"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
There’s a chance this one might work
He said
Proffering her a wand
She near broke his hand
As she snatched it and ran
Before he could even respond
The Magic Shop
What
brings
you
here
He
said
What
can
I do
for
you?
I
just
need
a spell
She
said
To
make
it not
be
true
(Originally Posted 29.07.2020)
I’m not sure if I’m a masochist
Or just fittingly sentimental
But ever since that day
I haven’t put it away
Which surely can’t be coincidental
The Back of the Wardrobe
I foolishly
made a
mistake
today
I opened
the box
I’d hidden
away
Where the
memories of
our lives
are kept
Along with
all the
tears I’ve
wept
(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)
Things were so hard
For me back then
Every day
My outlook was bleak
And though the worst has passed
I still feel downcast
For at least
One day each week
Not Today
No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.
Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.
(Originally Posted 24.07.2019)
Misery loves company
Isn’t that what they say?
Well you and I know
We feel that with gusto
So neither of us
Will be walking way
Bonding
Admit it.
You hate this as much as I do.
It’s what keeps us together.
(Originally Posted 20.07.2019)
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Lines
From a different story
But the heartache and pain
Mine they’ll always remain
So for those, I will take the glory
Poems From Another Time
It’s like reading
Someone else’s words
Listening
To someone else’s story
But the heartache
And the pain
That’s still all mine
(Originally Posted 18.07.2021)
They tell you that
It’s time that heals
But time moves
So fucking slowly
In fact all time does do
Is exacerbate the issue
When you’re this heartbroken
And lonely
When Will It End?
Biting my nails
until they bleed,
doesn’t give me
the relief I need.
Scratching my skin
until it’s breaking,
doesn’t stop my
heart from aching.
When will it end,
this pain I’m feeling?
When does it stop,
when do I start healing?
(Originally Posted 17.07.2019)
Now the worst has happened
And the handover is complete
There is nothing I can say or do
To help him back to his feet
Handover
You’ll
never
cope
She
said
When
this
happens
to you
I
know
He
said
I’m
dreading
it too
(Originally Posted 16.07.2020)
I’m sure you didn’t mean it
That way
That you were just trying
To help me through
But wheeling out those lines
As I lost my mind
Did nothing
But make me hate you
Know-It-All
What
doesn’t
kill me
might
make
me
stronger
But
it
also
makes
me
sick
So
you
can
shove
your
aphorisms
Up
your
arse
You
condescending
prick
(Originally Posted 13.07.2020)
Sounds like I was sick of platitudes
Back when I wrote this one
Had enough of condescending attitudes
When all was said and done
Yet as I think about it now
I’d love to hear them again
But sympathy disappears
When it falls on deaf ears
And eventually you run out of friends
No Consolation
There’s
no
point
in
crying
Over
spilt
milk
God
loves
you
for
trying
Blah
blah
blah
(Originally Posted 10.07.2020)
Let’s go have some fun
He said
Eat, drink and be merry
That’s nowhere near enough
She said
To persuade me to bite the cherry
One Week On
What
exactly
am I
missing
out on?
Go on
then
please,
explain
It’s
your last
chance to
convince me
To
leave
the
house
again
(Originally Posted 08.07.2020)
Charlatans and con artists
Preying on the weak
Making a pretty penny
Through their lies and false mystique
It’s not that I don’t ‘get it’
Or couldn’t possibly understand
It’s that their ‘gift’
Is a fucking grift
And, quite frankly, should be banned
Sceptical
You can tell me all you want
That you can hear him
But I’ll never believe it’s true
For if he was talking to anyone
From the ‘other side’
Then it would be me, not you
Xxx
(Originally Posted 02.07.2021)
There was a period of time
After he died
When I returned to my old ways
Auditioning random men
As a replacement
All in a drunken haze
Thankfully
It didn’t last
And it proved to be just a phase
As I realised
Pretty quickly
It didn’t help with my malaise
On A Promise
What happens when the music stops
She said
Do we have to go home?
Wherever you end up going
He said
You won’t be going alone
(Originally Posted 01.07.2021)
Pretending I was fine
On that trip
Was just something
I needed to do
So I wiped my eyes
And stifled my cries
In the tent
Next door to you
Camping
The warmth of the sun on your face,
The anticipation of a road trip with friends,
The promise of tall tales around the campfire.
It’s the little things that bring the most joy.
(Originally Posted 28.06.2019)
It has gotten easier
To get out of bed
But life without him
Has not
For there is little relief
From the pain of grief
And that is now my lot
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)
If only I could make it better
But there is no way that I can
For you have lost her forever
Just the same as I lost my man
Real Talk
It
hurts
my
heart
To
hear
you
cry
And
watch
you
break
Like
this
As
your
life
Falls
apart
And
you
stare
Into
the
abyss
(Originally Posted 25.06.2020)
Have you thought about moving on
He said
Of starting a life with someone else
It hasn’t even crossed my mind
She said
As I’m more than happy on the shelf
It’s Not The Same Thing
Just think about
What I lost
On the day he died
Then ask yourself
If you were me
When would your tears subside?
(Originally Posted 25.06.2021)
I think that when
I wrote this one
I was trying
Not to be too mean
But believe you me
Nothing was easy
Back
In twenty nineteen
How Are You?
It’s easier to say I’m alright,
Rather then I’m anxious.
It’s easier to say I’m okay,
Rather than I’m outraged.
It’s easier to say I’m better,
Rather than I’m broken.
It’s easier to say I’m good,
Rather than I’m grieving.
It’s easier to say I’m well,
Rather than I’m wasted.
It’s easier to say I’m fine,
Rather than I’m fucked.
(Originally Posted 24.06.2019)
I remember feeling like this
Every day back then
When it would take everything I had
To get up and do it again
Although now I find it easier
With most mornings not as hard
I’d be lying if I didn’t say
Sometimes I’m still caught off guard
5am
Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,
Waking up is never easy.
(Originally Posted 13.06.2019)
‘If this world is wearing thin
And you’re thinking of escape
I’ll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don’t think I’ll understand…’
‘Why are you so sarcastic all the time?’
‘Cause it stops me killing people – including myself’
– Tony
I thought about you today.
Twice.
The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.
The second, when I tried to write a response.
It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.
And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
The Corner of My Eye
I thought I saw you today.
Twice.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)
If only it was
An abyss we shared
Rather than you long gone
And me ill-prepared
Captives
Was it you
Or was it me
Who soldiered on
Too blind to see
It was always destined
To end like this
With both of us falling
Into the abyss
(Originally Posted 10.06.2021)
You were all I had
When he died
And I didn’t know how to cope
I was driven mad
Each time I cried
And you were my only hope
‘The Boy’s No Good… ‘
As
I sit
and
listen
To each
word you
say
All
of my
pain
Simply
ebbs
away
(Originally Posted 06.06.2020)
I travelled a lot that spring
Most of it in a daze
Birthdays, weddings and weekends away
All came and went in a haze
Yet I found consequently
Whatever good time I was shown
I would feel subsequently
That I was very much alone
1000 Miles
The message from the search engine pings.
Its spies inform me that last month I visited:
Three different countries,
Fifteen different cities,
And twenty one different places.
That means I travelled over 1000 miles, last month.
Each one without you.
And every one with an empty heart.
(Originally Posted 03.06.2019)
Crying in the chapel
Many years ago
Missing you intently
And wishing it wasn’t so
Granite
I wish
you were
with me
Gently
squeezing
my hand
Providing
me with
comfort
Helping me
understand
(Originally Posted 28.05.2020)
I can tell
That there are posts
I’ve written to please
An audience
But there are a few
That make me freeze
As the pain I was in
Is obvious
It’s The Small Things That Hurt The Most
How long does it take
To reach for one mug
Or only set out one plate
To programme the heating
To click on at six
Instead of doing it myself at eight
To only buy
One pint of milk
Or get one lottery ticket
To stop saying hello
As I enter the house
Because you
Are no longer in it
(Originally Posted 14.05.2020)
There’s nothing much
To add to this
Little else
That I can write
As the grief I felt
When you left
Will remain with me
For life
Xxx
A Thousand Years
Honestly,
I could wait
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
be too tough.
Honestly,
I could sleep
for a
thousand years
and it
would never
be enough.
Honestly,
I could cry
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
hurt too much.
(Originally Posted 11.5.2019)
It’ll be you next
When the music stops
So I’ll look away
As your heart drops
An Unwanted Gift
You’ll always carry it with you,
the pain.
You can try to wrap it differently.
Use an alternative box,
choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
if you like.
But you’ll still carry it with you,
the pain.
Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.
(Originally Posted 28.04.2019)
OK, perhaps not quite meaningless
But certainly everything changed
And though life now may be
Somewhat better for me
That numbness has definitely remained
All Surface, No Meaning
When you died,
My world stopped turning.
When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.
As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.
I trudge along…
Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
It hurts almost as much
To see how sad I was
As it does
To remember you
Reminders
It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.
The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.
When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.
My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.
My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.
And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
Still here
Still pretending
Still living
With grief unending
Sick & Tired
And
so
begins
another
day
Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok
If
only
there
was
another
way
As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
It’s not just coping
With the grief
For your beloved one
Who dies
It is also dealing
With the loss
Of everyone else
You leave behind
True Colours
What
else
did
you
lose
She
asked
On
the
day
he
died?
All
the
love
and
respect
I
once
had
for
you
She
bitterly
replied
(Originally Posted 31.03.2020)
Back in the day
The only way
Was to express my grief
In paragraphs
I avoided talking
Like the plague
And couldn’t look
At photographs
I knew that it
Was wrong of me
But in my sadness
I was frozen
There was no option
For me back then
No other path
I could have chosen
But now I find
Day in day out
I can move
A little bit more
I am becoming unstuck,
It seems
Of that much
I am sure
I can only hope
As time goes on
Things continue
In this vain
And I’m never physically,
Mentally or emotionally
So immovable
Again
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to lift your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wind with a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
(Originally Posted 26.03.2019)
I still stand by this.
Completely.
Lies
There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.
And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
I’m glad that we
Both walked away
Before things went too far
Now I can see
It wasn’t the way
To mend our broken hearts
Immoral
This
can’t
go on
We
mustn’t
continue
As the
guilt is
seeping
Into
every
sinew
It
has to
stop
It
shouldn’t
have
started
As
we’re
making a
mockery
Of our
dearly
departed
(Originally Posted 19.03.2020)
It took me a while to accept it
But now I know that it’s true
So all I have are these memories
From those days of me and you
Xxx
Still Hear
I still hear
Your key rattle in the door
I still hear
Your footsteps across the floor
I still hear
Your rubbish music playing
I still hear
Your awesome temper fraying
I still hear
You impart your innate wisdom
I still hear
You berate with fierce criticism
I still hear
You sing your daft wee songs
I still hear
The bubble of your endless bongs
I still hear
You chew too loudly when you eat
I still hear
The thump of your heart beat
I still hear
Your laugh and your wry chuckle
I still hear
Your beloved belt unbuckle
I still hear
Your enticing voice roar
I still hear
Your thunderous snore
I still hear
Your exasperated sigh
I still hear
Your exhausted cry
Oh, how I wish you were
Still Here
(Originally Posted 19.03.2019)
God, I remember that night so well
Along with the guilt that ensued
It took quite a while
To realise my smile
Didn’t leave his memory devalued
Open Ending
It was nice talking to you last night.
I forgot, for a moment, that my heart is broken.
It felt good to laugh, to smile, to dance.
It’s been a while since I did those things.
I’m happy we randomly met, but I’m also glad you left when you did.
Now I have the memory of our open ending, to help mend my grieving heart.
(Originally Posted 17.03.2019)
It still fucking hurts
Lies
It gets better with time
(Originally Posted 17.03.2020)
I wasn’t really
Truthful here
There were others
Who also cried
But no one else
Ever came close
To feeling what I did
When he died
The Only One
You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry.
You said I was the only one who made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one who you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one who mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.
Then you left.
And I was the only one who cried.
(Originally Posted 12.03.2019)
I remember this
Only too well
Wandering around
In a daze
Living life
On autopilot
Trying to navigate
The maze
That conflict inside me
Never stopped
I still feel it
To this day
It’s just easier now
To do what I can
And to push the cannot
Away
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
(Originally Posted 10.3.2019)
I don’t remember who wrote this
But I can see that she was sad
Understandable, to be fair,
As she’d lost everything she had
2am
I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt
I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng
I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only
I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail
I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
(Originally posted 04.03.2019)
Just a month or so ago
Sitting here alone
I took a notion to Google
That place we once called home
And there in the depths of YouTube
I found a stylish video tour
Filmed by an estate agent, apparently
As part of their brochure
I sobbed as I watched the camera
Pan from room to room
All of those happy memories
Now bathed in brokenhearted gloom
And yet I am so thankful
That such a thing does exist
As a peice of our history digitised
Is such a wonderful gift
G42
Was it really
The best of times?
Or was it just
The worst?
I’ve got nae idea, pal
Ma heid’s fuckin’ burst
(Originally Posted 03.02.2020)
There is nothing
Left to do
There isn’t anything
Else to say
I just really
Fucking miss him
Every single day
Xxx
Four years ago
You left my side
And I still feel fucking sick
Even though I know
Death is inevitable
I still blame you, you prick
Xxx
You came through
Like a bolt from the blue
When I never even knew
How much I needed you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hope those chocolates
Fucking choke you
Twenty two years
Just me and you
Sitting on the sofa
With wine and food
But it’s not to be
As you’re three years gone
So any romance today
Just feels wrong
Xxx
‘And if you’re in love
Then you are the lucky one
‘Cause most of us are bitter
Over someone
Setting fire to our insides for fun
To distract our hearts
From ever missing them
But I’m forever missing him
And you caused it…’
Don’t bother asking me
As I will only say no
I’m only drinking
To stop me thinking
So I’ll just buy my own
There is no substitution
For what we had
Looking for it again
Will only drive me mad
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
‘I’ve fallen down another rung of the ladder, and I know I’ve got a fight on my hands‘
– Sean Hughes
“I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery – air, mountains, trees, people. I thought: “This is what it is to be happy.”
― Sylvia Plath
I really did love you, you know
I wish I’d told you so before
And now you’re gone
Nothing can be done
But to regret it
Forevermore
Xxx
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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