Tag: funny

Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

4

Netflix and (Actually) Chill

Please don’t think

That I’m not keen

Being intentionally rude

Or deliberately mean

I’m just not in the mood

To give you head

And I’d rather we watch

This box set instead

5

Sleight Of Hand

What do we have here?

He said 

Hand snaking

Towards his crotch 

I really can’t be arsed 

She said 

So I’ll just sit here

And watch

0

Succinct

What is life
He said
Without a little risk?

There’s testing the limit
She said
And then taking the piss

0

Still Fucking Miserable

It’s about time

You reared

Your ugly head

I was panicked

Fearing

The worst

And yet soon

You’ll be wishing

I was still missing

As there’s no

Let-up

To my verse

8

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

27

New Glasses Day

I know

When I

See you again

There’s no way

That you

Won’t comment

But I hope

And pray

You’ll be kind

And say

You admire

My confidence

4

Finding The Time

Ah, you’re still here

He said

So you’ve not popped

Your clogs yet?

It’s not for a lack of trying

She said

But the chance

Has been murder to get

2

As If

I find it funny

You think 

I’d remember

Even more so

That I’d care

Because

Everything you said

Went over my head

As you were blissfully

Unaware

0

The Heat Of The Moment

I never said 

You weren’t thoughtful

Not conscientious or kind 

It’s just that when I said 

I wish you were dead 

I had other things

On my mind 

3

The Local Lothario

I couldn’t get a photo

She said

But I promise you, it’s true

She was there legs akimbo

Lips stuck to his like glue

I cannot quite believe it

She said

He just doesn’t seem the type

But now that you have seen it

Does it live up to the hype?

Let me put it this way

She said

From the look upon her face

I think it would be safe to say

He doesn’t get many complaints!

2

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

0

Just Another Chore

Let’s make love tonight

He said

Until we reach

The heights of heaven

Just fucking stick it in

She said

I’ve got to be up

At seven

8

All You Need To Know

I know I’d suggested

Greeting cards

But as I see the humour in this

Perhaps I’d be more suited

To writing less convoluted

Patient information leaflets

The Human Rattle

Take
these
pills

To
cure
your
ills

And
mend
your
broken
heart

They’ll
give
you
chills

And
delay
your
thrills

But at
least
it’ll
be a
start

(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)

2

Making A Killing

Sometimes I read these and wonder

With all my insults and barbs

If I really have missed my calling

Writing alternative greetings cards

Black Letter Days

Are
you
sure
we’re
done
here

He
said

You’ve
got
nothing
more to
say?

Other
than
shove
those
candles
up your
arse

She
said

Oh, and
happy
birthday!

(Originally Posted 10.02.2021)

14

Random #280

‘“In my world, I am constantly torn between killing myself or everyone around me.”

– Ragnar

0

Fooling No One

I really am sorry my friend

He said

But I can’t do much with that

The only thing I could recommend

He said

Is that you start wearing a hat

The Barber’s Secrets

Feeling
the
tension

In
the
air

He
dare not
mention

Your
thinning
hair

(Originally Posted 18.01.2020)

0

Maybe Next Year…

I know it’s only

One year on

But I’m still quite proud

Of this

Yet if I’ve had one thought

It’s that I should’ve sought

A better word

To rhyme with Elvis

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

(Originally Posted 29.12.2021)

9

Obviously

He was right

As it turns out

As it only took me

A minute

To abandon the joy

I’d tried to employ

As I had reached

My limit

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

And push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

(Originally Posted 28.12.2021)

2

Fucking Fluoxetine

I enjoyed my trip

Up to the heavens

Albeit for just

Those thirty seconds

One Night Only

This bed’s not big enough

For the both of us

So I’ll be the one to leave

We should just be glad

For the time we’ve had

And the little bit of reprieve

(Originally Posted 06.12.2020)

0

Saviours Take Many Forms

I cannot imagine

I meant the Jesus

In the title of this piece

As it’s far more likely

To be a Jesús

Who’d make me go weak at the knees

Christ On A Bike

It
truly
is a
wonder

To see
such a
glorious
sight

My
heart
beats
like
thunder

As my
body
sings
with
delight

(Originally Posted 25.11.2019)

2

Old Movies (2)

“Of all the gin joints
In all the world…
She walks into mine”

“I hope he doesn’t think
I came here for him
As I just fancied
A soda and lime”

Old Movies (1)

Come
death
come,
as fast
as you
can

As
frankly
my dear,
I don’t
give
a damn

(Originally Posted 04.11.2019)

6

Birds Of A Feather

It still amazes me

To this day

That you even read my rhymes

Don’t get me wrong, my friend

It pleases me no end

But I do worry about you, at times

Wonderland

It’s nice
to think
I matter

That what
I feel is
shared

But really
I’m as mad
as a hatter

Surely no one
else is this
impaired?

(Originally Posted 25.10.2019)

4

Pot-Valiant

2,995 posts

And one pickled liver later

It’s a good job

That I didn’t stop

Or I’d never have put pen to paper

Drinking

I fear
I’ve had
one too
many
tonight

Perhaps
now isn’t
the time
my story
to write

(Originally Posted 18.10.2019)

9

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…

Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

0

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