Solo

Time flies

When you’re having fun

That’s why it’s still midnight

As I’m having none

Losing The Plot

If only this was a movie

One where the good guy wins

I wouldn’t be sitting here, alone,

Knocking back the gins

An Irish Confirmation

When he spoke

The congregation gasped

For what they heard

Could not be grasped

As the Saint he uttered

When the priest had asked

Was Judas

Then in the carnage, basked

Sex With The Ex

There’s a small amount of comfort

But it quickly becomes a chore

And when he tries to converse

You remember why he’s such a bore

Out Of Puff

We’ve got to move quickly

He said

Time is of the essence

Just go ahead without me

She said

I haven’t run since adolescence

Bodily Functions

If I could

He said

I really would love

To lie with you forever, like this

Really

She said

I couldn’t be arsed

Now shift – I need a piss

Conflicting Stories

I gave you everything I could

He said

Even if you don’t remember it

You gave me hell, heartbreak and hepatitis

She said

And your dope was shit

Rolling Out The Red Carpet

Presenter 1: ‘And the award for the biggest lie of them all goes to…’

(drum roll)

Presenters 1 & 2 in unison: ‘…I’m Fine!’

(applause)

Voiceover: ‘And collecting the award tonight are Honestly and I Promise, who both played a key role in supporting I’m Fine in the 2020 film ‘How Are You Today’

Up Front

Go on then pal 

Unbutton your flies

Let's see what

You've got tonight

Does that bulge

In your jeans

Really mean

What I think it means

Will you actually have

Enough in there to please

Or are you just

A pretentious tease...

Bluntly

Do you believe in soulmates

He asked

As he lay back in the bed

No

She said, bluntly

Now can we just fuck instead

Aperitif

Thanks for that my dear

He said

Would you like a cigarette?

Are you fucking serious

She said

We haven’t finished yet!

Cheapskate

You may as well keep the ring

He said

I’ve got no use for it

I’d rather keep my dignity

She said

Than this worthless piece of shit

Dear Google

Please stop sending me monthly timelines

Walking back and forth to the fridge doesn’t count

Oscar

'The reed used to like the rain...

... But that was merely her selfishness'

The Bakery Aisle

You’re in the supermarket on a cold winters day.

You’re minding your own business, pushing your trolley and checking items off your list when your nose twitches at the smell of freshly baked bread. Tempted, you wander over to the bakery.

Your stomach grumbles as you peruse the counter. Your eyes widen as they drink in the glorious delights on offer. Loaves, rolls, buns, cakes, pastries, biscuits, tarts: each as tantalising as the next. After much internal deliberation you finally decide which one to buy.

A chocolate eclair.

You signal your selection to the assistant who hands you your prize in a cardboard box, neatly tied with ribbon. You carefully place the box at the far end of your trolley, safely stowed away from heavier household goods that might roll around and crush it.

You finish the rest of your shopping a little quicker now, somehow lighter of step, and stride with purpose to the checkout.

You hastily pack and pick up your shopping bags but you grip the box tightly in your hand, carrying it safely all the way out to your car.

You drive along with the box calling to you, provocatively, on the passenger seat. You glance over every few minutes, stretching out a protective hand and smiling in anticipation.

You get home and unpack your shopping whilst waiting, impatiently, for the kettle to boil. The box consumes your thoughts as you drum your fingers on the counter top, and your excitement continues to build.

You sit down in your favourite chair and make yourself comfortable. You tenderly untie the ribbon and lift the lid of the box. You lick your lips as your heart quickens and you finally take a bite of the glistening chocolate eclair.

You begin to realise, as you chew, that it doesn’t taste as good as you thought it would.

The cream is artificial and bland. The pastry is soggy and sticks to your cheeks. The chocolate is saccharine and hurts your teeth.

Disappointed, you put the remaining piece of the chocolate eclair back into the box, close the lid and re-tie the ribbon. You throw the box in the bin without a care in the world.

And that’s what love is like.

Being lured in by the chocolate eclair when, all along, you really should have picked the strawberry tart.

(Originally Posted 07.03.2019)

 

Asses

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love is a pain

In the proverbial behind

Vaya Con Dios

Is this why we were put here

She said

To worship his favourite son?

I’m fucked if I know

He said

So let’s just have some fun

Leap of Faith

Why not
let me
show you
some magic,
he said,
as they lay
on the
laminate floor.

Your attempt
to woo me
is tragic,
she said,
but in
her heart
she wasn’t
so sure.

(Originally Posted 19.06.2019)

Overlooked

What would it take

For you to notice me

Wear a skimpy dress

Paint my lips so readily

Well all I have is my words

So I guess that counts me out

As there’s nothing at all about them

That suggests I’d like to hangout

Finding Fault

All 
you
do

He
said

Is
whine
and
moan

I'm
surprised
anyone
reads
this
pish

Well,
perhaps
if you

She
said

Weren't
such a
prick

My
words
wouldn't
so easily
flourish


Goodbyes

So long

Farewell

Auf Wiedersehen

Adieu

I never liked you anyway

Or the rest of your fucking crew

Out With The Old…

At least yesterday

I missed your feast

It was always the part

I liked the least

Faking a smile

Whilst passing the peas

Thank fuck that now

I can eat in peace

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