"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
If I spent time with my younger self, what would I say?
Well done for putting up with this bullshit every day
If I spent time with my younger self, what would I see?
A weary acceptance that life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
If I spent time with my younger self, what would I feel?
An overwhelming sadness that time will never heal
If I spent time with my younger self, what would I do?
Tell them to pack a bag and run away with you
(Originally Posted 24.07.2019)
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.
I was happy just to see you.
Being in the same building as you again sent chills
down my spine and welled tears in my eyes.
I had recognised your presence and then let it go.
Like always.
But you took it further, this time.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.
I could not believe what was happening.
My foolish response - 'Wow, you know my name' -
swirling in the air around us,
choking me with its embarrassment.
You smiled your vacant smile.
You muttered something and walked away.
Words cannot describe how I felt.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.
It made it all seem worthwhile.
The years of following you. The years of obsession.
You spoke to me.
I had to get another drink and light a cigarette.
So, I noticed, did you.
When you spoke to me that second time,
I don't think I was present.
I had seen you walking in my direction,
but I had ceased to exist.
You said 'I see you all the time at parties,
but I never get a chance to talk to you'.
I drowned in the ecstasy of your words,
and further still when you said 'See you soon'.
Those three words gave me so much hope.
Hope I never had before.
Not even after the notes...
For the rest of the night I watched you, watching me.
At least I pretended not to watch you,
pretending not to watch me.
But I was so happy. Elated in fact.
You had spoken to me without being forced.
You said my full name without being told what it was.
You looked at me.
When you left the room, and I watched you go,
you didn't just take your pretty little head with you.
You took a piece of me too.
A piece of me that will be with you always,
and lost to me...
Forever.
For MR
(Originally Posted 03/03/2019)
That summer with you was glorious.
I was young, fearless and eager to learn.
You were older, wiser and willing to teach.
I can still recall that first night. You grabbed my hand and whispered ‘Come with me’.
We sailed past the doormen and into the club. I remember that heady mix of beer in plastic glasses, cigarette smoke and pounding bass lines in darkened alcoves.
We danced all night as those songs played and we lost ourselves in each other.
That summer was twenty two years ago, but it feels like it was yesterday.
Thank You.
For JH.
(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)
It broke your heart
But soothed my soul
So one day I know
I’ll pay the toll
‘Lost it to Bostik, yeah’
When
I picture
my
youth
I see
you
and
me
Sitting
beneath
that old
oak tree
You
reading
a book
My
head
on your
shoulder
Both
of us
hoping
The
other
is
bolder
All of
those
hoursSat in
your
roomBoth
of us
wallflowersBathed
in gloom
When I
think back
I realise
that I
lost myself
way before
I lost you
As the
days go on
I guess
we’ll see
If I can
go back
to the person
I used to be
Drink his vodka?
I wouldn't lower myself.
'Manipulative Bitch'
I think we should stop seeing each other.
I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong and we are going to get found out. I feel so much guilt about what we’ve been doing – it’s not fair on her, you or me. It’s not right that we have to keep our relationship a secret. It means I cannot let you get close to me and you deserve more than that. You need someone who can show off what a brilliant guy you are. Not someone who has to hide you away. Like me.
I want you to know that the times we have shared have been really special to me. I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with you and that’s what makes this so much harder. But it has to be done. Although it kills me to say it: we cannot carry on. I love you with all my heart but putting an end to this now will be the best thing for us both in the long run.
I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll treasure the memories of our clandestine meetings forever.
Please don’t forget me. I know I’ll never forget you.
I’m sorry.
Sitting on a wall with Judas dressed in cricket whites
I guess we'll never know
19.06.1997
Who knows why I do these things.
Even I don't know why I do these things!
I know they are stupid, pathetic and immature.
And yet I still do them.
I ruin peoples lives.
I fuck up people's lives because my life is fucked up too.
It's like a revenge I love to wreak, but feel guilty about,
later. When it's over.
I just don't understand myself.
I make these things happen.
I lure people into my trap, spit them out
and then ignore the consequences.
Sometimes I wonder why I drink too much, smoke too much
and delve into substance abuse...
It's to cheat myself from the truth.
I am a fuck up.
I am a fuck up who fucks up other people's lives,
just for the fucking sake of it.
You have no idea how bored I have become.
Of fucking that is.
