Bloodied, bruised, bowed
but not broken.
Who am I kidding?
I'm fucked.
Falling
I am falling.
Tumbling through the air,
Spinning over and over,
Hurtling towards the ground.
Some fucker has stolen my parachute.
Don’t think I’m surviving this one, eh?
The Way I Really Feel
I may say I am okay.
I may say it to you and I definitely say it to myself.
But it's a lie.
I am really not okay.
At all.
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
Random #10
‘Forgive me … I have lost too much’
Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days
It is unbelievable to think that trip
was three hundred and sixty five days ago.
Just one anonymous face in a sea of many.
My twenty three year old dream realised.
Outstanding.
There was no way to know then where I would be now.
Here, three hundred and sixty five days on, alone.
I would trade every second of that trip,
to have just one more minute,
with you.
xxx
Random #7
The thing is
It was just so much easier
When I didn't care
Random #6
'Can I get you anything?'
'A reason for living would be nice.'
Random #5
I know you’re there…
‘My Dear’
You, my dear, are a cunt.
I'll maybe never have the courage to tell you to your face.
But that doesn't make it any less true.
I will never forget what you have done to me.
I will certainly never forgive you.
Your words - like daggers.
Your tears - like acid.
Your heart - like stone.
They mean nothing to me.
You mean nothing to me.
For you, my dear, are a cunt.
Fact.
First Day Back
Dishwashers rattle
Kettles bubble
Doors bang
Toilets drip
Heaters blast
Floorboards creak
Keys jangle
Voices whisper
Switches flick
Mouths yawn
Arms stretch
Feet shuffle
Computers hum
Mouse wheels tick
Photocopiers whirr
Printers churn
Keyboards click
Phones trill
Mobiles buzz
Pens scratch
Papers rustle
My Heart Breaks
The First
It's deeply distressing when you realise those close to you
don't know you at all.
I mean I understand.
I put up walls.
Thick granite walls.
Very few people have the strength to break them down.
I'll never trust anyone ever again.
I'll never trust myself ever again.
Delete.
She
She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles
She wonders if you are the one
The one who she can allow those feelings for again
She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles
She knows
It's pointless
‘Natural Entities’
The rain lashes down remorselessly.
Pelting, splashing, bouncing upwards towards the sky.
The thunder rumbles angrily.
Crashing, reverberating, making its presence felt.
The lightning cracks fearfully,
Illuminating the sky in a cinematic silhouette.
I look out of the window and all is calm.
I realise this tempest exists only in my heart.
A Poem from Myself to Myself
Sitting here alone
Silence all around
Can't wait to go to sleep again
Where solace can be found
Gazing up at the pale blue sky
Watching the world go round
Wondering what is kept up there
And why I'm stuck on the ground
Ambivalence haunts all of my dreams
A victim of this I have found
Can't have been waiting in the queue
When the valium was handed around
Lying still in the dead of night
Quaking at every sound
Fate twisting it's evil knife
My emotions forced into the ground
It hurts to see myself like this
My thoughts all tied and bound
But when I can no longer laugh
That's when my life shall end
The Queen is Dead, boys
She is no longer crowned
‘Of Course…’
There was, of course, a time
when I wouldn't let this happen.
There was, of course, a time
when I'd have pulled myself out of this
mess and just got on with it.
But not now.
Now I feel different.
I've lost the need, the sense of urgency.
I'm not even worried if it doesn't come back.
I've given up hoping it will any more.
Although I know I can't carry on like this.
And honestly, I don't want to.
To get out of this shithole I've got to work.
And there is, of course, only so much daytime TV
you can watch.
Lost
Lost.
Can't get out,
Can't see,
Can't feel.
Lost.
Don't want to be here,
What's my problem?
Take me away.
Lost.
Give me a break,
Can't reach out,
Caught kissing with my mouth full.
Lost.
Fell for you,
My words are slurred,
Why am I so helpless?
Lost.
Where did all the time go?
Who am I?
I feel ill.
After watching ‘Rebel’
Why did you leave me here?
Here alone to fend for myself?
Why couldn't you have stayed to comfort me through the years we both had left on this planet?
You were the only one who ever understood me.
You were the only one I could ever understand.
I loved you, I still love you,
but I can't ever forgive you for leaving me.
Discarding me like an expired bus pass.
That's all I was to you.
A ticket you used to transport you to your next destination.
We could have been so good together Jimmy, but you walked out on me.
And I'll never forgive you for that.
'Mum, Dad, a boy was killed tonight'.
THEM
You attempt to tell them, but they won't listen.
You try to explain, but they can't understand.
You try to express yourself, but they dismiss you as mad.
You shout and you scream and you feel like crying,
But still they don't listen.
Every word you say is laughed at or brushed aside.
They can't understand you.
They've never been there.
Sometimes, just sometimes, you throw something at them
with the intent to prod or provoke.
And it does.
But only for a second.
Then they revert back to their normal selves,
and walk away.
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 