"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
When he died
And you’d nothing left
How did you deal
With the emptiness?
I filled it up
With pills and gin
In the vainest of hopes
I could forget him
And did you find
That it worked
They helped wash away
The pain and hurt
Some days did feel
Like less of a chore
But, in the end, the grief
Got too big to ignore
I remember the day
We got the keys
Thinking the rest
Would be a breeze
But now I sit and rot
All alone
In what should have been
Our forever home
It seems
The inevitable
Has happened
And I have finally
Gone mad
As I’m starting
To forget
The good things
Instead
Of just the bad
When I saw him
Again today
All of that pain
Was washed away
Until I realised
It wasn’t him
And my heart, once more,
Cracked
From within
I always knew
He’d break my heart
And in the end
He did
Not because
He’d never wed
But since I’m here
And he is dead
Do you ever miss him?
All the time, she said
Each night I cry
Screaming “why?”
As I lay down
In our bed
Do you ever miss him?
Never once, she said
The second he’d gone
I just moved on
To someone else
Instead
There's no need
For you
To feel bad
To worry,
Or to fret
It's not like
You're "reminding me"
Because I
Could never forget
I’ll never forget
You sat with me
When I was as sad
As sad could be
And even though
You didn’t agree
You just let me talk
And made me tea
It really does
Beggar belief
How much
There is
To learn
About grief
I know
That we
Have
Hardly
Spoken
But my
Insides
Are now
Broken
And what
Is left
Merely
A token
Of the
Woman
I used to be
The dead
Of night
Is always
The worst
That’s when
The silence
Really hurts
It fucked me up
That much is true
But the lonliness
Was nothing new
I clear the table
But leave your plate
Telling myself
You’re just running late
Over
And over again
It never ceases to amaze me
How quickly the tears can flow
At some moment of nostalgia
Or sentimental TV show
I guess it’s just indicative
Of how most days I can deal
But just beneath the surface
Lurks a trauma yet to heal
I remembered what
It was like today
Back when that pain
Gnawed away
When his death broke me
To the sum of my parts
And my mental health
Was off the charts
And although with her
I did empathise
I couldn’t be false
Or tell her lies
So I whispered the truth
As I’ve come to accept it
Although time does heal
It can never correct it
It's like now
He's gone
We're missing
The glue
And the bond
Is broken
Between me
And you
The longer I live
With a broken heart
The more I think dying
Was the easier part
I’ve found if you socialise enough
Sometimes, it actually works
Then it’s only when
You’re alone again
That it really fucking hurts
From over the hills
And far away
Your spirit calls me
Every day
I know
What they say
But it’s simply
Not true
Because at the end
Of the day
There’s no one
Like you
It’s not
Just what
It took
From you
But it’s what
Was robbed
From me too
I just can’t seem
To complete a task
However big,
Or small
I guess what once meant
Everything to me
Now means nothing
At all
Imprint those times
On your mind
As it won’t be long
Before you find
What you remember
When they’re dead
Is the all pointless
Shit instead
Time may heal
But it kills too
I know that now,
Without you
I did my best
At the time
Sacrificing
Your sanity
By protecting mine
Dealing with loss is hard
He said
Thinking that he’d really tried
It’s not like I lost him
She said
He actually fucking died
I used to be nice
I used to be kind
Then something happened
That changed my mind
Now I’m angry
Now I’m mean
With very little left
In-between
And so it falls
Another New Year’s Day
Yet this feeling of loss
Never fades away
Most of the time
I do quite wells
Smile on my face
Everything swell
But when those tears
Decide to fall
The reality is
There’s fuck all
I can do
To save myself
From drowning
Around the coast
And to the beach
To scratch an itch
Nothing else can reach
Why should they rememeber
He said
Every year
When you never even talk
About him here
Well, it’s not like they cared
She said
In the first fucking place
Back when the pain was still written
All over my face
Love him while
You still can
As the hands of death
Wait for no man
From the corner
Of my eye
I see you
Sitting there
Her head resting
On your thigh
Your fingers
Stroking her hair
I remember those days
My head touching his
When my heart
Would do nothing but flip
Yet all I feel now
Seeing such bliss
Is the overwhelming urge
To be sick
I don’t know if I
Can see this through
As it’s all so empty
Without you
When we said
Goodbye that day
We didn’t know
It would be
Forever
And yet
I’m left
Here alone
With only
Our memories
To treasure
Not only
She said
Do I miss you
But on days
Like this
I miss me too
I saw you sit
At the platform today
And I cried as my train
Pulled away
You will never be forgiven
For what you took from me
Not just my only lover
But my whole identity
And even though you did it
A near whole five years ago
I am yet to fully recover
Or let my seething anger go
When those bands
Of old
Don’t speak to you
And the comfort
Of music
Is gone
It won’t matter
Where
Because
I’ll be there
To help you
Carry on
Perhaps I should climb
A mountain
Or sail off
On a round the cruise
Anything to relieve
This having to grieve
After all,
What have I got to lose?
‘I Could Be Wrong / I Could Be Right…’
The
pressure
is on
to find
meaning
In
this so
called
life of
mine
But
I just
can’t
help but
feeling
That
it’s a
total
waste
of time
(Originally Posted 27.02.2020)
Now it’s just over
Four years for me
And although
I’ve learned a lot
I still couldn’t claim
I know enough to explain
Or even to give it
A decent shot
Bereavement
Just
when
I think
I’ve got
no tears
left
They
fall
down
my
face
again
Why
the fuck
didn’t
someone
tell
me
How
to
prepare
for all
this
pain
(Originally Posted 19.02.2020)
How I remember
Feeling this way
That nothing again
Would be OK
But now I’ve got
Some feeling back
I see a glimmer of hope
Through the crack
Grieving
Are you
sure it’s
gone
He
said
What
about
love
Compassion?
Make
no
mistake
She
said
I’ve
lost
it all
Her
face,
as it was,
ashen
(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)
I know your heart’s
In the right place
And that deep down
You mean well
But your good intentions
Mean nothing
While I’m trapped
In this hell
Two Cents Worth
It will get better with time
They lied
Before my tears
Had even dried
(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)
At least when it all
Happened to me
I had what I’d call
The luxury
Of only having myself
To pull through this shit
And not have any kids
To help cope with it
Inconceivable
Mind
racing
Legs
pacing
Sheer
disbelief
At what
you’re
facing
(Originally Posted 12.02.2020)
So much changes
When your partner dies
Infinitely more
Than you would ever realise
Soul Bar(e)ing
I mourn
the loss
of us
Even more
than the
loss of
you
(Originally Posted 23.01.2020)
I know you don’t want to hear it
But you can’t run before you can walk
There is no way to beat it
So it’s best to just sit down and talk
Cheats Never Prosper
If there is one thing
I have learned
It’s that you cannot skip
The stages
Even if that means
Moving forward
Feels like it’s taking
Fucking ages
If you jump
Too far forward
You’ll only fall
Further back
And all you’re doing
Is storing your pain
For further
Down the track
(Originally Posted 23.01.2021)
I can get through
Most days now
Without crying
Over you
But sometimes it hits
Like a ton of bricks
And there is nothing
I can do
Recurring
The tears I cried
When you died
Will never fully dry
For with each day
Dawns a new array
Of pain I can’t deny
Xxx
(Originally Posted 22.01.2021)
You think that when
Someone dies
It’s the big things
That you’ll miss
But what causes pain
To grieving brain
Is missing the small things
That they did
Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
I can’t
even
change
The time
on the
oven
It’s just
one more
thing
I have
discovered
Since
you’ve
gone
(Originally Posted 04.01.2020)
All those years
Spent with you
Silently
Being driven mad
But there’s no denying
(So it’s pointless trying)
That they were the best
I’ve ever had
Taking Things For Granted
I always
thought
being
with you
was hell
Seems
the boredom
of being
without you
is worse
Xxx
(Originally Posted 03.01.2022)
I know you put
A brave face on
I know as I did it
Myself
Not just because
You’re thinking of others
But more to protect
Yourself
Are You Okay?
I want to ask
But I’m far too scared
For I already know
As into those depths
I’ve stared
(Originally Posted 02.01.2020)
It’ll most likely be
Like the last four
Wondering what the fuck
I stuck around for
20/20
However
will I
make it
through
Another
year
without
you?
(Originally Posted 31.12.2019)
Grief affects everyone
In many different ways
Yet some among us
Prove lucky enough
To escape the daily malaise
Poles Apart
I still cry myself to sleep
Not that you’d know
You selfish creep
You think because
We all lost him
That we both feel the same
But you haven’t got
A fucking clue
Of how I live each day in pain
(Originally Posted 30.12.2020)
Of course I remember
How it feels
Down to the very last letter
But it wouldn’t matter
What I tried
Nothing can make it better
Utterly Helpless
I really wish
I could do more
Like pick you up
from the bathroom floor
Hug you when
your heart is breaking
Give you comfort
when your bones are aching
But for as much as
your pain to me is known
This is a journey
you must walk alone
(Originally Posted 27.12.2019)
There was nothing else
That I could do
Nothing else
That I could say
Other than
To remind them all
That it’s just
Another day
Brutal Honesty
I wish
I could
take
Your
pain
away
Tell
you
everything
Will
be
okay
But
I know
the truth
It
doesn’t
get
better
When
what
you had
Is lost
forever
(Originally Posted 27.12.2019)
It’s the time of year
Again
For that age old
Platitude
The one I’m expected
To receive
With a kindly
Gratitude
“It must be hard for you”
They say
“Especially at this time of year”
I want
To say
It’s hard
Every day
But that’s not
What they want to hear
Who The Fuck Are ‘They’ Anyway?
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
(Originally Posted 22.12.2021)
I’m not sure
Who suffers more
Those who are
Oblivious
Or those who know
What’s in store
Identity Crisis
In
some
ways
losing
myself
has
been
harder
than
losing
you
(Originally Posted 22.12.2019)
Never
Do I feel this more
Than each time I walk
Through that door
Sown Up
I don’t feel better.
I haven’t forgotten.
I’ve just stopped telling you,
How I feel.
(Originally Posted 15.12.2020)
Reading this one back again
I feel so sorry for her
Clearly she lost more,
When he died,
Than her words could ever infer
I Can’t Bring You Back Though, Can I?
I can look at your photo
I can whisper your name
I can press your shirt
Against my face
But nothing feels the same
(Originally Posted 11.12.2020)
I gave away
Your boots today
To a charity shop
For next time I know
I’ll be walking alone
All along that rugged hilltop
Gone For Good
What I have lost
Can’t be replaced
For our footsteps
Can’t be retraced
(Originally Posted 10.12.2019)
I thought having sex with strangers
Would get him out of my head
And though it filled a hole
That wasn’t my goal
So now it’s back to my own bed
Going Too Far
Lying
here
alone
In
this
strange
bed
Wondering
what the
fuck
Was
in my
head
Now I
must
ignore
This
feeling
of dread
And
stop
wishing
that I’d
Stayed
home
instead
(Originally Posted 07.12.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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