"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
That I ever thought
Those pills would work
Is actually quite preposterous
For I have found
To my cost
That the pit of my stomach is bottomless
Prescription For A Broken Heart
I took
the first
one this
morning
The rest
won’t be
hard to
swallow
Soon
my belly
will be
full
And I’ll
no longer
feel so
hollow
(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)
It would’ve saved a lot of time
She said
Had I walked away long ago
Oh please don’t kid yourself
She said
You’d still have lived a life of woe
‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’
If
someone
told me
then
How all
this
would
end
I’d pack
a bag
and run
away
And not
even
bother
to pretend
(Originally Posted 22.09.2020)
If you were to see
Who I am inside
You would simply run
Away and hide
It’s not as though
I have ever lied
But to quell the beast
I’ve always tried
Hidden
There’s
so much
of me
You
never
see
So many
things
I do
That are
hidden
from view
I know you
won’t believe
it’s true
But it’s
my way of
protecting you
(Originally Posted 22.09.2019)
I may spend time lying down
But not much of that is sleeping
It’s existential dread
That fills my head
And that’s not to mention the weeping
Forty Winks
Why do
I bother
coming
to bed
It’s not
like I
can
sleep
All I
do is
fucking
lie here
Overthinking
and
counting
sheep
(Originally Posted 21.09.2019)
It’s not like it wasn’t obvious
That I was depressed as fuck
Given all my talk,
I would’ve thought,
That was understood
Read Between The Lines
How
much
more
Must
I write
Before
you
come to
save
me?
How
much
more
Must
I fight
Before
you
run to
embrace
me?
(Originally Posted 14.09.2020)
I can hardly remember writing
Such a powerful piece
Although I can recall requiring
A medication increase
Yes Sir, No Sir
Okay,
okay,
I accept
defeat.
I’ll get up,
get dressed,
drink tea,
eat.
I’ll take
the pills
you say
I need.
I’ll be a
good wee girl,
like we
agreed.
(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)
It can be hard to stop
And smell the roses
When you’d rather
Be six feet under them
The Black Dog
When I heard
the black dog
barking outside
I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide
When I heard
the black dog
at my door
I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore
Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder
And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)
I went back to work too early
Of that I have no doubt
But with bills to pay
Much to my dismay
I had no choice but to force myself out
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more I can conceal
Before I decide to end it for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
“Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be”
– Eckhart Tolle
It would’ve been all too easy
To enact the ultimate ‘au revoir’
So just in case I was tempted
I made sure to sell my car
#8 The Optimist
This is
A message
From your favourite
Depressive
To say all
Is well with me
Here’s hoping
It lasts
That those days
Have passed
And I don’t drive
Into a tree
(Originally Posted 02.09.2021)
I really am quite thankful
I no longer feel like this
Even though day to day
Things aren’t always okay
At least I’ve stopped thinking that shit
Shotgun
At
this
point
I’ll
try
anything
She
said
It
can’t
do any
harm
Then
you
should
take
this
one
He
said
It’ll
work
like a
charm
(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)
Then you asked
If I got it back
Never
I replied
That was the day
When it all
Went black
And I was forever
Left dead inside
Q&A
You ask
What
I left
Behind
Nothing
I answer
Just
My mind
(Originally Posted 24.08.2020)
Back then my head
Was in such a mess
I couldn’t even wish myself
A peaceful death
Out With A Bang
What is this
stabbing pain
in my chest?
Why is it
causing me
such unrest?
Fingers
crossed it’s
a heart attack
Then I
can leave
this place
And never
come back
(Originally Posted 23.08.2019)
If only I had a pound
For each session that started like this
I wouldn’t need a whip-round
For a better therapist
On The Couch
What’s worrying you today,
He asks.
Everything,
I reply.
(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)
Nature versus nurture
That is the great debate
Was I born a pessimist
Or did it find me late?
I suppose it doesn’t matter
However it came to be
As the cynic is now embedded
In my personality
Mythbusting
If
life is
funny
sometimes
Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter
It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say
About
living
happily
ever
after
(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)
There is no update for this one
Nothing further to remark
Other than to say
I have felt this way
Pretty much from the start
Outline In Chalk
Here
I lie
Despite
my wealth
Murdered
By my
mental
health
(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)
I was pretending
So much back then
I should have known
Things would soon go tits up
In fact I’m amazed
Given how I behaved
No one thought to lock me up
Apathy & Deception
How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?
Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?
(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)
I really wasn’t well, was I?
Looking back at this
It’s just silo strange, because I
Didn’t realise anything was amiss
The Drudgery
Another
day spent
trudging
through
the
sludge
of life
still
refusing
to budge
forever
trying to
avoid the
judgement
of those
who secretly
hold a
grudge
against me
(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)
There
were
times,
back
then,
When
I just
wasn’t
worth
it
Water
It’s
amazing
the
difference
a shower
can make
Inside
and
out…
(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)
I hope never again
To find myself
Walking along this path
I’ve been through such a lot
That I’m pretty much shot
So I doubt I would make it back
Depression (Part 2)
Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink a shit load of booze
Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore
Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed
Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known
(Originally Posted 15.07.2019)
It’s a word I use a lot
‘Abyss’
Reading back now
I have noticed
I hadn’t quite realised
How numb
I’d become
Or how dissociated I was
When I wrote this
Dwelling
Pain helps, momentarily.
It provides a fleeting relief.
Then the numbness returns
And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.
(Originally Posted 12.07.2019)
Quite a subtle reference here
To a drug I’ve seen
But never taken
I’ve just always known
Being dependence prone
That beast never to awaken
Need(le)
I
need
you
here
Please
come
and
save
me
I
need
to
feel
The
love
you
gave
me
(Originally Posted 01.07.2020)
Yet as the sun came out
Last summer
The glue I’d used soon melted
So whatever I felt back then
Didn’t start a trend
Or conclude as well as projected
Out Of The Blue
I woke up with a smile
Today
All the bad feeling
Had gone away
It actually felt
Like it was the start
Of gluing back together
My broken heart
(Originally Posted 30.06.2021)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
As
life
continues
To slip
through
my fingers
Here
I stand,
still
As the
sadness
lingers
Tinged With Sadness
In
amongst
all of
this
madness
Here
I stand
Heart
tinged
with
sadness
(Originally Posted 24.06.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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