Category: Laughing

Tongue In Cheek

This actually sounds quite spicy

When I read it back

It looks like I meant

A ménage à trois

But I assure you

It wasn’t that

When I wrote

About ‘us two’

I was trying to state a fact

There wasn’t another person

Pining

It was just me and the cat

‘Sleepy Time’

Lying here

Just us two

Isn’t the same

Without you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 13.05.2020)

32

‘The Stugots’

Reckon I must have been watching

That show again when I wrote this

As the only threat I’m capable of giving

Is one of a Glasgow kiss

Omerta

Please
stop
your
incessant
noise

Or I’ll
send
round
one of
the boys

(Originally Posted 02.05.2020)

6

Next Day Delivery

If only you knew

All the shit I was buying

Just to see you

On my doorstep smiling

I’d be off your route

Immediately

The Delivery Man

You have no idea,

How much your sideways glance,

Hauls my weary heart,

Through yet another,

Lonely day…

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

12

Stunted

I don’t remember where this was

Or which comedian I was bashing

But I hope they could see

It wasn’t them, but me

That was the reason I wasn’t laughing

Row 3 Seat 5

I don’t know
who said you
were funny

But I think
you’re pretty
witless

This really
wasn’t worth
the money

As I’m sitting
here bored
shitless

(Originally Posted 29.04.2020)

2

Cones

But there comes

A point

When enough

Is enough

Circles

Enough of you
is
too much

Too much of you
is
never enough

(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)

11

‘How You Doin’?’

A line once stolen

From a show on TV

Reworked and rewritten

Now belongs to me

Transgressions

In the beginning

I would always try

To be as honest as I could be

But in the end I fell

So far from the truth

That the line was a dot to me

(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)

11

Actually…

I actually have

A lot more to give

Than this wee ditty suggests

I actually am

Quite the catch

Despite my ongoing protests

Damaged Goods

It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me

You
deserve
to be
happy

But
you
won’t
get to
share

In
anything
with
me

But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

12

Pretentious

I guess I could say

I wanted to make

A few different points here

About the ‘disconnection’

Between body and mind

The betrayal of desire made clear

But I’d be lying

If I said these things

When the truth is actually thus

It was more that I wanted

To find a way

Of using the word egregious

Disconnection

She betrayed me again today

The little bitch

She always wants what I do not

Now I must fix

Her egregious mistake

Before both of us get caught

(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)

11

Still Laughing At Bad Jokes

I definitely laugh more now

She said

I feel like that

Is damn good progress

I would tend to agree with you

He said

If it didn’t hinge

On my joke telling prowess

‘Laughing At Bad Jokes’

Seriously

He said

That was funny

Can’t you just crack a smile?

Wait a minute

She said

While I remember how

As it’s honestly been a while

(Originally Posted 15.03.20)

8

Try Manchego Instead

If only it took

Just a wee bit of cheese

To give my heart

A playful squeeze

Yet to succeed

Requires further endeavour

As I have no desire

(For cheese or otherwise)

What so fucking ever

Middle Class Wooing

Don’t
bother
picking
flowers

They
will just
make me
sneeze

If you
really
want to
impress me

Just
bring
a wheel
of cheese

For an
‘expensive’
bottle
of wine

And a
little
bit of
Brie

Is
really
all it
takes

To get
into
bed
with me

(Originally Posted 02.03.2020)

18

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

27

Where Else?

I know

It comes across

Like I am rapacious

Between the sheets

But believe me

When I say

My tongue is firmly

In my cheek

31

Sorry Not Sorry

So now you’re back

You think I’ll crack

And give you my heart again

Well I’ve changed tack

And jumped into the sack

With your (much fitter) best friend

18

Dirty Minds

As you don’t seem

To get it

I’ll explain it again

Real quick

It wasn’t your love

I wanted

It was merely your

Conversation

30

Salt & Vinegar

When you asked

For a macaroni pie

I knew

That we’d get on

But when you ordered

A pizza crunch

I knew then

You were the one

25

The T

As I sit here

All alone

And my tears

Begin to fall

I am reminded

Once again

Chamomile tea

Solves fuck all

24

#21 The Peddler

Drink this magic potion, dear

In its benefits place your trust

For come midday tomorrow

When your life’s still a shit show

You won’t see me for dust

6

Harsh Truths

I used to think

I was pale

And interesting

Now I realise

Not only

Could I do with a tan

I am actually

Just dull as fuck

30

Boiling Frogs

It’s pretty hot in here

He said

Do you think we should leave

We’ll be here until we die

She said

Stop being so fucking naive

17

Preoccupation

I sit and wonder

If the weather today

Will be any less shit

Than before

Oh, who am I kidding

The clouds are forbidding

So it’s obvious

What’s in store

21

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