Pulling Myself Together

It would not be

That unusual for me

To view my own mental health

As simply cliché

And to explain it away

As just feeling sorry for myself


The Gloom

Does it
follow me

Or do I
chase it

Either way
around

It’s still
pretty shit

(Originally Posted 30.10.2019)

Rituals

I’ve picked up a few

Tips and tricks

Over the years

That I’ve been hurting

And although some work

My demons still lurk

So I’m never too far away

From reverting


Harm Reduction

I’ve been
trying
so hard
to break
this chain

So I’ve
drawn on
my arms
with Biro
again

At least,
this time,
it’s just
a token

And my
skin,
for now,
remains
unbroken

(Originally Posted 24.10.2019)

The Feeling

It started out quite innocently

When I was just a kid

I used to pull my hair out

To stop me flipping my lid

But then as I grew older

Things took a darker turn

A wee nick here

A wee cut there

Sometimes even a burn

It’s not something I’m proud of

Or something anyone should aspire to do

But I can’t deny

That down the line

It’s those things that got me through


Thoughts #4

Sliced wide open again

For all the world to see

If only there was

Another way

To let the poison free

(Originally Posted 07.10.2021)

Clear Cut

To be fair

If you did

I wouldn’t need

To confess

As it radiates

From me

Like stale beer

And cigarettes


Emptiness

At one time
perhaps
I would have
said yes

But the
desire now
I no longer
possess

Should you
ever try
your love
to profess

To this
emptiness
inside I
would confess

(Originally Posted 01.10.2019)

Ruined

I’d love to say

That two years on

That I have cleaned up my act

But from what I suffered

My body never recovered

And my mind will always be cracked


Old Habits

As my
veins
drip
with
chip
fat

And
my
lungs
marinate
in
tar

I
wonder
if,
perhaps
this
time,

I’ve
taken
things
too
far

(Originally Posted 28.09.2020)

La Vie En Tequila Rose

I went out a lot

In twenty nineteen

To live,

To laugh,

And to everything in-between


The Shot Glass

Drink,
drink,
and drink
again.

You know
that I’m
your only
friend.

(Originally Posted 25.09.2019)

Short Sleeves

Once, I thought

I had no choice

But my innermost feeling to hide

But now I know

That given room to grow

I can wear my scars with pride


Another Notch

A
little
nick
here

A
little
cut
there

It
doesn’t
hurt
anymore

Not
that
I’d
care…

(Originally Posted 19.09.2019)

On Deaf Ears

I couldn’t begin tell you

How true this one still is

As even now I spend each morning

Screaming into the abyss


#7 The Banshee

After all the wailing

And gnashing of teeth

There’s no point in being violent

From now on

With my spirit long gone

All my screams will be silent

(Originally Posted 02.09.2021)

A Different Box Of Tricks

There are other ways

To deal with pain

Instead of creating your own,

Again


Scissors

It’s time
to put you
back in
your box

To fasten
the lid
and change
the locks

I cannot
continue
down this
path

For if I
do there
is no way
back

(Originally Posted 21.08.2019)

Birthdays Are The Worst Days

I still don’t know

What the fuck to do

Even though today

I’m forty two


Entering My Fifth Decade

So I
turned
forty
today

And
what
exactly
did
I do?

Nothing

But
drink,
smoke
and cry
too much

Like
every
other
day

Without
you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 08.08.2020)

Faith, Devotion And My Imaginary Boys

Each a favourite band

To have on hand

When life gets a little bit dark

For there’s nothing finer

Than a guy in eyeliner

To help mend a broken heart


Cure Mode

Enjoying
the
silence

With my
pictures
of you

Running
to your
heart to
be near

And
although
pleasures
remain

As you
fall into
my arms

Equally,
so does
the pain

(Originally Posted 28.07.2020)

‘I Don’t Need A Gun To Blow My Mind’

This was just one route

That I’d considered

Amongst the many others

I had planned

I’d completely lost the plot

I think

In a way not many

Would understand

It seems that I

Had turned that choice

Into some kind of

Romantic notion

Which, it seems

For a while at least

Is how I coped

With my emotions

It took me some time

To best those thoughts

And to comprehend

The brutality of falling

But that’s not to say

They truly went away

And all I’m doing now, really

Is stalling


Look Out!

Falling

Tumbling

Through the air

Wondering

What it’s like

Down there

People standing

Faces aghast

Yet I don’t care

As I breathe my last

(Originally Posted 19.07.2020)

Filling A Hole

There was a period of time

After he died

When I returned to my old ways

Auditioning random men

As a replacement

All in a drunken haze

Thankfully

It didn’t last

And it proved to be just a phase

As I realised

Pretty quickly

It didn’t help with my malaise


On A Promise

What happens when the music stops

She said

Do we have to go home?

Wherever you end up going

He said

You won’t be going alone

(Originally Posted 01.07.2021)

Omnipresent

It has gotten easier

To get out of bed

But life without him

Has not

For there is little relief

From the pain of grief

And that is now my lot


Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

(Originally Posted 27.06.2019)

And The Blues Continues

Five cans

Six cans

Seven cans

Eight

No point

Stopping now

It’s already

Too late


Six Pack Blues

One can

Two cans

Three cans

Four

Perhaps

I should eat

Before

I drink

Any more

(Originally Posted 19.06.2020)

Seeing Stars

As my cuts bleed

I beg and plead

That this pain

Will be my last


Internal Bleeding

Words
can’t
explain

This
eternal
ache

It
hurts
so much

When
I’m
awake

(Originally Posted 17.05.2020)

A Healthy Slice

Upon my skin

Those scars abound

A better release

I’ve never found


Precision

Just be
careful
not to
slip

Not one
ounce of
blood to
drip

For you
do not want
them to
see

Just how
messed
up you
can be

(Originally Posted 27.04.2020)

In

The days still march on,

But now I run forward.

Always in step,

Everything in place,

And just about in time.


Out

The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.

(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)

Relieved

The scars I carry

Across my body

May well be off the chart

But now I focus

On pulling myself together

Instead of tearing myself apart


Relief

As I
open
up my
scars

The
blood
flows
once
more

As I
begin
to see
stars

I fall,
sated,
to the
floor

(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)

The Limbic Lament

If alcohol doesn’t soothe me

And music doesn’t move me

It’s no wonder I can’t cope

This crippling anxiety

Coupled with impropriety

Has left me devoid of hope

Accountability

It was you who made things difficult

It was you who made things worse

You who added injury to insult

It was you who left me cursed

It was you who made me doubt myself

It was you who made me cry

You who just pleased yourself

It was you who never asked why

But as for all that has followed

All that has now came to be

Every pill that I have swallowed

That’s on no one else but me

Season’s Beatings

I fucking hate Christmas

Just like Christmas hates me

Walking on eggshells all day

Faking smiles around a tree

I learned when I was five

Santa doesn’t deliver for free

That he prefers ‘good little girls’

And the one he favoured that year was me

As an adult I’ve tried to make it better

To erase him from my memory

But I still fucking hate Christmas

Just like Christmas hates me

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