Category: Grieving

A Hard Week

Now that
the darkness
has descended

All my
happiness
has ended

Deep into
my soul
I have delved

And all
future plans
I have shelved

8

That Day

I’m scared
of what
that day
will bring,

As I
know it’s
approaching
fast.

Even if
it’s the
start of
my future,

There’s no
way of
forgetting
my past.

8

Lovers Reunited

If I
can’t have
the one
that’s gone
then I’ll
just wait
out here,
alone,
until there
is an end
to this pain
and our
hearts can
beat together
again

2

Left

I
missed you
again today

Everyone
else had
gone away

And it was
just me
here alone

Crying for
the love
I had once
known

9

New Life

I’m still
nowhere
near the
same she
said

Something
inside me has
permanently
changed

I can no
longer
play
your game
she said

Unless a
new life
can be
arranged

5

Aspirations

Off on
my travels
again

Hoping to
find some
peace

Perhaps I’ll
meet someone
new

And this
heartache will
cease

0

Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

6

Not Today

No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.

Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.

4

Week 34

You all think
I’ve forgotten,
but you
have no idea.

I could never
be that tasteless,
or so fucking
insincere.

6

The Struggle

When you see me, you see the finished article.

Washed, dressed, hair in place, make up on and a smile on my face.

But you don’t see what it takes to get there.

You don’t see me trying to muster the strength to open my eyes in the morning.

You don’t see me forcing my weary bones out of bed.

You don’t see me berating myself as I sob in the shower.

You don’t see me looking in the mirror as I question whether or not today is the day.

You don’t see me wracked with indecision on what to wear.

You don’t see me soothing my pain as I twist and pull out my hair.

You don’t see me apply make up in the hope it makes me disappear.

You don’t see me riddled with anxiety as I lurk in the doorway.

You don’t see me breathing deeply before finally pushing open the office door.

When you see me, you see the finished article.

But just because you don’t see the struggle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Just because you see me smile, it doesn’t mean it’s real.

How I look, is not how I feel.

18

Leftovers

A weary,
confused mind.

A hollow,
empty heart.

As bleak as it is,
it’s all I have.

As my life has
fallen apart.

0

Dwelling

Pain helps, momentarily.

It provides a fleeting relief.

Then the numbness returns.

And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.

0

The Office

Momentory conversations

With temporary people

Sharing fleeting emotions

Providing non-permanent relief

0

Incurable

Grief is like
an incurable
disease.

Taunting
your
thoughts.

Decimating
your
desire.

Liquidating
your
love.

6

Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

0

How Are You?

It’s easier to say I’m alright, rather then I’m anxious.

It’s easier to say I’m okay, rather than I’m outraged.

It’s easier to say I’m better, rather than I’m broken.

It’s easier to say I’m good, rather than I’m grieving.

It’s easier to say I’m well, rather than I’m wasted.

It’s easier to say I’m fine, rather than I’m fucked.

0

At All

I reach
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
the abyss
I fall.

I search
for your face,
but no one cares,
and it’s like you
were never here
at all.

0

5am

Stomach lurching,
Bones aching,
Head pounding,
Heart breaking,

Waking up is never easy.

0

The Corner of My Eye

I thought I saw you today.

Twice.

The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.

The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.

It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.

And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.

And I cried again today.

Twice.

6

A Thousand Years

Honestly,
I could wait
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
be too tough.

Honestly,
I could sleep
for a
thousand years
and it
would never
be enough.

Honestly,
I could cry
for a
thousand years
and it
would still
hurt too much.

0

Conversations with Idiots

‘It’s better
to have
loved and lost
than never to
have loved
at all’

‘You really
should just
shut your mouth
as, honestly,
you know
fuck all’

0

Mine

I don’t want to ‘talk’ about it.

I don’t want to ‘express’ it.

I don’t want to ‘let it out’.

I want to keep this part for me.

A part that’s private.

A part that’s mine and mine alone.

As it should be.

I didn’t share my love and I refuse to share my grief.

So just piss off, the lot of you.

0

Grey Days

I love
walking
on grey days.

The raindrops
land on my face
and mingle with
my tears,

Hiding them
from prying
eyes.

0

Never Stop

If I turn on the tap,
it’ll never stop flowing.

If I turn on the rage,
it’ll never stop glowing.

If I turn on my mind,
it’ll never stop knowing.

If I turn on my grief,
it’ll never stop showing.

It will never stop,
this seed I am sewing.

0

An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
The pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
Choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
If you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
The pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.

4

Bank Holidays

Days off
are always
difficult.

There’s
so much more
time to fill,
without you.

So many
memories
of what we
used to do.

I’d rather
be at
work.

At least
there, I
get paid
to be
miserable.

0

All Surface, No Meaning

When you died,
My world stopped turning.

When you took your last breath,
My life became meaningless.

As the ongoing battle towards my own death continues,
I’m numb to everything and everyone.

I trudge along…

Feigning my interest,
Forging my desire,
Faking my love.

8

Reminders

It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.

The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.

When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.

My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.

My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.

And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.

0

Every Day

Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.

Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.

Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.

Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.

0

For You

I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.

I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.

I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.

0

NFA

If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.

0

Saturdays

Saturdays are made for staying in bed all day.
But it's so cold and lonely, in here, without you.
0

How Much

It’s unmanageable, how much I grieve for you.

It’s uncomfortable, how much I can’t move on.

It’s unsettling, how much I hate you for leaving me.

It’s undignified, how much I cry for you.

It’s unbearable, how much I still love you.

0

Conflict

I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

As I soldier on,
as best I can,
the simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions,
slowly kills me.

0

Mornings

Mornings are the worst.

Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.

To be honest, I’d rather not bother.

But I suppose I do have bills to pay.

And I do have to feed the cat.

0

Freezing

I tried really hard today.

To laugh.

To be normal.

To forget.

And I managed, for a while.

But still I lie in bed here, freezing, hoping to go to sleep and dream of you.

0

Pretence

People are easy to fool, on the whole, I find.

They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…

0

God

I wish I believed.

It’s heartening to see those of faith comforted from words set down so many years ago.

It’s uplifting to hear the voices of the choir soar alongside such stirring melody.

It’s inspiring to gaze in wonder at those beautifully stained glass windows like so many before me.

Truly.

But I don’t believe. In anyone or anything.

I’m not sure if I lack the inclination or imagination. Or both.

I am glad there are those that can be lifted from their darkest moments by the arms their God.

Sadly, the only person who will rescue me…is me.

And I’m not sure I have the strength.

0

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

4

Must Try Harder

You must try harder, he says.

Harder to smile,

Harder to laugh,

Harder to forgive,

Harder to forget,

Harder to live again,

Harder to love again.

You must try harder, he says.

I can’t, she whispers

I’m sorry.

0

Lies

There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.

And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.

 

2

Solitude

You get used to it, you know.
Being on your own.
Plus, no one sees you cry.
Which helps.

0

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?

 

0

My Heart

My heart is smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.

I don’t have the glue to put it back together.

And I lost the instruction manual years ago.

0

Who Goes First?

It’s better that I’m living without you

Rather than you living without me

You’d never cope with this pain

It has wrecked me

But it would have destroyed you

And I would have hated that

0

I Can / I Cannot

I can forever buy token things,

But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.

I can try to plug the cavernous gap,

But I cannot avoid that same old trap.

I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,

But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.

I can find different ways to while away the hours,

But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.

I can pray today will be warm and sunny,

But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.

I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,

But I cannot continue to painfully cry.

I can avoid scenes of actual violence,

But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.

I can try with all I have to get myself through,

But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.

0

First Day Back

Dishwashers rattle
Kettles bubble
Doors bang
Toilets drip
Heaters blast
Floorboards creak
Keys jangle
Voices whisper
Switches flick
Mouths yawn
Arms stretch
Feet shuffle
Computers hum
Mouse wheels tick
Photocopiers whirr
Printers churn
Keyboards click
Phones trill
Mobiles buzz
Pens scratch
Papers rustle

My Heart Breaks
0

2am

I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt

I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng

I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only

I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail

I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
0

‘Natural Entities’

The rain lashes down remorselessly.
Pelting, splashing, bouncing upwards towards the sky.

The thunder rumbles angrily.
Crashing, reverberating, making its presence felt.

The lightning cracks fearfully,
Illuminating the sky in a cinematic silhouette.

I look out of the window and all is calm.
I realise this tempest exists only in my heart. 
4

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