Category: Laughing

Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

4

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

27

New Glasses Day

I know

When I

See you again

There’s no way

That you

Won’t comment

But I hope

And pray

You’ll be kind

And say

You admire

My confidence

4

Excess

What day even is it?

She said

As she opened the fridge door

I’ve got no idea

He said

But I can’t eat any more

4

The Local Lothario

I couldn’t get a photo

She said

But I promise you, it’s true

She was there legs akimbo

Lips stuck to his like glue

I cannot quite believe it

She said

He just doesn’t seem the type

But now that you have seen it

Does it live up to the hype?

Let me put it this way

She said

From the look upon her face

I think it would be safe to say

He doesn’t get many complaints!

2

Resting Witch Face

I don’t need

To don a costume

Or paint my face

With vampiric

Ghoulishness

I’ve already spent

The year

As the epitome

Of drear

So there’s no need

For today’s foolishness

6

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

0

Oh, Please

Forgive my hyperbolic phrase

He said

‘Tis the burden of the poet

You’re just a pretentious cunt

She said

And don’t I fucking know it

4

On Faith (And Smugness)

Go to bed

Say your prayers

Just ignore me

And the other nay sayers

If it makes you feel good

To utter those words

In the belief your request

Will be heard

Then pay no mind

To the likes of me

Heathens devoid

Of all piety

We’ll suffer one day

When He proves to be true

And we’ll regret not kneeling

Next to you

8

All You Need To Know

I know I’d suggested

Greeting cards

But as I see the humour in this

Perhaps I’d be more suited

To writing less convoluted

Patient information leaflets

The Human Rattle

Take
these
pills

To
cure
your
ills

And
mend
your
broken
heart

They’ll
give
you
chills

And
delay
your
thrills

But at
least
it’ll
be a
start

(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)

2

Anti Bodies

Nothing says

I love you

More than a course

Of antibiotics

Or two

St Valentine’s Day Rebuke

It’s that
time of
year
again

When
love
is in
the air

But so is
Covid,
TB and flu

So please
take your
bullshit
elsewhere

(Originally Posted 17.02.2020)

0

One Or The Other

The urge to bow out

With a bang

Has been never fucking ending

So let’s wait and see

Whether, tomorrow, said spree

Will be a killing or spending

The Spree

I’m
leaving
first
thing
in the
morning

And I’m
unsure
if I’ll
return

For I
have
so
many
scores
to settle

And a
shitload
of bridges
to burn

(Originally Posted 11.02.2020)

0

The Candidates

Looking at the others

She said

I really think we have a shot

Then we’d better pack our jumpers

He said

As where we’re headed won’t be hot

Dante’s Board Meeting

So
who
do we
have
next

He
said

To
endure
this
pain
and
sorrow

We
don’t
really
know

She
said

Until
the
vote
tomorrow

(Originally Posted 06.02.2020)

0

Fooling No One

I really am sorry my friend

He said

But I can’t do much with that

The only thing I could recommend

He said

Is that you start wearing a hat

The Barber’s Secrets

Feeling
the
tension

In
the
air

He
dare not
mention

Your
thinning
hair

(Originally Posted 18.01.2020)

0

Asking For It

You have to accept

When you eat your friends

That they’re pretty adept

At taking revenge

The Dodgy Prawn

Sweating again

And feeling sick

All because of you

You little prick

(Originally Posted 16.01.2020)

0

Inside And Out

I hope you don’t

Just mean your hair

But your personality too

For you’ve been such

A miserable cunt

Throughout 2022

A Change Is As Good As A Rest

A
new
year
begins

Bringing
with it a
new look

I really
hope you
like it

Considering
how long
it took

(Originally Posted 01.01.2020)

2

Obviously

He was right

As it turns out

As it only took me

A minute

To abandon the joy

I’d tried to employ

As I had reached

My limit

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

And push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

(Originally Posted 28.12.2021)

2

Fucking Fluoxetine

I enjoyed my trip

Up to the heavens

Albeit for just

Those thirty seconds

One Night Only

This bed’s not big enough

For the both of us

So I’ll be the one to leave

We should just be glad

For the time we’ve had

And the little bit of reprieve

(Originally Posted 06.12.2020)

0

Lucky My Arse

All I get

If I look up

Into the twilight sky

Is a fucking crick

In the back of my neck

And bird shit in my eye

Somewhere Out There

I’m sure
your star
shines
brightly,

Up
there
in the
sky.

I try
to search
for it
nightly,

Yet it
always
passes
me by.

(Originally Posted 29.11.2019)

5

Saviours Take Many Forms

I cannot imagine

I meant the Jesus

In the title of this piece

As it’s far more likely

To be a Jesús

Who’d make me go weak at the knees

Christ On A Bike

It
truly
is a
wonder

To see
such a
glorious
sight

My
heart
beats
like
thunder

As my
body
sings
with
delight

(Originally Posted 25.11.2019)

2

Old Movies (2)

“Of all the gin joints
In all the world…
She walks into mine”

“I hope he doesn’t think
I came here for him
As I just fancied
A soda and lime”

Old Movies (1)

Come
death
come,
as fast
as you
can

As
frankly
my dear,
I don’t
give
a damn

(Originally Posted 04.11.2019)

6

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…

Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

0

I’d Actually Prefer A Geography Teacher

Sparks is an amazing song

And I guess Yellow isn’t bad

But by the time

We got to X&Y

There wasn’t a decent song to be had

The Coldest Of Plays

‘When
you
try
your
best
but
you
don’t
succeed…’

Just
fucking
give
it up
then,

Please

(Originally Posted 09.10.2020)

0

Triple Jabbed

Well that lasted all of five minutes

As after that lockdown was lifted

I was out the front door like a shot

And did I care who touched me? Not a jot!

Deprived

I
honestly
don’t
remember

When
I last
felt
human
touch

And
as
time
goes
on

I’ve
started
to
feel

That
I actually
don’t
mind
too
much

(Originally Posted 07.10.2020)

6

Crowning Glory

There’s nothing like

A good cut and blow

To help restore

Your get up and go

Hair Dye

So I’ll walk away

And say cheerio

To the girl

I used to know

(Originally Posted 05.10.2020)

2

Allure

When I stopped the anti depressants

My feelings of lust were incessant

My thirst for bad boys,

Conmen and cowboys

All came back with a vengeance

(Well, those on TV shows at least)

Angels & Devils

Good men
do bad things

And good
women do too

If I was ever that way
inclined again

I’d do bad things
with you

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

8

Being Toyed With

As I have never

Loved again

From that day

To this

I cannot help

But wonder

If someone up there

Is taking the piss

I Can’t Tell You

I can’t
tell
you
how
much
better
I feel

To
know my
feelings
I need
no
longer
conceal

I
can’t
tell you
how much
more open
I am
now

To the
possibility
of loving
someone
again,
someday,
somehow

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

2

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