"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I don’t know why
I got carried away
I only smiled
That one day
It’s not like my sadness
Can fade to grey
As this black cloud
Is here to stay
‘A Little Peculiar’
Something happened this morning
When I sat up in my bed
I found that instead of yawning
I actually smiled instead
(Originally Posted 10.08.2020)
Nature versus nurture
That is the great debate
Was I born a pessimist
Or did it find me late?
I suppose it doesn’t matter
However it came to be
As the cynic is now embedded
In my personality
Mythbusting
If
life is
funny
sometimes
Then
why
can’t
I contain
my laughter
It’s the
same as
all that
bullshit
they say
About
living
happily
ever
after
(Originally Posted 01.08.2020)
There is no update for this one
Nothing further to remark
Other than to say
I have felt this way
Pretty much from the start
Outline In Chalk
Here
I lie
Despite
my wealth
Murdered
By my
mental
health
(Originally Posted 30.07.2020)
I was pretending
So much back then
I should have known
Things would soon go tits up
In fact I’m amazed
Given how I behaved
No one thought to lock me up
Apathy & Deception
How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?
Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?
(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)
I really wasn’t well, was I?
Looking back at this
It’s just silo strange, because I
Didn’t realise anything was amiss
The Drudgery
Another
day spent
trudging
through
the
sludge
of life
still
refusing
to budge
forever
trying to
avoid the
judgement
of those
who secretly
hold a
grudge
against me
(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)
I have searched
High and low
Over sea
And underground
So please believe me
When I say
There’s still nary a fuck
To be found
Pretty Sure
I’ll look again,
if you like,
but I’m pretty
sure there’s none.
Fun, happiness,
joy, laughter,
I’m pretty sure
they’ve gone.
(Originally Posted 25.07.2019)
Some people
Are built to sleep
Of that
I’m pretty much certain
But for those like me
With anxiety
Insomnia
Is just another burden
Just Because I’m Yawning, Doesn’t Mean I’m Tired
The restlessness
has started
Yet sleep refuses
to advance
Body and soul
have departed
While I’m being led
a merry dance
(Originally Posted 18.07.2019)
So I’m back
home now,
after that
shit show
Only two
more days
of pretending
to go
Then it’s
the weekend,
so I’ll be free
to lament
And avoid
all people,
to my hearts
content
Wednesday 2.30am (Pt 1)
I can’t even
bear the thought
of what’s to
come tomorrow
No doubt
it’ll just be
more misery
and sorrow
Perhaps I’d
be better
off staying
in bed
Then I might
just escape
the thoughts
in my head
(Originally Posted 17.07.2019)
Wednesday 11am (Pt 2)
So I managed,
in the end,
to get out of bed
And it’s been
shit so far,
just as I predicted
It seems I was right,
I should never
have tried
For I’ll never
escape this
pain inside
(Originally Posted 17.07.2019)
There
were
times,
back
then,
When
I just
wasn’t
worth
it
Water
It’s
amazing
the
difference
a shower
can make
Inside
and
out…
(Originally Posted 16.07.2019)
I hope never again
To find myself
Walking along this path
I’ve been through such a lot
That I’m pretty much shot
So I doubt I would make it back
Depression (Part 2)
Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink a shit load of booze
Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore
Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed
Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known
(Originally Posted 15.07.2019)
I really hadn’t
Given much thought
To how hard
Life would be
Alone
The constant struggle
In this suffocating bubble
And all so far away
From home
A Tale Of Two Cities
I really don’t want to leave
But I know that I can’t stay
Though I’ll be alone
Wherever I go
So I’m screwed either way
(Originally Posted 05.07.2019)
Quite a subtle reference here
To a drug I’ve seen
But never taken
I’ve just always known
Being dependence prone
That beast never to awaken
Need(le)
I
need
you
here
Please
come
and
save
me
I
need
to
feel
The
love
you
gave
me
(Originally Posted 01.07.2020)
Yet as the sun came out
Last summer
The glue I’d used soon melted
So whatever I felt back then
Didn’t start a trend
Or conclude as well as projected
Out Of The Blue
I woke up with a smile
Today
All the bad feeling
Had gone away
It actually felt
Like it was the start
Of gluing back together
My broken heart
(Originally Posted 30.06.2021)
I’ve always been drawn
To water
Knowing it’s nearby
Is very relaxing
There’s been many a time
It has calmed my mind
And saved me
From fully collapsing
Down By The River
It’s so peaceful here.
Quiet. Serene.
If only the incessant chatter in my head would quieten down,
I might just be able to enjoy it.
(Originally Posted 29.06.2019)
As
life
continues
To slip
through
my fingers
Here
I stand,
still
As the
sadness
lingers
Tinged With Sadness
In
amongst
all of
this
madness
Here
I stand
Heart
tinged
with
sadness
(Originally Posted 24.06.2020)
Put lavender on your pillow
He said
Or drink some chamomile tea
I’ve tried every pill know to man
She said
So I doubt they’ll work for me
In The North
It never quite gets dark
This time of year
Which makes the sky so pretty
But when you’re already
Struggling to sleep
It is also kinda shitty
(Originally Posted 20.06.2021)
If this one doesn’t work
He said
I can always prescribe another
If this one doesn’t work
She said
You’d better run for cover
For I have had enough
She said
Of being given pills to chew
I completely understand
He said
But there’s little else I can do
‘Not Another Day…’
Another
day
Another
pill
Will
this
one
make
me
Feel
less
ill?
(Originally Posted 18.06.2020)
Hoping this pill proves fruitful
That it will work as designed
So I swallow another scoopful
To quiet the chaos in my mind
Five A Day
An
apple
a day
may
keep
the
doctor
away.
But
it’s a
pill
at night
that makes
me feel
alright.
(Originally Posted 12.06.2019)
To
patch
it up
But
alas
it seems
I was
out of
luck
The Life Raft
Full
of
holes
As
it
rocks
Against
the
shoals
(Originally Posted 04.06.2020)
Whatever you say
Won’t hurt me
For when it comes
To my mental health
There is nothing that
I am better at
Than flagellating
Myself
Plus Ça Change
So
this
is
it
Lying
in bed
all day
again
Wine
and
cigarettes
my only
friend
I’m so
bored
of this
shit
I
could
make
myself
sick
I
really
am
nothing
But a
nauseating
prick
(Originally Posted 02.06.2020)
I may excel
At many things
But to my eternal dismay
I know fine well
That sleep, it seems,
Will never be quite my forte
The Dream Catcher
Bad thoughts creep
As I’m without sleep
For yet another night
Fears won’t keep
Whilst I lie and weep
Losing the will to fight
(Originally Posted 01.06.2020)
I spent much of 2020
In a drug induced dwam
I found the only way
To cope with each day
Was to eat diazepam
Going Over
And
then
it
hits
Like
a ton
of
bricks
And
I don’t
feel a
thing
(Originally Posted 29.05.2020)
So I’m hearing you say you feel empty
He said
Could you expand further on this
Haven’t you heard enough
She said
To put an end to this bullshit
Such A Cliché
I don’t
know if
you’re
aware
She
said
But
I’ve
been
feeling
rather
down
Let me
fetch my
notebook
He
said
Reaching
forward
with a
frown
(Originally Posted 26.05.2020)
Maybe it wasn’t a prison
But it certainly felt like it
I’d do anything not to go back there
Even if that means faking it
Climbing The Walls
Let
me
out
She
said
You
cannot
keep me
here
I
think
you’ll
find we
can
He
said
The
law is
very
clear
(Originally Posted 21.05.2020)
I said this out loud
Believe it or not
Once, in a hospital
That time forgot
Back then I was sick
And definitely tired
As all my issues
Felt pretty hard wired
The poor therapist
Didn’t know where to look
As she scribbled about me
In her hard backed book
The room fell silent
Apart from one boy
Who looked up and smiled
And I jumped for joy
Someone finally understood me
Somebody else felt my pain
So we went and smoked cigarettes
Until group therapy started again
Group Therapy
I’m
glad
you
find
it
helpful
But I
certainly
do not
What’s
the
point
in
telling
tales
When
you’ve
already
lost
the
plot?
(Originally Posted 19.05.2020)
Like a constant stream
From the mouth that feeds
Life has me bound
And on my knees
Never-Ending
Another minute
Another hour
Another day
Another shower
Of shite
(Originally Posted 16.05.2020)
If it’s not monsters
It’s mermaids
As that’s how it is manic depression
Life is laborious
Or it’s glorious
With very little in the way of progression
Monsters
They are always there,
Gnawing away at my brain.
One day I will kill them,
And I shall smile again.
(Originally Posted 14.05.2019)
Only a year ago
This one
And still no better than when I started
Sometimes I fear
There’ll never be an end
To feeling so broken hearted
The End Of The Road
Pretending gets tiring
After a while
So in the end you stop
With no cylinders left firing
And an inibility to smile
It’s back up to that rooftop
(Originally Posted 13.05.2021)
It never ceases to amaze me
How blunt I was back then
It’s so clear to see
I wasn’t well, mentally,
When I read this one again
Another Day…
Another day of pretence dawns,
And my heart is full of dread.
Another chasm in my mind yawns,
And I wish that I was dead.
(Originally Posted 09.05.2019)
I haven’t had this dream
For a while now
But I know that I am not free
For to be confined
By what’s inside my mind
Will be my destiny
Night Terrors (Part 1)
I sense you,
stalking me from behind.
I won’t let you win.
I see you,
prowling outside my window.
I won’t let you in.
I hear you,
scratching at my door.
I won’t let you win.
I feel you,
gnawing on my bones.
How did you get in?
(Originally Posted 08.05.2019)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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