"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
As if all I do
Is wander around
And weep into the rain
When I really feel blue
To my bed I am bound
As that is my real domain
Grey Days
I love
walking
on grey days
The raindrops
land on my face
and mingle with
my tears
Hiding them
from prying
eyes
(Originally Posted 02.05.2019)
I’ve said this many times
Mainly to my psychiatrist
For it is he who,
In my opinion,
Sould remain the quietest
No Idea
Stop asking me questions
When you are in no way prepared for the answers
(Originally Posted 01.05.2019)
You should start a diary
He said
And we can talk it through next week
I’ve been keeping one for years
She said
If you’d like to sneak a peek
‘What’s Good For The Goose…’
Just write it down
He said
How hard can it be
But he had never encountered
Someone as fucked up as me
(Originally Posted 25.04.2020)
Please do not look upon me
With your pity and dismay
For this last few years
Have taught me
Feelings aren’t shit anyway
Blackout
I
don’t
want
to feel
better
I
don’t
want
to feel
at all
(Originally Posted 21.04.2020)
Life will never be linear
He said
The path won’t always be straight
The trick is to just hold on
He said
And try your best to navigate
Trauma
But
you
were
doing
so well
He
said
I
don’t
quite
understand
Coming
back
from
hell
She
said
Doesn’t
always
go to
plan
(Originally Posted 20.04.2020)
Now
I am just
Still
Every Day
Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.
Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.
Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.
Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.
(Originally Posted 17.04.2019)
Dodging bullets
Since 1980
And showing no signs of stopping
The Loaded Gun
Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.
I try to hold on,
To ignore the gun
And trudge through yet another day.
(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)
There’s nothing wrong with being self sufficient
She said
After all it’s got me this far
I never said you weren’t resilient
He said
But that doesn’t have to be all you are
Toolkit
You wish you could fix me,
But you can’t.
I wish I would let you,
But I won’t.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
In difference to the year before
I’d travelled down to Glasgow here
I met up with an old friend
To discuss another one over beer
What a difference a year can make
Along with some heavy anti-depressants
As you can see I was far happier
And had never felt more present
Old Faces
I
loved
talking
to you
so much
tonight
It
bought
a tear
to my
eye
It seems
there’s
no one
else I
want to
sit with
And
watch
the
world
go by
(Originally Posted 30.03.2020)
Jesus.
How depressed was I?
I’d travelled over to Dublin
Albeit with a heavy sigh
I remember all those people
And all the fun they had
I remember trying to fit in
Even though I was pretty much mad
It’s sad to think back now
On just how much I missed
As I may well have been there in person
But I clearly did not want to exist
Travel
It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.
How beautiful the country you visit,
How fascinating the people you meet,
How much booze you drink.
You can’t run away from your thoughts.
You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.
Travel solves nothing.
(Originally Posted 30.03.2019)
Still here
Still play-acting
And still, no one has noticed
Pretence
People are easy to fool, I find, on the whole.
They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…
(Originally Posted 29.03.2019)
If only I was able
To be more optimistic
But I’ve been around enough
To know life is tough
So it’s better to be fatalistic
Fuck It
It doesn’t matter
How hard we try
We still fuck it all up
In the end.
(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)
I told you they’d quiten down
He said
That you just had to give it time
The reason I don’t hear them
She said
Is because now they tend to mime
Psycho(tic) Babble
It’s
past
midnight
again
And
still
I’m not
in bed
When will
they stop
driving
me insane
These
voices
inside
my head?
(Originally Posted 16.03.2020)
It is becoming ever clearer
That I’ve spent too long
In amongst the mundane
Now enough time has passed
With me being downcast
And I want that high life again
The Train Home
Why
can’t
it be
like that
all the
time
Talking,
laughing
and
drinking
wine
It
always
feels
like
such a
crime
When I
have to
return
to this
life of
mine
(Originally Posted 08.03.2020)
Nobody ever did throw that lifeline
So I learned to swim on my own
It was better that way
Than to wait for the day
When I wouldn’t be alone
Loving You…
Feels like I’ve been thrown
Into the loch
The freezing water
Sucking me down
With no one on land
To throw me a lifeline
(Originally posted 03.03.2019)
This may have been posted
In 2019
But it was written long ago
In the back of a French class
As I recall
Looking out into the snow
Je Suis Morte
I’ve been here so many, many times before
I’m just fucking bored now.
Bored with the fucking lot of it.
It’s pointless now.
Not that there ever was a point, obviously.
Je Suis Morte.
I Fucking Wish.
(Originally Posted 02.03.2019)
Trudging through this half a life
Really just subsisting
Knowing I’d be
Better off dead
Than merely just existing
It left you so exhausted
Wrestling to decide
Now you know
What it’s like
Living inside my mind
If alcohol doesn’t soothe me
And music doesn’t move me
It’s no wonder I can’t cope
This crippling anxiety
Coupled with impropriety
Has left me devoid of hope
Searching for meaning
Where there is none
Is never healing
Or very much fun
Don’t just fucking humour me
She said
Actually listen to what I’m saying
But my job is to indulge you
He said
Isn’t that why you’re paying?
I don’t give a fuck
How strong you look
You are never getting in
You may well be
More powerful than me
But you will never win
It does not matter
What I am
It said
From the end of the bed
Just trust that I know
What’s for the best
And I won’t let you
Be misled
If all the roads are closed tonight
Then how will I get home
I’m much too scared
And emotionally impaired
To go a night out here alone
How about this
He said
For an interesting notion
Perhaps you’re not
Dead inside
But just allergic to emotion
I can’t help you
She said
I have nothing to give
Don’t count on me
She said
For your reason to live
I can see straight through you
He said
Your truth isn’t so hard to find
There’s no way you can navigate
She said
The grey areas of my mind
I know that
It seems strange
And makes it difficult
To confabulate
But you must believe me
When I say
It is how
I best communicate
It was nice of you to ask today
So I lied in reciprocation
It would’ve been unfair
To make you aware
Of my abject desolation
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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