I Surrender

It’s the
first
thought
I have

When
I
wake

A
desire
so
dark

My heart
starts
to
shake

As the
hour of my
certain
end draws
near

Will today
be the
day I
release
my fear?

Sunrise

I woke
up crying
again today

So much so
I struggled
to breathe

How much
longer must
I endure this?

When is
there an end
to this grief?

Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

Wednesday 11am (Pt 2)

So I managed,
in the end,
to get out of bed

And it’s been a
shitty day so far,
just as I said

So I was right,
I should never
have tried

For I’ll never
escape this
pain inside

Wednesday 2.30am (Pt 1)

I can’t even
bear the thought
of what’s to
come tomorrow

No doubt
it’ll just
be more misery
and sorrow

Perhaps I’d
be better
off staying
in bed

Then I might
just escape
these thoughts
in my head

Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

5am

Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,

Waking up is never easy.

Mornings

Mornings are the worst.

Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.

To be honest, I’d rather not bother.

But I suppose I do have bills to pay.

And I do have to feed the cat.