I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
Freezing
I tried really hard today.
To laugh.
To be normal.
To forget.
And I managed, for a while.
But still I lie in bed here, freezing, hoping to go to sleep and dream of you.
Pretence
People are easy to fool, on the whole, I find.
They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…
God
I wish I believed.
It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.
It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.
It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.
Truly.
But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.
I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.
I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.
Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.
And I’m not sure I have the strength.
No Choice
One step at a time…
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
Must Try Harder
You must try harder, he says.
Harder to smile,
Harder to laugh,
Harder to forgive,
Harder to forget,
Harder to live again,
Harder to love again.
You must try harder, he says.
I can’t, she whispers
I’m sorry.
Lies
There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.
And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.
Solitude
You get used to it, you know.
Being on your own.
Plus, no one sees you cry.
Which helps.
Questions
When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?
My Heart
My heart is smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.
I don’t have the glue to put it back together.
And I lost the instruction manual years ago.
Who Goes First?
It’s better that I’m living without you
Rather than you living without me
You’d never cope with this pain
It has wrecked me
But it would have destroyed you
And I would have hated that
Broken
Bloodied, bruised, bowed
but not broken.
Who am I kidding?
I'm fucked.
The Way I Really Feel
I may say I am okay.
I may say it to you and I definitely say it to myself.
But it's a lie.
I am really not okay.
At all.
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
First Day Back
Dishwashers rattle
Kettles bubble
Doors bang
Toilets drip
Heaters blast
Floorboards creak
Keys jangle
Voices whisper
Switches flick
Mouths yawn
Arms stretch
Feet shuffle
Computers hum
Mouse wheels tick
Photocopiers whirr
Printers churn
Keyboards click
Phones trill
Mobiles buzz
Pens scratch
Papers rustle
My Heart Breaks
2am
I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt
I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng
I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only
I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail
I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
‘Natural Entities’
The rain lashes down remorselessly.
Pelting, splashing, bouncing upwards towards the sky.
The thunder rumbles angrily.
Crashing, reverberating, making its presence felt.
The lightning cracks fearfully,
Illuminating the sky in a cinematic silhouette.
I look out of the window and all is calm.
I realise this tempest exists only in my heart.
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 