Tag: grief

Random #144

‘I get along without you very well,
Of course I do.
Except perhaps in spring.
But I should never think of spring,
For that would surely break my heart in two’

7

Random #143

‘The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.

I broke something, Old Man.

How badly is it broken?

It’s in a million little pieces.

I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Why?

There’s nothing you can do.

Why?

It can’t be fixed.

Why?

It’s broken beyond repair. It’s in a million little pieces.’

– James Frey

0

Six Years Ago

Walk down the aisle with me?

She said

The bakery aisle, that is

I thought you were being serious

He said

And my heart just skipped a beat

Xxx

16

The Death Of Me

Nearly twenty years together

And what do I have to show

Just a blackened heart

Now we’re three years apart

And sadness the status quo

Xxx

9

Not A Material Girl

I wouldn’t thank you

For diamonds

And I don’t care

About pearls

I couldn’t give

Less of a shit

For all the stars

In the world

I just want you

Back here with me

If only

For a minute

For my life

Has lost it’s sparkle

Without you

Still in it

Xxx

7

Protective

How can I stop you feeling so sad

He said

Please,

Just tell me and I’ll do it

I don’t know where to start

She said

And if I did,

I wouldn’t put you through it

12

Queen Of The Damned

I guess I should be better now

Is that what you’re trying to say

I should be all sweetness and light

Having locked the darkness away

Well I’m sorry to disappoint you

But that’s not how this shit works

Time doesn’t heal all wounds

In fact it makes it worse

See whilst the world moves itself on

I fall further and further behind

For the pain of his loss is lifelong

And to that I am resigned

Xxx

9

Well Meaning

I was thinking

Earlier on today

How it really

Would be nice

To go at least

One day

Without

Your bullshit advice

22

Triggered

They’re always there

Behind my eyes

Just waiting

For their time to pour

Anything and everything

Can set them free

With no reason why

Or even wherefore

32

#16 The Friend

Today is going to be hard,

I know,

But that is why I’m here.

To eat, drink and smoke

With you

And wipe away your tears.

Xxx

17

#3 The Victim

If only you’d seen

What these eyes have seen

Perhaps then

You could understand

If it was you crying

As he lay dying

You’d know why I made

That demand

13

L’appel du Vide

I knew from the beginning

He said

Within you there was a spark

Writing is now a passion

She said

With misery my trademark

31

Putting The Washing Away

You’re OK

You know

Most days

You just get on

With things

Then suddenly

Out of nowhere

It hits you

At the foot

Of the stairs

And you weep

As you realise

Most days

Will never

Be the same

Again

22

964 Nights

I haven’t slept

On that side

Even after

All this time

It will forever

Lie empty

As it’s yours

Not mine

Xxx

29

Slipping Back

They say after a while

It stops hurting

Yet thirty one months later

I’m still in pain

If anything it feels

Like I’m reverting

Back to those dark old days

Again

22

Ill-Prepared

I didn’t know it would hurt like this

He said

Or what I’d have to go through

There is no way of knowing

She said

Until it happens to you

25

The Claret Box

I know what this date means

Even if very few other people do

That’s why I’ll find a way

At some point today

To sit and remember you

Xxx

23

An Unnatural Order

You were always going to die

Before me

We were resigned to that fate

But it shouldn’t have been

When you were forty five

And I was thirty eight 

Xxx

15

I Won’t Forget

I still cry for him at night

You know

There’ll never be a time

I won’t

Just because you’re not here

To wipe away

My tears

Doesn’t mean

I don’t

15

Funeral Arrangements

I took care of everything

But no one took care of me

Did it even occur to you

All that I had been through

And what was then my reality

6

Forever Faltering

It’s all too easy

To slip into

This ‘everything is ok’ soundtrack

But you and I both know

It’s all just pretend

Because you’re never coming back

Xxx

17

For L.

I miss you today

More than ever

Sitting outside in

This stunning weather

If only we could meet again

Even after all this time

As we’d still have

Such a fucking laugh

And drain a bottle (or two) of wine

16

April The 1st

I woke up alone again today

Going over the words we spoke

Another day without you here

Really is a fucking joke

Xxx

7

Cut To Pieces

You were the light

To my shade

The sunshine

To my rain

That is why

I can’t forgive you

For causing me

All this pain

14

Grief Counselling

Why did you come here

He said

What exactly did you expect

Well they told me if I did

She said

That I’d feel less bereft

12

If Mirrors Could Talk

Tell yourself you’re moving on

And they might just start

To believe it

But you and I know

This is all just for show

As you’re still drowning

In shit

7

Sliding Doors

There will be someone out there

He said

That will be the one for you

What if he’s already gone

She said

I don’t believe there can be two

4

Fate

I wish I’d never met you.

Life would be easier then.

If I’d never met you

I wouldn’t have to forget you.

And I would be happier then.

(Originally Posted 09.03.2019)

3

Bottled Memories

I’m glad
I kept
your aftershave,
so that I
can wear
it too.

It’s the
only thing
that I
have left,
that keeps
me close
to you.

(Originally Posted 14.06.2019)

18

Sometimes

Sometimes it's easy to think about you.
Our memories overwhelm me,
I feel the touch of your hand in mine,
and my eyes sparkle with joyous delight.

Sometimes I can't think about you at all.
My brain shuts off the pathway to the pain, 
My lungs stop taking in air,
and my heart, momentarily, stops beating.

Sometimes it's easy to talk about you.
Words fall from my mouth, 
stories flow like vintage wine, 
and my smile is as wide as the horizon.

Sometimes I can't talk about you at all.
Sentences fail to form in my head, 
my voice dries up like a parched riverbed, 
and my mouth is clamped like a vice.

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)
15

Murderer

My heart is empty now;
it can never be filled.

My life is over now;
my spirit you have killed.

(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)

28

Ice

I suppose I should be happy the sun is shining again,

Feel a spring in my step at the lighter evenings,

Be comforted by the warmth on the back of my neck.

But I couldn’t give a shit.

It means nothing.

None of it melts the ice in my heart.

(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)

4

The Reality

Life goes on,
now I’m alone,
as tears wash
over me
like rain.

Time moves on,
as I come undone,
with fear that
I’ll never
love again.

(Originally Posted 10.07.2019)

14

‘It’s still early days…’

I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.

Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.

I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.

Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.

With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.

When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.

He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.

As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.

My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.

I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.

I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.

I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.

I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.

The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.

I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…

(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)

17

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