Tag: humour

Over The Hill

You think

A diet,

Hair dye,

And dentistry

Will help you

Find a mate

But, my dear,

Alas, I fear,

You’ve left it

Far too late

4

Pure Gallus

You may think

Your cheeky wink

Was both charming

And flirtatious

Yet your inane smile

And attempt to beguile

Tested nothing

But my patience

6

Netflix and (Actually) Chill

Please don’t think

That I’m not keen

Being intentionally rude

Or deliberately mean

I’m just not in the mood

To give you head

And I’d rather we watch

This box set instead

5

And I’d Know

You think yourself

Some fucking big shot

But really,

Is that all you’ve got?

‘Cause if what you’re giving

Is truly your best

Then you’re no bigger

Than all the rest

4

Sleight Of Hand

What do we have here?

He said 

Hand snaking

Towards his crotch 

I really can’t be arsed 

She said 

So I’ll just sit here

And watch

0

Succinct

What is life
He said
Without a little risk?

There’s testing the limit
She said
And then taking the piss

0

Afternoon Delights

“Oh, how I’ve missed this”

She said

Running her hands

Through his hair

That he wasn’t the first

Of the day for her

Was neither here

Nor there

4

Still Fucking Miserable

It’s about time

You reared

Your ugly head

I was panicked

Fearing

The worst

And yet soon

You’ll be wishing

I was still missing

As there’s no

Let-up

To my verse

8

Cheap Rent

Fancy coming up

He said

For a night

Of unbridled bliss?

I shouldn’t think so pal

She said

After all,

I’ve heard you piss!

Are you some kind of freak

He said

When someone pees

You listen in?

It honestly can’t be helped

She said

These walls

Are paper thin!

27

Finding The Time

Ah, you’re still here

He said

So you’ve not popped

Your clogs yet?

It’s not for a lack of trying

She said

But the chance

Has been murder to get

2

From The Gallows

I remember,

Once,

He asked me

How I cope

With all these trials

I just use the darkest

Of humours,

I said,

Along with

The wryest of smiles

0

The Heat Of The Moment

I never said 

You weren’t thoughtful

Not conscientious or kind 

It’s just that when I said 

I wish you were dead 

I had other things

On my mind 

3

“That Plastering Needs Done”

If I was a little more forward

And not just so uptight

Then I’d stop being so awkward

And sleep with you tonight

But as it is I’m a coward

With no confidence at all

So the only thing I’ll see tonight

Are the cracks in my bedroom wall

0

Ann’s Summer

As she eyed it up

She wondered 

If she could connect 

With such a machine

You should put that back

Advised her friend 

As you don’t know 

Where it’s been

(Inspired by a writing prompt offered by Michael at https://afterwards.blog)

0

Resting Witch Face

I don’t need

To don a costume

Or paint my face

With vampiric

Ghoulishness

I’ve already spent

The year

As the epitome

Of drear

So there’s no need

For today’s foolishness

6

Shut Eye

To expect a nightly vision

She said

Seems a tad extreme

I barely get to sleep

She said

Let alone to fucking dream

0

Oh, Please

Forgive my hyperbolic phrase

He said

‘Tis the burden of the poet

You’re just a pretentious cunt

She said

And don’t I fucking know it

4

Take My Advice

If you find my words too dreary
Then just scroll on, my dear
‘Cause if you are looking for cheery
There’s nothing for you here

2

Just Another Chore

Let’s make love tonight

He said

Until we reach

The heights of heaven

Just fucking stick it in

She said

I’ve got to be up

At seven

8

On Faith (And Smugness)

Go to bed

Say your prayers

Just ignore me

And the other nay sayers

If it makes you feel good

To utter those words

In the belief your request

Will be heard

Then pay no mind

To the likes of me

Heathens devoid

Of all piety

We’ll suffer one day

When He proves to be true

And we’ll regret not kneeling

Next to you

8

All You Need To Know

I know I’d suggested

Greeting cards

But as I see the humour in this

Perhaps I’d be more suited

To writing less convoluted

Patient information leaflets

The Human Rattle

Take
these
pills

To
cure
your
ills

And
mend
your
broken
heart

They’ll
give
you
chills

And
delay
your
thrills

But at
least
it’ll
be a
start

(Originally Posted 18.02.2020)

2

Anti Bodies

Nothing says

I love you

More than a course

Of antibiotics

Or two

St Valentine’s Day Rebuke

It’s that
time of
year
again

When
love
is in
the air

But so is
Covid,
TB and flu

So please
take your
bullshit
elsewhere

(Originally Posted 17.02.2020)

0

All Year Round

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I know Valentine’s

Was yesterday

But I still fucking hate you

No Love Lost

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I may very well

Have been a cunt

But so, my dear, have you

(Originally Posted 15.02.2021)

0

One Or The Other

The urge to bow out

With a bang

Has been never fucking ending

So let’s wait and see

Whether, tomorrow, said spree

Will be a killing or spending

The Spree

I’m
leaving
first
thing
in the
morning

And I’m
unsure
if I’ll
return

For I
have
so
many
scores
to settle

And a
shitload
of bridges
to burn

(Originally Posted 11.02.2020)

0

The Candidates

Looking at the others

She said

I really think we have a shot

Then we’d better pack our jumpers

He said

As where we’re headed won’t be hot

Dante’s Board Meeting

So
who
do we
have
next

He
said

To
endure
this
pain
and
sorrow

We
don’t
really
know

She
said

Until
the
vote
tomorrow

(Originally Posted 06.02.2020)

0

Asking For It

You have to accept

When you eat your friends

That they’re pretty adept

At taking revenge

The Dodgy Prawn

Sweating again

And feeling sick

All because of you

You little prick

(Originally Posted 16.01.2020)

0

The Clown

I’d rather just sit

In the corner and brood

As for your ‘humour’

I’m not in the mood

No Laughing Matter

I swear to you right now

On all that is good and holy

Your jokes rarely do anything

But kill me fucking slowly

(Originally Posted 12.01.2021)

0

Frostbite

Even if I wanted

To get up

And seize the day

It’s far too cold

For one so old

Outside anyway

Anhedonic

Trying
hard
to
survive

This
thing
called
life

Hoping
to fend
off the
madness

Striving
to find

Some peace
of mind

Underneath
this
duvet of
sadness

(Originally Posted 06.01.2020)

4

Inside And Out

I hope you don’t

Just mean your hair

But your personality too

For you’ve been such

A miserable cunt

Throughout 2022

A Change Is As Good As A Rest

A
new
year
begins

Bringing
with it a
new look

I really
hope you
like it

Considering
how long
it took

(Originally Posted 01.01.2020)

2

Maybe Next Year…

I know it’s only

One year on

But I’m still quite proud

Of this

Yet if I’ve had one thought

It’s that I should’ve sought

A better word

To rhyme with Elvis

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

(Originally Posted 29.12.2021)

9

Obviously

He was right

As it turns out

As it only took me

A minute

To abandon the joy

I’d tried to employ

As I had reached

My limit

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

And push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

(Originally Posted 28.12.2021)

2

We’re Here For It

You always were the joker

Who we could count on for a laugh

So it’s been hard to watch you

Being literally torn in half

But you don’t have to pretend with us

Or put on your best gameface

As we know, one day, that humour

Will return to its rightful place

GameFace

All I do is let
people down

They want
me to smile

But I can
only frown

For I no longer
have the energy

To be the person
they want me to be

(Originally Posted 27.11.2019)

7

Old Movies (2)

“Of all the gin joints
In all the world…
She walks into mine”

“I hope he doesn’t think
I came here for him
As I just fancied
A soda and lime”

Old Movies (1)

Come
death
come,
as fast
as you
can

As
frankly
my dear,
I don’t
give
a damn

(Originally Posted 04.11.2019)

6

Hot And Bothered

I reckon I could melt it

He said

Just by using my hands for warmth

I’m pretty sure at this point

She said

You’d need at least a fucking blowtorch

The Ice Queen

One
touch

Is
not
enough

I’ll
need
much
more

For
my
heart
to
thaw

(Originally Posted 27.10.2019)

0

A Way Of Life

Maybe she’s born with it…

Or maybe she’s just clinically depressed…

Moods

Ups and downs,

Peaks and troughs,

But the darkness?

That never stops…

(Originally Posted 10.10.2019)

0

Triple Jabbed

Well that lasted all of five minutes

As after that lockdown was lifted

I was out the front door like a shot

And did I care who touched me? Not a jot!

Deprived

I
honestly
don’t
remember

When
I last
felt
human
touch

And
as
time
goes
on

I’ve
started
to
feel

That
I actually
don’t
mind
too
much

(Originally Posted 07.10.2020)

6

Twisted

I actually quite like this one

It makes me laugh each time I read it

Though I do wonder, sometimes,

If there’s enough in my rhymes

For other people to see it

Romeo & Juliet (Alternative Version)

When
you think
about it,
he said,
true love
never dies.

Oh great
she said,
here we go,
another
hapless
fuckwit
to despise.

(Originally Posted 02.10.2019)

10

Allure

When I stopped the anti depressants

My feelings of lust were incessant

My thirst for bad boys,

Conmen and cowboys

All came back with a vengeance

(Well, those on TV shows at least)

Angels & Devils

Good men
do bad things

And good
women do too

If I was ever that way
inclined again

I’d do bad things
with you

(Originally Posted 13.08.2019)

8

Open To Interpretation

I’m not sure

If I meant this

In a playful way

Or not

Usually,

I would say I did

But back then

My humour

Was shot

Come Closer

I don’t bite.

Much.

(Originally Posted 27.08.2019)

6

Sticking To What I Know

Mostly I write poems

About depression, death and heartache

Yet sometimes I write poems, it seems,

Just for writing’s sake

This was one of those poems

Even now it doesn’t make much sense

Though I had just watched Braveheart (again)

If that’s any kind of defence

Masterplan

The
candle
grows
dimmer

As my
patience
wears
thinner

Whilst
I wait
for the
steel
to bolt

My
temper
a simmer

As
you
think
you’re
the
winner

Yet I
plan my
peasants’
revolt

(Originally Posted 25.08.2020)

8

‘The Sleeping Death’

Who am I trying to kid

She said

If anyone comes for me

It’ll be the evil queen

She said

With a poisoned apple or three

Kissing Frogs

I sit here on the sofa

All alone

With the hope of love

Completely gone

Yet I dare to dream

That perhaps one day

My prince will come

To kiss the pain away

(Originally Posted 23.08.2021)

0

Buy Cheap Buy Twice

If only I had a pound

For each session that started like this

I wouldn’t need a whip-round

For a better therapist

On The Couch

What’s worrying you today,

He asks.

Everything,

I reply.

(Originally Posted 14.08.2020)

8

Just A Tad

Melodramatic?

Me?

Never!

The Night Shift

Is it
too late
to phone
in sick?

For life…

(Originally Posted 31.07.2019)

2

Random #219

“It’s a good job we’re not having soup, or else I’d put me head in it and drown meself.”

– Shirley Valentine

0

Angling For Love

Am I supposed to just wait around

She said

Hoping that you will choose me?

Well, I’m worth way more than that

She said

And there’s plenty more fish in the sea

Torn

How will you know

She said

If it’s her or me?

I have no idea

He said

Confusedly

(Originally Posted 15.07.2020)

2

Some Old Fashioned Smut

It seems that every so often

I’ll write a cheeky one like this

I blame the Carry On films

I watched when I was a kid

Their irreverent innuendo

Now belongs to a time gone by

But they taught me comedic timing

And left a twinkle in my eye

Repetitive Strain Injury

Time is running out

She said

Remember we’re on the clock

I wish you’d just stop checking

He said

And focus on my… shoulder

(Originally Posted 11.07.2021)

4

Blurred Lines

I was thinking about this

Just last night

How I am not always

Visually inspired

Have I such little imagination

Lack a formal education

Or is it just that new glasses

Are required?

The Art Gallery

Sometimes
I think

I’m too
stupid to
understand

Sometimes
I think

I’m the
only one
that does

(Originally Posted 04.07.2019)

16

Gotcha!

Made me laugh out loud, this one

As it really is quite blunt

It never ceases to amaze me

How I can be such a

Con trol freak, at times

Trust Issues

Somebody
once
told
me

It will
all be
OK in
the end

Well, that
person
lied
to me

And so
is no
longer
my friend

(Originally Posted 16.06.2020)

7

Too Much Of A Good Thing

I should have gone with him that day

Instead of just staying in

As all I have to show

Now for saying no

Is one hell of a double chin

Better Plans

Shall we go out today

He said

Have a blast and give it our all

I’m afraid I already have a date

She said

With pizza, beer and football

(Originally Posted 14.06.2021)

2

Told You

I bumped into her

The other day

And it seems my prediction

Was right

As from what she said

He was so shit in bed

They didn’t even last

The night

Love’s Young Dream

Dance, you fools, dance

Dance far away from me

For I’ve seen all of the romance

That I need to see

I know only too well

How all this bullshit ends

Give it a year,

Maybe two,

And you won’t even be friends

(Originally Posted 08.06.2020)

2

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