Tag: depression

Power

I’ve walked
along
this road
before

Feeling
lonely
and
insecure

At least
this time
I know
for sure

You
cannot
hurt me
anymore

9

Don’t Touch Me

People
like me
can never
be loved

It’s something we
won’t allow

People
like me
can never
be loved

We simply don’t
know how

2

Apathy & Deception

How the
fuck am
I going
to get
through
today
when I
can’t even
open my
eyes?

Why the
fuck am
I even
bothering
today
when
my life
is just
a myriad
of lies?

6

Pretty Sure

I’ll look again,
if you like,
but I’m pretty
sure there’s none.

Fun, happiness,
joy, laughter,
I’m pretty sure
they’ve gone.

0

Careless

Waking up to find that,
once again,
I’ve lost my mind
at some point
during the night…

0

No Air

It’s too hot to think
as I sit here on the brink
of yet another nervous breakdown…

4

Not Today

No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.

Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.

4

The Trip

I’m done
with
this shithole
today

I’m packing
up and
running
away

Far
from where
the sun
can catch me

And to where
the pleasure
of pain
distracts me

0

I Already Know

I already
know I’m
a piece
of shit

I don’t
need you
to remind
me of it

I already
know I’m
a bitter
old crone

I don’t need
you pointing
out that I’ll
forever be alone

I already
know my
cuts are
too deep

I don’t
need you
to watch
them weep

I already
know that
I’m dead
inside

I don’t need
you telling me
there’s nowhere
left to hide

4

Wednesday 11am (Pt 2)

So I managed,
in the end,
to get out of bed

And it’s been a
shitty day so far,
just as I said

So I was right,
I should never
have tried

For I’ll never
escape this
pain inside

5

Wednesday 2.30am (Pt 1)

I can’t even
bear the thought
of what’s to
come tomorrow

No doubt
it’ll just
be more misery
and sorrow

Perhaps I’d
be better
off staying
in bed

Then I might
just escape
these thoughts
in my head

3

When Will It End?

Biting my nails
until they bleed,
doesn’t give me
the relief I need.

Scratching my skin
until it’s breaking,
doesn’t stop my
heart from aching.

When will it end,
this pain I’m feeling?
When does it stop,
when do I start healing?

0

Depression (Part 2)

Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink shit loads of booze

Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore

Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed

Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known

3

The Struggle

When you see me, you see the finished article.

Washed, dressed, hair in place, make up on and a smile on my face.

But you don’t see what it takes to get there.

You don’t see me trying to muster the strength to open my eyes in the morning.

You don’t see me forcing my weary bones out of bed.

You don’t see me berating myself as I sob in the shower.

You don’t see me looking in the mirror as I question whether or not today is the day.

You don’t see me wracked with indecision on what to wear.

You don’t see me soothing my pain as I twist and pull out my hair.

You don’t see me apply make up in the hope it makes me disappear.

You don’t see me riddled with anxiety as I lurk in the doorway.

You don’t see me breathing deeply before finally pushing open the office door.

When you see me, you see the finished article.

But just because you don’t see the struggle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Just because you see me smile, it doesn’t mean it’s real.

How I look, is not how I feel.

18

Leftovers

A weary,
confused mind.

A hollow,
empty heart.

As bleak as it is,
it’s all I have.

As my life has
fallen apart.

0

Dwelling

Pain helps, momentarily.

It provides a fleeting relief.

Then the numbness returns.

And living inside this emotionless abyss, continues.

0

Crutches

I fear
I have
lent on
you once
too often,
and now
you are
as broken
as me.

I should
never have
asked for
your help,
to be
honest,
as now
you’ll never
be free.

0

Incurable

Grief is like
an incurable
disease.

Taunting
your
thoughts.

Decimating
your
desire.

Liquidating
your
love.

6

Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

0

At All

I reach
for your hand,
but it’s not there,
and further into
the abyss
I fall.

I search
for your face,
but no one cares,
and it’s like you
were never here
at all.

0

Five A Day

An
apple
a day
may
keep
the
doctor
away.

But
it’s a
pill
at night
that makes
me feel
alright.

0

The Corner of My Eye

I thought I saw you today.

Twice.

The first, when you were waiting to cross the road.

The second, when you were ahead of me in the queue at the post office.

It was only when you turned around, and I saw your face, that I realised it wasn’t you.

And I remembered, with a desperate ache, why it could never be you.

And I cried again today.

Twice.

6

The Reverse

I’ve never felt happiness,
I don’t know what it is.

I’ve never seen happiness
But I’m sure that it’s not this.

0

Round the Bend

Does it make me crazy,
if I turn and talk to you anyway?

Does it make me insane,
if I see you when you’re not there?

Does it make me nuts,
if I know you’re always with me?

Does it make me mad,
if I still care?

0

Monsters

They are always there,
Gnawing away at my brain.

One day I will kill them,
And I shall smile again.

0

Another Day…

Another day of pretence dawns,

And my heart is full of dread.

Another chasm in my mind yawns,

And I wish that I was dead.

0

Insanity

Upon making the journey,
to the furthest corners
of my mind,
it occurs to me.

What if I can’t remember
the way back?

0

No Idea

Stop asking me questions…

… When you are in no way prepared for the answers.

9

Never Stop

If I turn on the tap,
it’ll never stop flowing.

If I turn on the rage,
it’ll never stop glowing.

If I turn on my mind,
it’ll never stop knowing.

If I turn on my grief,
it’ll never stop showing.

It will never stop,
this seed I am sewing.

0

The Silent Killer

I’m just sitting here,

Waiting it out,

Biding my time.

Soon,

The axe will fall.

And it’ll all be over.

Thankfully.

0

An Unwanted Gift

You’ll always carry it with you,
The pain.

You can try to wrap it differently.

Use an alternative box,
Choose a shiny wrapping paper.
Secure it with ribbon,
Even glue on a fucking huge bow,
If you like.

But you’ll still carry it with you,
The pain.

Like a gaudy present nobody wants to open.
An unwanted gift you can never return.

4

Lifeline

The rubber ring
floats
towards me.

Thank you
for throwing
it down.

But I have
no desire
to grab it.

The rocks
in my pocket
are all
I need.

0

The Loaded Gun

Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.

I try to hold on,
To ignore the loaded gun
As I trudge through another day.

0

For You

I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.

I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.

I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.

0

Indecision

It's a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.

As I stand and shiver 
I can't help but think...

What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?
0

Just

I don’t really want to die.

At least I don’t think I do.

I just want the pain to stop.

Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.

Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.

Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.

I just want that spark back.

I just want you back.

I just want you.

0

He Said / She Said

One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said

But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said

One day
Somebody might love you
He said

But today
Nobody does
She said

0

Drowning

The girl in the river,

She never thought she would be.

The girl in the river,

She didn’t want you to see.

The girl in the river,

She just wanted to be free.

The girl in the river,

She is me.

0

Free Fall

I’ve always been troubled.

Born with a darkness at my core.

An ugliness seeping through every fibre of my being.

My body infected with an overall malaise.

I’ve learned, over the years, to hide the monster from most.

Although your death has left me in free fall,

The fact I hate myself and want to die is nothing new.

That’s how I know I can get through this.

And that I’ll be ok.

0

For Me

Something has to give,
For me to find a reason to live.

Something has to change,
For me to avoid the firing range.

Something good has to come,
For me to choose not to succumb.

Something better has to start,
For me to stop tearing myself apart.

Some other story must be told,
For me to finally come in out of the cold.

0

Mornings

Mornings are the worst.

Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day without you.

To be honest, I’d rather not bother.

But I suppose I do have bills to pay.

And I do have to feed the cat.

0

April Fool’s Day

You can stop writing your pithy little poems, for your soul mate isn’t dead.

Your tears need no longer flow.

Your heart can beat again.

It’s an April Fool,

You fool.

0

Travel

It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.

How beautiful the country you visit,

How fascinating the people you meet,

How much booze you drink.

You can’t run away from your thoughts.

You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.

Travel solves nothing.

0

Freezing

I tried really hard today.

To laugh.

To be normal.

To forget.

And I managed, for a while.

But still I lie in bed here, freezing, hoping to go to sleep and dream of you.

0

Pretence

People are easy to fool, on the whole, I find.

They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…

0

Alphabet Heart

Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.
0

The Meaning of Life

Half laughing at some shit joke

Badly told by some prick you can't stand

One eye trained on the nearest exit

But too scared to take your hand

And run

 

2

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

4

Must Try Harder

You must try harder, he says.

Harder to smile,

Harder to laugh,

Harder to forgive,

Harder to forget,

Harder to live again,

Harder to love again.

You must try harder, he says.

I can’t, she whispers

I’m sorry.

0

Questions

When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?

 

0

Go

Maybe it would be for the best if I left
Just got the fuck out of here for good 

Let's face it, I could

I have no responsibilities
I have no commitments
I have nothing

And it's not like anyone wants me to stay anyway
0

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