As another sun sets
On our argument
My stomach
Is still in bits
Because of all the things
We could’ve been
I never thought
That we’d be this
"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
As another sun sets
On our argument
My stomach
Is still in bits
Because of all the things
We could’ve been
I never thought
That we’d be this
I have
More fun
In my head
That’s why
I prefer
To stay in bed
Now that all
The talking’s done
And those strategies
Have been deployed
It is time to face
The reality
I’ve tried so hard
To avoid
If you find my words too dreary
Then just scroll on, my dear
‘Cause if you are looking for cheery
There’s nothing for you here
Let’s make love tonight
He said
Until we reach
The heights of heaven
Just fucking stick it in
She said
I’ve got to be up
At seven
Sometimes,
As a writer,
All that you can do
Is to drop
The flowery language
And just tell
The fucking truth
In Memoriam
There is nothing
Left to do
There isn’t anything
Else to say
I just really
Fucking miss him
Every single day
Xxx
(Originally Posted 25.02.2022)
And when you’ve had
Your own itch scratched
I’ll be left there alone
Lying in the wet patch
Lies Men Tell
Just
close
your
eyes
and
count
to ten
I’ll
take
you to
heaven
and
back
again
(Originally Posted 25.01.2020)
Washing your hands
Checking the locks
Labelling your cans
Sorting your socks
You call them all
Your ‘OCD’
But you’ve got no idea
What it really means
All The 8’s
And so it begins
The incessant counting
The overthinking
The fear mounting
That impending doom
Will certainly strike
If I do not get
This pattern right
(Originally Posted 25.01.2021)
I know when I
Use the word ‘cunt’
To some people it’s
An awful affront
So I’d never use it
As a simple diss
Instead I reserve it
For those who it fits
Leopards
Just
because
now
You
taunt
me from
afar
You’re
still
a cunt
And you
know
you are
(Originally Posted 24.01.2020)
If only there
Was a way
To make the dream
A reality
But any hope of that
Was cruelly dashed
When you upped
And left me
Nocturnal Naughtiness
You
were
in my
dreams
last night
We
kissed
longingly
by the
fire
And
although
I woke
with
contented
delight
It
didn’t
quite
quench
my desire
(Originally Posted 08.01.2020)
A tale of love
Unrequited,
Ever so sad
Yet I’m secretly
Delighted
To have experienced it.
Otherwise,
How would I have known?
‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’
It’s not you
It’s not me
It’s just the way
It has to be
(Originally Posted 21.11.2020)
I used to think
When I was a kid
I can’t wait to live by myself
I will do
Whatever I want
Take my opportunity to rebel
But there’s another side
To living alone
When you no longer have another
To share your home
What I never envisaged
All those years ago
Was that my only company now
Would be the radio
Home Alone
It’s Friday night
And I’m here alone
In this house
We used to call home
There’s nothing left now
Just an empty shell
With only me here
Living through hell
(Originally Posted 20.09.2019)
If only if was like that
All sentimental and romantic
But believe you me,
In reality,
Death throes are far more frantic
9.15am
I
was
high
As
were
you
When
we said
goodbye
In the
morning
hue
(Originally Posted 28.08.2019)
I know that here I come across
As someone who speaks their mind
But in reality
Words can often fail me
And my voice is much harder to find
The Jumble Sale
I rummage around inside my head as I search for what to say
But my silence means all you hear is I don’t want you to stay
I rummage around inside my head as I look down to the floor
But my silence means all you hear is I don’t love you anymore
What is painfully sad for both of us is neither of these things are true
But the jumble sale of words in my head prevents me from being honest with you
(Originally Posted 28.07.2019)
I often wonder
Reading back
Just who these people are
As their conversations
And confrontations
Make up some of my best work by far
Help Me
I never used to be like this
She said
I actually used to be brave
What was it that happened to you
He asked
So much so that you would cave
The world happened
She replied
But you wouldn’t understand
Why don’t you try me
He implored
As he reached for her hand
(Originally Posted 19.07.2019)
If only this one
Was the truth bar none
And I had such a steadfast allure
But in reality
This could never be me
As I am all too easily ignored
Push And Pull
Love me
or
loathe me
You’ll
never
escape me
So why
would
you even
try
Kiss me
or
kill me
You will
always
want me
So there’s
no point
in saying
goodbye
(Originally Posted 06.07.2019)
The reality
That is me
Rarely lives up
To the promise
That is why
I will always hide
If I am
Brutally honest
Fervour
I have written
All the words I need
Now I just have to press send
But as my finger hovers
I am scared
That our time together
Will end
(Originally Posted 10.05.2020)
Yet the fantasy
That promises so much
Rarely delivers
In the end
IPA
Beer
Bridging the great divide
between dreams and reality
Since 1993
(Originally Posted 26.04.2019)
I know
It comes across
Like I am rapacious
Between the sheets
But believe me
When I say
My tongue is firmly
In my cheek
Returning home
To stress and strain
Wondering when
I’ll be free again
I dreamt
About you
This afternoon
For only
The second time
Then
As I woke up
The silence sent
It’s shivers
Down my spine
Xxx
We meet again
And my heart soars
But only in my dreams
Then my heart breaks
All over again
To find all is not as it seems
Fuck you death
She said
You really don’t scare me
That’s what you all say
He said
But through your lies I see
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.
Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.
I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.
Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.
With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.
When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.
He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.
As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.
My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.
I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.
I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.
I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.
I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.
The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…
(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)
I hate it
When you look at me
For all I see
Is pain
But what hurts more
Is I can’t be sure
I won’t fuck it up
Again
That’s how you do it,
Boris
Our woman
Has had her say
Now how long
Will it take for you
To protect your people
In the same way?
Should
we
accidentally
meet
On that
busy,
bustling
street
Would
the birds
above us
tweet
As our
hearts
skip a
beat?
Or would I just blether on a whole heap of shite because I’m clinically depressed and unable to formulate a meaningful conversation with anyone of the opposite sex since my partner died so you just give up trying to listen and walk away thinking who the fuck was that lunatic and happily go about the rest of your life whilst I retreat back to my house wondering why the fuck I even bothered going out in the first fucking place?
As
I lie
here
brokenAnd
thinking
of
youI
wish
there
was a
wayTo
hide
from
the
truthBut
I’ll
never
forgetWhat
we
went
throughAll the
blood,
tears
and
sweatWe
lost
in that
room
Goodbye,
See you later,
It’s such a shame
That you can’t stay.
Thank fuck you’re gone,
And now I’m alone,
As I never liked you
Anyway.
If
I had
never
gone
down
this
pathIt
wouldn’t
hurt
so
much
in the
bath
If
I ask
you a
question
She
said
Do you
promise
to tell
the truth?
Yes
He
lied
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