Category: Loving

Unkept

You said

To me

You’d always

Be true

Yet it’s clear

That forever

Meant fuck all

To you

19

‘First Dates’

She awoke that morning to the sound of the bells. Those fucking incessant church bells that plagued her every Sunday morning. She opened one eye to the world and, as the daylight scorched her alcohol soaked retina, she quickly closed it again. Fucking tequila, she murmured. Never again. Yeah, right.

Then she remembered. Shit. She tentatively slid her hand across the mattress. She felt his presence before she heard his snore. Fucking tequila, she murmured again. Bollocks.

She took a deep breath and forced both of her eyes open to absorb the piercing light this time. The bells had stopped thank fuck. One less thing to deal with.

She sat up, carefully, and embraced the world. She wasn’t ready to wake the man whose name she had forgotten – or in truth had never known – just yet.

She crawled, with great difficulty, from the bed. Every bone feeling like a dead weight, she managed to pull last nights shirt over her head and stumble to the kitchen.

She took a glass from the draining board and filled it with ice cold water from the stainless steel tap. She revelled in the smooth taste cleansing her mouth, her throat and her head. She glugged down four paracetamol and proceeded to the bathroom to wash the lingering taste of the man from her mouth.

She looked at herself in the mirror. I look like I feel, she thought, and I feel like shit. Still, first things first. She needed to get this fucker out. Composing herself and her aching limbs she strode into the bedroom; clapping her hands loudly as she stepped.

‘Rise and shine sleeping beauty’ she croaked. ‘Time to go’. The mound of stale sweat, alcohol and drool lay motionless under the duvet. ‘I said come on motherfucker – move’. She shouted louder this time pairing her cry with a swift kick to what she hoped was his kidney area. The man whimpered as he rolled over on to his front.

‘Just come back to bed, babe’ he muttered sleepily.

‘Babe? Are you fucking shitting me mate? Just get the fuck out of my bed!’ She was shaking him now as he heaved himself upright. Dazed and confused he looked into her eyes, realisation slowly dawning that if he wanted to keep his testicles intact he’d better not argue. He hurriedly dressed as she shooed him out of the bedroom and pushed him out of the flat – the front door knocking him over as he pulled on his boots.

‘Well, thanks for that and everything. But I won’t be calling you again’ she snipped.

‘But, I..’ was all she heard before she slammed the door in his puzzled, but albeit pretty cute, face.

She stalked back to bed, vowing never to drink tequila again.

Yeah, right.

(Originally Posted 06.03.2019)

18

‘And then you spoke to me and said…’

You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

I was happy just to see you.
Being in the same building as you again sent chills 
down my spine and welled tears in my eyes.
I had recognised your presence and then let it go. 
Like always.

But you took it further, this time.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

I could not believe what was happening.
My foolish response - 'Wow, you know my name' -
swirling in the air around us, 
choking me with its embarrassment.
You smiled your vacant smile.
You muttered something and walked away.

Words cannot describe how I felt.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

It made it all seem worthwhile.
The years of following you. The years of obsession.
You spoke to me.

I had to get another drink and light a cigarette.
So, I noticed, did you.

When you spoke to me that second time,
I don't think I was present.
I had seen you walking in my direction, 
but I had ceased to exist.
You said 'I see you all the time at parties,
but I never get a chance to talk to you'.
I drowned in the ecstasy of your words,
and further still when you said 'See you soon'.

Those three words gave me so much hope.
Hope I never had before.
Not even after the notes...

For the rest of the night I watched you, watching me.
At least I pretended not to watch you, 
pretending not to watch me.

But I was so happy.  Elated in fact.
You had spoken to me without being forced.
You said my full name without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

When you left the room, and I watched you go, 
you didn't just take your pretty little head with you.
You took a piece of me too.
A piece of me that will be with you always,
and lost to me...
Forever.

For MR

(Originally Posted 03/03/2019)

 

16

The Bakery Aisle

You’re in the supermarket on a cold winters day.

You’re minding your own business, pushing your trolley and checking items off your list when your nose twitches at the smell of freshly baked bread. Tempted, you wander over to the bakery.

Your stomach grumbles as you peruse the counter. Your eyes widen as they drink in the glorious delights on offer. Loaves, rolls, buns, cakes, pastries, biscuits, tarts: each as tantalising as the next. After much internal deliberation you finally decide which one to buy.

A chocolate eclair.

You signal your selection to the assistant who hands you your prize in a cardboard box, neatly tied with ribbon. You carefully place the box at the far end of your trolley, safely stowed away from heavier household goods that might roll around and crush it.

You finish the rest of your shopping a little quicker now, somehow lighter of step, and stride with purpose to the checkout.

You hastily pack and pick up your shopping bags but you grip the box tightly in your hand, carrying it safely all the way out to your car.

You drive along with the box calling to you, provocatively, on the passenger seat. You glance over every few minutes, stretching out a protective hand and smiling in anticipation.

You get home and unpack your shopping whilst waiting, impatiently, for the kettle to boil. The box consumes your thoughts as you drum your fingers on the counter top, and your excitement continues to build.

You sit down in your favourite chair and make yourself comfortable. You tenderly untie the ribbon and lift the lid of the box. You lick your lips as your heart quickens and you finally take a bite of the glistening chocolate eclair.

You begin to realise, as you chew, that it doesn’t taste as good as you thought it would.

The cream is artificial and bland. The pastry is soggy and sticks to your cheeks. The chocolate is saccharine and hurts your teeth.

Disappointed, you put the remaining piece of the chocolate eclair back into the box, close the lid and re-tie the ribbon. You throw the box in the bin without a care in the world.

And that’s what love is like.

Being lured in by the chocolate eclair when, all along, you really should have picked the strawberry tart.

(Originally Posted 07.03.2019)

 

30

That Summer

That summer with you was glorious.

I was young, fearless and eager to learn.

You were older, wiser and willing to teach.

I can still recall that first night. You grabbed my hand and whispered ‘Come with me’.

We sailed past the doormen and into the club. I remember that heady mix of beer in plastic glasses, cigarette smoke and pounding bass lines in darkened alcoves.

We danced all night as those songs played and we lost ourselves in each other.

That summer was twenty two years ago, but it feels like it was yesterday.

Thank You.

For JH.

(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)

28

Rebuilt

Don’t come crawling back now

Amazed at what you find

For I’m the one

Who carried on

When you left me behind

11

That Look

Don't look at me that way 

If you can't back up 

What your eyes betray

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)
19

But

If only I could ask you,
But I never should.

If only I could show you,
But I never would.

If only you could tell me,
But you never should.

If only you could love me,
But you never would.

(Originally Posted 20.04.2019)

16

Leap of Faith

Why not
let me
show you
some magic,
he said,
as they lay
on the
laminate floor.

Your attempt
to woo me
is tragic,
she said,
but in
her heart
she wasn’t
so sure.

(Originally Posted 19.06.2019)

15

Tussle

I don’t want to just be friends

I don’t want to let this go

You may be able to walk away

But this is all I know

7

‘Thank You, But No…’

If this is how life is going to be

Then I wish to play no part.

I have neither the strength nor the desire

To risk another broken heart.

(Originally Posted 19.05.2019)

21

Once Bitten

I’ve dreamt of you before

She said

And I didn’t fall for you then

Well I’m here in real life now

He said

So let me try again

21

Moonlighting

This back and forth

Between us both

Has certainly served a purpose

But now we know

Our virtue exists

Merely on the surface

2

The Replacement

I only ever wanted you

But then he arrived instead

Now there’s no chance

In any circumstance

Of you sleeping in my bed

8

Fuck Boys

I 
shall 
make it 

My 
life's 
work

To 
ensure 
this 

Is 
never 
repeated 

That 
never 
again 

Will 
I fall 
in love

With 
someone so
conceited
41

Passing

If we were to meet again

I’d simply walk on by

I’d turn my head away from you

Try not to catch your eye

For I could not do this again

Your loss has left me broken

No, I’d simply walk on by

With nary a word spoken

19

Once And For All

Tell me you don’t want me

And I’ll walk away if I must

But just make sure

Your heart can endure

As you won’t see me again for dust

8

Mix Tapes

You could just say how you feel

He said

Instead of sending me a song

But these folks are professionals

She said

And I’d only get it wrong

16

Yin And Yin

We can’t both be dreamers

She said

Or nothing will get done

We’ll just have to take it in turns

He said

For us each to have our fun

20

A Bit Of Rough

Throw me onto the bed

Dear boy

Your body on mine impose

For a meeting of minds

Is not required

Let alone

An entwinement of souls

17

Wars Of Attrition

Some people stay together

And hate every second of it

But as they’re bound by tradition

They put up with each others shit

They’re worn down day after day

But are far too scared to leave

For of a life full of happiness

They cannot possibly conceive

26

Unobtainable

Maybe one day we’ll meet again

And maybe one day we won’t

But one things for sure

We’ll never be anything more

Than what either of us had hoped

16

Theatrics

Of my love

For you

I’ve never been

More certain

It is time

To drop

The safety curtain

So with confidence

And fiery gusto

Let’s just get

On with our show

29

Blowing It

It seems that I am destined

To forever rue the day

I didn’t just pack up my bags

And simply walk away

4

Quickstep

Run around

Jump up and down

There’s a new love in town!

He’s really neat

And ever so sweet

This black heart skips a beat

I think that now

I’m ready for more

I want him to whisk me

Across the dancefloor

19

The Over 40’s Club

Let’s both jump

Into this taxi

Please just take me home

And have me

I’m done waiting

Now is our time

Let’s grasp this moment

Whilst we’re in our prime

15

Treachery

This cannot be
What you want 

Surely 
It's a joke

For I am not
That kind of woman 

And you are not 
That bloke
18

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