Still here
Still pretending
Still living
With grief unending
Sick & Tired
And
so
begins
another
day
Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok
If
only
there
was
another
way
As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
Caring Even Less Now Than I Did Then
I just want you to know
She said
I haven’t missed you one bit
My life has improved dramatically
She said
Without your presence in it
Couldn’t Give A Fuck, Mate
I just
want
you to
know
He
said
That
I don’t
like you
anymore
Please,
join
the
queue
She
said
After
all, I’ve
been here
before
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
Thesaurus Required
Two cunts so far this week
Is perhaps a bit of a worry
I really don’t see me
Winning prizes for poetry
In any kind of a fucking hurry
Disdain
It would have been quite easy
Had you wanted to commit
To just imagine for a second
What it’s like to go through with it
But in the end you chose not to
Which leads me to be blunt
Because of the things you did not do
You really are a cunt
(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)
*Cringes*
It only took seconds
To write this one
And really, I should have binned it
Now it’s a lesson
That it’s not all progression
And sometimes, it’s better to edit
Success
Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above
Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night
(Originally Posted 13.04.2019)
Console(d)
I wrote this one
When I went back into the office
Although the thought of working
Left me feeling nauseous
I knew I had to return
And get it out of the way
But nothing really prepared me
For that difficult first day
All those well meaning people
Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit
All approaching me awkwardly
Asking how I was coping with it
Was there something they could say
Or anything they could do
Telling me they were here for me
Making sure that much I knew
I remember hiding in the bathroom
Just for a bit of peace
Hoping that back at my desk
Their annoying behaviour would cease
Then one day their fawning stopped
Like enough sympathy had been shown
And those incessant space invaders
Began to leave me the fuck alone
Space Invader
I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
Two Heads Can Be Better Than One
There’s nothing wrong with being self sufficient
She said
After all it’s got me this far
I never said you weren’t resilient
He said
But that doesn’t have to be all you are
Toolkit
You wish you could fix me,
But you can’t.
I wish I would let you,
But I won’t.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
But It’s So Brutally Apt
So you’re another year older, eh?
And yet you’re still a cunt
Aging it seems, sadly for you,
Changes nothing on that front
(Not Too) Many Happy Returns
Happy
Birthday
to you
I hope
you
have
fun
I didn’t
send you
a card
Because
you don’t
deserve
one
(Originally Posted 11.04.2020)
‘Show Me, Show Me, Show Me…’
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
‘Happy Or Sad?’
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
Old Ground
You must decide
Who you want to let go
And who it is you want to retain
For there is no way
I can spend another day
Going over all this again
Right Person / Wrong Time
I do
appreciate
what
we
had
But
lament
what
could
have
been
You
and
me
together
forever
With
nobody
inbetween
(Originally Posted 09.04.2020)
In
The days still march on,
But now I run forward.
Always in step,
Everything in place,
And just about in time.
Out
The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
Random #188
‘She can
Start
To walk out
When she wants’
Random #187
‘Big mistake. Big. Huge.’
– Vivian Ward
Actually…
I actually have
A lot more to give
Than this wee ditty suggests
I actually am
Quite the catch
Despite my ongoing protests
Damaged Goods
It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me
You
deserve
to be
happy
But
you
won’t
get to
share
In
anything
with
me
But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
Pillow Thoughts
If only I’d been honest
Back then
And told him how I felt
I wouldn’t be lying
Here alone again
Ruing the blow I dealt
Pillow Talk
I’ll
never
be able
to give
you
Exactly
what
you
want
I can be
your
standby
fuck
buddy
But
never
your
confidant
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
Our Father
I no longer go to confession
For who is He
To mete out my punishment?
As if in just one session
There could possibly be
Anything close to moral replenishment
Hail Mary
You’d think
now I
have more
time on
my hands
I’d be
thinking
about the
future and
making plans
Yet I
sit here
dwelling on
that one
transgression
Knowing
it’s too
late now
give my
confession
(Originally Posted 07.04.2020)
He Said More/She Said More Too
This was the first of many like this
She said
Although they became much more refined
I’m just waiting for the day
He said
Where our roles are more clearly defined
He Said/She Said
One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said
But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said
One day
Somebody might love you
He said
But today
Nobody does
She said
(Originally Posted 07.04.2019)
Come Time
I spend less time by the river
Nowadays
It’s not my preferred option
Anyways
Drowning
The girl in the river,
She never thought she would be.
The girl in the river,
She didn’t want you to see.
The girl in the river,
She just wanted to be free.
The girl in the river,
She is me.
(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)
A String Trio
Were you ever lovers?
Or was he just your friend
I guess now I’ll never know
Who he wanted in the end
Second Fiddle
Drunkenly
wishing
upon a
star
Won’t
make my
dreams
come true
For he’ll
never be
able to
love me
Half as
much as
he loved
you
(Originally Posted 06.04.2020)
A Book Next, Perhaps?
This seems to have served you well
He said
With plenty of folks who enjoy reading
I never thought I’d get this far
She said
Let alone that I’d be succeeding
Talentless
I wish I could
take your plaudit
But I just write
what comes to me
My inability
to self edit
Laid bare for
all to see
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Ups And Downs
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
My Unhappy Place
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
I Know Now
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
Random #186
‘Oh what’ll you do now, my blue eyed son?
What’ll you do now, my darling young one?
I’m goin’ back out ‘fore the rain starts fallin…’
Arid
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
Relieved
The scars I carry
Across my body
May well be off the chart
But now I focus
On pulling myself together
Instead of tearing myself apart
Relief
As I
open
up my
scars
The
blood
flows
once
more
As I
begin
to see
stars
I fall,
sated,
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
Thera-Pets
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
Learning To Trust
It must be
The child in me
That tests people like I do
But if you could see
What happened to me
Then you’d be wary of people too
Friendship
Every time I make you laugh another part of me dies inside.
For you can never be the one to whom I can confide.
It’s my own fault, I know too well, as I should not try to pretend.
But if you could see past my facade, you’d make a cracking friend.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
Random #185
‘If I can’t love her
Let the world be done with me.’
Random #184
‘You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires’
– Viscount Anthony Bridgerton
Everything Still
You were never once
In my possession
Yet you’ll forever be
My complete obsession
Everything
You
are the one
I will never
forget
I
am the one
you have already
forgotten
(Originally Posted 01.04.2019)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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