"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
Those oceans feel
A little calmer now
As those days
Have passed me by
So from here
I’ll just tread water
Hoping for help
Before I die
The Drowning Girl
Tears
run into
oceans
Hours
bleed into
days
As I go
through
the motions
Trapped
between
the waves
(Originally Posted 21.01.2021)
You think that when
Someone dies
It’s the big things
That you’ll miss
But what causes pain
To grieving brain
Is missing the small things
That they did
Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day
I can’t
even
change
The time
on the
oven
It’s just
one more
thing
I have
discovered
Since
you’ve
gone
(Originally Posted 04.01.2020)
I know you put
A brave face on
I know as I did it
Myself
Not just because
You’re thinking of others
But more to protect
Yourself
Are You Okay?
I want to ask
But I’m far too scared
For I already know
As into those depths
I’ve stared
(Originally Posted 02.01.2020)
It’ll most likely be
Like the last four
Wondering what the fuck
I stuck around for
20/20
However
will I
make it
through
Another
year
without
you?
(Originally Posted 31.12.2019)
Grief affects everyone
In many different ways
Yet some among us
Prove lucky enough
To escape the daily malaise
Poles Apart
I still cry myself to sleep
Not that you’d know
You selfish creep
You think because
We all lost him
That we both feel the same
But you haven’t got
A fucking clue
Of how I live each day in pain
(Originally Posted 30.12.2020)
Of course I remember
How it feels
Down to the very last letter
But it wouldn’t matter
What I tried
Nothing can make it better
Utterly Helpless
I really wish
I could do more
Like pick you up
from the bathroom floor
Hug you when
your heart is breaking
Give you comfort
when your bones are aching
But for as much as
your pain to me is known
This is a journey
you must walk alone
(Originally Posted 27.12.2019)
There was nothing else
That I could do
Nothing else
That I could say
Other than
To remind them all
That it’s just
Another day
Brutal Honesty
I wish
I could
take
Your
pain
away
Tell
you
everything
Will
be
okay
But
I know
the truth
It
doesn’t
get
better
When
what
you had
Is lost
forever
(Originally Posted 27.12.2019)
It’s the time of year
Again
For that age old
Platitude
The one I’m expected
To receive
With a kindly
Gratitude
“It must be hard for you”
They say
“Especially at this time of year”
I want
To say
It’s hard
Every day
But that’s not
What they want to hear
Who The Fuck Are ‘They’ Anyway?
Time heals
Or so they say
Well, let me tell you
They fucking lie
Time does nothing
But march on
And you’re left
With no right to reply
(Originally Posted 22.12.2021)
I’m not sure
Who suffers more
Those who are
Oblivious
Or those who know
What’s in store
Identity Crisis
In
some
ways
losing
myself
has
been
harder
than
losing
you
(Originally Posted 22.12.2019)
The worst is in the office
With the radio on
And no-one bats an eyelid
When they play our favourite song
Xxx
Name That Tune
People play
those songs
With no notion
of this pain
No idea that
when I hear them
My heart bleeds
for you again
(Originally Posted 18.12.2019)
Never
Do I feel this more
Than each time I walk
Through that door
Sown Up
I don’t feel better.
I haven’t forgotten.
I’ve just stopped telling you,
How I feel.
(Originally Posted 15.12.2020)
I thought having sex with strangers
Would get him out of my head
And though it filled a hole
That wasn’t my goal
So now it’s back to my own bed
Going Too Far
Lying
here
alone
In
this
strange
bed
Wondering
what the
fuck
Was
in my
head
Now I
must
ignore
This
feeling
of dread
And
stop
wishing
that I’d
Stayed
home
instead
(Originally Posted 07.12.2020)
I can clean it with antiseptic
He said
And cover it with a plaster
It won’t make any difference
She said
It’s still a fucking disaster
Bleeding
It feels
like I’ve
been
robbed,
she said,
Of the
only
love
in my
life
This
pain
just
runs
so deep,
she sobbed,
As it
cuts
through me
like a
knife
(Originally Posted 05.12.2019)
Where is it you’re going
He asked
To the mountains
She replied
I need the peace and quiet
She said
To get through the day he died
This Next Wee While
If you
notice
that I’ve
gone
There is
no need
to worry
Sometimes
I have
to run
away
From
situations
in a hurry
But
do not
doubt my
return
Please,
fret
ye not
I will
be back
very
soon
To
fully
reclaim
my
spot
(Originally Posted 30.11.2019)
Many more moons
Have passed since then
And plenty of suns
Now too
In fact it’s been
1,458 days
That I’ve been here
Without you
Xxx
Many A Moon
As that
day draws
ever closer
The pain
cannot be
avoided
To think
it was just
a year ago
When my
whole world
imploded
(Originally Posted 28.11.2019)
“Think of your feelings as friends to be understood, not enemies to be fought.”
– Alan D Wolfelt
You may well have been dead
Nearly four years to the day
Yet you still have the power
To take my breath away
Xxx
A Different Coat
I cried for
hours this
morning
I found your
notebook in
my pocket
Now I’ve
started to
read it
I don’t
know how
to stop it
(Originally Posted 19.11.2019)
That day
Still comes
Every year
Despite
My avoidance
As it
Draws near
One Year Ago
If I
just
don’t
think
about
it
Then
maybe
that
day
won’t
come
I’m
just
not
sure
I can
face it
When
all
is
said
and
done
(Originally Posted 11.11.2019)
It’s alright for you
As all you need to do
Is remember him
On special occasions
Well I feel that way
Every fucking day
So you’ll never know
My frustrations
Clueless
You
think
you
know
But
you
have
no clue
What
I’ve
had to
let go
Or
what I
still go
through
(Originally Posted 30.10.2019)
Three years on
And here I am
Having been kept waiting
With my life on hold
My heart stone cold
And my tears still accumulating
Tell Me
Do
these
tears
ever
stop?
(Originally Posted 28.10.2019)
Another well meaning question
Asked way too expectantly
Answered without hesitation
Although far too respectfully
Tight Lipped
I am
not
trying
to be
mean
Or to
cause
yet
another
scene
So before
my fuse
is well
and truly
blown
Please
just piss
off and
leave me
alone
(Originally Posted 26.10.2019)
All those little things
That you think matter
Mean literally nothing
When your heart is shattered
Flowers
You never
once
bought
me flowers
Which used
to make
me mad
Now I don’t
give a fuck
about any
of that stuff
I just
want you
back
(Originally Posted 20.10.2019)
If you’ve ever planned a funeral
Then I’m sure you’ll relate to this
It’s easy not to crack
When focused on the task
But when it’s done, you fall to shit
Keeping Busy
It’s been
a busy
few days
In
many
ways
But now all
my tasks are
completed
So with
nothing
left to do
I’ll soon
be thinking
of you
And how
I’ve been left
feeling cheated
(Originally Posted 17.10.2019)
Why don’t you just move on
They ask
And find another man
I’ve neither the inclination
I reply
Or the attention span
Stupid Questions
Do
you
still
think
of him
They
ask
Every
single
day
I
reply
Will
you
ever
stop
They
ask
Not
until
the
day
I die
(Originally Posted 08.10.2020)
I remember there was
A lot of this back then
People calling, fawning,
And trying to be my friend
Now I think about it, perhaps,
They just didn’t know what to say
But at the time I recall how much I wished
They’d just stayed the fuck away
Fake Flowers
Your fake
concern
disgusts me
Your false
condolences
knock me sick
If you
really want
to comfort me
Just piss off
and leave me
alone,
Prick
(Originally Posted 07.10.2019)
It is hard to accept
Death is the last
That nothing more
Will come to pass
There is no healing
Or making sense of it all
When you’re the one left reeling
On the other side of the wall
One Night In Heaven
Now
we’ll
never
hold
hands
again
Walk
in the
park
or
kiss in
the rain
That
only my
fading
memory
of us
remains
Just
breaks
my heart
and blows
my
brains
(Originally Posted 04.09.2020)
I probably did write this
On a Tuesday
Fuelled by coffee
And nicotine
But in truth
This could’ve been posted
On any given day
Back in twenty nineteen
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of any improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more emotion can I conceal
Before I decide to end it all for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
I thought it was just me
Back then
But now I know I’m just one of many
Death affects everyone
As we all feel loss, innately
Only You
With my
heart
in my
mouth
And my
head
in my
hands
It saddens
me to realise
That no one
understands
(Originally Posted 28.09.2019)
Seriously
They said
Do you have to be so fucking dramatic
One day you will feel the same
She said
When you experience something as tragic
The Double Bed
It’s been so quiet
Since you left
All I hear
Is my own breath
As I lie here alone
And wait for death
(Originally Posted 25.09.2020)
I went out a lot
In twenty nineteen
To live,
To laugh,
And to everything in-between
The Shot Glass
Drink,
drink,
and drink
again.
You know
that I’m
your only
friend.
(Originally Posted 25.09.2019)
Three years on
And although further forward
By the pain of his death
I am still tortured
At A Bedside, Desolate
There
is no
more
hope.
There
are no
more
dreams.
My life
continues
to fall apart
at the seams,
As I
lie here
thinking
of you.
And
wondering
what the fuck
I’m supposed
to do,
Now.
(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)
That I ever thought
Those pills would work
Is actually quite preposterous
For I have found
To my cost
That the pit of my stomach is bottomless
Prescription For A Broken Heart
I took
the first
one this
morning
The rest
won’t be
hard to
swallow
Soon
my belly
will be
full
And I’ll
no longer
feel so
hollow
(Originally Posted 24.09.2019)
To be fair
I have gotten better
I can look at a photo
Or read a letter
But I find it best
Not to get too immersed
Because, after all,
It still fucking hurts
Wall Art
I can’t
look at
your
photos
anymore
They make
my heart
too heavy
and my eyes
too sore
(Originally Posted 20.09.2019)
I still don’t really understand
Why I was left feeling so at sea
As I was always the one
Who steadied our ship
It’s not like you ever looked after me
Without You
Life
is just
shit
without
you
I’ve got
nothing
left to
hold
on to
If
only
you were
still
here
Then I’d
have
nothing
left
to fear
(Originally Posted 19.09.2019)
You really have to stop hoping
She said
That all of this will end
To think you’ll ever be free
She said
Really is madness my friend
Sunrise
I woke
up crying
again today
So much so
I struggled
to breathe
How much
longer must
I endure this?
When is
there an end
to this grief
(Originally Posted 18.09.2019)
Grief doesn’t come with a manual
And neither, you’ll find, does life
So you just have to go on
Now they’re gone
And hope that you stay alive
NUMB
I
didn’t
think
It
would
be
like
this
Whatever
this
is
(Originally Posted 17.09.2019)
When feelings
Are so intrinsic
Language
Is best kept simplistic
Random #19
It
just
fucking
hurts
(Originally Posted 14.09.2019)
I know you’re looking
To me for help
But I am just
As clueless myself
I’m Sorry
It hurt
to see
the pain
in your
eyes
I felt
every
ache
of your
heart
If only
I could
ease the
anguish
you feel
But
I’ve no
wisdom
left to
impart
(Originally Posted 10.09.2019)
Nothing prepares them
For what’s to come
The devastation
And then some
All I can say
As I watch them have fun
Is just be there for them
When they are done
Piercing
It looks
like this
situation
I may have
misjudged
As not
once did I
think it
would hurt
this much
(Originally Posted 09.09.2019)
We both met up again last night
And as we held each other tight
We reveled in our connection to you
Before parting in the morning hue
Your Birthday
Yesterday
we
remembered
you.
Together,
in this
city, just
us two.
We laughed,
and smoked
and drank
too much beer.
Both of us
wishing you
were still
fucking here.
Xxx
(Originally Posted 08.09.2019)
I booked the day off work today
As I knew I’d want to be alone
I wouldn’t want to see anyone
Or even speak on the phone
It’s not that I’m ungrateful
Or I don’t appreciate the intent
But people just don’t realise
That, emotionally, I’m spent
Rest In Peace
Someone
sent me
flowers
today
And for
their
kindness
I was
thankful
But
I still
chucked
them
in the
bin
For of
condolences
I’ve had
a tankful
(Originally Posted 08.09.2020)
I know what you did
That day
How you made sure
Your pain
Stopped
Were You Afraid Of Dying?
It
was
awful
to see
you
waste
away
Neither
of us
knowing
why
Now
my
only
hope
Is
you
are
smoking
dope
At
that
great
gig in
the
sky
Xxx
(Originally Posted 07.09.2020)
It doesn’t compare
It’s not the same thing
I lost the man completely
Not just my wedding ring
That Morning
You
can
try
to
imagine
But
you
can
never
know
How
much
it
tore
me
apart
When
I had
to let
him go
Xxx
(Originally Posted 07.09.2020)
I reach
for his
hand
Every
day
But
nothing
makes
The
pain
go away
That
It’s
just not
right
That you
won’t be
here when
I look
tonight
It’s
just not
fair
That I’ll
reach for
your hand
and it won’t
be there
(Originally Posted 07.09.2019)
I wrote this one
On a train
Making my way
Back home again
I remember she asked me
Why it was I cried
‘Because he’s dead’
I replied
The Removal Van
All
my dreams
are dead.
All that’s left
is this room
inside my head,
Where you
once lived.
I wish
you’d move
back in.
(Originally Posted 07.09.2019)
I know it comes evey year
Yet I’m still no more prepared
As much as I try
I’m still left high and dry
With any chance to move on impaired
That Day
I’m scared
of what
that day
will bring,
As I
know it’s
approaching
fast.
Even if
it’s the
start of
my future,
There’s no
way of
forgetting
my past.
(Originally Posted 05.09.2019)
I went back to work too early
Of that I have no doubt
But with bills to pay
Much to my dismay
I had no choice but to force myself out
Tuesday
I called in sick for work today.
My heart just couldn’t come out to play.
All I’ve done is lie in bed
Filled with thoughts of fear and dread.
With nausea consuming every movement,
My mood shows no sign of improvement.
I hate existing like this.
Full of anger, self loathing and all that shit.
I wonder how much more I can conceal
Before I decide to end it for real
(Originally Posted 03.09.2019)
Now I don’t bother
With feelings at all
They wouldn’t get it
Even if I tried
No one cares
As it was my man,
Not theirs,
Who so unexpectedly died
Locked Away
As the
chasm
between
us
Continues
to grow
It gets
harder
and
harder
My
feelings
to show
Xxx
(Originally Posted 01.09.2020)
This was so true
For much of that first year
In fact it’s only now
I have realised
How much his illness
And his death
Had left me
Paralysed
The Robbery
Your illness
robbed you
of your life
And it
robbed me
of my mind
Your death
still cuts me
like a knife
So now
to madness
I am inclined
(Originally Posted 01.09.2019)
I wish I could update this one
Comment on how it has aged
Yet it seems that when
I pick up the pen
It’s only my tears that fill the page
I Hope So
Sing
to me
some
more
She
said
For
your
voice
I hold
so dear
I’ll
always
sing to
you
He
said
Even
when
I’m no
longer
here
Xxx
(Originally Posted 01.09.2020)
This is it
Where she now lies
The lonely widow
Who always cried
If only she
Had married again
Perhaps she may
Have forgotten her pain
Lovers Reunited
If I
can’t have
the one
that’s gone
then I’ll
just wait
out here,
alone,
until there’s
an end
to all
this pain
and our
hearts can
beat together
again
(Originally Posted 31.08.2019)
All those petty squabbles you had
The cold shoulders and silent treatment
They all come home to roost,
You know,
When you’re dealing with bereavement
Bedtime Bickering
And
you
accuse
me of
being
flirtatious?
When
your
behaviour
tonight
has been
outrageous!
(Originally Posted 30.08.2020)
I used to hide
So much back then
I’m amazed I got through the day
Reading this I remember
How exhausted I was
Pretending that I was okay
Secret Anxiety
Sickness grows
Frustration shows
Conversation slows
But no one knows
(Originally Posted 28.09.2019)
People say things
Get better with time
Which may be their truth
But it isn’t mine
Not Long Now
Each day brings
Yet more false hope
Along with an another
Earth shattering new low
I really am just
Biding my time now
Waiting until
It’s my turn to go
(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)
Then you asked
If I got it back
Never
I replied
That was the day
When it all
Went black
And I was forever
Left dead inside
Q&A
You ask
What
I left
Behind
Nothing
I answer
Just
My mind
(Originally Posted 24.08.2020)
You don’t even remember
The time of year
Let alone the date
You’ve moved on
Even though he’s gone
While all I can do is wait
Left
I
missed
you
again
today
Everyone
else
had
gone
away
And
it was
just me
here
alone
Crying
for the
love
I had
once
known
(Originally Posted 19.08.2019)
There were so many photos taken
Back in twenty nineteen
And I had to pose
All alone
With a gap where you should’ve been
Speechless
There is so much
I want to tell you
So many things
I want to share
But my tears flow
all over again
When I realise
you’re not there
(Originally Posted 15.08.2019)
Stain free
Pain free
Neither really
Matter to me
As I’m still mad
And deeply sad
That this is how
It has to be
Only Sadness Remains
I wander barefoot
in the rain
Trying to wash
away your stain
Now that I’m left
in eternal pain
I’d give anything
to laugh again
(Originally Posted 12.08.2019)
I don’t
know
what you
expected
You knew
something
inside me
had changed
It wasn’t
just your
advances
I rejected
It was
from
everyone
I abstained
Robotic
Take
that
look
off
your
face
You
can
hardly
be
surprised
You
know
my heart
cannot
race
And
I’m
dead
behind
the
eyes
(Originally Posted 04.08.2020)
Take all of your keepsakes
They say
And put them in a box
That way you will always have
A reminder of who you’ve lost
But not everything can be locked away
And it’s those things that you miss
It’s not like a shirt can replace a hug
Or a photo a kiss
Sense (less)
I’m starting to forget.
Your face,
Your voice,
Your touch.
I don’t like it.
(Originally Posted 30.07.2019)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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