Putting It Bluntly

I’ll say

I felt better

In the end

But the honest truth

Is that

The only reason

I didn’t jump

That day

Is there’d be no one

To feed my cat

#8 The Optimist

This is

A message

From your favourite

Depressive

To say all

Is well with me

Here’s hoping

It lasts

That those days

Have passed

And I don’t drive

Into a tree

Distraction

Maybe I could see a friend

Or give them a call instead

It must be better than wrestling

With these demons in my head

Hard To Believe

When you find

It’s a struggle to cope

When it feels

Like you’ve lost all hope

Remember and try

To just hold on

For there will be

Better days to come

Out Of My Hands

There wouldn’t be any problem

If I didn’t wake up tomorrow

At least I wouldn’t be in pain

Or suffocating in this sorrow

Two Steps Back

Words don’t cut it

Anymore

So it’s back to the knives

Instead

I really thought

I was over this

But the trauma demon

Has to be fed

From Birth

Why is everything so fucking bleak with you

He said

Why can’t you just stop moping around

For my melancholy is lifelong

She said

And no cure can be found

The End Of The Road

Pretending gets tiring

After a while

So in the end you stop

With no cylinders left firing

And an inibility to smile

It’s back up to that rooftop

Namesake

Well that’s me back

In the doldrums again

Months of progress

Down the drain

I can no longer be bothered

With any motivation to find

For it’s clear now nothing will fix

This fragile mind of mine

Haywire

One minute I’m up

But then the next I’m down

It’s really hard

To fake this smile

When it’s easier to frown

Personality #3

I see you there

With your vacant stare

Drowning in infinite sadness

But never fear

I’ll alway be here

Trying to sweep away your madness

After The Exorcism

Things should be better now

He said

They certainly shouldn’t be worse

I really hope so

She said

For I can’t live with this curse

The Fallacy of Pharma

They promised I’d feel better by now

That these pills would have kicked in

Well they fucking lied

As my brain is still fried

And my heart belongs in the bin

Down The Back Of The Sofa

Does anybody know

What we are searching for?

Or where we’re supposed to look?

Because my motivation

Is fading

And it’s getting harder to give a fuck

Dazed And Confused

It was the best day

When we met

The worst when

You walked away

But what hurts the most

Is I was far too morose

For you to want to stay

Progress

I cry a lot more now

Even at the silliest thing

My therapist says it’s better

Than trying to keep it all in

Writer’s Block

I try to write but the words fail.

Sit, think, smoke, exhale.

As I reach for the coffee cup,

I wonder if my time is up.

Have I forgotten you,

Is that what this is?

The reason I can no longer write this shit?

Or could it be this depression is finally lifting?

Maybe the all encompassing darkness is shifting?

Perhaps after all this time my heart is mended.

And my love affair with words has ended.

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

The Faceless Female

She’s back again,
the little control freak,
whispering from my shoulder.

She never really goes away,
despite my efforts to brush her aside
or however much I grow older.

I’ve never once turned to look
at her whilst I try hard to
drown out her speech.

But I never forget
she’s there, berating me,
and bleeding me like a leech.

(Originally Posted 04.08.2019)

Sometimes

Sometimes it's easy to think about you.
Our memories overwhelm me,
I feel the touch of your hand in mine,
and my eyes sparkle with joyous delight.

Sometimes I can't think about you at all.
My brain shuts off the pathway to the pain, 
My lungs stop taking in air,
and my heart, momentarily, stops beating.

Sometimes it's easy to talk about you.
Words fall from my mouth,
stories flow like vintage wine, 
and my smile is as wide as the horizon.

Sometimes I can't talk about you at all.
Sentences fail to form in my head,
my voice dries up like a parched riverbed, 
and my mouth is clamped like a vice.

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)

Murderer

My heart is empty now;
it can never be filled.

My life is over now;
my spirit you have killed.

(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)

Ice

I suppose I should be happy the sun is shining again,

Feel a spring in my step at the lighter evenings,

Be comforted by the warmth on the back of my neck.

But I couldn’t give a shit.

It means nothing.

None of it melts the ice in my heart.

(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)

Self Worth

I’d give you my heart,
But it’s not worth me trying

I’d give you my body,
But it’s not worth your touch

I’d give you my soul,
But it’s not worth my crying

I’d give you my life,
But it’s not worth very much

(Originally Posted 19.04.2019)

The Noose Tightens

Today has
been like
scratching
a brick wall

I didn’t
see this
one coming
at all

Everything
I’ve done
has made me
feel worse

I cannot
shrug this
nightmarish
curse

It feels
ridiculously
melodramatic
to say

But I
really don’t
think there’s
another way

All that
appeals
to me now
is that rope

As finally
it seems I’ve
abandoned
all hope

(Originally Posted 21.08.2019)

Try Harder Next Time

The monster who lives

Under my bed

Whispers again

Why aren’t you dead

Berating me

For writing instead

When all the time

That rope’s still in the shed

The Hangman

I really
try my
best to
cope and
not just
sit around
and mope
but as
time moves
on I
know there’s
no hope
I can
forget the
past and
avoid the
rope that
silently
whispers my
name

(Originally Posted 02.07.2019)

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