I wish I’d never met you.
Life would be easier then.
If I’d never met you
I wouldn’t have to forget you.
And I would be happier then.
(Originally Posted 09.03.2019)
"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
I wish I’d never met you.
Life would be easier then.
If I’d never met you
I wouldn’t have to forget you.
And I would be happier then.
(Originally Posted 09.03.2019)
I’m glad
I kept
your aftershave,
so that I
can wear
it too.It’s the
only thing
that I
have left,
that keeps
me close
to you.(Originally Posted 14.06.2019)
I never thought
I had a heart
Until it broke
In two
Life goes on,
now I’m alone,
as tears wash
over me
like rain.Time moves on,
as I come undone,
with fear that
I’ll never
love again.(Originally Posted 10.07.2019)
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.
Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.
I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.
Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.
With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.
When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.
He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.
As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.
My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.
I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.
I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.
I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.
I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.
The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.
I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…
(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)
It will get better with time
They lied
Before my tears
Had even dried
I think that I forgot myself
Somewhere along the way
So not only have I lost you
I’ve got a whole life to replay
(Originally Posted 28.07. 2019)
My eyes weep
As my heart aches
I hope you’re happy now
My mind breaks
As my guts bleed
I hope you’re happy now
My soul scars
As you leave
I hope you’re happy now
(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)
I
never
thought
This
would
be
How
all
this
would
end
Me
living
here
alone
Without
my
best
friend
(Originally Posted 21.06.2019)
You should be here with us.
Reciting these stories,
Reminding us of the facts,
Pointing out the details,
Bringing these memories to life.
We didn't realise, back then,
We'd need to remember it all.
As one day you wouldn't be here,
To connect the dots...
(Originally Posted 13.03.2019)
I was doing really well today you know.
I got out of bed at a reasonable time.
I sang to myself in the shower.
I put on different clothes.
I remembered to fed the cat.
I cleaned the bathroom.
I threw out the stale food from the fridge.
I washed the bed sheets.
I took the rubbish out.
I went for a swim.
I started listening to a new podcast.
I went shopping in the afternoon.
I even flirted with the man who served me.
And then I drove past the blue sign.
And the sky fell in.
And I remembered everything.
And my heart shattered all over again.
(Originally Posted 11.03.2019)
I roll over to your side of the bed.
My limbs search for yours,
My lungs for your scent,
My mouth for your kiss.
But all that’s left is your imprint.
So my tears fall into your pillow,
Once again.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
Widowed when you're 38
He said
That's my plan for you
Well all I can say to that
She said
Is seriously, fuck you
(Originally Posted 14.4.2019)
As I stand here I wonder…
Who would care, really?
Who would cry?
Who would be bothered to stop and ask why?
Should I? Shouldn’t I?
I couldn’t really go through with it though, could I?
Who would laugh?
Who would sigh?
Is it even possible from up this high?
And then I jump.
Without another care in the world,
or even so much as a goodbye.
(Originally Posted 17.06.2019)
I've tried to write about happy things
But the words don't seem to flow
Perhaps I've forgotten happy things
And sadness is all I know
(Originally Posted 03.04.2019)
Death leaves
scars on the
hearts of
the living.
Unstitchable
wounds
destined to
irritate those
forced to
bear them,
forever.
(Originally Posted 13.5.2019)
Falling asleep is hard
Waking up is harder
Getting showered is hard
Putting on clothes is harder
Making breakfast is hard
Eating it is harder
Leaving the house is hard
Going home is harder
Crossing the road is hard
Looking both ways is harder
Listening to people is hard
Talking to people is harder
Smiling in general is hard
Laughing at jokes is harder
Living with you was hard
Living without you is harder
(Originally Posted 13.3.2019)
If this is how life is going to be
Then I wish to play no part.
I have neither the strength nor the desire
To risk another broken heart.
(Originally Posted 19.05.2019)
I’ve never met anyone else
Who could spin a tale like you
Who tied people in knots with laughter
Who turned the air so cheekily blue
You were a master of your trade
The likes of which there’ll only ever be one
I’ll never forget your stories
Even now you’re gone
You’ll always be my hero
And a treasure to many more
I hope one day we’ll meet again
My Glaswegian raconteur
Xxx
Plus the grief
Of their families
Too
You can shove
Your sorrys
Up your arse,
Boris
As this buck stops
With you
If there’s one thing I’ve learned
It’s that you can’t skip the stages
Even if moving forward
Feels like it’s taking fucking ages
If you jump too far forward
You only fall further back
And all you do is store your pain
For further down the track