I’ll get up to eat
Some food today
As opposed to staying
In bed
Maybe then I’ll find
Ways to busy my mind
Instead of laying there
Like I’m dead
"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I’ll get up to eat
Some food today
As opposed to staying
In bed
Maybe then I’ll find
Ways to busy my mind
Instead of laying there
Like I’m dead
I have
More fun
In my head
That’s why
I prefer
To stay in bed
I always knew
That kissing you
Would be
My biggest regret
The problem I saw
Hours before
Either of us
Got into bed
Who cares if I stayed in bed all day
Watching The World’s Strongest Man
I did it because I enjoy it
I did it because I can
Out With The Old…
At least yesterday
I missed your feast
It was always the part
I liked the least
Faking a smile
Whilst passing the peas
Thank fuck that now
I can eat in peace
(Originally Posted 02.01.2020)
You should never go to bed
On an argument
That is what they say
But what do you do
When he always blames you
And you argue every day
‘Turn Away On Your Side…’
Was
I always
wrong
Or was
I sometimes
right
Not that
it matters
anyway
Now I’m
alone at
night
(Originally Posted 10.09.2020)
I made one into a pillow
To keep with me in bed
But there’s no point in denying
I’ve spent many a night crying
Wishing it was you instead
Your Shirt
I still have it.
Your shirt.
I can feel it.
I can smell it.
I just wish you were still here.
Wearing it.
(Originally Posted 06.09.2019)
I may excel
At many things
But to my eternal dismay
I know fine well
That sleep, it seems,
Will never be quite my forte
The Dream Catcher
Bad thoughts creep
As I’m without sleep
For yet another night
Fears won’t keep
Whilst I lie and weep
Losing the will to fight
(Originally Posted 01.06.2020)
Even now I struggle
To lie on your side of the bed
I just wish you were in it
As often as you are my head
Xxx
A King Sized Longing
Lying in bed
Late at night
I turn over
With a sigh
I reach out
With my hand
But it’s now empty
Where you would lie
Xxx
(Originally Posted 31.05.2021)
As if all I do
Is wander around
And weep into the rain
When I really feel blue
To my bed I am bound
As that is my real domain
Grey Days
I love
walking
on grey days
The raindrops
land on my face
and mingle with
my tears
Hiding them
from prying
eyes
(Originally Posted 02.05.2019)
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
I’m not talking to you anymore
She said
You’re being ridiculously petty
If you’d have listened in the first place
He said
We could have been in bed already
I know
That I’m not
Quite ready
Thoughts of him
Still rife
In my head
But if you
Come around
Happy to be
The rebound
Then I won’t kick you
Out of bed
I haven’t slept
On that side
Even after
All this time
It will forever
Lie empty
As it’s yours
Not mine
Xxx
If the choice
Is to go hard
Or go home
I know
Where I’m headed
It’s four twenty five in the afternoon and I’m still lying in bed.
Trying, in vain, to sleep away the thoughts inside my head.
Perhaps I should get up and go out for a bracing walk instead.
It has to be better than staying in here and wishing I was dead.
(Originally Posted 22.06.2019)
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.
Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.
I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.
Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.
With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.
When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.
He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.
As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.
My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.
I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.
I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.
I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.
I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.
The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…
(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)
I roll over to your side of the bed.
My limbs search for yours,
My lungs for your scent,
My mouth for your kiss.
But all that’s left is your imprint.
So my tears fall into your pillow,
Once again.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
I am so tired
I want to go home
To sit in the quiet
All on my own
For I’ve had enough
Of this battle of wills
I just need some silence
To cure my ills
I can
feel it
coming
onThat
darkness,
my old
friendI’ve not
got out
of bed
in daysAnd
don’t
know if
I will
again
I
miss
youWhen
my
feet
are
coldAnd
how
youWould
always
warm
them
soXxx
Something happened this morning
When I sat up in my bed
I found that instead of yawning
I actually smiled instead
So
this
is
it
Lying
in bed
all day
again
Wine
and
cigarettes
my only
friend
I’m so
bored
of this
shit
I
could
make
myself
sick
I
really
am
nothing
But a
nauseating
prick
Bad thoughts creep
As I’m without sleep
For yet another night
Fears won’t keep
Whilst I lie and weep
Losing the will to fight
As
the rot
starts
to set
in
I
pour
myself
another
gin
To
silence
the pain
in my
head
As
the
thoughts
seem to
shift
My
mood
starts
to
lift
And
I can
finally
get out
of bed
Lying here
Just us two
Isn’t the same
Without you
Xxx
All
those
days we
stayed
in bed
They
rattle
around
inside
my head
Until
the tears
run from
my eyes
As the
love we
shared
slowly
dies
Xxx
How
the
fuck
can
it be
right
That
I have
to sleep
alone
tonight
I never
thought
that I
would be
On my
own at
thirty
three
Please
stop
your
incessant
noise
Or I’ll
send
round
one of
the boys
I’ve
slept
most
of the
night
tonight
And I
haven’t
yet
got
out
of bed
I wish
I could
say
I am
ill or
something
But
it’s
actually
just
apathy
instead
I’m not
moving
from
my bed
today
At least
until this
hangover
goes
away
Then
I’ll curl
up on my
favourite
armchair
And eat
crisps
all night
without
a care
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