Category: Laughing

The T

As I sit here

All alone

And my tears

Begin to fall

I am reminded

Once again

Chamomile tea

Solves fuck all

24

#21 The Peddler

Drink this magic potion, dear

In its benefits place your trust

For come midday tomorrow

When your life’s still a shit show

You won’t see me for dust

6

Harsh Truths

I used to think

I was pale

And interesting

Now I realise

Not only

Could I do with a tan

I am actually

Just dull as fuck

30

Boiling Frogs

It’s pretty hot in here

He said

Do you think we should leave

We’ll be here until we die

She said

Stop being so fucking naive

17

Preoccupation

I sit and wonder

If the weather today

Will be any less shit

Than before

Oh, who am I kidding

The clouds are forbidding

So it’s obvious

What’s in store

21

This Coastal Town

I love living here

Next to the sea

On my cosy little croft

But the seagull noise

When I’m trying to sleep?

That can fuck right off

43

Breakfast

I know that it

Has been a while

But sure as eggs is eggs

You do have such

A winning smile

And a cracking pair of legs

32

An Irish Confirmation

When he spoke

The congregation gasped

For what they heard

Could not be grasped

As the Saint he uttered

When the priest had asked

Was Judas

Then in the carnage, basked

22

Sex With The Ex

There’s a small amount of comfort

But it quickly becomes a chore

And when he tries to converse

You remember why he’s such a bore

10

Out Of Puff

We’ve got to move quickly

He said

Time is of the essence

Just go ahead without me

She said

I haven’t run since adolescence

17

Bodily Functions

If I could

He said

I really would love

To lie with you forever, like this

Really

She said

I couldn’t be arsed

Now shift – I need a piss

22

Conflicting Stories

I gave you everything I could

He said

Even if you don’t remember it

You gave me hell, heartbreak and hepatitis

She said

And your dope was shit

6

Ode To A Cockroach

You have no heart

You have no soul

Just crawl back

Into whatever hole

You came from

And die, motherfucker, die

(Originally Posted 03.08.2019)

43

Vaya Con Dios

Is this why we were put here

She said

To worship his favourite son?

I’m fucked if I know

He said

So let’s just have some fun

11

Overlooked

What would it take

For you to notice me

Wear a skimpy dress

Paint my lips so readily

Well all I have is my words

So I guess that counts me out

As there’s nothing at all about them

That suggests I’d like to hangout

17

Hecklers

Has 
anyone 
ever
told 
you to
stop

He 
said 

With 
these 
bullshit 
rhymes 
you 
spew 

Oh 
many, 
many 
times

She 
said

And 
I told 
them
to piss 
off 
too
33

Goodbyes

So long

Farewell

Auf Wiedersehen

Adieu

I never liked you anyway

Or the rest of your fucking crew

32

Shit Show

It 
can't
get 
much 
worse, 
can it? 

He
said 

Than 
the 
year 
that 
has 
just 
passed

Well 
you've 
fucking 
jinxed
it 
now

She
said

That 
you've 
gone 
and 
bloody 
asked!
4

The Ballad Of Boxing Day

Is that it now

He said

Have the bells rung out?

I cannot eat another sprout

Oh shut your face

She said

All you’ve done is moan

You’ll be spending next year

On your fucking own

14

Rusty

Please
don’t
be
scared

He
said

There
really
is no
need

It’s only
because
it’s been
a while

She
said

Since
I’ve
done
the dirty
deed

15

High School Reunions

I
wonder
what

You’d
think
of me
now

Fat,
forty
and
fucked

Would
you
still
love me
forever

Want
to be
together
whatever

Or be
thankful
for the
bullet
you
ducked

21

A Waste Of Money

Dearly
beloved

We
are
gathered
here
today

To
witness
this
couple’s
happiness

We
must
remember,
of course,

That
in a
year
they’ll be
divorced

And
we’ll
have
forgotten
all this
sappiness

27

Waxworks

You
can’t
hold a
candle
to him

She
said

You’ll
never
know
how
we felt

I wouldn’t
go near
him with
a naked
flame

He
said

For
fear
that he
would
melt

6

Too Late

You
only
want
me
now

Because
he
says
he
does

Well
you
had
your
chance

But
you
rebuffed
my
advance

So go
jump
in front
of a
bus

17

Fuck Buddies

I
won’t
always
be
here,
you
know

For
when
you
feel
the
need
to
ask

Not
while
there
are
more
dicks
to
blow

And
other
glows
in
which
to
bask

12

Road Trip

Shall
we
run
away

She
said

To
where
we can
both
be free?

You
don’t
have
to ask
me twice

He
said

I’ll
go fetch
the car
key

14

Redundant

It’s
okay
to fail
sometimes

He
said

That
you
keep
trying
will
count

Tell
that
to the
bank
manager

She
said

As my
debts
continue
to mount

3

Self Portrait #1

Both a rhymer and a charmer

She only sticks around for drama

Writing with a screw loose or two

She isn’t scared of an expletive or few

Mourning the loss of her true love

She knows there’s no-one up above

Kind, caring and empathetic

She isn’t very sympathetic

Often scathing but often witty

She has a penchant for the nitty gritty

Sometimes joking sometimes smart

She weeps with her broken heart

Enamoured with music, wine and song

She knows with those she can’t go wrong

26

Shaking Spears

‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘

‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we deserve fucking medallions’

2

Middle-Aged Spread

Perhaps
I’ve
just
run out
of luck

Or
maybe
I don’t
give a
fuck

Either
way
it
doesn’t
matter

I must
accept
I’m
getting
fatter

10

Precipice

Grab
onto
this

He
said

It’ll
be
fine

It’s
one
I made
myself

I’m
not
sure

She
said

It
might
not be
safe

I’ve
seen
you
put
up a
shelf

4

Just Saying

Focus
on what
you can
control

And
leave
behind
what
you
can’t

That
way
you’ll
find
Bob’s
your
uncle

And
Fanny
really
is your
Aunt

20

With A Wink

You
really
are

He
said

Without
doubt

The
most
depressing
woman
I’ve
met

Really

She
said

That
is a
shame

As
you
ain’t
seen
nothing
yet

13

Overpaid Playboys

It’s
been
great
to hear
so much
more

Without
the
noise
of the
crowd

I
only
wish
it would
stay like
this

So we
hear
their
passion
out loud

8

A Love Quadrangle

It
should
be
me

Said
man
number
one

I’ve
been
here
from
the
start

It
should
be
me

Said
man
number
two

I’d
never
break
her
heart

It
should
be
me

Said
man
number
three

I
see
her
playful
side

Please,
stop
arguing
boys

She
said

You
couldn’t
handle
me if
you
tried!

27

Nom De Plume

Charmer’s the name

Misery the game

Pleased to meet you

I ain’t

I may lack flair

Writing without care

But really

I’m a saint

*winks*

16

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