"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry.
You said I was the only one that made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one that mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.
Then you left.
And I was the only one who cried.
It's when I think about you the most.
In the wee small hours,
When I can't sleep.
Because of you.
It's your fault.
I say it often and it's true.
You have no right to make me feel the way you do.
Constant simultaneous conflicting emotions.
I know it's just sex between us.
But I feel more.
I know it's not the same for you.
You love another, after all.
I feel more of a connection.
Not just physically but mentally too.
I know when you are going to call or send a message.
It's no surprise: I sense it.
But I am scared.
I don't know the rules to your game.
I don't have the capacity to learn.
Perhaps I never will.
It's okay for you.
You have been here before.
But I know you will get sick of me, eventually.
And I won't know what else to do.
Xxx
Bloodied, bruised, bowed
but not broken.
Who am I kidding?
I'm fucked.
Sticks and stones definitely break bones
And words have always fucking hurt
Stop feeding your kids this bullshit
It only makes things worse
I am falling.
Tumbling through the air,
Spinning over and over,
Hurtling towards the ground.
Some fucker has stolen my parachute.
Don’t think I’m surviving this one, eh?
I may say I am okay.
I may say it to you and I definitely say it to myself.
But it's a lie.
I am really not okay.
At all.
I can forever buy token things,
But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.
I can try to plug the cavernous gap,
But I cannot avoid that same old trap.
I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,
But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.
I can find different ways to while away the hours,
But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.
I can pray today will be warm and sunny,
But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.
I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,
But I cannot continue to painfully cry.
I can avoid scenes of actual violence,
But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.
I can try with all I have to get myself through,
But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.
‘Forgive me … I have lost too much’
Today, I choose not to jump.
Tomorrow, who knows.
I am already standing too close to the edge…
What I wouldn’t give to be creative
and be able to express it.
What I wouldn’t give
isn’t worth knowing about.
Sitting on a wall with Judas dressed in cricket whites
I guess we'll never know
19.06.1997
It is unbelievable to think that trip
was three hundred and sixty five days ago.
Just one anonymous face in a sea of many.
My twenty three year old dream realised.
Outstanding.
There was no way to know then where I would be now.
Here, three hundred and sixty five days on, alone.
I would trade every second of that trip,
to have just one more minute,
with you.
xxx
The thing is
It was just so much easier
When I didn't care
Sometimes
I just have nothing left
To give
'Can I get you anything?'
'A reason for living would be nice.'
I know you’re there…
You, my dear, are a cunt.
I'll maybe never have the courage to tell you to your face.
But that doesn't make it any less true.
I will never forget what you have done to me.
I will certainly never forgive you.
Your words - like daggers.
Your tears - like acid.
Your heart - like stone.
They mean nothing to me.
You mean nothing to me.
For you, my dear, are a cunt.
Fact.
Dishwashers rattle
Kettles bubble
Doors bang
Toilets drip
Heaters blast
Floorboards creak
Keys jangle
Voices whisper
Switches flick
Mouths yawn
Arms stretch
Feet shuffle
Computers hum
Mouse wheels tick
Photocopiers whirr
Printers churn
Keyboards click
Phones trill
Mobiles buzz
Pens scratch
Papers rustle
My Heart Breaks
I am broken
I am hurt
Words unspoken
Emotion curt
I am sad
I am wrong
Mind mad
Tears throng
I am tired
I am lonely
Memories mired
Despair only
I am weak
I am frail
Burning cheek
Limbs fail
I am down
I am done
Brows frown
Love gone
'Impossible relationships.
My special gift is impossible relationships...'
It's deeply distressing when you realise those close to you
don't know you at all.
I mean I understand.
I put up walls.
Thick granite walls.
Very few people have the strength to break them down.
I'll never trust anyone ever again.
I'll never trust myself ever again.
Delete.
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck
I'm not sure what's worse.
Not knowing, or knowing that I could have known
but was too scared to find out.
If only I wasn't so fucking awkward,
I would know now.
I wouldn't feel the way I do,
thinking every day 'what if?'
I'm sure you've moved on,
but I haven't.
I'm sure it meant nothing to you in the first place,
but it did to me.
I'm sure you don't even care anyway,
but I do.
I want to find out.
I want to know.
But I don't know what to do.
Please let me know how.
Now.
It's been a month now since I moved in with you
and I have never been happier.
Truly.
I know now I love you.
For all the good and all the bad - I love you.
I love being near you,
being around you,
and just having conversations with you.
I love looking after you,
making sure you are okay,
and that you are safe in your head and in your heart.
That you can face the day with a smile.
That is what you do for me, after all.
Whatever happens from now on,
I know I will always love you.
I will always want to be with you,
bicker with you and watch TV with you,
drink tea with you and sleep next to you.
Just knowing you are there with me is enough.
Just knowing you love me 'a bit' will be enough.
Only I know how much I love you.
I just hope one day you will feel the same.
I hope, with all my heart and soul, that you do already.
I don't think I've cried this month ... at all.
xxx
She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles
She wonders if you are the one
The one who she can allow those feelings for again
She leans against the window
She rests her head in her hand
She smiles
She knows
It's pointless
feels like I've been thrown into the Loch,
the freezing water sucking me down,
with no one on dry land to throw me a lifeline.
How pathetic must you be,
to empty the contents of your head,
into a shoe box?
Love
The word is weak and meaningless
They say you don't know what you have got until it's gone.
And what they say is true.
I understand that now.
Now it's over.
Mind, I never really had you in the first place did I?
It was never official.
It was never a proper relationship.
It was just sex.
Mad, passionate, glorious sex.
Maybe it is my fault.
Maybe I don't take life 'seriously enough'.
All I know is that at 4.08pm my train will leave Central Station
and you will be in Cambuslang.
And I'm going to miss these last seven weeks forever.
xxx
The rain lashes down remorselessly.
Pelting, splashing, bouncing upwards towards the sky.
The thunder rumbles angrily.
Crashing, reverberating, making its presence felt.
The lightning cracks fearfully,
Illuminating the sky in a cinematic silhouette.
I look out of the window and all is calm.
I realise this tempest exists only in my heart.
Sitting here alone
Silence all around
Can't wait to go to sleep again
Where solace can be found
Gazing up at the pale blue sky
Watching the world go round
Wondering what is kept up there
And why I'm stuck on the ground
Ambivalence haunts all of my dreams
A victim of this I have found
Can't have been waiting in the queue
When the valium was handed around
Lying still in the dead of night
Quaking at every sound
Fate twisting it's evil knife
My emotions forced into the ground
It hurts to see myself like this
My thoughts all tied and bound
But when I can no longer laugh
That's when my life shall end
The Queen is Dead, boys
She is no longer crowned
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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