Tag: humour

Soft As Shit

Happy Valentine’s Day

He said

Here’s a teddy

And some flowers

I’d rather go without

She said

Than have to sit with you

For hours

5

Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

4

Pure Gallus

You may think

Your cheeky wink

Was both charming

And flirtatious

Yet your inane smile

And attempt to beguile

Tested nothing

But my patience

6

Netflix and (Actually) Chill

Please don’t think

That I’m not keen

Being intentionally rude

Or deliberately mean

I’m just not in the mood

To give you head

And I’d rather we watch

This box set instead

5

And I’d Know

You think yourself

Some fucking big shot

But really,

Is that all you’ve got?

‘Cause if what you’re giving

Is truly your best

Then you’re no bigger

Than all the rest

4

Sleight Of Hand

What do we have here?

He said 

Hand snaking

Towards his crotch 

I really can’t be arsed 

She said 

So I’ll just sit here

And watch

0

Succinct

What is life
He said
Without a little risk?

There’s testing the limit
She said
And then taking the piss

0

Afternoon Delights

“Oh, how I’ve missed this”

She said

Running her hands

Through his hair

That he wasn’t the first

Of the day for her

Was neither here

Nor there

4

Still Fucking Miserable

It’s about time

You reared

Your ugly head

I was panicked

Fearing

The worst

And yet soon

You’ll be wishing

I was still missing

As there’s no

Let-up

To my verse

8

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

27

Finding The Time

Ah, you’re still here

He said

So you’ve not popped

Your clogs yet?

It’s not for a lack of trying

She said

But the chance

Has been murder to get

2

From The Gallows

I remember,

Once,

He asked me

How I cope

With all these trials

I just use the darkest

Of humours,

I said,

Along with

The wryest of smiles

0

The Heat Of The Moment

I never said 

You weren’t thoughtful

Not conscientious or kind 

It’s just that when I said 

I wish you were dead 

I had other things

On my mind 

3

“That Plastering Needs Done”

If I was a little more forward

And not just so uptight

Then I’d stop being so awkward

And sleep with you tonight

But as it is I’m a coward

With no confidence at all

So the only thing I’ll see tonight

Are the cracks in my bedroom wall

0

Ann’s Summer

As she eyed it up

She wondered 

If she could connect 

With such a machine

You should put that back

Advised her friend 

As you don’t know 

Where it’s been

(Inspired by a writing prompt offered by Michael at https://afterwards.blog)

0

Resting Witch Face

I don’t need

To don a costume

Or paint my face

With vampiric

Ghoulishness

I’ve already spent

The year

As the epitome

Of drear

So there’s no need

For today’s foolishness

6

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

0

Oh, Please

Forgive my hyperbolic phrase

He said

‘Tis the burden of the poet

You’re just a pretentious cunt

She said

And don’t I fucking know it

4

Take My Advice

If you find my words too dreary
Then just scroll on, my dear
‘Cause if you are looking for cheery
There’s nothing for you here

2

Just Another Chore

Let’s make love tonight

He said

Until we reach

The heights of heaven

Just fucking stick it in

She said

I’ve got to be up

At seven

8

On Faith (And Smugness)

Go to bed

Say your prayers

Just ignore me

And the other nay sayers

If it makes you feel good

To utter those words

In the belief your request

Will be heard

Then pay no mind

To the likes of me

Heathens devoid

Of all piety

We’ll suffer one day

When He proves to be true

And we’ll regret not kneeling

Next to you

8

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