"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
It seems that every so often
I’ll write a cheeky one like this
I blame the Carry On films
I watched when I was a kid
Their irreverent innuendo
Now belongs to a time gone by
But they taught me comedic timing
And left a twinkle in my eye
Repetitive Strain Injury
Time is running out
She said
Remember we’re on the clock
I wish you’d just stop checking
He said
And focus on my… shoulder
(Originally Posted 11.07.2021)
And now
that
I am
better,
it seems,
you have
taken a
turn for
the worse
But you
won’t talk
to me,
despite
my plea,
which
is really
the most
perverse
Crutches
I fear
I have
lent on
you once
too often,
and now
you are
as broken
as me.
I should
never have
asked for
your help,
to be
honest,
as now
you’ll never
be free.
(Originally Posted 11.07.2019)
It took me so long
To make that mix tape
And then
You just threw it away
So I’ll never
Make you another one
Until
My dying day
‘Bought On Stolen Wine…’
All of
those
hours
Sat in
your room
Both
of us
wallflowers
Bathing
in gloom
(Originally Posted 10.07.2020)
‘And if one day
You should see me in the crowd
Lend a hand and lift me
To your place in the cloud’
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
‘I was born standing up
And talking back’
“We are the same, you and I – two odd, lonely children, reaching for eternity.”
– Tom Hanks (as Col. Tom Parker)
Back before
I was heart broken
And became
Such a misery
I was capable
Of having fun
Which I did,
Consistently
This is one
Of many stories
From when I was
The queen of frolicking
To think how I was then
Compared to now
Is quite simply
Astonishing
If I could roll back
The years
And talk
To a younger me
I would tell her
‘Don’t just pick one fella’
And keep living your life
Care free
A Love Quadrangle
It
should
be
me
Said
man
number
one
I’ve
been
here
from
the
start
It
should
be
me
Said
man
number
two
I’d
never
break
her
heart
It
should
be
me
Said
man
number
three
I
see
her
playful
side
Please,
stop
arguing
boys
She
said
You
couldn’t
handle
me if
you
tried!
(Originally Posted 30.06.2020)
If only I could make it better
But there is no way that I can
For you have lost her forever
Just the same as I lost my man
Real Talk
It
hurts
my
heart
To
hear
you
cry
And
watch
you
break
Like
this
As
your
life
Falls
apart
And
you
stare
Into
the
abyss
(Originally Posted 25.06.2020)
Have you thought about moving on
He said
Of starting a life with someone else
It hasn’t even crossed my mind
She said
As I’m more than happy on the shelf
It’s Not The Same Thing
Just think about
What I lost
On the day he died
Then ask yourself
If you were me
When would your tears subside?
(Originally Posted 25.06.2021)
‘If I saw you again I’d smile,
But I’d say don’t call me baby…’
I think that when
I wrote this one
I was trying
Not to be too mean
But believe you me
Nothing was easy
Back
In twenty nineteen
How Are You?
It’s easier to say I’m alright,
Rather then I’m anxious.
It’s easier to say I’m okay,
Rather than I’m outraged.
It’s easier to say I’m better,
Rather than I’m broken.
It’s easier to say I’m good,
Rather than I’m grieving.
It’s easier to say I’m well,
Rather than I’m wasted.
It’s easier to say I’m fine,
Rather than I’m fucked.
(Originally Posted 24.06.2019)
I met him on the Solstice
Many, many moons ago
There amongst the stones I thought
He looks to be in the know
So I asked him that question
The one you see below
But alas, he shook his head and said
‘I just go with the flow’
The Sage
Tell me
how
you do
it
She
said
How
do you
stay so
strong
I
don’t
really
know
He
said
I make
it up
as
I go
along
(Originally Posted 22.06.2020)
No matter how hard you strive
To keep a memory alive
They’re always forgotten
In the end
At All
I reach
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
the abyss
I fall.
I search
for your face,
but you don’t care,
and it’s like we
were never here
at all.
(Originally Posted 20.06.2019)
I lay in the bath
As you walked the path
Into the depths
Of my soul
I dropped the glass
As we came to pass
And I knew then
I was out of control
(Laws Of) Attraction
I
can no
longer
trust
myself
Whenever
I see
your
face
For I
just
want to
kiss
you
And
never
leave
your
embrace
(Originally Posted 19.06.2020)
‘You just survive soldier
And your soul is beautiful’
I thought about you today.
Twice.
The first, when I sat and re-read this poem.
The second, when I tried to write a response.
It was only then I realised it has been nine hundred and twenty two days since you died.
And I remembered not just what I lost that day, but how much it still hurts now.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
The Corner of My Eye
I thought I saw you today.
Twice.
The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.
The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.
It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.
And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.
And I cried again today.
Twice.
(Originally Posted 10.06.2019)
Remembered lines
From a TV show
That first aired
Thirty years ago
Some things never change
Impatience
“Kill me now…I can’t be arsed”
(Originally Posted 09.06.2019)
Thank God
I never gave him this
As I don’t think
He’d have ever recovered
Young love is such
A fickle thing
As I’m sure
He’s since discovered
(I’m Not In) Love Letters
I read,
read
and
read it
again
But it
doesnt
change
a thing
I can’t
take
back
what
I wrote
Or
remove
it’s
sting
(Originally Posted 23.05.2020)
When I sat down and wrote this one
Everyone else was at the bar
(In the grand scheme of things that day
We hadn’t travelled very far)
Whilst I waited for my drink
I plastered on a smile
Wishing I was anywhere but
En route to the Emerald Isle
The Airport Lounge
It doesn’t matter how loud people are
They never drown out the voices inside my head.
(Originally Posted 23.05.2019)
I had a lot of fun that day
And I looked beautiful too
Yet on the hour, every hour
I cried alone in the loo
Wedding Bells
Who knows
what will happen
when I get there.
Who knows
what will happen
along the way.
What I do know
is that you
won’t be there.
And my tears
will fall
all day.
(Originally Posted 21.05.2019)
‘Head’s in a whirlpool
Spinnin’ round and round
If she don’t get her man back
She’s gonna drown’
I’m not drunk
She says
It’s all in your head
I know you’re lying
She says
I’ve seen under your bed
Mother’s Ruin
As
the rot
starts
to set
in
I
pour
myself
another
gin
To
silence
the pain
in my
head
As
the
thoughts
seem to
shift
My
mood
starts
to
lift
And
I can
finally
get out
of bed
(Originally Posted 20.05.2020)
I said this out loud
Believe it or not
Once, in a hospital
That time forgot
Back then I was sick
And definitely tired
As all my issues
Felt pretty hard wired
The poor therapist
Didn’t know where to look
As she scribbled about me
In her hard backed book
The room fell silent
Apart from one boy
Who looked up and smiled
And I jumped for joy
Someone finally understood me
Somebody else felt my pain
So we went and smoked cigarettes
Until group therapy started again
Group Therapy
I’m
glad
you
find
it
helpful
But I
certainly
do not
What’s
the
point
in
telling
tales
When
you’ve
already
lost
the
plot?
(Originally Posted 19.05.2020)
I’d still rather have you
Both ways
Than to never have had you
At all
The Past
Some days
it’s easy
to remember
you
Some days
it’s hard
to forget
you
Some days
I don’t want
to remember
you
Some days
I never want
to forget
you
(Originally Posted 18.05.2019)
“He’s not coming back”
– Johnny Utah
‘The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching’
Someone asked me
The other day
How it was that we met
It felt so easy
In a strange way
To recite our own vignette
Cambuslang
All
those
days we
stayed
in bed
They
rattle
around
inside
my head
Until
the tears
run from
my eyes
As the
love we
shared
slowly
dies
Xxx
(Originally Posted 07.05.2020)
‘This is not really
This, this, this is not really happening
You bet your life it is…’
‘There ain’t nothing in the woodshed
(except maybe some wood)’
‘I don’t keep my secrets there
I hide them everywhere…’
No more fish and chips for you
Or a macaroni pie for me
It’s not the same
On my own
Sitting here by the sea
Bank Holidays
Days off
are always
difficult.
There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.
So many
memories
of what we
used to do.
At least
at work, I
get paid
to be
miserable.
(Originally Posted 22.04.2019)
‘You know I’m born to lose
And gambling’s for fools
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna live for ever!’
“Life becomes a habit. You get up, dress, eat, go tae work, clock in etcetera etcetera automatically, and think about nothing but the pay packet on Friday and the booze-up last Saturday. Life’s easy when you’re a robot.”
– Alasdair Gray
Two cunts so far this week
Is perhaps a bit of a worry
I really don’t see me
Winning prizes for poetry
In any kind of a fucking hurry
Disdain
It would have been quite easy
Had you wanted to commit
To just imagine for a second
What it’s like to go through with it
But in the end you chose not to
Which leads me to be blunt
Because of the things you did not do
You really are a cunt
(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)
It only took seconds
To write this one
And really, I should have binned it
Now it’s a lesson
That it’s not all progression
And sometimes, it’s better to edit
Success
Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above
Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night
(Originally Posted 13.04.2019)
I wrote this one
When I went back into the office
Although the thought of working
Left me feeling nauseous
I knew I had to return
And get it out of the way
But nothing really prepared me
For that difficult first day
All those well meaning people
Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit
All approaching me awkwardly
Asking how I was coping with it
Was there something they could say
Or anything they could do
Telling me they were here for me
Making sure that much I knew
I remember hiding in the bathroom
Just for a bit of peace
Hoping that back at my desk
Their annoying behaviour would cease
Then one day their fawning stopped
Like enough sympathy had been shown
And those incessant space invaders
Began to leave me the fuck alone
Space Invader
I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
So you’re another year older, eh?
And yet you’re still a cunt
Aging it seems, sadly for you,
Changes nothing on that front
(Not Too) Many Happy Returns
Happy
Birthday
to you
I hope
you
have
fun
I didn’t
send you
a card
Because
you don’t
deserve
one
(Originally Posted 11.04.2020)
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
You must decide
Who you want to let go
And who it is you want to retain
For there is no way
I can spend another day
Going over all this again
Right Person / Wrong Time
I do
appreciate
what
we
had
But
lament
what
could
have
been
You
and
me
together
forever
With
nobody
inbetween
(Originally Posted 09.04.2020)
The days still march on,
But now I run forward.
Always in step,
Everything in place,
And just about in time.
Out
The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
‘She can
Start
To walk out
When she wants’
‘Big mistake. Big. Huge.’
– Vivian Ward
I actually have
A lot more to give
Than this wee ditty suggests
I actually am
Quite the catch
Despite my ongoing protests
Damaged Goods
It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me
You
deserve
to be
happy
But
you
won’t
get to
share
In
anything
with
me
But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
I no longer go to confession
For who is He
To mete out my punishment?
As if in just one session
There could possibly be
Anything close to moral replenishment
Hail Mary
You’d think
now I
have more
time on
my hands
I’d be
thinking
about the
future and
making plans
Yet I
sit here
dwelling on
that one
transgression
Knowing
it’s too
late now
give my
confession
(Originally Posted 07.04.2020)
This was the first of many like this
She said
Although they became much more refined
I’m just waiting for the day
He said
Where our roles are more clearly defined
He Said/She Said
One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said
But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said
One day
Somebody might love you
He said
But today
Nobody does
She said
(Originally Posted 07.04.2019)
I spend less time by the river
Nowadays
It’s not my preferred option
Anyways
Drowning
The girl in the river,
She never thought she would be.
The girl in the river,
She didn’t want you to see.
The girl in the river,
She just wanted to be free.
The girl in the river,
She is me.
(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)
Were you ever lovers?
Or was he just your friend
I guess now I’ll never know
Who he wanted in the end
Second Fiddle
Drunkenly
wishing
upon a
star
Won’t
make my
dreams
come true
For he’ll
never be
able to
love me
Half as
much as
he loved
you
(Originally Posted 06.04.2020)
This seems to have served you well
He said
With plenty of folks who enjoy reading
I never thought I’d get this far
She said
Let alone that I’d be succeeding
Talentless
I wish I could
take your plaudit
But I just write
what comes to me
My inability
to self edit
Laid bare for
all to see
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
The scars I carry
Across my body
May well be off the chart
But now I focus
On pulling myself together
Instead of tearing myself apart
Relief
As I
open
up my
scars
The
blood
flows
once
more
As I
begin
to see
stars
I fall,
sated,
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
It must be
The child in me
That tests people like I do
But if you could see
What happened to me
Then you’d be wary of people too
Friendship
Every time I make you laugh another part of me dies inside.
For you can never be the one to whom I can confide.
It’s my own fault, I know too well, as I should not try to pretend.
But if you could see past my facade, you’d make a cracking friend.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
You were never once
In my possession
Yet you’ll forever be
My complete obsession
Everything
You
are the one
I will never
forget
I
am the one
you have already
forgotten
(Originally Posted 01.04.2019)
Why do we bother to love
She said
When it really is
So cruel
I’ve got no idea
He said
It’s not me who makes the rules
Savages
So now
you’re
leaving
me too
Now
you have
broken
my heart?
Well
fuck off
back to
her then
I’ll
soon
tear you
apart
(Originally Posted 01.04.2020)
I can be quite poetic,
It seems
When I put my mind to it
This one serving to remind me
It doesn’t always need
To be ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’
The Birds
Looking up to the sky
This foreboding feeling grows
As I see the unkindness of ravens
And hear the murder of crows
(Originally Posted 31.03.2021)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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