Category: Laughing

Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

4

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

27

New Glasses Day

I know

When I

See you again

There’s no way

That you

Won’t comment

But I hope

And pray

You’ll be kind

And say

You admire

My confidence

4

Excess

What day even is it?

She said

As she opened the fridge door

I’ve got no idea

He said

But I can’t eat any more

4

The Local Lothario

I couldn’t get a photo

She said

But I promise you, it’s true

She was there legs akimbo

Lips stuck to his like glue

I cannot quite believe it

She said

He just doesn’t seem the type

But now that you have seen it

Does it live up to the hype?

Let me put it this way

She said

From the look upon her face

I think it would be safe to say

He doesn’t get many complaints!

2

Resting Witch Face

I don’t need

To don a costume

Or paint my face

With vampiric

Ghoulishness

I’ve already spent

The year

As the epitome

Of drear

So there’s no need

For today’s foolishness

6

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

0

Oh, Please

Forgive my hyperbolic phrase

He said

‘Tis the burden of the poet

You’re just a pretentious cunt

She said

And don’t I fucking know it

4

On Faith (And Smugness)

Go to bed

Say your prayers

Just ignore me

And the other nay sayers

If it makes you feel good

To utter those words

In the belief your request

Will be heard

Then pay no mind

To the likes of me

Heathens devoid

Of all piety

We’ll suffer one day

When He proves to be true

And we’ll regret not kneeling

Next to you

8

All You Need To Know

I know I’d suggested

Greeting cards

But as I see the humour in this

Perhaps I’d be more suited

To writing less convoluted

Patient information leaflets

The Human Rattle

Take
these
pills

To
cure
your
ills

And
mend
your
broken
heart

They’ll
give
you
chills

And
delay
your
thrills

But at
least
it’ll
be a
start

(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)

2

Anti Bodies

Nothing says

I love you

More than a course

Of antibiotics

Or two

St Valentine’s Day Rebuke

It’s that
time of
year
again

When
love
is in
the air

But so is
Covid,
TB and flu

So please
take your
bullshit
elsewhere

(Originally Posted 17.02.2020)

0

One Or The Other

The urge to bow out

With a bang

Has been never fucking ending

So let’s wait and see

Whether, tomorrow, said spree

Will be a killing or spending

The Spree

I’m
leaving
first
thing
in the
morning

And I’m
unsure
if I’ll
return

For I
have
so
many
scores
to settle

And a
shitload
of bridges
to burn

(Originally Posted 11.02.2020)

0

The Candidates

Looking at the others

She said

I really think we have a shot

Then we’d better pack our jumpers

He said

As where we’re headed won’t be hot

Dante’s Board Meeting

So
who
do we
have
next

He
said

To
endure
this
pain
and
sorrow

We
don’t
really
know

She
said

Until
the
vote
tomorrow

(Originally Posted 06.02.2020)

0

Fooling No One

I really am sorry my friend

He said

But I can’t do much with that

The only thing I could recommend

He said

Is that you start wearing a hat

The Barber’s Secrets

Feeling
the
tension

In
the
air

He
dare not
mention

Your
thinning
hair

(Originally Posted 18.01.2020)

0

Asking For It

You have to accept

When you eat your friends

That they’re pretty adept

At taking revenge

The Dodgy Prawn

Sweating again

And feeling sick

All because of you

You little prick

(Originally Posted 16.01.2020)

0

Inside And Out

I hope you don’t

Just mean your hair

But your personality too

For you’ve been such

A miserable cunt

Throughout 2022

A Change Is As Good As A Rest

A
new
year
begins

Bringing
with it a
new look

I really
hope you
like it

Considering
how long
it took

(Originally Posted 01.01.2020)

2

Obviously

He was right

As it turns out

As it only took me

A minute

To abandon the joy

I’d tried to employ

As I had reached

My limit

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

And push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

(Originally Posted 28.12.2021)

2

Fucking Fluoxetine

I enjoyed my trip

Up to the heavens

Albeit for just

Those thirty seconds

One Night Only

This bed’s not big enough

For the both of us

So I’ll be the one to leave

We should just be glad

For the time we’ve had

And the little bit of reprieve

(Originally Posted 06.12.2020)

0

Lucky My Arse

All I get

If I look up

Into the twilight sky

Is a fucking crick

In the back of my neck

And bird shit in my eye

Somewhere Out There

I’m sure
your star
shines
brightly,

Up
there
in the
sky.

I try
to search
for it
nightly,

Yet it
always
passes
me by.

(Originally Posted 29.11.2019)

5

Saviours Take Many Forms

I cannot imagine

I meant the Jesus

In the title of this piece

As it’s far more likely

To be a Jesús

Who’d make me go weak at the knees

Christ On A Bike

It
truly
is a
wonder

To see
such a
glorious
sight

My
heart
beats
like
thunder

As my
body
sings
with
delight

(Originally Posted 25.11.2019)

2

Old Movies (2)

“Of all the gin joints
In all the world…
She walks into mine”

“I hope he doesn’t think
I came here for him
As I just fancied
A soda and lime”

Old Movies (1)

Come
death
come,
as fast
as you
can

As
frankly
my dear,
I don’t
give
a damn

(Originally Posted 04.11.2019)

6

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…

Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

0

I’d Actually Prefer A Geography Teacher

Sparks is an amazing song

And I guess Yellow isn’t bad

But by the time

We got to X&Y

There wasn’t a decent song to be had

The Coldest Of Plays

‘When
you
try
your
best
but
you
don’t
succeed…’

Just
fucking
give
it up
then,

Please

(Originally Posted 09.10.2020)

0

Triple Jabbed

Well that lasted all of five minutes

As after that lockdown was lifted

I was out the front door like a shot

And did I care who touched me? Not a jot!

Deprived

I
honestly
don’t
remember

When
I last
felt
human
touch

And
as
time
goes
on

I’ve
started
to
feel

That
I actually
don’t
mind
too
much

(Originally Posted 07.10.2020)

6

Crowning Glory

There’s nothing like

A good cut and blow

To help restore

Your get up and go

Hair Dye

So I’ll walk away

And say cheerio

To the girl

I used to know

(Originally Posted 05.10.2020)

2

Allure

When I stopped the anti depressants

My feelings of lust were incessant

My thirst for bad boys,

Conmen and cowboys

All came back with a vengeance

(Well, those on TV shows at least)

Angels & Devils

Good men
do bad things

And good
women do too

If I was ever that way
inclined again

I’d do bad things
with you

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

8

Being Toyed With

As I have never

Loved again

From that day

To this

I cannot help

But wonder

If someone up there

Is taking the piss

I Can’t Tell You

I can’t
tell
you
how
much
better
I feel

To
know my
feelings
I need
no
longer
conceal

I
can’t
tell you
how much
more open
I am
now

To the
possibility
of loving
someone
again,
someday,
somehow

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

2

Hamlet Is My Favorite, Obviously

Check me out

Getting all high brow

Quoting Shakespeare, no less

To help describe how

Hard it can be

When fighting off sadness

Even if there is method

In it’s madness

Shaking Spears

‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘

‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we fucking deserve medallions’

(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)

2

Open To Interpretation

I’m not sure

If I meant this

In a playful way

Or not

Usually,

I would say I did

But back then

My humour

Was shot

Come Closer

I don’t bite.

Much.

(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)

6

A Diamond In The Rough

Perhaps I do have a sense of humour.

Sometimes.

Out of Shape

In a world full of cubes,

I’m a dodecahedron.

Overly complicated.

(Originally Posted 07.08.2019)

7

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!

The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

2

Some Old Fashioned Smut

It seems that every so often

I’ll write a cheeky one like this

I blame the Carry On films

I watched when I was a kid

Their irreverent innuendo

Now belongs to a time gone by

But they taught me comedic timing

And left a twinkle in my eye

Repetitive Strain Injury

Time is running out

She said

Remember we’re on the clock

I wish you’d just stop checking

He said

And focus on my… shoulder

(Originally Posted 11.07.2021)

4

Blurred Lines

I was thinking about this

Just last night

How I am not always

Visually inspired

Have I such little imagination

Lack a formal education

Or is it just that new glasses

Are required?

The Art Gallery

Sometimes
I think

I’m too
stupid to
understand

Sometimes
I think

I’m the
only one
that does

(Originally Posted 04.07.2019)

16

Two Sides To Every Story

Believe it or not

Despite my wroth

I am actually quite sweet

I may talk shit

In these words I spit

But in real life I’m a treat

Nom De Plume

Charmer’s the name

Misery the game

Pleased to meet you

I ain’t

I may lack flair

Writing without care

But really

I’m a saint

*winks*

(Originally Posted 23.06.2020)

24

Gotcha!

Made me laugh out loud, this one

As it really is quite blunt

It never ceases to amaze me

How I can be such a

Con trol freak, at times

Trust Issues

Somebody
once
told
me

It will
all be
OK in
the end

Well, that
person
lied
to me

And so
is no
longer
my friend

(Originally Posted 16.06.2020)

7

Too Much Of A Good Thing

I should have gone with him that day

Instead of just staying in

As all I have to show

Now for saying no

Is one hell of a double chin

Better Plans

Shall we go out today

He said

Have a blast and give it our all

I’m afraid I already have a date

She said

With pizza, beer and football

(Originally Posted 14.06.2021)

2

Was It Good For You?

If
I ask
you a
question

He
said

Do you
promise
to tell
the truth?

Yes

She
lied

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

If
I ask
you a
question

She
said

Do you
promise
to tell
the truth?

Yes

He
lied

(Originally Posted 13.06.2020)

18

The Kitchen Sink Elixir

No matter what

Problem you have

Or whatever the issue

May be

There isn’t anything

That can’t be fixed

By an old fashioned

Cup of tea

Sacrilege

I didn’t think

There was anything else

You could do to anger me

But then you go

And confront me with

A fucking awful cup of tea

(Originally Posted 27.05.2021)

8

Tongue In Cheek

This actually sounds quite spicy

When I read it back

It looks like I meant

A ménage à trois

But I assure you

It wasn’t that

When I wrote

About ‘us two’

I was trying to state a fact

There wasn’t another person

Pining

It was just me and the cat

‘Sleepy Time’

Lying here

Just us two

Isn’t the same

Without you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 13.05.2020)

32

‘The Stugots’

Reckon I must have been watching

That show again when I wrote this

As the only threat I’m capable of giving

Is one of a Glasgow kiss

Omerta

Please
stop
your
incessant
noise

Or I’ll
send
round
one of
the boys

(Originally Posted 02.05.2020)

6

Next Day Delivery

If only you knew

All the shit I was buying

Just to see you

On my doorstep smiling

I’d be off your route

Immediately

The Delivery Man

You have no idea,

How much your sideways glance,

Hauls my weary heart,

Through yet another,

Lonely day…

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

12

Stunted

I don’t remember where this was

Or which comedian I was bashing

But I hope they could see

It wasn’t them, but me

That was the reason I wasn’t laughing

Row 3 Seat 5

I don’t know
who said you
were funny

But I think
you’re pretty
witless

This really
wasn’t worth
the money

As I’m sitting
here bored
shitless

(Originally Posted 29.04.2020)

2

Cones

But there comes

A point

When enough

Is enough

Circles

Enough of you
is
too much

Too much of you
is
never enough

(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)

11

‘How You Doin’?’

A line once stolen

From a show on TV

Reworked and rewritten

Now belongs to me

Transgressions

In the beginning

I would always try

To be as honest as I could be

But in the end I fell

So far from the truth

That the line was a dot to me

(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)

11

Actually…

I actually have

A lot more to give

Than this wee ditty suggests

I actually am

Quite the catch

Despite my ongoing protests

Damaged Goods

It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me

You
deserve
to be
happy

But
you
won’t
get to
share

In
anything
with
me

But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

12

Pretentious

I guess I could say

I wanted to make

A few different points here

About the ‘disconnection’

Between body and mind

The betrayal of desire made clear

But I’d be lying

If I said these things

When the truth is actually thus

It was more that I wanted

To find a way

Of using the word egregious

Disconnection

She betrayed me again today

The little bitch

She always wants what I do not

Now I must fix

Her egregious mistake

Before both of us get caught

(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)

11

Still Laughing At Bad Jokes

I definitely laugh more now

She said

I feel like that

Is damn good progress

I would tend to agree with you

He said

If it didn’t hinge

On my joke telling prowess

‘Laughing At Bad Jokes’

Seriously

He said

That was funny

Can’t you just crack a smile?

Wait a minute

She said

While I remember how

As it’s honestly been a while

(Originally Posted 15.03.20)

8

Try Manchego Instead

If only it took

Just a wee bit of cheese

To give my heart

A playful squeeze

Yet to succeed

Requires further endeavour

As I have no desire

(For cheese or otherwise)

What so fucking ever

Middle Class Wooing

Don’t
bother
picking
flowers

They
will just
make me
sneeze

If you
really
want to
impress me

Just
bring
a wheel
of cheese

For an
‘expensive’
bottle
of wine

And a
little
bit of
Brie

Is
really
all it
takes

To get
into
bed
with me

(Originally Posted 02.03.2020)

18

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

27

Where Else?

I know

It comes across

Like I am rapacious

Between the sheets

But believe me

When I say

My tongue is firmly

In my cheek

31

Sorry Not Sorry

So now you’re back

You think I’ll crack

And give you my heart again

Well I’ve changed tack

And jumped into the sack

With your (much fitter) best friend

18

Dirty Minds

As you don’t seem

To get it

I’ll explain it again

Real quick

It wasn’t your love

I wanted

It was merely your

Conversation

30

Salt & Vinegar

When you asked

For a macaroni pie

I knew

That we’d get on

But when you ordered

A pizza crunch

I knew then

You were the one

25

Up ↑