Category: Laughing

Crowning Glory

There’s nothing like

A good cut and blow

To help restore

Your get up and go

Hair Dye

So I’ll walk away

And say cheerio

To the girl

I used to know

(Originally Posted 05.10.2020)

2

Allure

When I stopped the anti depressants

My feelings of lust were incessant

My thirst for bad boys,

Conmen and cowboys

All came back with a vengeance

(Well, those on TV shows at least)

Angels & Devils

Good men
do bad things

And good
women do too

If I was ever that way
inclined again

I’d do bad things
with you

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

8

Being Toyed With

As I have never

Loved again

From that day

To this

I cannot help

But wonder

If someone up there

Is taking the piss

I Can’t Tell You

I can’t
tell
you
how
much
better
I feel

To
know my
feelings
I need
no
longer
conceal

I
can’t
tell you
how much
more open
I am
now

To the
possibility
of loving
someone
again,
someday,
somehow

(Originally Posted 11.09.2019)

2

Hamlet Is My Favorite, Obviously

Check me out

Getting all high brow

Quoting Shakespeare, no less

To help describe how

Hard it can be

When fighting off sadness

Even if there is method

In it’s madness

Shaking Spears

‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘

‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we fucking deserve medallions’

(Originally Posted 27.08.2020)

2

Open To Interpretation

I’m not sure

If I meant this

In a playful way

Or not

Usually,

I would say I did

But back then

My humour

Was shot

Come Closer

I don’t bite.

Much.

(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)

6

A Diamond In The Rough

Perhaps I do have a sense of humour.

Sometimes.

Out of Shape

In a world full of cubes,

I’m a dodecahedron.

Overly complicated.

(Originally Posted 07.08.2019)

7

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!

The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

2

Some Old Fashioned Smut

It seems that every so often

I’ll write a cheeky one like this

I blame the Carry On films

I watched when I was a kid

Their irreverent innuendo

Now belongs to a time gone by

But they taught me comedic timing

And left a twinkle in my eye

Repetitive Strain Injury

Time is running out

She said

Remember we’re on the clock

I wish you’d just stop checking

He said

And focus on my… shoulder

(Originally Posted 11.07.2021)

4

Blurred Lines

I was thinking about this

Just last night

How I am not always

Visually inspired

Have I such little imagination

Lack a formal education

Or is it just that new glasses

Are required?

The Art Gallery

Sometimes
I think

I’m too
stupid to
understand

Sometimes
I think

I’m the
only one
that does

(Originally Posted 04.07.2019)

16

Two Sides To Every Story

Believe it or not

Despite my wroth

I am actually quite sweet

I may talk shit

In these words I spit

But in real life I’m a treat

Nom De Plume

Charmer’s the name

Misery the game

Pleased to meet you

I ain’t

I may lack flair

Writing without care

But really

I’m a saint

*winks*

(Originally Posted 23.06.2020)

24

Gotcha!

Made me laugh out loud, this one

As it really is quite blunt

It never ceases to amaze me

How I can be such a

Con trol freak, at times

Trust Issues

Somebody
once
told
me

It will
all be
OK in
the end

Well, that
person
lied
to me

And so
is no
longer
my friend

(Originally Posted 16.06.2020)

7

Too Much Of A Good Thing

I should have gone with him that day

Instead of just staying in

As all I have to show

Now for saying no

Is one hell of a double chin

Better Plans

Shall we go out today

He said

Have a blast and give it our all

I’m afraid I already have a date

She said

With pizza, beer and football

(Originally Posted 14.06.2021)

2

Was It Good For You?

If
I ask
you a
question

He
said

Do you
promise
to tell
the truth?

Yes

She
lied

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

If
I ask
you a
question

She
said

Do you
promise
to tell
the truth?

Yes

He
lied

(Originally Posted 13.06.2020)

18

The Kitchen Sink Elixir

No matter what

Problem you have

Or whatever the issue

May be

There isn’t anything

That can’t be fixed

By an old fashioned

Cup of tea

Sacrilege

I didn’t think

There was anything else

You could do to anger me

But then you go

And confront me with

A fucking awful cup of tea

(Originally Posted 27.05.2021)

8

Tongue In Cheek

This actually sounds quite spicy

When I read it back

It looks like I meant

A ménage à trois

But I assure you

It wasn’t that

When I wrote

About ‘us two’

I was trying to state a fact

There wasn’t another person

Pining

It was just me and the cat

‘Sleepy Time’

Lying here

Just us two

Isn’t the same

Without you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 13.05.2020)

32

‘The Stugots’

Reckon I must have been watching

That show again when I wrote this

As the only threat I’m capable of giving

Is one of a Glasgow kiss

Omerta

Please
stop
your
incessant
noise

Or I’ll
send
round
one of
the boys

(Originally Posted 02.05.2020)

6

Next Day Delivery

If only you knew

All the shit I was buying

Just to see you

On my doorstep smiling

I’d be off your route

Immediately

The Delivery Man

You have no idea,

How much your sideways glance,

Hauls my weary heart,

Through yet another,

Lonely day…

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

12

Stunted

I don’t remember where this was

Or which comedian I was bashing

But I hope they could see

It wasn’t them, but me

That was the reason I wasn’t laughing

Row 3 Seat 5

I don’t know
who said you
were funny

But I think
you’re pretty
witless

This really
wasn’t worth
the money

As I’m sitting
here bored
shitless

(Originally Posted 29.04.2020)

2

Cones

But there comes

A point

When enough

Is enough

Circles

Enough of you
is
too much

Too much of you
is
never enough

(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)

11

‘How You Doin’?’

A line once stolen

From a show on TV

Reworked and rewritten

Now belongs to me

Transgressions

In the beginning

I would always try

To be as honest as I could be

But in the end I fell

So far from the truth

That the line was a dot to me

(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)

11

Actually…

I actually have

A lot more to give

Than this wee ditty suggests

I actually am

Quite the catch

Despite my ongoing protests

Damaged Goods

It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me

You
deserve
to be
happy

But
you
won’t
get to
share

In
anything
with
me

But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

12

Pretentious

I guess I could say

I wanted to make

A few different points here

About the ‘disconnection’

Between body and mind

The betrayal of desire made clear

But I’d be lying

If I said these things

When the truth is actually thus

It was more that I wanted

To find a way

Of using the word egregious

Disconnection

She betrayed me again today

The little bitch

She always wants what I do not

Now I must fix

Her egregious mistake

Before both of us get caught

(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)

11

Still Laughing At Bad Jokes

I definitely laugh more now

She said

I feel like that

Is damn good progress

I would tend to agree with you

He said

If it didn’t hinge

On my joke telling prowess

‘Laughing At Bad Jokes’

Seriously

He said

That was funny

Can’t you just crack a smile?

Wait a minute

She said

While I remember how

As it’s honestly been a while

(Originally Posted 15.03.20)

8

Try Manchego Instead

If only it took

Just a wee bit of cheese

To give my heart

A playful squeeze

Yet to succeed

Requires further endeavour

As I have no desire

(For cheese or otherwise)

What so fucking ever

Middle Class Wooing

Don’t
bother
picking
flowers

They
will just
make me
sneeze

If you
really
want to
impress me

Just
bring
a wheel
of cheese

For an
‘expensive’
bottle
of wine

And a
little
bit of
Brie

Is
really
all it
takes

To get
into
bed
with me

(Originally Posted 02.03.2020)

18

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

27

Where Else?

I know

It comes across

Like I am rapacious

Between the sheets

But believe me

When I say

My tongue is firmly

In my cheek

31

Sorry Not Sorry

So now you’re back

You think I’ll crack

And give you my heart again

Well I’ve changed tack

And jumped into the sack

With your (much fitter) best friend

18

Dirty Minds

As you don’t seem

To get it

I’ll explain it again

Real quick

It wasn’t your love

I wanted

It was merely your

Conversation

30

Salt & Vinegar

When you asked

For a macaroni pie

I knew

That we’d get on

But when you ordered

A pizza crunch

I knew then

You were the one

25

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