Learning The Hard Way

I remember the inspiration

For this one

It was based on

A session I’d had

With a particularly

Shitty therapist

Back when I

Was clinically mad

He said my struggles

Were my own fault

And to get better

I ‘must try harder’

Yet I was the one

Who apologised to him

Like I was forced to

With my father

I’ve realised since

That I’d been conditioned

To seek out

The approval of men

To say sorry

For my shortcomings

To promise never

To do it again

But I

Am getting older now

And I can feel

The strength in myself

So all those men

Who have fucked me over

Can go and rot

In hell


Must Try Harder

You must try harder, he says

Harder to smile

Harder to laugh

Harder to forgive

Harder to forget

Harder to live again

Harder to love again

You must try harder, he says

I can’t, she whispers

I’m sorry

(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)

Random #172

“No one else is carrying the aftermath trauma you have endured inside their body. They are not paying the concequences. They are not managing the recovery.

Therefore their opinions are secondary to any and all things that help you heal.”

– Nate Postlethwait via @mindful_tom

Waking Thoughts

And so to yet

Another day

Resisting

The urge to cry

In a body

That is fighting

Hard to survive

But with a mind

That wants to die

In Loving Memory

The girl you knew is gone

She said

Killed by love itself

You don’t need to tell me

He said

For I dug her grave myself

Accountability

It was you who made things difficult

It was you who made things worse

You who added injury to insult

It was you who left me cursed

It was you who made me doubt myself

It was you who made me cry

You who just pleased yourself

It was you who never asked why

But as for all that has followed

All that has now came to be

Every pill that I have swallowed

That’s on no one else but me

Season’s Beatings

I fucking hate Christmas

Just like Christmas hates me

Walking on eggshells all day

Faking smiles around a tree

I learned when I was five

Santa doesn’t deliver for free

That he prefers ‘good little girls’

And the one he favoured that year was me

As an adult I’ve tried to make it better

To erase him from my memory

But I still fucking hate Christmas

Just like Christmas hates me

Random #150

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

– Carl Jung

Best In Show

You were hurt

And so was I

Not that it’s a competition

But if it was

Then rest assured

You could never beat my position

Settle In

Tell me all about your life

He said

And what has happened to you

You’ll need to give me a minute

She said

To think all this shit through

L’appel du Vide

I knew from the beginning

He said

Within you there was a spark

Writing is now a passion

She said

With misery my trademark

‘You Should Have Come In Sooner’

If only I could tell you

But you wouldn’t understand

I don’t know how to open up

Or even if I can

Sharing how I feel with you

Would be difficult at best

So I will just keep trudging on

With my cards close to my chest

Leaving Home

Just keep on walking

He said

And don’t you ever come back

Just stop fucking talking

She said

You’ve already won this attack

Ill-Prepared

I didn’t know it would hurt like this

He said

Or what I’d have to go through

There is no way of knowing

She said

Until it happens to you

Two Steps Back

Words don’t cut it

Anymore

So it’s back to the knives

Instead

I really thought

I was over this

But the trauma demon

Has to be fed

Perverse

It’s only when you lie

I find

That my pain goes away

But when you tell the truth

I find

I don’t know what to say

The Support Group

I do not come here

Every week

Looking for praise or reward

For I don’t deserve

Any of those things

Of that I have been assured

Daddy Dearest

Call me your sweetheart again

She said

And I’ll punch you in the face

For you never earned that right

She said

In the first fucking place

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