Tag: humour

Told You

I bumped into her

The other day

And it seems my prediction

Was right

As from what she said

He was so shit in bed

They didn’t even last

The night

Love’s Young Dream

Dance, you fools, dance

Dance far away from me

For I’ve seen all of the romance

That I need to see

I know only too well

How all this bullshit ends

Give it a year,

Maybe two,

And you won’t even be friends

(Originally Posted 08.06.2020)

2

Rhyme 101

I was obviously aiming

For something highbrow

Yet I fear this one

Misses the mark somehow

I’ve gotten better, I hope,

And developed this skill

So these words I can now

Consign to landfill

Underground

As
sinister
shadows
loom,
I
see
my
tomb.

Through
the
gloom,
my
dreams
resume.

(Originally Posted 20.05.2019)

2

God, I’m Good

Nearly two and a half

Thousand posts

And yet I can still

Surprise myself

Perhaps poetry

Is my future, actually,

So I shouldn’t just leave it

On the shelf

Circling

Like
vultures

Eyeing up
the bones

Of those who
went before us

Now rotting
on the stones

(Originally Posted 14.05.2020)

20

Tongue In Cheek

This actually sounds quite spicy

When I read it back

It looks like I meant

A ménage à trois

But I assure you

It wasn’t that

When I wrote

About ‘us two’

I was trying to state a fact

There wasn’t another person

Pining

It was just me and the cat

‘Sleepy Time’

Lying here

Just us two

Isn’t the same

Without you

Xxx

(Originally Posted 13.05.2020)

32

‘The Stugots’

Reckon I must have been watching

That show again when I wrote this

As the only threat I’m capable of giving

Is one of a Glasgow kiss

Omerta

Please
stop
your
incessant
noise

Or I’ll
send
round
one of
the boys

(Originally Posted 02.05.2020)

6

Next Day Delivery

If only you knew

All the shit I was buying

Just to see you

On my doorstep smiling

I’d be off your route

Immediately

The Delivery Man

You have no idea,

How much your sideways glance,

Hauls my weary heart,

Through yet another,

Lonely day…

(Originally Posted 29.04.2019)

12

Flattery

There is a fine line

She said

Between charm and bullshit

Get me another beer

She said

And we’ll see if you can find it

The Mutual Appreciation Society

Pour
yourself
a drink

And come
sit with me

Let’s tell
each other
stories

Of how we’re
meant to be

(Originally Posted 28.04.2020)

4

Cones

But there comes

A point

When enough

Is enough

Circles

Enough of you
is
too much

Too much of you
is
never enough

(Originally Posted 25.04.2019)

11

‘How You Doin’?’

A line once stolen

From a show on TV

Reworked and rewritten

Now belongs to me

Transgressions

In the beginning

I would always try

To be as honest as I could be

But in the end I fell

So far from the truth

That the line was a dot to me

(Originally Posted 19.04.2021)

11

Reading Out Loud

Although there is

A lot to be said

For these stream of consciousness pieces

There is a case to be made

For punctuation

As the ability to breathe decreases

Haste Ye Back

Something tells me this won’t be our last as you realise you want me and return so fast to where my arms do so openly await as we slowly allow that twist of fate to keep us ensconced together forever come hell or high water whatever the weather as the love we make is all we need for our hearts to open and minds to be freed

(Originally Posted 19.04.2020)

12

Thesaurus Required

Two cunts so far this week

Is perhaps a bit of a worry

I really don’t see me

Winning prizes for poetry

In any kind of a fucking hurry

Disdain

It would have been quite easy

Had you wanted to commit

To just imagine for a second

What it’s like to go through with it

But in the end you chose not to

Which leads me to be blunt

Because of the things you did not do

You really are a cunt

(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)

14

Actually…

I actually have

A lot more to give

Than this wee ditty suggests

I actually am

Quite the catch

Despite my ongoing protests

Damaged Goods

It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me

You
deserve
to be
happy

But
you
won’t
get to
share

In
anything
with
me

But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery

(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)

12

Pretentious

I guess I could say

I wanted to make

A few different points here

About the ‘disconnection’

Between body and mind

The betrayal of desire made clear

But I’d be lying

If I said these things

When the truth is actually thus

It was more that I wanted

To find a way

Of using the word egregious

Disconnection

She betrayed me again today

The little bitch

She always wants what I do not

Now I must fix

Her egregious mistake

Before both of us get caught

(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)

11

Random #180

“You know, being approachable isn’t that important, anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.”

– David Rose

5

Still Laughing At Bad Jokes

I definitely laugh more now

She said

I feel like that

Is damn good progress

I would tend to agree with you

He said

If it didn’t hinge

On my joke telling prowess

‘Laughing At Bad Jokes’

Seriously

He said

That was funny

Can’t you just crack a smile?

Wait a minute

She said

While I remember how

As it’s honestly been a while

(Originally Posted 15.03.20)

8

The Naivety Of Youth

He had a lucky escape

To be fair

Passing Notes in Class 6GA

I think we should stop seeing each other.

I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong and we are going to get found out. I feel so much guilt about what we’ve been doing – it’s not fair on her, you or me. It’s not right that we have to keep our relationship a secret. It means I cannot let you get close to me and you deserve more than that. You need someone who can show off what a brilliant guy you are. Not someone who has to hide you away. Like me.

I want you to know that the times we have shared have been really special to me. I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with you and that’s what makes this so much harder. But it has to be done. Although it kills me to say it: we cannot carry on. I love you with all my heart but putting an end to this now will be the best thing for us both in the long run.

I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll treasure the memories of our clandestine meetings forever.

Please don’t forget me. I know I’ll never forget you.

I’m sorry.

(Originally Posted 13.03.2019)

30

Random #163

“A True Maid”

No, no; for my virginity,
When I lose that, says Rose,
I’ll die:
Behind the elms last night, cried
Dick,
Rose, were you not
extremely sick?

– Matthew Prior

0

Until Next Year…

As the calendar page turns once more

We are granted our reprieve

Thank you so much Mariah

Now you can fucking leave

Take that whiny choirboy with you

And that dick who thinks he’s Elvis

Bing and Bowie can piss off too

With their ‘pa rum pum pum pum’ bullshit

We’re happy to wave you off John

Although your message is appreciated

Best take your mate Paul with you though

Before we have his keyboard castrated

It’s time to step out and away now Elton

With The Jacksons, Jonah and Chuck

And as for the ‘NYPD choir’

We couldn’t give less of a fuck

We’ll really only miss you George

Like we do nearly every day

So perhaps, this year, we could keep you

Instead of giving you away

27

Whatever You Say

I’m going to be happy today

She said

Push this sadness from my mind

I’ll give you half an hour

He said

And even then that’s being kind

18

Dating Advice

“You’d have so much to offer

If you could just proffer

A kindly look their way”

—

“My mouth may be broken

But I do have a shot gun

So I’m sure I’ll be ok”

20

Losing The Will

I can’t think of another ditty

Or come up with a different rhyme

Not when what I write is so shitty

More than half of the time

22

Running Before Walking

I know

That I’m not

Quite ready

Thoughts of him

Still rife

In my head

But if you

Come around

Happy to be

The rebound

Then I won’t kick you

Out of bed

16

Where Else?

I know

It comes across

Like I am rapacious

Between the sheets

But believe me

When I say

My tongue is firmly

In my cheek

31

Sorry Not Sorry

So now you’re back

You think I’ll crack

And give you my heart again

Well I’ve changed tack

And jumped into the sack

With your (much fitter) best friend

18

Dirty Minds

As you don’t seem

To get it

I’ll explain it again

Real quick

It wasn’t your love

I wanted

It was merely your

Conversation

30

Up ↑