Month: Mar 2019

2am

I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt

I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng

I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only

I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail

I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
0

The First

It's deeply distressing when you realise those close to you 
don't know you at all.

I mean I understand.
I put up walls.
Thick granite walls.
Very few people have the strength to break them down.

I'll never trust anyone ever again.
I'll never trust myself ever again.

Delete.
 
0

Fuck You

Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck
6

‘7 months on’

I'm not sure what's worse.
Not knowing, or knowing that I could have known
but was too scared to find out.

If only I wasn't so fucking awkward, 
I would know now.
I wouldn't feel the way I do, 
thinking every day 'what if?'

I'm sure you've moved on,
but I haven't.
I'm sure it meant nothing to you in the first place,
but it did to me.
I'm sure you don't even care anyway,
but I do.

I want to find out.
I want to know.
But I don't know what to do.

Please let me know how. 
Now.
0

Friday 29th September 2000

It's been a month now since I moved in with you
and I have never been happier.
Truly.

I know now I love you.
For all the good and all the bad - I love you.
I love being near you,
being around you, 
and just having conversations with you.

I love looking after you, 
making sure you are okay, 
and that you are safe in your head and in your heart.
That you can face the day with a smile.
That is what you do for me, after all.

Whatever happens from now on, 
I know I will always love you.
I will always want to be with you, 
bicker with you and watch TV with you, 
drink tea with you and sleep next to you.

Just knowing you are there with me is enough.
Just knowing you love me 'a bit' will be enough.

Only I know how much I love you.
I just hope one day you will feel the same.
I hope, with all my heart and soul, that you do already.

I don't think I've cried this month ... at all.

xxx
0

She

She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles

She wonders if you are the one
The one who she can allow those feelings for again

She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles

She knows 
It's pointless
0

Loving You…

feels like I've been thrown into the Loch, 
the freezing water sucking me down,
with no one on dry land to throw me a lifeline.
0

Long Distance Train Journeys

They say you don't know what you have got until it's gone.
And what they say is true.
I understand that now.
Now it's over.

Mind, I never really had you in the first place did I?
It was never official.
It was never a proper relationship.
It was just sex.
Mad, passionate, glorious sex.
Maybe it is my fault.
Maybe I don't take life 'seriously enough'.

All I know is that at 4.08pm my train will leave Central Station
and you will be in Cambuslang.

And I'm going to miss these last seven weeks forever.

xxx 
0

‘Natural Entities’

The rain lashes down remorselessly.
Pelting, splashing, bouncing upwards towards the sky.

The thunder rumbles angrily.
Crashing, reverberating, making its presence felt.

The lightning cracks fearfully,
Illuminating the sky in a cinematic silhouette.

I look out of the window and all is calm.
I realise this tempest exists only in my heart. 
4

A Poem from Myself to Myself

Sitting here alone
Silence all around
Can't wait to go to sleep again
Where solace can be found

Gazing up at the pale blue sky
Watching the world go round
Wondering what is kept up there
And why I'm stuck on the ground

Ambivalence haunts all of my dreams
A victim of this I have found
Can't have been waiting in the queue
When the valium was handed around

Lying still in the dead of night
Quaking at every sound
Fate twisting it's evil knife
My emotions forced into the ground

It hurts to see myself like this
My thoughts all tied and bound
But when I can no longer laugh
That's when my life shall end

The Queen is Dead, boys
She is no longer crowned
0

‘Of Course…’

There was, of course, a time 
when I wouldn't let this happen.
There was, of course, a time 
when I'd have pulled myself out of this
mess and just got on with it.

But not now.
Now I feel different.
I've lost the need, the sense of urgency.
I'm not even worried if it doesn't come back.
I've given up hoping it will any more.

Although I know I can't carry on like this.
And honestly, I don't want to.
To get out of this shithole I've got to work.

And there is, of course, only so much daytime TV 
you can watch.

 

0

When…

When you are misunderstood is when you are alone.
When you are alone is when you have no one to talk to.
When you have no one to talk to is when you are silenced.
When you are silenced is when you suffer.
When you suffer is when you cry.
When you cry is when you are in pain
When you are in pain is when you erase yourself.
When you erase yourself is when you cease to exist.
When you cease to exist is when you are dead.
When you are dead is when you are happy.

When you are happy is when you are dead.  
0

Driving Home from Campsie

When you drive down from the deep and darkened hills,
you can see the city lights shining.
You can feel them.
She draws you in with infectious breath.
She implores you to enter her.
You want to be with her.
You can't imagine a life without her.

Only in the deep and darkened hills...
0

I(d)

Who knows why I do these things.
Even I don't know why I do these things!
I know they are stupid, pathetic and immature.
And yet I still do them.

I ruin peoples lives.
I fuck up people's lives because my life is fucked up too.
It's like a revenge I love to wreak, but feel guilty about, 
later. When it's over.

I just don't understand myself.
I make these things happen.
I lure people into my trap, spit them out 
and then ignore the consequences.
Sometimes I wonder why I drink too much, smoke too much
and delve into substance abuse...

It's to cheat myself from the truth.

I am a fuck up.
I am a fuck up who fucks up other people's lives,
just for the fucking sake of it.

You have no idea how bored I have become.
Of fucking that is.

2

You

You make me feel like I could jump from the top of the world…

…and still survive

0

Pubs, Clubs and Other Establishments

It is strange.
You are told that when these things happen, you'll just know.
You won't be able to catch your breath, 
your stomach will be in knots 
and a thunderbolt will fly through the sky.
But it doesn't ... it didn't.
It is strange.

It is not that you are particularly handsome - you are not.
But it's the way you make me feel.
You make me laugh.
You make me smile.
I look forward to seeing you.
I look forward to you coming to see me.

But I know there is no future in it.
It will not go anywhere.

I want the thunderbolt.
I need it.
 

 

0

Je Suis Morte

I've been here so many, many times before
I'm just fucking bored now.
Bored with the fucking lot of it.
It's pointless now.
Not that there ever was a point, obviously.

Je Suis Morte.
I Fucking Wish.
0

India

I don't have the strength to write anymore...
And you think packing me off to India will help?

I don't know why I'm crying anymore...
And you think packing me off to India will help?

You sad, deluded, unfortunates. 
0

Lost

Lost.
Can't get out,
Can't see,
Can't feel.

Lost.
Don't want to be here,
What's my problem?
Take me away.

Lost.
Give me a break,
Can't reach out,
Caught kissing with my mouth full.

Lost.
Fell for you,
My words are slurred,
Why am I so helpless?

Lost. 
Where did all the time go?
Who am I?

I feel ill. 
0

The Stranger

The Stranger.
Gets into people's minds.
One of the children.
Where would they take him?
What does he want?
0

After watching ‘Rebel’

Why did you leave me here?
Here alone to fend for myself?

Why couldn't you have stayed to comfort me through the years we both had left on this planet?
 
You were the only one who ever understood me.
You were the only one I could ever understand.
I loved you, I still love you,
but I can't ever forgive you for leaving me.

Discarding me like an expired bus pass.
That's all I was to you.
A ticket you used to transport you to your next destination.

We could have been so good together Jimmy, but you walked out on me.
And I'll never forgive you for that.

'Mum, Dad, a boy was killed tonight'.
 
0

Musings on a Song

We are so close but so far away

You are listening and so am I
You remember and so do I

If only things were different
But they never could be

No-one is that lucky

'It is what it is' 

After all
0

‘There is a place…’

Somewhere, far away, there is a place.
A place where we are free,
free of the ties that bind.
Somewhere, far away, there is a place.
A place safe from other humankind.

This place is a happy place.
The birds sing peacefully in the trees.
This place is a tranquil place.
Warm air floats on the breeze.

You can sit alone in this place and watch the world go by.
This is no reminder, in this place, 
of the world you've left behind.

I want to go to this place.  
I want to see it.
I want to feel happiness. 
I want to feel it.
0

K.P

Although I miss you day by day,
My hatred for you grows.

I think of you in every way,
But can't convey my woes.

I think of all the things you've done 
And anger burns inside.

I think of all the laughs and fun,
From these truths I cannot hide.

You hurt me so much year after year,
But I still went back for more.

Now I shall now longer shed a tear,
You pathetic little whore.

I hope you die a prolonged death,
to punish you for wickedness.

2

THEM

You attempt to tell them, but they won't listen.
You try to explain, but they can't understand.
You try to express yourself, but they dismiss you as mad.
You shout and you scream and you feel like crying,
But still they don't listen.

Every word you say is laughed at or brushed aside.
They can't understand you.
They've never been there.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you throw something at them
with the intent to prod or provoke.
And it does.
But only for a second.

Then they revert back to their normal selves, 
and walk away.
 
0

For Ravi

Love...
What does it mean exactly?

Is it the forbidden pursued by the insatiable?
Or the obscure followed by adulation?

It can be doused with disinclination,
Or drip with dejection.

It can feel heavy with its honesty,
And excite with its excellence.

But we must remember it is not tangible.
And it is not changeable.

It just happens,
And we just have to live with that.

Otherwise we'd drive ourselves insane.
0

Up ↑