Sliding Doors

There will be someone out there

He said

That will be the one for you

What if he’s already gone

She said

I don’t believe there can be two

Writer’s Block

I try to write but the words fail.

Sit, think, smoke, exhale.

As I reach for the coffee cup,

I wonder if my time is up.

Have I forgotten you,

Is that what this is?

The reason I can no longer write this shit?

Or could it be this depression is finally lifting?

Maybe the all encompassing darkness is shifting?

Perhaps after all this time my heart is mended.

And my love affair with words has ended.

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

My Younger Self

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I say?

Well done for putting up with this bullshit every day

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I see?

A weary acceptance that life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I feel?

An overwhelming sadness that time will never heal

If I spent time with my younger self, what would I do?

Tell them to pack a bag and run away with you

(Originally Posted 24.07.2019)

Fate

I wish I’d never met you.

Life would be easier then.

If I’d never met you

I wouldn’t have to forget you.

And I would be happier then.

(Originally Posted 09.03.2019)

Bottled Memories

I’m glad
I kept
your aftershave,
so that I
can wear
it too.

It’s the
only thing
that I
have left,
that keeps
me close
to you.

(Originally Posted 14.06.2019)

If He Goes, I Go

When he asked if she was OK, she smiled and nodded her head.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she wished that she was dead.

When he brushed the tears from her eyes, she winced and turned away.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she wished that he could stay.

When he held her for the last time, she knew she would get her wish.

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she’d already planned for this.

(Originally Posted 23.06.2019)

Sometimes

Sometimes it's easy to think about you.
Our memories overwhelm me,
I feel the touch of your hand in mine,
and my eyes sparkle with joyous delight.

Sometimes I can't think about you at all.
My brain shuts off the pathway to the pain, 
My lungs stop taking in air,
and my heart, momentarily, stops beating.

Sometimes it's easy to talk about you.
Words fall from my mouth,
stories flow like vintage wine, 
and my smile is as wide as the horizon.

Sometimes I can't talk about you at all.
Sentences fail to form in my head,
my voice dries up like a parched riverbed, 
and my mouth is clamped like a vice.

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)

The Siren

I hear her calling my name,
Luring me to the murky depths.

Her song, beckons me.
Her promise, tantalises me.

I am compelled to listen.
I am urged to respond.

But she is all the way out at sea,
And I never learned to swim.

(Originally Posted 23.04.2019)

Murderer

My heart is empty now;
it can never be filled.

My life is over now;
my spirit you have killed.

(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)

Self Worth

I’d give you my heart,
But it’s not worth me trying

I’d give you my body,
But it’s not worth your touch

I’d give you my soul,
But it’s not worth my crying

I’d give you my life,
But it’s not worth very much

(Originally Posted 19.04.2019)

The Long Goodbye

I’ve never loved myself

So I didn’t expect you to either

Thank you so much for trying,

However,

But I knew we’d achieve neither

Unknown Rules

The more I try to join in
The more it seems
Love is a game
No one taught me
How to play

(Originally Posted 01.06.2019)

Unkept

You said

To me

You’d always

Be true

Yet it’s clear

That forever

Meant fuck all

To you

The Bakery Aisle

You’re in the supermarket on a cold winters day.

You’re minding your own business, pushing your trolley and checking items off your list when your nose twitches at the smell of freshly baked bread. Tempted, you wander over to the bakery.

Your stomach grumbles as you peruse the counter. Your eyes widen as they drink in the glorious delights on offer. Loaves, rolls, buns, cakes, pastries, biscuits, tarts: each as tantalising as the next. After much internal deliberation you finally decide which one to buy.

A chocolate eclair.

You signal your selection to the assistant who hands you your prize in a cardboard box, neatly tied with ribbon. You carefully place the box at the far end of your trolley, safely stowed away from heavier household goods that might roll around and crush it.

You finish the rest of your shopping a little quicker now, somehow lighter of step, and stride with purpose to the checkout.

You hastily pack and pick up your shopping bags but you grip the box tightly in your hand, carrying it safely all the way out to your car.

You drive along with the box calling to you, provocatively, on the passenger seat. You glance over every few minutes, stretching out a protective hand and smiling in anticipation.

You get home and unpack your shopping whilst waiting, impatiently, for the kettle to boil. The box consumes your thoughts as you drum your fingers on the counter top, and your excitement continues to build.

You sit down in your favourite chair and make yourself comfortable. You tenderly untie the ribbon and lift the lid of the box. You lick your lips as your heart quickens and you finally take a bite of the glistening chocolate eclair.

You begin to realise, as you chew, that it doesn’t taste as good as you thought it would.

The cream is artificial and bland. The pastry is soggy and sticks to your cheeks. The chocolate is saccharine and hurts your teeth.

Disappointed, you put the remaining piece of the chocolate eclair back into the box, close the lid and re-tie the ribbon. You throw the box in the bin without a care in the world.

And that’s what love is like.

Being lured in by the chocolate eclair when, all along, you really should have picked the strawberry tart.

(Originally Posted 07.03.2019)

 

That Summer

That summer with you was glorious.

I was young, fearless and eager to learn.

You were older, wiser and willing to teach.

I can still recall that first night. You grabbed my hand and whispered ‘Come with me’.

We sailed past the doormen and into the club. I remember that heady mix of beer in plastic glasses, cigarette smoke and pounding bass lines in darkened alcoves.

We danced all night as those songs played and we lost ourselves in each other.

That summer was twenty two years ago, but it feels like it was yesterday.

Thank You.

For JH.

(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)

Who Am I?

I think that I forgot myself

Somewhere along the way

So not only have I lost you

I’ve got a whole life to replay

(Originally Posted 28.07. 2019)

Aftermath

Confusion reigns
As my head struggles to explain
What I feel inside my heart

Sadness remains
As with all encompassing pain
I hate that we have to part

(Originally Posted 06.07.2019)

I Hope You’re Happy Now

My eyes weep
As my heart aches
I hope you’re happy now

My mind breaks
As my guts bleed
I hope you’re happy now

My soul scars
As you leave
I hope you’re happy now

(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)

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