This Coastal Town

I love living here

Next to the sea

On my cosy little croft

But the seagull noise

When I’m trying to sleep?

That can fuck right off

Breakfast

I know that it

Has been a while

But sure as eggs is eggs

You do have such

A winning smile

And a cracking pair of legs

Solo

Time flies

When you’re having fun

That’s why it’s still midnight

As I’m having none

An Irish Confirmation

When he spoke

The congregation gasped

For what they heard

Could not be grasped

As the Saint he uttered

When the priest had asked

Was Judas

Then in the carnage, basked

Sex With The Ex

There’s a small amount of comfort

But it quickly becomes a chore

And when he tries to converse

You remember why he’s such a bore

Out Of Puff

We’ve got to move quickly

He said

Time is of the essence

Just go ahead without me

She said

I haven’t run since adolescence

Bodily Functions

If I could

He said

I really would love

To lie with you forever, like this

Really

She said

I couldn’t be arsed

Now shift – I need a piss

Conflicting Stories

I gave you everything I could

He said

Even if you don’t remember it

You gave me hell, heartbreak and hepatitis

She said

And your dope was shit

Rolling Out The Red Carpet

Presenter 1: ‘And the award for the biggest lie of them all goes to…’

(drum roll)

Presenters 1 & 2 in unison: ‘…I’m Fine!’

(applause)

Voiceover: ‘And collecting the award tonight are Honestly and I Promise, who both played a key role in supporting I’m Fine in the 2020 film ‘How Are You Today’

Up Front

Go on then pal 

Unbutton your flies

Let's see what

You've got tonight

Does that bulge

In your jeans

Really mean

What I think it means

Will you actually have

Enough in there to please

Or are you just

A pretentious tease...

Bluntly

Do you believe in soulmates

He asked

As he lay back in the bed

No

She said, bluntly

Now can we just fuck instead

Aperitif

Thanks for that my dear

He said

Would you like a cigarette?

Are you fucking serious

She said

We haven’t finished yet!

Cheapskate

You may as well keep the ring

He said

I’ve got no use for it

I’d rather keep my dignity

She said

Than this worthless piece of shit

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