And
just
get
on
with
itIt’s
not
like
everyone
elseIsn’t
also
wading
through
shit
Shaking Spears
‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘
‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we deserve fucking medallions’
‘This Is The End…’
Imagine
what you
could
achieveHe
saidIf only
you just
tried
harderI’ve
done all
I can
to stay
aliveShe
saidI can’t
possibly
go any
farther
Quicksand
I’ve
no
idea
How
I got
in
But
I know
I can’t
Get
out
There’s
no one
here
To
lend
a hand
Or
act
upon
My
shout
Deceit
Lying to
myself
is bad
enough
But
lying
to you
hurts
more
But
there’s
no way
I could
be truthful
That’s
for
fucking
sure
Locked Down
I
don’t
know
about
you
But
I can
certainly
say
for
me
That
this
is
definitely
not
Like
I thought
it
would
be
Quit(e)
I have
to say
I’ve
had
enoughSurely
no one
can be
this
tough
The Anniversary
It will
soon be
a year,
without
you here,
and I
don’t
know
what
to do.For I’m
still
nowhere
near,
facing
my fear,
or the
reality
of losing
you.Xxx
The Noose Tightens
Today has
been like
scratching
a brick wall
I didn’t
see this
one coming
at all
Everything
I’ve done
has made me
feel worse
I cannot
shrug this
nightmarish
curse
It feels
ridiculously
melodramatic
to say
But I
really don’t
think there’s
another way
All that
appeals
to me now
is that rope
As finally
it seems I’ve
abandoned
all hope
Hand Luggage
This weight
is too heavyIts burden
is too greatYet I struggle
on regardlessResigned
to my fate
No Way Back
To carry
on living
is proving
too hardWith my mind
and my body
so irrevocably
scarred
Not Today
No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.
The Struggle
When you see me, you see the finished article.
Washed, dressed, hair in place, make up on and a smile on my face.
But you don’t see what it takes to get there.
You don’t see me trying to muster the strength to open my eyes in the morning.
You don’t see me forcing my weary bones out of bed.
You don’t see me berating myself as I sob in the shower.
You don’t see me looking in the mirror as I question whether or not today is the day.
You don’t see me wracked with indecision on what to wear.
You don’t see me soothing my pain as I twist and pull out my hair.
You don’t see me apply make up in the hope it makes me disappear.
You don’t see me riddled with anxiety as I lurk in the doorway.
You don’t see me breathing deeply before finally pushing open the office door.
When you see me, you see the finished article.
But just because you don’t see the struggle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Just because you see me smile, it doesn’t mean it’s real.
How I look, is not how I feel.
Options
I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.
You have no idea how hard it is.
This sustained internal struggle.
The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.
The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.
It’s exhausting.
If only I could return to the naivety of the past.
Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.
Where melancholy was a comforting friend.
And death wasn’t such a viable option.
Please
If this is all there is,
then who are you
to tell me no?
You have no idea,
how hard this is
so please, just let me go.
Circles
Enough of you
is
too much
Too much of you
is
never enough
For You
I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.
I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.
I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on,
as best I can,
the simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions,
slowly kills me.
If You Like
Stitch my wounds, if you like
I want to feel the pain
Don't call me a silly girl
For I'll only do it again
Ask me why, if you like
But you will never understand
The need, the comfort, the urgency
Those scissors close at hand
Leave me here, if you like
Go and walk away if you dare
Just remember I never asked for your help
Or your tender loving care
Forget I exist, if you like
It will not bother me one bit
For I'll always have my trusty blade
And carry my own first aid kit
The Silent Teacher
He was everything to me for such a long time.
I loved him like I’ll never love anyone ever again.
But then he died.
Now he is your silent teacher.
And I’m so proud of him.
Xxx