“I’ll Probably Never See You Again…”

When I first started 
Posting here
I was struggling
To hold on
A deep sadness
Had engulfed me
And all
Of my hope
Was gone

My partner
Of nigh on
Twenty years
Had died
Just four months
My heart
Was broken
And my life, then,
A token
That I was failing
To endure

Because, you see,
He'd been taken
From me
In the most horrific way
To witness
If you've never seen it
I can tell you,
With feeling,
Is a cunt
Of an illness

So I began
To write again
As a way
To express
My emotions
At best,
I might get
Some rest
If I recorded
My rambling notions

I knew
From the start
Some readers
Would baulk
At what I had
To lay bare
Suicidal thoughts
And self harm,
Of course,
All referenced
Without a care

But I had to be
To me
And reflect
What I
Was feeling
Even though I knew
The words
I'd spew
Might leave
More sensitive readers

And yet here
I have found
Such a welcoming crowd
Who've helped me
When times were tough
For their patience,
And understanding
I could never
Thank them

So if you find
From here on in
That I am not posting
As often
Please know that you are,
In no small part,
The reason
I've started
To soften

As for me
Well, I will see
If I can continue
To reduce
My pain
But I will take
Some comfort
And feel
A little triumphant
At least,
I entertained


Each Rose Has Its Thorns

There is a tendency

When your partner dies

If thinking back

To romanticise

Every little thing

They ever did or said

To remember nothing wrong

In the years you were wed

But as time rolls by you realise

This wasn’t always the case

And putting them on that pedestal

Is just your grief misplaced

It doesn’t mean you didn’t love them

Or that their death isn’t terrible

But to acknowledge their flaws

Is important because

It makes your life slightly

More bearable


Wasted Time

If I regret anything now

It’s all the arguments we had

The silent treatment I gave you

The things I did to make you mad

Now you’re no longer here

I can’t put those wrong things right

And I have no choice but to live with that

For the rest of my fucking life


(Originally Posted 14.02.2020)

Random #240

“And so, I checked all the registered historical facts
And I was shocked into shame to discover
How I’m the 18th pale descendant
Of some old queen or other”

Random #239

‘Tis better to be lowly born,
And range with humble livers in content,
Than to be perked up in a glist’ring grief,
And wear a golden sorrow.’

Henry VIII: Act II Scene III

Random #237

‘Some things are more important than ability’

Advert for a young guitar player, NME, 1989

On Burrafirth

Standing here at midnight

On these old viking grounds

Not so much

In awe of the lights

But more the darkness

That surrounds

Random #155

‘We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.’

– Robert Burns


You’ll say you miss him terribly

As you bleat and cry and whine

But all I’ll remember is when

You couldn’t stand to be near him then

Even half the fucking time

That Split Second

When I saw you
sleeping there

I couldn’t help
but stop and stare

Probably because
I was drunk too

Although nowhere
near as drunk as you

I had to walk over
and poke the bear

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