‘Love is a losing game
One I wished I never played
Oh what a mess we made…’
Random #251
“and we didn’t love each other
but we helped each other forget
that life is shit”
– Sean Hughes
I Don’t Even Like Casserole
I remember there was
A lot of this back then
People calling, fawning,
And trying to be my friend
Now I think about it, perhaps,
They just didn’t know what to say
But at the time I recall how much I wished
They’d just stayed the fuck away
Fake Flowers
Your fake
concern
disgusts me
Your false
condolences
knock me sick
If you
really want
to comfort me
Just piss off
and leave me
alone,
Prick
(Originally Posted 07.10.2019)
Constant Reminders
I’ve actually done
Pretty well to be fair
Staying on here
With all this pain to bear
I guess I have found ways
To make it my own
But this place will never not be
Our forever home
Haunted
Death
peers in
through
the gloom
As I
lie here
alone in
this room
Upon
this bed
we once
shared
Crying for
the love
we once
declared
(Originally Posted 06.10.2019)
A Real Shitty Year
I probably did write this
On a Tuesday
Fuelled by coffee
And nicotine
But in truth
This could’ve been posted
On any given day
Back in twenty nineteen
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of any improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more emotion can I conceal
Before I decide to end it all for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
Redo
There is no going back
There are no more simpler times
Now I just have to accept
That you’ll never again be mine
Undo
Can we go back
To a simpler time
When I was yours
And you were mine?
(Originally Posted 27.09.2020)
Telling The Truth
Three years on
And although further forward
By the pain of his death
I am still tortured
At A Bedside, Desolate
There
is no
more
hope.
There
are no
more
dreams.
My life
continues
to fall apart
at the seams,
As I
lie here
thinking
of you.
And
wondering
what the fuck
I’m supposed
to do,
Now.
(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)
One At A Time
To be fair
I have gotten better
I can look at a photo
Or read a letter
But I find it best
Not to get too immersed
Because, after all,
It still fucking hurts
Wall Art
I can’t
look at
your
photos
anymore
They make
my heart
too heavy
and my eyes
too sore
(Originally Posted 20.09.2019)
Captainless
I still don’t really understand
Why I was left feeling so at sea
As I was always the one
Who steadied our ship
It’s not like you ever looked after me
Without You
Life
is just
shit
without
you
I’ve got
nothing
left to
hold
on to
If
only
you were
still
here
Then I’d
have
nothing
left
to fear
(Originally Posted 19.09.2019)
Take It From One Who Knows
You really have to stop hoping
She said
That all of this will end
To think you’ll ever be free
She said
Really is madness my friend
Sunrise
I woke
up crying
again today
So much so
I struggled
to breathe
How much
longer must
I endure this?
When is
there an end
to this grief
(Originally Posted 18.09.2019)
Autopilot
Grief doesn’t come with a manual
And neither, you’ll find, does life
So you just have to go on
Now they’re gone
And hope that you stay alive
NUMB
I
didn’t
think
It
would
be
like
this
Whatever
this
is
(Originally Posted 17.09.2019)
Being Toyed With
As I have never
Loved again
From that day
To this
I cannot help
But wonder
If someone up there
Is taking the piss
I Can’t Tell You
I can’t
tell
you
how
much
better
I feel
To
know my
feelings
I need
no
longer
conceal
I
can’t
tell you
how much
more open
I am
now
To the
possibility
of loving
someone
again,
someday,
somehow
(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)
I Wasn’t Given Any Instructions Either
I know you’re looking
To me for help
But I am just
As clueless myself
I’m Sorry
It hurt
to see
the pain
in your
eyes
I felt
every
ache
of your
heart
If only
I could
ease the
anguish
you feel
But
I’ve no
wisdom
left to
impart
(Originally Posted 10.09.2019)
Innocence
Nothing prepares them
For what’s to come
The devastation
And then some
All I can say
As I watch them have fun
Is just be there for them
When they are done
Piercing
It looks
like this
situation
I may have
misjudged
As not
once did I
think it
would hurt
this much
(Originally Posted 09.09.2019)
Random #236
“And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again”
Taking Back Control
I know what you did
That day
How you made sure
Your pain
Stopped
Were You Afraid Of Dying?
It
was
awful
to see
you
waste
away
Neither
of us
knowing
why
Now
my
only
hope
Is
you
are
smoking
dope
At
that
great
gig in
the
sky
Xxx
(Originally Posted 07.09.2020)
Death Trumps Divorce
It doesn’t compare
It’s not the same thing
I lost the man completely
Not just my wedding ring
That Morning
You
can
try
to
imagine
But
you
can
never
know
How
much
it
tore
me
apart
When
I had
to let
him go
Xxx
(Originally Posted 07.09.2020)
Random #235
“Oh but Glasgow gave me more
Than it ever took away
And prepared me for life on the road”
A Poor Substitute
I made one into a pillow
To keep with me in bed
But there’s no point in denying
I’ve spent many a night crying
Wishing it was you instead
Your Shirt
I still have it.
Your shirt.
I can feel it.
I can smell it.
I just wish you were still here.
Wearing it.
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)
Time Off
It takes me by surprise
Every year
If I can just yet through that day,
I think,
Then everthing will be ok
But it’s not
A Hard Week
Now that
the darkness
has descended
All my
happiness
has ended
Deep into
my soul
I have delved
And all
future plans
I have shelved
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019
Your Butterfly, Madame…
It’s better to have loved and lost
Than to never have loved at all
And it’s better to hide the knives,
I find,
To protect your abdominal wall
The Dagger
At
least
I don’t
feel pain
anymore
As my
insides
spill
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 04.09.2020)
Death Hurts
This was so true
For much of that first year
In fact it’s only now
I have realised
How much his illness
And his death
Had left me
Paralysed
The Robbery
Your illness
robbed you
of your life
And it
robbed me
of my mind
Your death
still cuts me
like a knife
So now
to madness
I am inclined
(Originally Posted 01.09.2019)
The Sadness In My Soul
I wish I could update this one
Comment on how it has aged
Yet it seems that when
I pick up the pen
It’s only my tears that fill the page
I Hope So
Sing
to me
some
more
She
said
For
your
voice
I hold
so dear
I’ll
always
sing to
you
He
said
Even
when
I’m no
longer
here
Xxx
(Originally Posted 01.09.2020)
On Grief
People say things
Get better with time
Which may be their truth
But it isn’t mine
Not Long Now
Each day brings
Yet more false hope
Along with an another
Earth shattering new low
I really am just
Biding my time now
Waiting until
It’s my turn to go
(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)
The Promise That Can’t Be Kept
He knew right then
As he watched
The tear fall from her eye
It was best to forget
And to just let
His feelings for her die
Silent Conversations
Not yet
but soon
she says,
as she makes her
way to the door
But when,
how soon
he asks
as he stares
at the floor
Not yet
but soon
she says,
as her head
is slowly bowed
But when,
how soon
he asks
will we
be allowed?
(Originally Posted 22.08.2019)
A Digital Death
You should be given a manual
For when your loved one dies
Not just on how to cope with grief
But practical advice
There’s so many things you have to do
When you’re under all that pressure
It’s no wonder some things are forgotten
And then they’re lost, forever
I Should Have Done It Back Then
The last link
Has been ripped away
Our final tether
Is severed
And all I can hear
Is your voice
Telling me
That I really should’ve done better
Xxx
Life Events
There were so many photos taken
Back in twenty nineteen
And I had to pose
All alone
With a gap where you should’ve been
Speechless
There is so much
I want to tell you
So many things
I want to share
But my tears flow
all over again
When I realise
you’re not there
(Originally Posted 15.08.2019)
Random #227
“I know that’s what people say – you’ll get over it. I’d say it too. But I know it’s not true. Oh, you’ll be happy again, never fear. But you won’t forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.”
– Betty Smith
With Time Comes Acceptance, Supposedly
Stain free
Pain free
Neither really
Matter to me
As I’m still mad
And deeply sad
That this is how
It has to be
Only Sadness Remains
I wander barefoot
in the rain
Trying to wash
away your stain
Now that I’m left
in eternal pain
I’d give anything
to laugh again
(Originally Posted 12.08.2019)
Unreciprocated Love
It will never be
The right time for me
I just have to accept it
As I cannot take
The abject heartache
Each time I am rejected
Each Time We Meet
Why isn’t
it me,
she asks,
Why can’t
it be us?
For I
already
love another,
he says,
As her
dreams
crumble
to dust.
(Originally Posted 10.08.2019)
Birthdays Are The Worst Days
I still don’t know
What the fuck to do
Even though today
I’m forty two
Entering My Fifth Decade
So I
turned
forty
today
And
what
exactly
did
I do?
Nothing
But
drink,
smoke
and cry
too much
Like
every
other
day
Without
you
Xxx
(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)
‘Priceless Advice’
Take all of your keepsakes
They say
And put them in a box
That way you will always have
A reminder of who you’ve lost
But not everything can be locked away
And it’s those things that you miss
It’s not like a shirt can replace a hug
Or a photo a kiss
Sense (less)
I’m starting to forget.
Your face,
Your voice,
Your touch.
I don’t like it.
(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)
Random #224
‘Oh all the times I’ve tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning ’round inside my head’
Eating Dinner In Fancy Restaurants
There were quite a few before him
As I tried each one for size
But if there’s no more after him
Then I wouldn’t be surprised
Like Lightning
I remember
When
I thought
it was
you
And I
made my
feelings
plain
But
then
I met
him
And
within
seconds
I knew
I’d never
think
about
you
Again
(Originally Posted 26.07.2020)
Is This It?
I really hadn’t
Given much thought
To how hard
Life would be
Alone
The constant struggle
In this suffocating bubble
And all so far away
From home
A Tale Of Two Cities
I really don’t want to leave
But I know that I can’t stay
Though I’ll be alone
Wherever I go
So I’m screwed either way
(Originally Posted 05.07.2019)
Tea For Two
At that café
Drinking tea
I wished you were there
Sitting opposite me
But I soon realised
Even though we’re apart
You’ll always be with me
Inside my heart
Xxx
Royal Exchange Square
I had to come back here,
How could I not?
Because it all started here,
On that night I’ve never forgot.
Xxx
(Originally Posted 03.07.2019)
Giving Pandora Her Box Back
How many times
Did I say this
How many times
Did I wish it were true
But now that I’m free
Indefinitely
There is no fun
Without you
Staid
Is
that
it
now
She
said
Are
we
finally
done
As
I’d
like
to go
out
She
said
And
actually
have
some
fun
(Originally Posted 01.07.2019)
Filling A Hole
There was a period of time
After he died
When I returned to my old ways
Auditioning random men
As a replacement
All in a drunken haze
Thankfully
It didn’t last
And it proved to be just a phase
As I realised
Pretty quickly
It didn’t help with my malaise
On A Promise
What happens when the music stops
She said
Do we have to go home?
Wherever you end up going
He said
You won’t be going alone
(Originally Posted 01.07.2021)
‘Back To Black’
Yet as the sun came out
Last summer
The glue I’d used soon melted
So whatever I felt back then
Didn’t start a trend
Or conclude as well as projected
Out Of The Blue
I woke up with a smile
Today
All the bad feeling
Had gone away
It actually felt
Like it was the start
Of gluing back together
My broken heart
(Originally Posted 30.06.2021)
I Dreamt About Him Last Night
I dreamt about him last night
You know
For only the third time since he died
At least we had fun
In this one
And it was when I woke up I cried
A Heavenly Reunion
What
are
you
doing
here
He
said
I
told
you
not
to
follow
I
couldn’t
take
any
more
She
said
Life
without
you
left
me
hollow
Xxx
(Originally Posted 29.06.2020)
‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’
You appear to me in a way
That is beyond my cognition
Emerging slowly into the light
As a ghostly apparition
I hear you whisper softly
How it is now your mission
To close the void between us
And put an end to Deaths partition
Mausoleum
In
the
graveyard
Of
my
mind
Is
where
the
memories
Of
us
reside
So
when
I’m
alone
In
the
dead
of
night
I
walk
the
tombs
Of
our
love’s
plight
(Originally Posted 23.06.2020)
‘No one sings like you anymore…’
I don’t think
It will matter
How much time
Continues to turn
This will
Forever
Be the case
That much
I have learned
Three Score And Ten
Some
days
it feels
like
forever
Others
it feels
like a
minute
But no
matter
how
much
time has
passed
Life is
still
shit
without
you
in it
Xxx
(Originally Posted 17.06.2020)
An Endless Cycle
I thought about you today.
Twice.
The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.
The second, when I tried to write a response.
It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.
And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
The Corner of My Eye
I thought I saw you today.
Twice.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)
Interred
If only it was
An abyss we shared
Rather than you long gone
And me ill-prepared
Captives
Was it you
Or was it me
Who soldiered on
Too blind to see
It was always destined
To end like this
With both of us falling
Into the abyss
(Originally Posted 10.06.2021)
From The Back Row
Crying because I was happy
Crying because I was sad
Crying because I had lost
The best friend I’d ever had
Joy and Sadness
Resisting
the urge
to cry
today
is futile.
(Originally Posted 24.05.2019)
Oscillating
I’d still rather have you
Both ways
Than to never have had you
At all
The Past
Some days
it’s easy
to remember
you
Some days
it’s hard
to forget
you
Some days
I don’t want
to remember
you
Some days
I never want
to forget
you
(Originally Posted 18.05.2019)
Fantasy Land
Why can’t it be
Like it is on TV
Where everyone lives happily
Ever after
Slap And Tickle
I
have
tried to
move on
My
feelings
for you
to shelve
But
it seems
when push
comes to
shove
I just
can’t
help
myself
(Originally Posted 22.04.2020)
‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head’
Head in pain
Lying out in the rain
Wondering how
I’ll ever love again
NFA
If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.
(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)
‘Show Me, Show Me, Show Me…’
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
I Know Now
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
Arid
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
So It Seems
It’s not just coping
With the grief
For your beloved one
Who dies
It is also dealing
With the loss
Of everyone else
You leave behind
True Colours
What
else
did
you
lose
She
asked
On
the
day
he
died?
All
the
love
and
respect
I
once
had
for
you
She
bitterly
replied
(Originally Posted 31.03.2020)
Becoming Unstuck
Back in the day
The only way
Was to express my grief
In paragraphs
I avoided talking
Like the plague
And couldn’t look
At photographs
I knew that it
Was wrong of me
But in my sadness
I was frozen
There was no option
For me back then
No other path
I could have chosen
But now I find
Day in day out
I can move
A little bit more
I am becoming unstuck,
It seems
Of that much
I am sure
I can only hope
As time goes on
Things continue
In this vain
And I’m never physically,
Mentally or emotionally
So immovable
Again
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to lift your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wind with a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
(Originally Posted 26.03.2019)
A Temporary Fix
I have since toiled
Without that guide
Pasting my heart
With water and flour
I just have to hope
It continues to hold
Though it’s looking less likely
By the hour
My Heart
My heart is smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.
I don’t have the glue to put it back together.
And I lost the instruction manual years ago.
(Originally Posted 14.03.2019)
Lovers Lament
In a parallel life somewhere
In another space and time
Things would be very different
And you would still be mine
Different Hymn Sheets
Shall
we
just
stay
here
She
said
And be
happy
forever
more?
I
don’t
think
I can
He
said
For
there’s
another
I love
more
(Originally Posted 10.3.2020)
Making Do
I remember this
Only too well
Wandering around
In a daze
Living life
On autopilot
Trying to navigate
The maze
That conflict inside me
Never stopped
I still feel it
To this day
It’s just easier now
To do what I can
And to push the cannot
Away
I Can / I Cannot
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
(Originally Posted 10.3.2019)
Who’s That Girl?
I don’t remember who wrote this
But I can see that she was sad
Understandable, to be fair,
As she’d lost everything she had
2am
I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt
I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng
I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only
I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail
I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
(Originally posted 04.03.2019)
In Memoriam
There is nothing
Left to do
There isn’t anything
Else to say
I just really
Fucking miss him
Every single day
Xxx
International Romance Propaganda Day
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hope those chocolates
Fucking choke you
What Should Have Been
Twenty two years
Just me and you
Sitting on the sofa
With wine and food
But it’s not to be
As you’re three years gone
So any romance today
Just feels wrong
Xxx
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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