Tag: suicidal thoughts

A Knife’s Edge

It rears it’s head

This time of year

The feeling of wishing

That I wasn’t here

I’ll try to push through

As best as I can

But I’d be lying to say

It wasn’t still a plan

9

Secluded

Slowly 
I walk 
Along 
The bridge 
Resisting 
The urge 
To jump

But 
I feel
The ringing 
In my ears 
And my heart 
Begin 
To thump 

Now
I have felt
This way 
Before 
And 
I recognise 
The slump

So I go
In search  
Somewhere 
Else
For these 
Feelings 
To dump
12

The Race Against Time

We should plan a trip

He said

Pick a place

Somewhere unique

Perhaps in different

Surroundings

We’d get a better

Chance to speak

I’m not really sure

She said

With my future

Looking so bleak

That I will even make

Tomorrow

Let alone

Next week

0

Lost And Found

There’s no need to worry

She said

I’m not quite on the brink

I just needed peace and quiet

So I came up here to think

Well, that is good to hear

He said

As I was getting quite concerned

And when I saw you leaning over

I have to say my stomach churned

I can see how it looked

She said

But you’ll be reassured to know

I didn’t have any real intention

Of actually letting go

Then, if that’s really true

He said

Let’s both just walk back down

I think I’d be far happier

To see you on solid ground

2

Overthinking Again

I don’t think I can cope

She said

With all this worry

And stress

My heart

Just won’t stop pounding

And my head’s

A fucking mess

Maybe I’ll just end it

She said

That could be

For the best

As within

The peace and quiet

I might finally

Get some rest

4

The Boxing Day Swim

It’s funny how things turn out

She said

As she tugged on her costume straps

When I was here

Last year

She said

My mind had all but collapsed

I knew after I’d entered the water

She said

That there would be no doubt

As I had decided

Feeling like I did

Death was the only way out

But these last few months I have learned

She said

Through medication and therapy

Having survived that blip

A communal dip

Is now more than enough for me

10

Recognition

I saw it in

Your eyes that day

I heard it

In your voice

You, like me,

No longer see

Living

As a choice

0

Burnt Out

Lacking in motivation
Devoid of all desire
Wondering if salvation
Is in the funeral pyre

4

Lying In Wait

The rope

Is in

The bin

For now

Having given

That monster

A swerve

But it’s safe

To assume

I can’t give him

Any room

As he’ll have

Kept some back

In reserve

Try Harder Next Time

The monster who lives

Under my bed

Whispers again

Why aren’t you dead

Berating me

For writing instead

And putting the rope

Back in the shed

(Originally Posted 24.02.2021)

2

Bridges

On those days

When I feel depressed

And I can’t carry on

Or hope for the best

I know to avoid

The great outdoors

As they’d end up scraping me

Off the floor

You Have Been Warned

I’m
too
scared
to go
out
today

For
the
dark
thoughts
haven’t
gone away

I’m
worried
I’m so
far into
this
slump

That
I may
well
just
decide
to
jump

(Originally Posted 09.02.2020)

2

Calculating

If I were to take

One as prescribed

No doubt I’d feel

The same inside

If I were to take

Two or three

I could cope

Quite easily

If I were to take

Four or five

I’d most likely still

Make it out alive

If I were to take

Six or seven

I’d start knocking on

The door of heaven

If I were to take

Eight or nine

I’d be pretty close

To the finish line

But if I were

To take ten

I’d make sure you never

Saw me again

Dosage Instructions

Please
give me
another
pill to
swallow

For I
don’t
want to
wake up
tomorrow

(Originally Posted 31.01.2020)

4

“I Know It’s Gonna Happen Someday”

If some of my poems

Are humorous

Albeit

A little dark

This one

Is deadly serious

And not just

A flippant remark

Hanging Around

I know it’s there

In the shed

Waiting for when

I choose death instead

(Originally Posted 23.12.2020)

2

Submitted

With a mindset shifted

And a choice insisted

An opportunity gifted

And a weight now lifted

Epitaph

Do you
ever wish
you could
just give
up?

Say
right,
that’s it,
I’ve had
enough!

I’m
done
with
all this
fucking
shit

I’m
finally
going
through
with it!

Well
I think
these
things
every
day

Those
words
to easy
for me
to say

And
so, it
seems,
my
demons
have won

For
I can
say now
I am
officially
done

(Originally Posted 13.12.2019)

0

The Urgent Sea Of Life

There’s something about

The rush of the waves

Those echoing sounds

From beyond the caves

This feels like home

To me

That sheer expanse

Of glass like water

As I stand here shaking

In awe before her

I know when I wade in

I’ll be free

Happy Place

Take me back

To the sea

For it is where

I need to be

But don’t think because

I’ve emptied my pockets

That will be

Enough to stop it

For in the end

It will just be me

Sinking down

Into the depths of the sea

(Originally Posted 10.12.2020)

2

The Sudden Calmness

They were all hoping

The blues would fade

But they were unaware

My decision was made

Rope

I know
I can’t
do this
anymore

My soul
is heavy
and my
heart
is sore

I feel
the relief
in every
pore

As I walk
along
to the
hardware
store

(Originally Posted 06.12.2019)

4

Deploy The Safety Net

Remove the paracetamol

And hide the razor blades

As I feel like shit

Again today

So you need to take the reins

The Daily Struggle

I went back to bed

Three times today

To try to dream

This pain away

Yet it didn’t work

So now I’m awake

Do I have any choice

But my life to take?

(Originally Posted 16.11.2020)

11

Left Traumatised

Not a method I would choose

In reality

As I’d care about the driver

Far more than I ever could me

The Railway Line

I
shouldn’t
need to
tell you
again

You
must
already
know

I
don’t
want to
be here
anymore

Please
just
let me
go

(Originally Posted 20.10.2020)

6

So Close

As there was no one to pull me

Back in from the ledge

It is here I remain

Drunk and in pain

Standing perilously close to the edge

A Little More

As I fall
apart
a little
more
each day

I wonder
if I’ll
always
feel
this way

How
much
lower
can I
sink?

Who will
pull me
back
from the
brink?

(Originally Posted 13.10.2019)

4

I Wasn’t Built For This

I guess I am

A misanthrope

Born as I was

Devoid of hope

Destined across

The world to mope

Forever trying

To avoid the rope

Misanthropic Me

People
never
cease to
disgust
and
disappoint
me in
equal measure

Perhaps
that’s
why my
life is
full of
discomfort
and
displeasure

(Originally Posted 09.10.2019)

2

‘You Can’t Handle The Truth’

If you were to see

Who I am inside

You would simply run

Away and hide

It’s not as though

I have ever lied

But to quell the beast

I’ve always tried

Hidden

There’s
so much
of me

You
never
see

So many
things
I do

That are
hidden
from view

I know you
won’t believe
it’s true

But it’s
my way of
protecting you

(Originally Posted 22.09.2019)

0

The Black Baccara

It can be hard to stop

And smell the roses

When you’d rather

Be six feet under them

The Black Dog

When I heard
the black dog
barking outside

I knew I had
nowhere left
to hide

When I heard
the black dog
at my door

I knew I didn’t
have the strength
to fight anymore

Now I hear
the black dog
on my shoulder

And all I feel
is relief
that it’s over

(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)

0

Bonne Idée

It would’ve been all too easy

To enact the ultimate ‘au revoir’

So just in case I was tempted

I made sure to sell my car

#8 The Optimist

This is

A message

From your favourite

Depressive

To say all

Is well with me

Here’s hoping

It lasts

That those days

Have passed

And I don’t drive

Into a tree

(Originally Posted 02.09.2021)

8

A Tough Read

I really am quite thankful

I no longer feel like this

Even though day to day

Things aren’t always okay

At least I’ve stopped thinking that shit

Shotgun

At
this
point
I’ll
try
anything

She
said

It
can’t
do any
harm

Then
you
should
take
this
one

He
said

It’ll
work
like a
charm

(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)

10

Self Torture

Back then my head

Was in such a mess

I couldn’t even wish myself

A peaceful death

Out With A Bang

What is this
stabbing pain
in my chest?

Why is it
causing me
such unrest?

Fingers
crossed it’s
a heart attack

Then I
can leave
this place

And never
come back

(Originally Posted 23.08.2019)

10

Pain Free

It was always a promise

And never a threat

I just haven’t decided

How I’ll do it, yet

Crying Wolf

Remember when I told you

I wished that I was dead

And you thought it was all

Just nonsense in my head

Well maybe now you’ll realise

You will finally get to see

The worst thing that you ever did

Was not to believe me

(Originally Posted 23.07.2021)

2

Hard Times Ahead

I sense more of this type coming

And to be honest

I’m a little afraid

Not only to reread them

But also to relive them

Knowing how I’m capable of such again

The Note

It was the lonliness

That got to me

If I’m honest

In the end

Sitting here

Just quietly

But all alone

Yet again

Desperately trying

But failing

My broken heart

To mend

And all the while

Convinced

That the rope

Was my only friend

(Originally Posted 16.06.2020)

11

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Darkest thoughts

On my darkest day

I can but hope

The worst is away

Found

Hearing
how
sad
you
would
be

Doesn’t
make
me
change
my
mind

All
it
does
is
remind
me
to
choose

A
method
that
is
kind

(Originally Posted 11.06.2020)

8

‘Standing On The Edge…’

There must be something to live for

He said

Just one reason to stick around

If there is then I can’t see it

She said

Those bastards have ground me down

Please

If this

Is all there is

Then who are you

To tell me no?

You have no idea

How hard this is

So please,

Just let me go

(Originally Posted 15.05.2019)

0

K(not) Anymore

I threw out that rope

A few weeks ago

When I cleared out the shed

Now I’ll try to forgo

My life of woe

And hope for better instead

K(not)

All
I can
say is
I live
in hope

That
one day
I will
tie that
rope

As
tightly
as I see
it in
my mind

And
all my
troubles
I’ll leave
behind

(Originally Posted 06.05.2020)

4

The Edge Of The World

It’s been a while

Since I’ve been up there

And for that I am glad

As I know next time

I climb those steps

I won’t ever be coming back

Indecision

It’s a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.

As I stand and shiver
I can’t help but think…

What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?

(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)

4

Come Time

I spend less time by the river

Nowadays

It’s not my preferred option

Anyways

Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)

7

The Restoration

It’s sad to think

I was on the brink

With thoughts so dark

Back then

At least now

I feel better, somehow

So won’t need that knife

Again

Cards On The Table

So this is
what it
amounts to

All I have
to show for
my life

Do you
know

I can’t
actually
be arsed

Please,
just pass me
the knife

(Originally Posted 26.03.2020)

11

A Simple Solution

I took the easier route,

In the end,

And just sold the car

Country Roads

I should stop driving

So late at night

Especially

On country roads

It is far too tempting

Not to press the brake

And it’s not like

I’m afraid of the dark…

(Originally Posted 15.03.2019)

15

Waking Thoughts

And so to yet

Another day

Resisting

The urge to cry

In a body

That is fighting

Hard to survive

But with a mind

That wants to die

12

Virtueless

As I walk

Into the sea

Never quite who

I wanted to be

I know that faith,

Hope and charity

All just proved

Too much for me

15

A Full Refund

Once upon a time

When I was ill

I truly believed

That this was it

I couldn’t see

Anything else for me

But another day

Drowning in shit

But now life is better

I have found

And I can finally

See a plan

So it is time

To return that rope

As quickly

As I can

7

Spare Keys

The idea really

Was never

For you to just come

And go

It was more to ensure

You could open the door

To remove my head

From inside the stove

14

Putting It Bluntly

I’ll say

I felt better

In the end

But the honest truth

Is that

The only reason

I didn’t jump

That day

Is there’d be no one

To feed my cat

47

#8 The Optimist

This is

A message

From your favourite

Depressive

To say all

Is well with me

Here’s hoping

It lasts

That those days

Have passed

And I don’t drive

Into a tree

19

Peace

It’s hard to explain what happens

When I’m standing alone up there

I’m just willing it all to end

To no longer have to care

I forget about everyone

And every little thing

It’s just me and the breeze

With the comfort it can bring

My mind is crystal clear

And I don’t hear a sound

As all of my focus is trained

On finally hitting the ground

22

I Can’t Be Arsed

Is this all there is now

Just sitting here killing time

Waiting for the next one to come along

Getting stoned and drinking wine

You see I’d rather not bother

Wasting all this time and effort

I’d prefer to end it here and now

And all my earthly ties sever

17

The Noose Tightens

Today has
been like
scratching
a brick wall

I didn’t
see this
one coming
at all

Everything
I’ve done
has made me
feel worse

I cannot
shrug this
nightmarish
curse

It feels
ridiculously
melodramatic
to say

But I
really don’t
think there’s
another way

All that
appeals
to me now
is that rope

As finally
it seems I’ve
abandoned
all hope

(Originally Posted 21.08.2019)

24

Try Harder Next Time

The monster who lives

Under my bed

Whispers again

Why aren’t you dead

Berating me

For writing instead

When all the time

That rope’s still in the shed

8

The Hangman

I really
try my
best to
cope and
not just
sit around
and mope
but as
time moves
on I
know there’s
no hope
I can
forget the
past and
avoid the
rope that
silently
whispers my
name

(Originally Posted 02.07.2019)

12

Multi Storey Car Parks

As I stand here I wonder…

Who would care, really?

Who would cry?

Who would be bothered to stop and ask why?

Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I couldn’t really go through with it though, could I?

Who would laugh?

Who would sigh?

Is it even possible from up this high?

And then I jump.

Without another care in the world,

or even so much as a goodbye.

(Originally Posted 17.06.2019)

13

Happy Place

Take me back

To the sea

For it is where

I need to be

But please don’t think

That just because

You’ve emptied my pockets

It’ll be enough to stop it

For in the end

It will just be me

Sinking deep down

Into the depths of the sea

10

Off The Hook

I’ve worked it out

How all this will end

And you’ll be pleased to know

I won’t need you, my friend

9

The Daily Struggle

I went back to bed

Three times today

To try to dream

This pain away

But it didn’t work

And now I’m awake

Do I have any choice

But my life to take?

21

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