Who Goes First?

It’s better that I’m living without you

Rather than you living without me

You’d never cope with this pain

It has wrecked me

But it would have destroyed you

And I would have hated that

Mild Peril

I trace those old scars with my finger
I remember the fleeting pain
And the lasting relief

I never told anyone

I hope I'm not about to re-open old wounds

Literally

Passing Notes in Class 6GA

I think we should stop seeing each other.

I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong and we are going to get found out. I feel so much guilt about what we’ve been doing – it’s not fair on her, you or me. It’s not right that we have to keep our relationship a secret. It means I cannot let you get close to me and you deserve more than that. You need someone who can show off what a brilliant guy you are. Not someone who has to hide you away. Like me.

I want you to know that the times we have shared have been really special to me. I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with you and that’s what makes this so much harder. But it has to be done. Although it kills me to say it: we cannot carry on. I love you with all my heart but putting an end to this now will be the best thing for us both in the long run.

I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll treasure the memories of our clandestine meetings forever.

Please don’t forget me. I know I’ll never forget you.

I’m sorry.

Hard/Harder

Falling asleep is hard 
Waking up is harder

Getting showered is hard
Putting on clothes is harder

Making breakfast is hard
Eating it is harder

Leaving the house is hard
Going home is harder

Crossing the road is hard
Looking both ways is harder

Listening to people is hard
Talking to people is harder

Smiling in general is hard
Laughing at jokes is harder

Living with you was hard
Living without you is harder

Jigsaws

You should be here with us.
Reciting these stories, 
reminding us of the facts. 
Pointing out the details,
bringing these memories to life.

We didn't realise
we should have been trying
harder to remember,
as one day you wouldn't be here
to connect the dots.

Waiting

It’s like you’ve been round at your pals house for the evening, and you’re going to call me in a minute to tell me you’re on the bus home…

But you never call…

The Only One

You said I was the only one who made you laugh.
You said I was the only one who made you cry. 
You said I was the only one that made you feel safe.
You said I was the only one you could trust.
You said I was the only one who made you feel special.
You said I was the only one that mattered.
You said I was the only one who taught you patience.
You said I was the only one who taught you to be happy.
You said I was the only one who taught you to love.

Then you left.

And I was the only one who cried.

 

Sleepless in Riddrie

It's when I think about you the most.
In the wee small hours,
When I can't sleep.
Because of you.

It's your fault.
I say it often and it's true.
You have no right to make me feel the way you do.
Constant simultaneous conflicting emotions.

I know it's just sex between us.
But I feel more.
I know it's not the same for you.
You love another, after all.

I feel more of a connection.
Not just physically but mentally too.
I know when you are going to call or send a message.
It's no surprise: I sense it.

But I am scared.
I don't know the rules to your game.
I don't have the capacity to learn.
Perhaps I never will.

It's okay for you.
You have been here before.
But I know you will get sick of me, eventually.
And I won't know what else to do.

Xxx

Random #11

Sticks and stones definitely break bones
And words have always fucking hurt

Stop feeding your kids this bullshit

It only makes things worse

‘Blue Sign’

I was doing really well today you know.

I got out of bed at a reasonable time.
I sang to myself in the shower.
I put on different clothes.
I remembered to fed the cat.

I cleaned the bathroom.
I threw the stale food away from the fridge.
I washed the bed sheets.
I took the rubbish out.

I went for a swim.
I started listening to a new podcast.
I went shopping in the afternoon.
I even flirted with the man who served me.

And then I drove past the blue sign.
And the sky fell in.
And I remembered everything.
And my heart shattered all over again.

Xxx

Falling

I am falling.

Tumbling through the air,

Spinning over and over,

Hurtling towards the ground.

Some fucker has stolen my parachute.

Don’t think I’m surviving this one, eh?

I Can / I Cannot

I can forever buy token things,

But I cannot answer my phone if it rings.

I can try to plug the cavernous gap,

But I cannot avoid that same old trap.

I can seek out frames for your daft wee photos,

But I cannot keep all of your old clothes.

I can find different ways to while away the hours,

But I cannot keep watering those dead flowers.

I can pray today will be warm and sunny,

But I cannot walk around and pretend to be funny.

I can look for answers in the cold grey sky,

But I cannot continue to painfully cry.

I can avoid scenes of actual violence,

But I cannot ensure my wilful silence.

I can try with all I have to get myself through,

But I cannot ever stop myself from loving you.

Fate

I wish I’d never met you.

Life would be easier then.

If I’d never met you I’d never have to forget you.

And I would be happier then.

Random #9

What I wouldn’t give to be creative
and be able to express it.

What I wouldn’t give
isn’t worth knowing about.