The Daily Struggle

I went back to bed

Three times today

To try to dream

This pain away

But it didn’t work

And now I’m awake

Do I have any choice

But my life to take?

The Note

It was the lonliness

That got to me

If I’m honest

In the end

Sitting here

Just quietly

But all alone

Again

Desperately trying

Yet failing

My broken heart

To mend

All the while

Convinced

The rope

Was my friend

‘Lonely This Christmas’

I remember when we stayed in bed all day

And just ate crisps and cheese

I remember when I surprised you with gifts

And you couldn’t have been more pleased

I remember when you chatted with my Gran

And you were welcomed by my crazy clan

I remember receiving your last present

Sent to me all the way from heaven

I miss you so much today

That you’re not here is a shame

As Christmas Day without you

Will never be the same

Xxx

I’d Only Stand in the Kitchen Anyway…

For the third night in a row there are people having a party, somewhere, along my street.

I can hear them talking and laughing in their garden.

I can smell their cigarette smoke through my open window.

I can hear the rattle of beer bottles as they are thrown into the recycle bin.

Music blares away until the early hours.

I’m so jealous sitting here, miserable and alone, night after night.

I mean, I can be fun too you know.

Well, kind of.

Sham(e)

I got
bored of
this shit
a long
time ago

These
endless
tales of
sadness
and woe

With eyes
that burn
from the
tears that
flow

I loathe
myself
more than
you’ll
ever know

Power

I’ve walked
along
this road
before

Feeling
lonely
and
insecure

At least
this time
I know
for sure

You
cannot
hurt me
anymore

How Much

It’s unmanageable, how much I grieve for you.

It’s uncomfortable, how much I can’t move on.

It’s unsettling, how much I hate you for leaving me.

It’s undignified, how much I cry for you.

It’s unbearable, how much I still love you.

He Said / She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?

 

Still Hear

I still hear your key rattle in the door,
I still hear your footsteps across the floor.
I still hear your rubbish music playing,
I still hear your awesome temper fraying.
I still hear you impart your innate wisdom,
I still hear you berate with fierce criticism.
I still hear you sing your daft wee songs,
I still hear the bubble of your endless bongs.
I still hear you chew too loudly when you eat,
I still hear the thump of your heart beat.
I still hear your laugh and your wry chuckle,
I still hear your beloved belt unbuckle.
I still hear your enticing voice roar,
I still hear your thunderous snore.
I still hear your exasperated sigh,
I still hear your exhausted cry.

I Wish You Were,
Still Here.

Hope

Your words help guide my wayward step
and shine light in to my darkened heart

Your smile breaks my fall to the kitchen floor
and stems the tears in my haunted eyes

Your touch quietens the incessant voice in my head
and replenishes my embittered soul

You allow me to believe that love might be possible again

One day

Hard/Harder

Falling asleep is hard 
Waking up is harder

Getting showered is hard
Putting on clothes is harder

Making breakfast is hard
Eating it is harder

Leaving the house is hard
Going home is harder

Crossing the road is hard
Looking both ways is harder

Listening to people is hard
Talking to people is harder

Smiling in general is hard
Laughing at jokes is harder

Living with you was hard
Living without you is harder

Waiting

It’s like you’ve been round at your pals house for the evening, and you’re going to call me in a minute to tell me you’re on the bus home…

But you never call…

Falling

I am falling.

Tumbling through the air,

Spinning over and over,

Hurtling towards the ground.

Some fucker has stolen my parachute.

Don’t think I’m surviving this one, eh?

The Bridge

Today, I choose not to jump.

Tomorrow, who knows.

I am already standing too close to the edge…

 

Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days

It is unbelievable to think that trip 
was three hundred and sixty five days ago.

Just one anonymous face in a sea of many.
My twenty three year old dream realised.

Outstanding.

There was no way to know then where I would be now.
Here, three hundred and sixty five days on, alone.

I would trade every second of that trip,
to have just one more minute,
with you.

xxx

 

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