05.08.2019)

‘Let Us Smile Each Chance We Get’

I lost that badge

Later that night

In a drunken haze

On Fleet Street

My arm was twisted

So the fun embargo lifted

And my fears, for once,

I managed to beat


Temple Bar

The hordes gather outside your hotel window.

Laughing,

Joking,

Having fun.

You wish you could be more like them.

Prettier,

Funnier,

More confident.

Instead you’re sitting in your room alone with the curtains drawn.

With nothing but your ‘I Hate People’ badge for company.

(Originally Posted 04.08.2019)

In The Aftermath

I don’t
know
what you
expected

You knew
something
inside me
had changed

It wasn’t
just your
advances
I rejected

It was
from
everyone
I abstained


Robotic

Take
that
look
off
your
face

You
can
hardly
be
surprised

You
know
my heart
cannot
race

And
I’m
dead
behind
the
eyes

(Originally Posted 04.08.2020)

Looking In All The Wrong Places

If it’s distance that you want

He said

Then that’s exactly what you’ll get

There has to be something more

She said

But I just haven’t found it yet


A Pin In A Map

Do you think you’ll get away with it

He said

That you will succeed in your plan

I just know I have to try

She said

I need as much distance as I can

(Originally Posted 03.08.2021)

Instant Gratification

It may well surprise you to know

I write most poems in under a minute

Especially each one of those

With a shitload of swear words in it


Catharsis

I
really
only
write
the
words

That
everyone
else is
thinking

I
just
say
what
comes
naturally

And
without
even
flinching

(Originally Posted 03.08.2020)

In The Vestry

How long must I wait

She said

Until I tell him how I feel

I don’t think you ever can

He said

That truth you should never reveal


Always The Bridesmaid

If only you’d ask

I would say yes

My undying love

I would confess

Alas it seems

I must somehow

Bide my time

At least for now

(Originally Posted 02.08.2021)

Time Gentlemen, Please!

And into those fires of hell

We jumped

Both of us head first

We should’ve just stopped

When the doors were locked

Rather than stay to quench our thirst


Drinking Irresponsibly

From
the
depths
of the
cold

Into
the
dancing
fires of
hell

I
just
cannot
help but
feel

That
this
will not
end
well

(Originally Posted 02.08.2020)

Weight Off Your Shoulders

I hope that now

You’re away from me

You are enjoying

Your life carefree

I hope you don’t

Think of me

For I’m standing tall

Just as I should be


The Burden

If
only
I knew
what to do

I
would
not be so
reliant on you

If
only
I knew
how to grieve

It
would be
so much easier
to let you leave

If
only
I knew
who to be

I’d
thank you
for your help
and set you free

(Originally Posted 01.08.2019)

The Cynic

Nature versus nurture

That is the great debate

Was I born a pessimist

Or did it find me late?

I suppose it doesn’t matter

However it came to be

As the cynic is now embedded

In my personality


Mythbusting

If
life is
funny
sometimes

Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter

It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say

About
living
happily
ever
after

(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)

Retiring The Hell Bunnies

I was looking at my old dresses

Just the other day

Remembering each time I’d worn one

Before the desire to went astray

Perhaps I should repurpose them

Put my favourites on display

As there’s no chance I will wear one

And it’s a shame to hide them away


Getting Dressed

I could
put on
a smile

And
step
into a
dress

But why
the fuck
would I
bother

Who is
there to
impress?

(Originally Posted 01.08.2019)

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!


The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

‘I’ll Be There For You’

Sometimes all you need

Is a shoulder on which to cry

Someone armed with tissues

To help wipe away your issues

Is enough to help you get by


Why Not

Come here

She implored

And sit with me

Let’s drink some wine

Watch shit TV

We can hold hands

And talk all night

Until our troubles

Are out of sight

(Originally Posted 31.07.2020)

Used

And we all know why that is, don’t we?

We all know what you stole

Any trust in men

Was taken when

You denied me any control


Don’t Touch Me

People
like me
can never
be loved

It’s something we
won’t allow

People
like me
can never
be loved

We simply don’t
know how

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

Realisations

Off on
my travels
again

Hoping
this time
for something
new

But
time has
told me

And
experience
shown me

My dreams
will never
come true


Aspirations

Off on
my travels
again

Hoping to
find some
peace

Perhaps I’ll
meet someone
new

And this
heartache will
cease

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

Lifelong

There is no update for this one

Nothing further to remark

Other than to say

I have felt this way

Pretty much from the start


Outline In Chalk

Here
I lie

Despite
my wealth

Murdered

By my
mental
health

(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)

For My Own Good

I was pretending

So much back then

I should have known

Things would soon go tits up

In fact I’m amazed

Given how I behaved

No one thought to lock me up


Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)

An Asylum For The Hysterically Widowed

I remember that night so well

Even though I don’t remember his face

I felt so guilty

Thinking they should commit me

Just for craving his embrace


Guilty

I got lost
in his eyes
when he spoke to me
and, for a moment,
I wondered what
it would be like
to hold his hand.

I’m sorry.

(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)

‘Priceless Advice’

Take all of your keepsakes

They say

And put them in a box

That way you will always have

A reminder of who you’ve lost

But not everything can be locked away

And it’s those things that you miss

It’s not like a shirt can replace a hug

Or a photo a kiss


Sense (less)

I’m starting to forget.

Your face,

Your voice,

Your touch.

I don’t like it.

(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)

Random #224

‘Oh all the times I’ve tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning ’round inside my head’

Random #223

“I’m 84 and I listen to this song every night before my bed, just in case I die in my sleep”

– Anonymous YouTube Comment

On The Front Foot

After that night I realised

To quell the fears inside my head

I’d get a much better sleep

If I began to keep

A cricket bat under my bed


Creaky Floorboards

Tonight is
the first time
I’ve felt real fear

Being
home alone
without you here

What if someone
breaks in during
the night?

Will I survive
now you’re not
here to fight?

(Originally Posted 29.07.2019)

In Desperation

There’s a chance this one might work

He said

Proffering her a wand

She near broke his hand

As she snatched it and ran

Before he could even respond


The Magic Shop

What
brings
you
here

He
said

What
can
I do
for
you?

I
just
need
a spell

She
said

To
make
it not
be
true

(Originally Posted 29.07.2020)

Seared

I guess

That is

The thing

With scars

They remain

In place

Forever

A showcase

Of the body’s

Memoirs

All those links

It cannot sever


No Way Back

To carry
on living
is proving
too hard

With my mind
and my body
so irrevocably
scarred

(Originally Posted 29.07.2019)

Not All Mushrooms Are Magic

The microdosing experiment was shortlived, thankfully

As if it continued

I think I would’ve broken through that fifth wall

And bricked it up behind me

Never to return


A Long Forty Eight Hours

If you stare
at the same four walls
for long enough,
a fifth can start
to appear.

Perhaps it’s then
you’re supposed to
realise that
the end is near.

If you stare
at the same four walls
for long enough,
your mind can
start to bend.

Perhaps it’s then
you’re supposed to
know it’s the
beginning of the end

(Originally Posted 28.07.2019)

Faith, Devotion And My Imaginary Boys

Each a favourite band

To have on hand

When life gets a little bit dark

For there’s nothing finer

Than a guy in eyeliner

To help mend a broken heart


Cure Mode

Enjoying
the
silence

With my
pictures
of you

Running
to your
heart to
be near

And
although
pleasures
remain

As you
fall into
my arms

Equally,
so does
the pain

(Originally Posted 28.07.2020)

Timidity

I know that here I come across

As someone who speaks their mind

But in reality

Words can often fail me

And my voice is much harder to find


The Jumble Sale

I rummage around inside my head as I search for what to say

But my silence means all you hear is I don’t want you to stay

I rummage around inside my head as I look down to the floor

But my silence means all you hear is I don’t love you anymore

What is painfully sad for both of us is neither of these things are true

But the jumble sale of words in my head prevents me from being honest with you

(Originally Posted 28.07.2019)

Archived

No longer the main attraction

I have been consigned to the basement

As people couldn’t touch

They stopped looking as much

And so they wheeled out my replacement


Life as a Relic

It’s like
I’m now
a museum
exhibit

Everyone
is welcome
to stop
and stare

But there
is no
touching
allowed

(Originally Posted 27.07.2019)

If Pushed

They’re not always

About you, you know

These thoughts

Inside my head

Sometimes

I’m more than capable

Of putting myself first

Instead


As If

What’s
that

I
hear
you
say

Don’t
stand
at your
grave
and
weep

I
wouldn’t
piss
on it

If it
was on
fire

You
fucking
egotistical
creep

(Originally Posted 27.07.2020)

Eating Dinner In Fancy Restaurants

There were quite a few before him

As I tried each one for size

But if there’s no more after him

Then I wouldn’t be surprised


Like Lightning

I remember

When
I thought
it was
you

And I
made my
feelings
plain

But
then
I met
him

And
within
seconds
I knew

I’d never
think
about
you

Again

(Originally Posted 26.07.2020)

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