"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I’m not sure
What I was protecting here
My mind, body or soul
Either way, it seems,
I’d go to extremes
To keep whatever makes me whole
Access Denied
What I have
Is not for you
It is mine and mine alone
If you want
What I have got
Fuck off and find your own
(Originally Posted 15.02.2022)
Just keep taking the pills
He said
And they’ll eventually quieten
the voices
I suppose I can persevere
She said
Through a lack of any
other choices
‘It’s Nice To Be A Lunatic…’
Am I over
tired
Or am I just
plain sad
Am I far
too wired
Or simply
going mad
Does it
really matter
For I think
we can deduct
That as I can’t
stop this chatter
Either way,
I’m fucked
(Originally Posted 13.02.2020)
Truth is
I’m getting older
I just wish
It was wiser too
Perhaps with that
Would come the ability
To find
A little stability
And I’d maybe make it
All the way through
The Spiral
It feels like
every day I fall
A little further
down the hole
Losing just
a wee bit more
Of my body,
mind and soul
(Originally Posted 05.02.2020)
If we speak to them
With smiles on our faces
There’s no chance we’ll get back
Into their good graces
We need to show them
Our regrets are huge
Even if that’s only
Half of the truth
Remorse
As we
return
to face
the music
Remember,
this is
no time
for hubris
(Originally Posted 31.01.2020)
I envy those people
Who are not deep thinkers
Who never peek out
From behind their blinkers
They all must live
Such carefree lives
Whilst I toil away
Hiding the knives
Stood At The Urinal
Do you
ever
think
there’s
more to
life
than
this?
Fuck
knows
mate,
to be
honest,
I only
came in
for a piss
(Originally Posted 30.01.2020)
Washing your hands
Checking the locks
Labelling your cans
Sorting your socks
You call them all
Your ‘OCD’
But you’ve got no idea
What it really means
All The 8’s
And so it begins
The incessant counting
The overthinking
The fear mounting
That impending doom
Will certainly strike
If I do not get
This pattern right
(Originally Posted 25.01.2021)
It’s only when
The meds kick in
That you realise
The truth
The only person
On that ward
Being fooled
Was you
Psych Ward 101
Just keep calm
Don’t let them see
They’ll leave you alone
If you just agree
(Originally Posted 22.01.2021)
It’s hard to consider
Giving much more
When your mind is weak
And your heart is sore
Cardiac Arrest
My heart
has been
aching
all day
Nothing
has made
the pain
go away
Perhaps
this will
finally be
the end
And I’ll
no longer
have to
pretend
(Originally Posted 21.01.2020)
“Raindrops keep falling on my head”
As that old sentimentalist croons
Well for me,
It’s not just raindrops
It’s a slew of fucking monsoons
Left Guessing
Time moves on
Yet I’m stood still
Fading away
Losing the will
As each second
Passes me by
I can’t seem to forget
Or stop asking why
(Originally Posted 19.01.2021)
I feel I should
Apologise again
For burdening you
Last night
I understand
It’s not your problem
And I know
It’s not your fight
Nice Try
Thank
you
for the
offer
But I
really
must
say no
There is
no need
for you
to listen
To any
more of
my tales
of woe
(Originally Posted 19.01.2020)
Has it ever occured to you
He said
That the source of your discord
Is your inability
To end the hostility
By changing the fucking record?
‘My Only Friend, The End…’
We
mustn’t
ever
forget
She
said
That
the
worst
is yet
to come
How
bloody
long
exactly
He
said
Do you
plan to
bang
that
drum?
(Originally Posted 11.01.2021)
Not everyone finds it easy
To go out and be social
Some of us need
A little time to breathe
While considering
Such a proposal
Leave Me Alone
Although the walls
Are closing in
I have no desire
To leave
I don’t understand
Why you find that
So fucking hard
To believe
(Originally Posted 11.01.2021)
‘For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack’
– Rudyard Kipling
Even if I wanted
To get up
And seize the day
It’s far too cold
For one so old
Outside anyway
Anhedonic
Trying
hard
to
survive
This
thing
called
life
Hoping
to fend
off the
madness
Striving
to find
Some peace
of mind
Underneath
this
duvet of
sadness
(Originally Posted 06.01.2020)
No matter how
I try to improve
Or alter my behaviour
It seems I’m destined
To forever seek
The beauty in my failure
In Vain
Each
time
I try
I always
seem
to fail
Spectacularly
(Originally Posted 05.01.2020)
That really does sound lovely
She said
But I can’t come out to play
Depression wins again
She said
Much to my dismay
An Illicit Kiss
I can’t
think of
anything
more
exciting
Than
sitting
under
subdued
lighting
With
your
lips
pressed
to mine
That
feeling,
divine
Now
doesn’t
that
sound
inviting?
(Originally Posted 03.01.2020)
Sleep at 3pm
No problem
But at 3am
Not a chance
What the fuck
Is wrong
With me
That sleep
At night
Just won’t
Advance
The Insomniac’s Paradox
Why should I bother
Going to bed
When there’s nothing
To wake up for
Why should I bother
Waking up
When I enjoy sleeping
So much more
(Originally Posted 03.01.2021)
It seems I missed
The trip that day
You went
To the optimism farm
I was probably at home
With an ‘on silent’ phone
Sleeping soundly
Through the alarm
Optimism
If I
had
any
spare
I’d
give
some
to you
But
I only
have
enough
To
get
myself
through
This
bullshit
they call
life
(Originally Posted 03.01.2020)
I’d love to say
That things have changed
And I no longer feel
So hopeless
But the intervening time
Since writing this rhyme
Has been equally
As atrocious
Nothing
Nothing makes
me happy
Nothing makes
me smile
There’s nothing left
to look forward to
At least nothing that
feels worthwhile
(Originally Posted 28.12.2019)
This is my favorite time of year
He said
With these scents of cinnamon and pine
As I endure the merriment of others
She said
I thank fuck for cheese and wine
(Originally Posted 24.12.2021)
This new one
Is my favourite
Of all those pills
And potions
As it leaves me feeling
Numb inside
And just going
Through the motions
Regime #7
These
pills
have
stopped
working
They
are now
simply
a token
As
they
don’t
take away
the hurting
From a
heart
that’s
truly
broken
(Originally Posted 23.12.2019)
I don’t need this, any more
I’m doing a lot better
She said
Now I just hear screaming
Once or twice a week
And only inside my head
The Circus Is Back In Town
I wish
I spent
more time
sleeping
Instead
of all
this
weeping
It would
be nice to
do some
dreaming
As
opposed
to all this
screaming
(Originally Posted 21.12.2019)
All those years
All those lists
When all I wanted
Was to eat and get pissed
Thoughtless
Not only is it the time of year for giving
But the time for receiving too
You’ve no idea how glad I am
There’s no more bullshit gifts from you
(Originally Posted 19.12.2020)
This
ain’t
my first
rodeo
And it
won’t
be my
last
As
there’s
always a
change
I
can
undergo
To
keep
myself
intact
‘And The Academy Award Goes To…’
You’re
no fun
anymore
He
said
What
happened
to you
my friend?
I was
never
fun
before
She
said
All of
that
was
just
pretend
(Originally Posted 14.12.2020)
I don’t think
I meant this
As me being
Hard done by
I think it
Was more
To show
At my core
That I’m actually
Not a good guy
Unfair
I never
get what
I want
Let alone
what I
deserve
(Originally Posted 14.12.2019)
Sometimes I wonder
If I made it out alive
Or if I’m actually still dead
I mean I know
I put on a good show
But I’d rather just feel it instead
But Still Alive
Mired in madness
Subsumed in sadness
Buried here forever
Lost in blackness
(Originally Posted 12.12.2019)
You’re hardly the life and soul
They said
Even with a drink you’re glum
You don’t know the half of it
She said
I didn’t even want to come
Sanctuary
Never more than when
I’m in a room full of people
Do I feel most the alone
All I want to do is beat
A slow and steady retreat
And find my sanctuary at home
(Originally Posted 10.12.2020)
I know
That depression
Is cyclical
Yet I’m still taken
By surprise
Whenever
It hits
And I feel
Like shit
As the light fades
From behind my eyes
Sprung
The beast has crept back in again
She’s beaten down my door
And there was me,
Foolishly,
Thinking I wouldn’t need pills anymore
(Originally Posted 09.12.2020)
If only one day
He’d answer back
Instead of just little
Old lunatic me
Shouting into the black
Into The Wind
As my life passes me by
I lose the will to even try
So I raise my hands to the sky
And scream why me, you arsehole, why?
(Originally Posted 07.12.2020)
As I stand here
Taking snaps
Comparing them
To years past
I am struck
By the magnitude
Of how much I now
Love my solitude
(High)lands
Let us
roam
amongst
the
heather
Laugh
out loud
betwixt
the
blether
Kiss
amidst
this
stormy
weather
Until
we
come
undone
together
(Originally Posted 03.12.2020)
Early this morning
Whilst stood on the street
The plumpest wee robin
Landed at my feet
It looked like she’d managed
To escape her cage
And that she was ready
To face winter’s rage
Unfathomable Cruelty
Only I
know why
the caged
bird sings
It’s because
some bastard
clipped it’s
wings
Yet as the
tears rise
and the
anger stings
The bird
knows it’s
just one of
those things
(Originally Posted 22.11.2019)
It is all
Well and good
Spending time
With old friends
Yet it’s always me
Who leaves emptily
When the night
Inevitably ends
Catching Up
It
was
so
good
to see
you
But
now
I’m
glad
you’ve
gone
You
remind
me too
much of
my life
before
And
what
has
since
gone
wrong
(Originally Posted 21.11.2019)
‘I will do better in the morning…’
This type of positive sentiment
Is all well and good
But it’s of no use
When you cannot produce
The feelings others say you should
The (Not So) Funny Man
‘A day without laughter is a day wasted…’
Oh just fuck off Charlie,
Life’s far more complicated.
(Originally Posted 18.11.2019)
This is what depression does
It strips you bare until life becomes
Just too much to contemplate.
So you lie there alone
Isolated at home
And accept what you feel is fate.
Meanwhile everyone else
Is worried about you.
Totally clueless
As to how to help you.
Ultimately nobody wins.
So fuck depression,
And all that it brings.
In My Eyes
No one
sees
me as
anything
more
Than a
sad and
lonely
depressed
old bore
A pathetic
waste of
space for
sure
Just
another
nuisance
to ignore
(Originally Posted 14.11.2019)
If you want to know
My state of mind
On any given day
Just look at my nails
As they’ll tell the tale
Of how I’m feeling straight away
A Messy Job
Why oh why
did I try
to paint
my nails
on a train?
Never will
I attempt
such a
ridiculous
thing again!
(Originally Posted 09.11.2019)
I’ll never look on the bright side
Or see that glass half full
As my penchant for misery
Has now come to be
Very much dyed in the wool
‘Jealous Guy’
Some
days
I am
acutely
aware
That
you
have
much
more
fun
than
me
I
suppose
it’s
not
that
hard
to
believe
Given
my
penchant
for
misery
(Originally Posted 08.11.2020)
I should really take
My own advice
And instead of all this droning
Pull myself together
Whatever the weather
And just stop fucking moaning
Worry Less
And
just
get
on
with
it
It’s
not
like
everyone
else
Isn’t
also
wading
through
shit
(Originally Posted 07.11.2020)
That is how
It was back then
When I had no choice
But to rely on pills
One to find a way
To get through each day
And several more
To help me rebuild
Happy Pills
I think
we’ll
increase
your dose,
She
said,
To stop
you
feeling so
morose.
I’ll
easily
give it
a try,
I
said,
But I’m
pretty sure
the end
is nigh.
(Originally Posted 07.11.2019)
Here I am stuck
In this carriage again
Honestly,
I could scream
I’m forever trying
To reach the end
Yet I always run out
Of steam
‘Forever Delayed’
Brought
to a
standstill
By leaves
on the
line ahead
Yet
another
signal
point
failure
Oh how
I wish
I’d stayed
in bed
(Originally Posted 05.11.2019)
I guess I don’t feel
Like this anymore
But in that I can take no pride
As the only reason
I feel any different
Is because I’m now dead inside
What’s The Point?
It
feels
like
I will
never
laugh
again
As my
life
is so
full of
sorrow
and pain
Like
I will
no
longer
be able
to smile
And
that
nothing
I do will
ever be
worthwhile
(Originally Posted 01.11.2019)
When I read back
On posts like this
I can’t help but curl my toes
It’s like I think
You’re all in the pink
And it’s just me that feels morose
In My Shoes
Bitter
and
twisted
Yes,
that’s
me
But
live
my
life
For a
minute
or two
And so
would
you
fucking
be
(Originally Posted 01.11.2020)
It would not be
That unusual for me
To view my own mental health
As simply cliché
And to explain it away
As just feeling sorry for myself
The Gloom
Does it
follow me
Or do I
chase it
Either way
around
It’s still
pretty shit
(Originally Posted 30.10.2019)
I’ve felt this way
For some time now
And yet I still plod on
Perhaps this is just
My normal now
And it’s hoping for more that’s wrong
Zestless
Finally
dropping
into
bed
Knowing
I couldn’t
have done
any more
There is
no point
in setting
an alarm
As
there’s
nothing
to wake
up for
(Originally Posted 24.10.2020)
If only I’d tried harder
I could have fought you more
If only I’d been smarter
I could have won the war
Fade To Black
Pull down the stars
Put out the sun
I’ve had enough
You have won
(Originally Posted 23.10.2020)
You will feel much better
She said
After a drink and something to eat
There’s no point in feeding me up
She said
For I have accepted defeat
Little Miss Pitiful
Too busy to stop,
Too bored to stay.
Too broken to fight,
For yet another day.
(Originally Posted 21.10.2019)
They sense my attempt
To avoid them, the pack,
So they change their course
Quick smart
For there’s nothing more appealing
Than an injured woman concealing
The stench
Of her bleeding heart
Prey
The
wolves
are on
their
hunt
again
I can
hear
them
whine
and
howl
They
are
already
stalking
me,
I know,
For
you’ve
told
them
where
to prowl
(Originally Posted 14.10.2019)
I’d love to say
That two years on
That I have cleaned up my act
But from what I suffered
My body never recovered
And my mind will always be cracked
Old Habits
As my
veins
drip
with
chip
fat
And
my
lungs
marinate
in
tar
I
wonder
if,
perhaps
this
time,
I’ve
taken
things
too
far
(Originally Posted 28.09.2020)
It would’ve saved a lot of time
She said
Had I walked away long ago
Oh please don’t kid yourself
She said
You’d still have lived a life of woe
‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’
If
someone
told me
then
How all
this
would
end
I’d pack
a bag
and run
away
And not
even
bother
to pretend
(Originally Posted 22.09.2020)
I may spend time lying down
But not much of that is sleeping
It’s existential dread
That fills my head
And that’s not to mention the weeping
Forty Winks
Why do
I bother
coming
to bed
It’s not
like I
can
sleep
All I
do is
fucking
lie here
Overthinking
and
counting
sheep
(Originally Posted 21.09.2019)
It’s not like it wasn’t obvious
That I was depressed as fuck
Given all my talk,
I would’ve thought,
That was understood
Read Between The Lines
How
much
more
Must
I write
Before
you
come to
save
me?
How
much
more
Must
I fight
Before
you
run to
embrace
me?
(Originally Posted 14.09.2020)
I have just gone back
To pretending now
Convincing you that I
Am worth it, somehow
I’ve worked too hard
To let it go to waste
As this persona has taken
A lifetime to create
The Truth
If you
knew
the
truth
about me
You
would
run
away
and hide
You
wouldn’t
waste
another
minute
On
someone
so
rotten
inside
(Originally Posted 13.09.2019)
I can hardly remember writing
Such a powerful piece
Although I can recall requiring
A medication increase
Yes Sir, No Sir
Okay,
okay,
I accept
defeat.
I’ll get up,
get dressed,
drink tea,
eat.
I’ll take
the pills
you say
I need.
I’ll be a
good wee girl,
like we
agreed.
(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)
It can be hard to stop
And smell the roses
When you’d rather
Be six feet under them
The Black Dog
When I heard
the black dog
barking outside
I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide
When I heard
the black dog
at my door
I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore
Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder
And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)
Just stop this negative talk
He said
I won’t hear any more of it
But those seeds have been sown
She said
Ever since I was a kid
Sham(e)
I got
bored of
this shit
a long
time ago
These
endless
tales of
sadness
and woe
Now with
eyes that
burn from
the tears
that flow
I loathe
myself
more than
you’ll
ever know
(Originally Posted 23.08.2019)
I’ve always been indecisive
But now it’s worse than ever
The back and forth is so divisive
I’m about as reliable as the weather
Confusion
No!
No!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
How am
I supposed
to decide
what to do
When my
head’s
in such
a mess?
(Originally Posted 22.08.2019)
It’s been ages since I’ve seen you
She said
How are you doing my friend?
Oh, things are fine with me
She said
Not wishing to offend
Distraction
Maybe I could see a friend
Or give them a call instead
It must be better than wrestling
With these demons in my head
(Originally Posted 22.08.2021)
If only I had a pound
For each session that started like this
I wouldn’t need a whip-round
For a better therapist
On The Couch
What’s worrying you today,
He asks.
Everything,
I reply.
(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)
Why don’t you come over
He said
And spend time with me today
Because I’m better off alone
She said
I’ve learned that the hard way
Power
I’ve walked
along
this road
before
Feeling
lonely
and
insecure
At least
this time
I know
for sure
You
cannot
hurt me
anymore
(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)
I don’t know why
I got carried away
I only smiled
That one day
It’s not like my sadness
Can fade to grey
As this black cloud
Is here to stay
‘A Little Peculiar’
Something happened this morning
When I sat up in my bed
I found that instead of yawning
I actually smiled instead
(Originally Posted 10.08.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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