Pissing In The Wind

That I ever thought

Those pills would work

Is actually quite preposterous

For I have found

To my cost

That the pit of my stomach is bottomless


Prescription For A Broken Heart

I took
the first
one this
morning

The rest
won’t be
hard to
swallow

Soon
my belly
will be
full

And I’ll
no longer
feel so
hollow

(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)

‘Trouble Loves Me’

It would’ve saved a lot of time

She said

Had I walked away long ago

Oh please don’t kid yourself

She said

You’d still have lived a life of woe


‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’

If
someone
told me
then

How all
this
would
end

I’d pack
a bag
and run
away

And not
even
bother
to pretend

(Originally Posted 22.09.2020)

‘You Can’t Handle The Truth’

If you were to see

Who I am inside

You would simply run

Away and hide

It’s not as though

I have ever lied

But to quell the beast

I’ve always tried


Hidden

There’s
so much
of me

You
never
see

So many
things
I do

That are
hidden
from view

I know you
won’t believe
it’s true

But it’s
my way of
protecting you

(Originally Posted 22.09.2019)

Taking To Bed

I may spend time lying down

But not much of that is sleeping

It’s existential dread

That fills my head

And that’s not to mention the weeping


Forty Winks

Why do
I bother
coming
to bed

It’s not
like I
can
sleep

All I
do is
fucking
lie here

Overthinking
and
counting
sheep

(Originally Posted 21.09.2019)

In Plain Sight

It’s not like it wasn’t obvious

That I was depressed as fuck

Given all my talk,

I would’ve thought,

That was understood


Read Between The Lines

How
much
more

Must
I write

Before
you
come to
save
me?

How
much
more

Must
I fight

Before
you
run to
embrace
me?

(Originally Posted 14.09.2020)

By Mutual Agreement

I can hardly remember writing

Such a powerful piece

Although I can recall requiring

A medication increase


Yes Sir, No Sir

Okay,
okay,
I accept
defeat.

I’ll get up,
get dressed,
drink tea,
eat.

I’ll take
the pills
you say
I need.

I’ll be a
good wee girl,
like we
agreed.

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

The Black Baccara

It can be hard to stop

And smell the roses

When you’d rather

Be six feet under them


The Black Dog

When I heard
the black dog
barking outside

I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide

When I heard
the black dog
at my door

I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore

Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder

And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over

(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)

The Cost Of Living

I went back to work too early

Of that I have no doubt

But with bills to pay

Much to my dismay

I had no choice but to force myself out


Tuesday

I called in sick for work today.

My heart just couldn’t come out to play.

All I’ve done is lie in bed

Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.

With nausea consuming every movement,

My mood shows no sign of improvement.

I hate existing like this.

Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.

I wonder how much more I can conceal

Before I decide to end it for real

(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)

Bonne Idée

It would’ve been all too easy

To enact the ultimate ‘au revoir’

So just in case I was tempted

I made sure to sell my car


#8 The Optimist

This is

A message

From your favourite

Depressive

To say all

Is well with me

Here’s hoping

It lasts

That those days

Have passed

And I don’t drive

Into a tree

(Originally Posted 02.09.2021)

A Tough Read

I really am quite thankful

I no longer feel like this

Even though day to day

Things aren’t always okay

At least I’ve stopped thinking that shit


Shotgun

At
this
point
I’ll
try
anything

She
said

It
can’t
do any
harm

Then
you
should
take
this
one

He
said

It’ll
work
like a
charm

(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)

Q&A (cont)

Then you asked

If I got it back

Never

I replied

That was the day

When it all

Went black

And I was forever

Left dead inside


Q&A

You ask

What

I left

Behind

Nothing

I answer

Just

My mind

(Originally Posted 24.08.2020)

Self Torture

Back then my head

Was in such a mess

I couldn’t even wish myself

A peaceful death


Out With A Bang

What is this
stabbing pain
in my chest?

Why is it
causing me
such unrest?

Fingers
crossed it’s
a heart attack

Then I
can leave
this place

And never
come back

(Originally Posted 23.08.2019)

Buy Cheap Buy Twice

If only I had a pound

For each session that started like this

I wouldn’t need a whip-round

For a better therapist


On The Couch

What’s worrying you today,

He asks.

Everything,

I reply.

(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)

The Cynic

Nature versus nurture

That is the great debate

Was I born a pessimist

Or did it find me late?

I suppose it doesn’t matter

However it came to be

As the cynic is now embedded

In my personality


Mythbusting

If
life is
funny
sometimes

Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter

It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say

About
living
happily
ever
after

(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)

Lifelong

There is no update for this one

Nothing further to remark

Other than to say

I have felt this way

Pretty much from the start


Outline In Chalk

Here
I lie

Despite
my wealth

Murdered

By my
mental
health

(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)

For My Own Good

I was pretending

So much back then

I should have known

Things would soon go tits up

In fact I’m amazed

Given how I behaved

No one thought to lock me up


Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)

At The Time

I really wasn’t well, was I?

Looking back at this

It’s just silo strange, because I

Didn’t realise anything was amiss


The Drudgery

Another
day spent
trudging
through
the
sludge
of life
still
refusing
to budge
forever
trying to
avoid the
judgement
of those
who secretly
hold a
grudge
against me

(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)

Despite What The Ads Said

There
were
times,
back
then,

When
I just
wasn’t
worth
it


Water

It’s
amazing
the
difference
a shower
can make

Inside
and
out…

(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)

At The End Of The Day

I hope never again

To find myself

Walking along this path

I’ve been through such a lot

That I’m pretty much shot

So I doubt I would make it back


Depression (Part 2)

Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink a shit load of booze

Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore

Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed

Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known

(Originally Posted 15.07.2019)

The No Escape Room

It’s a word I use a lot

‘Abyss’

Reading back now

I have noticed

I hadn’t quite realised

How numb

I’d become

Or how dissociated I was

When I wrote this


Dwelling

Pain helps, momentarily.

It provides a fleeting relief.

Then the numbness returns

And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.

(Originally Posted 12.07.2019)

‘I’m Waiting For My Man’

Quite a subtle reference here

To a drug I’ve seen

But never taken

I’ve just always known

Being dependence prone

That beast never to awaken


Need(le)

I
need
you
here

Please
come
and
save
me

I
need
to
feel

The
love
you
gave
me

(Originally Posted 01.07.2020)

‘Back To Black’

Yet as the sun came out

Last summer

The glue I’d used soon melted

So whatever I felt back then

Didn’t start a trend

Or conclude as well as projected


Out Of The Blue

I woke up with a smile

Today

All the bad feeling

Had gone away

It actually felt

Like it was the start

Of gluing back together

My broken heart

(Originally Posted 30.06.2021)

Omnipresent

It has gotten easier

To get out of bed

But life without him

Has not

For there is little relief

From the pain of grief

And that is now my lot


Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)

‘At The Dark End Of The Street’

As
life
continues

To slip
through
my fingers

Here
I stand,
still

As the
sadness
lingers


Tinged With Sadness

In
amongst
all of
this
madness

Here
I stand

Heart
tinged
with
sadness

(Originally Posted 24.06.2020)

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