“I’ll Probably Never See You Again…”

When I first started 
Posting here
I was struggling
To hold on
A deep sadness
Had engulfed me
And all
Of my hope
Was gone

My partner
Of nigh on
Twenty years
Had died
Just four months
My heart
Was broken
And my life, then,
A token
That I was failing
To endure

Because, you see,
He'd been taken
From me
In the most horrific way
To witness
If you've never seen it
I can tell you,
With feeling,
Is a cunt
Of an illness

So I began
To write again
As a way
To express
My emotions
At best,
I might get
Some rest
If I recorded
My rambling notions

I knew
From the start
Some readers
Would baulk
At what I had
To lay bare
Suicidal thoughts
And self harm,
Of course,
All referenced
Without a care

But I had to be
To me
And reflect
What I
Was feeling
Even though I knew
The words
I'd spew
Might leave
More sensitive readers

And yet here
I have found
Such a welcoming crowd
Who've helped me
When times were tough
For their patience,
And understanding
I could never
Thank them

So if you find
From here on in
That I am not posting
As often
Please know that you are,
In no small part,
The reason
I've started
To soften

As for me
Well, I will see
If I can continue
To reduce
My pain
But I will take
Some comfort
And feel
A little triumphant
At least,
I entertained


‘Your Face Is As Mean As Your Life Has Been…’

Nothing can ever take away

These songs that saved my life

But watching you now

Though you can still wow

That tie really is a crime!

‘Handsome Devil’

was a

in my

now it’s
gone out

I have


Of that
can be

(Originally Posted 16.10.2019)

Random #240

“And so, I checked all the registered historical facts
And I was shocked into shame to discover
How I’m the 18th pale descendant
Of some old queen or other”

‘And then you spoke to me and said…’

You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

I was happy just to see you.
Being in the same building as you again sent chills
down my spine and welled tears in my eyes.
I had recognised your presence and then let it go.
Like always.

But you took it further, this time.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

I could not believe what was happening.
My foolish response - 'Wow, you know my name' -
swirling in the air around us,
choking me with its embarrassment.
You smiled your vacant smile.
You muttered something and walked away.

Words cannot describe how I felt.
You spoke to me without being forced.
You said my full name, without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

It made it all seem worthwhile.
The years of following you. The years of obsession.
You spoke to me.

I had to get another drink and light a cigarette.
So, I noticed, did you.

When you spoke to me that second time,
I don't think I was present.
I had seen you walking in my direction,
but I had ceased to exist.
You said 'I see you all the time at parties,
but I never get a chance to talk to you'.
I drowned in the ecstasy of your words,
and further still when you said 'See you soon'.

Those three words gave me so much hope.
Hope I never had before.
Not even after the notes...

For the rest of the night I watched you, watching me.
At least I pretended not to watch you,
pretending not to watch me.

But I was so happy.  Elated in fact.
You had spoken to me without being forced.
You said my full name without being told what it was.
You looked at me.

When you left the room, and I watched you go,
you didn't just take your pretty little head with you.
You took a piece of me too.
A piece of me that will be with you always,
and lost to me...

For MR

(Originally Posted 03/03/2019)


Random #34

‘When you say it’s gonna happen now

Well when exactly do you mean?

See I’ve already waited too long

And all my hope is gone…’

‘Hand In Glove’

Some days
your hand
in mine

Our love
flows freely
like wine

Some days
I can’t
to hold
your hand

For reasons,
you could

The Knight

You would come charging in on your white horse

Thinking you’re going to save the world, of course

But you’ve got nothing to offer underneath all of that armour

You don’t fool me, you know, you little charmer

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