Tag: silly

Fooling No One

I really am sorry my friend

He said

But I can’t do much with that

The only thing I could recommend

He said

Is that you start wearing a hat

The Barber’s Secrets

Feeling
the
tension

In
the
air

He
dare not
mention

Your
thinning
hair

(Originally Posted 18.01.2020)

0

The Age Old Question

Does the milk go in

First or last

And does it

Really matter

It tastes the same anyway

At the end of the day

But for me,

It’s always the latter

‘Two Lumps Please’

To
help me
through
this
misery

Perhaps
I’ll
make
a drink

That
is what
they
say,
isn’t it?

A cup
of tea
solves
everything?

(Originally Posted 11.01.2020)

6

Maybe Next Year…

I know it’s only

One year on

But I’m still quite proud

Of this

Yet if I’ve had one thought

It’s that I should’ve sought

A better word

To rhyme with Elvis

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

(Originally Posted 29.12.2021)

9

Way Too Eager

Well it’s not like I can help it

Said the moth

To the flame

My attraction to you is hard-wired

Well your way of showing it

Said the flame

To the moth

Leaves a lot to be desired

Wings

Fuck
this
shit

Said
the
moth

To
the
flame

It is
never
going
to work

It’s all
your
fault

Said
the
flame

To
the
moth

For
going so
fucking
berserk

(Originally Posted 08.12.2019)

4

‘Purple Haze’

It doesn’t hurt as much

To look nowadays

But I’ll admit

That I don’t too often

As some of the things

We got up to back then

Are probably

Best forgotten

Polaroid Memories

I can no
longer
look at
at your
face

My
eyes I
have to
sheathe

For
tears
begin
to flow
at pace

And I
can no
longer
breathe

(Originally Posted 28.11.2019)

2

Saviours Take Many Forms

I cannot imagine

I meant the Jesus

In the title of this piece

As it’s far more likely

To be a Jesús

Who’d make me go weak at the knees

Christ On A Bike

It
truly
is a
wonder

To see
such a
glorious
sight

My
heart
beats
like
thunder

As my
body
sings
with
delight

(Originally Posted 25.11.2019)

2

Puppy Love

Well I know exactly

What I think of you

All blotchy and balding

At forty two

Now I’m glad we split

At our old school gates

Back when I was seven

And you were eight

High School Reunions

I
wonder
what

You’d
think
of me
now

Fat,
forty
and
fucked

Would
you
still
love me
forever

Want
to be
together
whatever

Or be
thankful
for the
life
you
ducked

(Originally Posted 10.11.2020)

13

Pot-Valiant

2,995 posts

And one pickled liver later

It’s a good job

That I didn’t stop

Or I’d never have put pen to paper

Drinking

I fear
I’ve had
one too
many
tonight

Perhaps
now isn’t
the time
my story
to write

(Originally Posted 18.10.2019)

9

Ouch

If only I

Had seen more sense

And not fallen foul

Of my incompetence

Perhaps our relationship now

Wouldn’t be past tense

And I wouldn’t still feel

These splinters from the fence

Just Passing By

It was you

That was

The one

For me

But a future

Between us

I just

Couldn’t see

I suppose

That now

None of that

Matters

For you’ve

Moved on

While I’m left

In tatters

(Originally Posted 13.10.2020)

3

I’d Actually Prefer A Geography Teacher

Sparks is an amazing song

And I guess Yellow isn’t bad

But by the time

We got to X&Y

There wasn’t a decent song to be had

The Coldest Of Plays

‘When
you
try
your
best
but
you
don’t
succeed…’

Just
fucking
give
it up
then,

Please

(Originally Posted 09.10.2020)

0

Triple Jabbed

Well that lasted all of five minutes

As after that lockdown was lifted

I was out the front door like a shot

And did I care who touched me? Not a jot!

Deprived

I
honestly
don’t
remember

When
I last
felt
human
touch

And
as
time
goes
on

I’ve
started
to
feel

That
I actually
don’t
mind
too
much

(Originally Posted 07.10.2020)

6

Small Mercies

I’m not sure

If it was the booze

Or all the tablets

I was taking

But, ultimately,

I was pretty lucky

To survive all my (bad)

Decision making

Drunk

Looking in
the mirror
gives me
a fright,

But I think
I had a
good time
last night.

I don’t
remember
much or how
I got home,

So thank
fuck I’ve
woken up
alone.

(Originally Posted 29.09.2019)

2

Your Butterfly, Madame…

It’s better to have loved and lost

Than to never have loved at all

And it’s better to hide the knives,

I find,

To protect your abdominal wall

The Dagger

At
least
I don’t
feel pain
anymore

As my
insides
spill
to the
floor

(Originally Posted 04.09.2020)

6

Let’s Go Back Again

What the fuck is wrong with us
Said the spider to the fly
Why can’t we just stay in one spot?

To be honest I just follow you
Said the fly to the spider
As you’re the only friend I’ve got

Let’s Go Back

This was the wrong choice
Said the spider to the fly
I think we should return

I suppose you’re right
Said the fly to the spider
When will we ever fucking learn?

(Originally Posted 25.08.2019)

Let’s Go

Fuck this shit
Said the spider to the fly
I really cannot be arsed

I agree entirely
Said the fly to the spider
I’m done with this bloody farce

(Originally Posted 25.08.2019)

0

It Was Only A 10p Mix Up

Based on a true story this

From when I was about six or seven

I stole some sweets

So the owner called the police

In order to teach me a lesson

I have always felt

He was a little harsh

And his reaction was over the top

But I guess I learned then

Never to steal again

Well, at least not from his shop

Cops & Robbers

Caught with
my hands
in the
sweetie jar

I retreat,
shamefaced,
when I
hear a
police car…

Who the
fuck has
called
the cops?

I only
stole
a few
pear
drops…

(Originally Posted 11.08.2019)

20

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!

The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

2

Sorry Not Sorry

So now you’re back

You think I’ll crack

And give you my heart again

Well I’ve changed tack

And jumped into the sack

With your (much fitter) best friend

18

An Honour

I’ve never met anyone else

Who could spin a tale like you

Who tied people in knots with laughter

Who turned the air so cheekily blue

You were a master of your trade

The likes of which there’ll only ever be one

I’ll never forget your stories

Even now you’re gone

You’ll always be my hero

And a treasure to many more

I hope one day we’ll meet again

My Glaswegian raconteur

Xxx

24

Waxworks

You
can’t
hold a
candle
to him

She
said

You’ll
never
know
how
we felt

I wouldn’t
go near
him with
a naked
flame

He
said

For
fear
that he
would
melt

6

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