I’d Only Stand in the Kitchen Anyway…

For the third night in a row there are people having a party, somewhere, along my street.

I can hear them talking and laughing in their garden.

I can smell their cigarette smoke through my open window.

I can hear the rattle of beer bottles as they are thrown into the recycle bin.

Music blares away until the early hours.

I’m so jealous sitting here, miserable and alone, night after night.

I mean, I can be fun too you know.

Well, kind of.

Left

I
missed you
again today

Everyone
else had
gone away

And it was
just me
here alone

Crying for
the love
I had once
known

Creaky Floorboards

Tonight is
the first time
I’ve felt real fear

Being
home alone
without you here

What if someone
breaks in during
the night?

Will I survive
now you’re not
here to fight?

Dwelling

Pain helps, momentarily.

It provides a fleeting relief.

Then the numbness returns.

And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.

The Reality

Life goes on,
now I’m alone,
as tears wash
over me
like rain.

Time moves on,
as I come undone,
with fear that
I’ll never
love again.

Wilderness

Never amongst so many people have I felt so alone.

I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to go home.

Yet for all the kindness and love I have been shown,

I still can’t face another lifetime here on my own.

At All

I reach
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
the abyss
I fall.

I search
for your face,
but no one cares,
and it’s like you
were never here
at all.

5am

Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,

Waking up is never easy.

The Reverse

I’ve never felt happiness,
I don’t know what it is.

I’ve never seen happiness
But I’m sure that it’s not this.

1000 Miles

The message from the search engine pings.

Their spies inform me that last month I visited:

Three different countries,
Fifteen different cities,
And twenty one different places.

That means I travelled over 1000 miles, last month.

Each one without you.

And every one with an empty heart.

The Act

I can act like I’m happy,

I can act like I’m there.

I can act like I’m over it,

I can act like I care.

But it’s all to avoid having to admit,

That I’m just really fucking scared of life.

Without you.

If You Like

Stitch my wounds, if you like
I want to feel the pain
Don't call me a silly girl
For I'll only do it again

Ask me why, if you like
But you will never understand
The need, the comfort, the urgency
Those scissors close at hand

Leave me here, if you like
Go and walk away if you dare
Just remember I never asked for your help
Or your tender loving care

Forget I exist, if you like
It will not bother me one bit
For I'll always have my trusty blade
And carry my own first aid kit

He Said / She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

God

I wish I believed.

It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.

It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.

It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.

Truly.

But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.

I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.

I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.

Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.

And I’m not sure I have the strength.

Go

Maybe it would be for the best if I left
Just got the fuck out of here for good

Let's face it, I could

I have no responsibilities
I have no commitments
I have nothing

And it's not like anyone wants me to stay anyway

Mild Peril

I trace those old scars with my finger
I remember the fleeting pain
And the lasting relief

I never told anyone

I hope I'm not about to re-open old wounds

Literally