Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

22/10/2025 4

Netflix and (Actually) Chill

Please don’t think

That I’m not keen

Being intentionally rude

Or deliberately mean

I’m just not in the mood

To give you head

And I’d rather we watch

This box set instead

19/08/2025 5

Sleight Of Hand

What do we have here?

He said

Hand snaking

Towards his crotch

I really can’t be arsed

She said

So I’ll just sit here

And watch

20/06/2025 0

What Are You Wearing?

The heels

On your shoes

The shirt

On your back

Heaven knows

You deserve

Some flack

21/05/2025 4

Succinct

What is life
He said
Without a little risk?

There’s testing the limit
She said
And then taking the piss

09/05/2025 0

Still Fucking Miserable

It’s about time

You reared

Your ugly head

I was panicked

Fearing

The worst

And yet soon

You’ll be wishing

I was still missing

As there’s no

Let-up

To my verse

13/04/2025 8

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

01/11/2024 27

New Glasses Day

I know

When I

See you again

There’s no way

That you

Won’t comment

But I hope

And pray

You’ll be kind

And say

You admire

My confidence

22/10/2024 4

Finding The Time

Ah, you’re still here

He said

So you’ve not popped

Your clogs yet?

It’s not for a lack of trying

She said

But the chance

Has been murder to get

17/10/2024 2

As If

I find it funny

You think

I’d remember

Even more so

That I’d care

Because

Everything you said

Went over my head

As you were blissfully

Unaware

18/09/2024 0

An Unlikely Proposition

You must have

Thought me stupid

Standing there,

Aghast

It’s just

I’d never thought

Of a ménage

Let alone à trois

30/07/2024 2

Your Game Needs Work

It wasn’t

That I

Am frigid

Or disinterested

In scoring

But your attempts

To flirt

Were insipid

And your chat,

Pretty boring

08/07/2024 15

The Heat Of The Moment

I never said

You weren’t thoughtful

Not conscientious or kind

It’s just that when I said

I wish you were dead

I had other things

On my mind

31/03/2024 3

I Want Actual Tears

Dressed in black

I’ll stand there

Watching,

From afar

Just to see who

Was telling the truth

And who the liars

Really are

09/01/2024 2

The Local Lothario

I couldn’t get a photo

She said

But I promise you, it’s true

She was there legs akimbo

Lips stuck to his like glue

I cannot quite believe it

She said

He just doesn’t seem the type

But now that you have seen it

Does it live up to the hype?

Let me put it this way

She said

From the look upon her face

I think it would be safe to say

He doesn’t get many complaints!

21/12/2023 2

Wood Burning

Stick another log

She said

In the fire

And see if that quells

Your desire

02/12/2023 0

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

27/09/2023 0

“More Espresso – Less Depresso”

Why don’t you come along

They said

We’re going for coffee and cake

To force such joy upon me

She said

Would only be a mistake

23/08/2023 0

Just Another Chore

Let’s make love tonight

He said

Until we reach

The heights of heaven

Just fucking stick it in

She said

I’ve got to be up

At seven

17/07/2023 8

All You Need To Know

I know I’d suggested

Greeting cards

But as I see the humour in this

Perhaps I’d be more suited

To writing less convoluted

Patient information leaflets

The Human Rattle

Take
these
pills

To
cure
your
ills

And
mend
your
broken
heart

They’ll
give
you
chills

And
delay
your
thrills

But at
least
it’ll
be a
start

(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)

18/02/2023 2

Making A Killing

Sometimes I read these and wonder

With all my insults and barbs

If I really have missed my calling

Writing alternative greetings cards

Black Letter Days

Are
you
sure
we’re
done
here

He
said

You’ve
got
nothing
more to
say?

Other
than
shove
those
candles
up your
arse

She
said

Oh, and
happy
birthday!

(Originally Posted 10.02.2021)

10/02/2023 14

Random #280

‘“In my world, I am constantly torn between killing myself or everyone around me.”

– Ragnar

03/02/2023 0

Fooling No One

I really am sorry my friend

He said

But I can’t do much with that

The only thing I could recommend

He said

Is that you start wearing a hat

The Barber’s Secrets

Feeling
the
tension

In
the
air

He
dare not
mention

Your
thinning
hair

(Originally Posted 18.01.2020)

18/01/2023 0

Maybe Next Year…

I know it’s only

One year on

But I’m still quite proud

Of this

Yet if I’ve had one thought

It’s that I should’ve sought

A better word

To rhyme with Elvis

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

(Originally Posted 29.12.2021)

29/12/2022 9

Obviously

He was right

As it turns out

As it only took me

A minute

To abandon the joy

I’d tried to employ

As I had reached

My limit

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

And push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

(Originally Posted 28.12.2021)

28/12/2022 2

Fucking Fluoxetine

I enjoyed my trip

Up to the heavens

Albeit for just

Those thirty seconds

One Night Only

This bed’s not big enough

For the both of us

So I’ll be the one to leave

We should just be glad

For the time we’ve had

And the little bit of reprieve

(Originally Posted 06.12.2020)

06/12/2022 0

Saviours Take Many Forms

I cannot imagine

I meant the Jesus

In the title of this piece

As it’s far more likely

To be a Jesús

Who’d make me go weak at the knees

Christ On A Bike

It
truly
is a
wonder

To see
such a
glorious
sight

My
heart
beats
like
thunder

As my
body
sings
with
delight

(Originally Posted 25.11.2019)

25/11/2022 2

Old Movies (2)

“Of all the gin joints
In all the world…
She walks into mine”

“I hope he doesn’t think
I came here for him
As I just fancied
A soda and lime”

Old Movies (1)

Come
death
come,
as fast
as you
can

As
frankly
my dear,
I don’t
give
a damn

(Originally Posted 04.11.2019)

04/11/2022 6

Birds Of A Feather

It still amazes me

To this day

That you even read my rhymes

Don’t get me wrong, my friend

It pleases me no end

But I do worry about you, at times

Wonderland

It’s nice
to think
I matter

That what
I feel is
shared

But really
I’m as mad
as a hatter

Surely no one
else is this
impaired?

(Originally Posted 25.10.2019)

25/10/2022 4

Pot-Valiant

2,995 posts

And one pickled liver later

It’s a good job

That I didn’t stop

Or I’d never have put pen to paper

Drinking

I fear
I’ve had
one too
many
tonight

Perhaps
now isn’t
the time
my story
to write

(Originally Posted 18.10.2019)

18/10/2022 9

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…

Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

10/10/2022 0

Twisted

I actually quite like this one

It makes me laugh each time I read it

Though I do wonder, sometimes,

If there’s enough in my rhymes

For other people to see it

Romeo & Juliet (Alternative Version)

When
you think
about it,
he said,
true love
never dies.

Oh great
she said,
here we go,
another
hapless
fuckwit
to despise.

(Originally Posted 02.10.2019)

02/10/2022 10

Being Toyed With

As I have never

Loved again

From that day

To this

I cannot help

But wonder

If someone up there

Is taking the piss

I Can’t Tell You

I can’t
tell
you
how
much
better
I feel

To
know my
feelings
I need
no
longer
conceal

I
can’t
tell you
how much
more open
I am
now

To the
possibility
of loving
someone
again,
someday,
somehow

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

11/09/2022 2

Bien Sûr

Well you certainly seem happier

He said

This is the busiest I think you’ve been

I’ve always done my best work

She said

When fuelled by carbs and caffeine

Auberge de Lanouaille

You
should
use
this
time
to
think

He
said

About
what
it is
you
want

Only
if you
bring
me
coffee

She
said

And
a hot
buttered
croissant

(Originally Posted 05.09.2020)

05/09/2022 2

Here, Rub This

It seems her wish

Wasn’t his command

Nor was ensuring

Her needs were met

This became

Pretty obvious

When they went back

To bed

Three Wishes

She stops
and sighs
as he
implores
her to stay

But I don’t
think you can
help me,
she says,
turning away

He looks
and smiles
as he
reaches for
her hand

Just trust
me, he says,
your
wish is my
command

(Originally Posted 01.09.2019)

01/09/2022 2

Hamlet Is My Favorite, Obviously

Check me out

Getting all high brow

Quoting Shakespeare, no less

To help describe how

Hard it can be

When fighting off sadness

Even if there is method

In it’s madness

Shaking Spears

‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘

‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we fucking deserve medallions’

(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)

27/08/2022 2

Mixed Results

There are those cut out

For DIY

And those who simply are not

You were always one

Who may have had fun

But were never as good as you thought

Xxx

Precipice

Grab
onto
this

He
said

It’ll
be
okay

It’s
one
I made
myself

I’m
not so
sure

She
said

That
it’ll
be
safe

I’ve
seen
you
put
up a
shelf

(Originally Posted 18.08.2020)

18/08/2022 8

It Was Only A 10p Mix Up

Based on a true story this

From when I was about six or seven

I stole some sweets

So the owner called the police

In order to teach me a lesson

I have always felt

He was a little harsh

And his reaction was over the top

But I guess I learned then

Never to steal again

Well, at least not from his shop

Cops & Robbers

Caught with
my hands
in the
sweetie jar

I retreat,
shamefaced,
when I
hear a
police car…

Who the
fuck has
called
the cops?

I only
stole
a few
pear
drops…

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

11/08/2022 20

A Diamond In The Rough

Perhaps I do have a sense of humour.

Sometimes.

Out of Shape

In a world full of cubes,

I’m a dodecahedron.

Overly complicated.

(Originally Posted 07.08.2019)

07/08/2022 7

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!

The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

31/07/2022 2

Est. 1980

When you won’t decide

One way or the other

Known colloquially

As a ‘contrary little fucker’

That’s me

Indifference

Sometimes I do
Sometimes I don’t

Sometimes I will
Sometimes I won’t

Either deal with it
Or don’t

I’m not fussed either way

(Originally Posted 22.06.2019)

22/06/2022 0

Too Much Of A Good Thing

I should have gone with him that day

Instead of just staying in

As all I have to show

Now for saying no

Is one hell of a double chin

Better Plans

Shall we go out today

He said

Have a blast and give it our all

I’m afraid I already have a date

She said

With pizza, beer and football

(Originally Posted 14.06.2021)

14/06/2022 2

Told You

I bumped into her

The other day

And it seems my prediction

Was right

As from what she said

He was so shit in bed

They didn’t even last

The night

Love’s Young Dream

Dance, you fools, dance

Dance far away from me

For I’ve seen all of the romance

That I need to see

I know only too well

How all this bullshit ends

Give it a year,

Maybe two,

And you won’t even be friends

(Originally Posted 08.06.2020)

08/06/2022 2

Random #206

“I’m fine. I’m just being dramatic. It’s what I do.”

– Lorelai Gilmore

03/06/2022 2

Random #204

‘Cause everyone is horrid
Except me and possibly you…’

27/05/2022 0

Harder Than It Looks

My only haiku

A skill I do not possess

Best not try again

Searching For A Haiku

Out walking alone

Serotonin in winter

Remains elusive

(Originally Posted 17.05.2021)

17/05/2022 26

Random #200

‘People disappoint.

Pizza is eternal.’

– Unknown

‘I’ll Be There For You…’

They
claim
that you’re
not on
your
own

But
it
certainly
feels
like
it

Over
time
they
will all
fade
away

While
you’re
still
wading
through
shit

(Originally Posted 15.05.2020)

15/05/2022 6

God, I’m Good

Nearly two and a half

Thousand posts

And yet I can still

Surprise myself

Perhaps poetry

Is my future, actually,

So I shouldn’t just leave it

On the shelf

Circling

Like
vultures

Eyeing up
the bones

Of those who
went before us

Now rotting
on the stones

(Originally Posted 14.05.2020)

14/05/2022 20

Tongue In Cheek

This actually sounds quite spicy

When I read it back

It looks like I meant

A ménage à trois

But I assure you

It wasn’t that

When I wrote

About ‘us two’

I was trying to state a fact

There wasn’t another person

Pining

It was just me and the cat

‘Sleepy Time’

Lying here

Just us two

Isn’t the same

Without you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 13.05.2020)

13/05/2022 32

Reading Out Loud

Although there is

A lot to be said

For these stream of consciousness pieces

There is a case to be made

For punctuation

As the ability to breathe decreases

Haste Ye Back

Something tells me this won’t be our last as you realise you want me and return so fast to where my arms do so openly await as we slowly allow that twist of fate to keep us ensconced together forever come hell or high water whatever the weather as the love we make is all we need for our hearts to open and minds to be freed

(Originally Posted 19.04.2020)

19/04/2022 12