Fifty Winks

I’ve
woken up
on the
sofa
today

Now I
feel
like
a half
shut
knife

I’ve
said it
before
and I’ll
say it
again

I
really
fucking
hate
my
life

8.05pm

I can’t
be arsed
with any
more today

I’m just
going
to go
to bed

At least
that way I
might get
some respite

From the
voices
inside
my head

Done In

There’s
only so
much I
can write

Before
I go
to sleep
tonight

My
eyes are
heavy and
overtired

My
head is
weary and
overfired

Keeping Busy

It’s been
a busy
few days

In
many
ways

But now all
my tasks are
completed

So with
nothing
left to do

I’ll soon
be thinking
of you

And how
I’ve been left
feeling cheated

God

I wish I believed.

It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.

It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.

It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.

Truly.

But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.

I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.

I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.

Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.

And I’m not sure I have the strength.

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?