"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"
It hurts almost as much
To see how sad I was
As it does
To remember you
Reminders
It’s when it comes from nowhere,
that’s the worst.
The hysterical sobs that hit without warning.
When I’m driving and our song comes on the radio.
When a letter arrives and it’s addressed to you.
When I find a pair of your socks in my drawer.
My throat constricts,
as my lungs compress.
My stomach lurches,
as my heart laments.
And my eyes burn as I drown, slowly, in my own tears.
(Originally Posted 18.04.2019)
Thank God you came over
She said
I was starting to get bored
Now the real fun begins
He said
Of that you can rest assured
With A Twist
Is
it
too
early
to start
drinking
She
asked
As
this
is
too
much
to bear
That’s
exactly
what
I was
thinking
He
said
As
he
pulled
up a
chair
(Originally Posted 17.04.2020)
Now
I am just
Still
Every Day
Still hoping,
Still waiting,
Still holding,
Still wanting.
Still thinking,
Still grieving,
Still trying,
Still giving.
Still caring,
Still feeling,
Still crying,
Still fighting.
Still breathing,
Still living,
Still believing,
Still loving.
(Originally Posted 17.04.2019)
Dodging bullets
Since 1980
And showing no signs of stopping
The Loaded Gun
Time marches on
As I come undone
And my memories fade further away.
I try to hold on,
To ignore the gun
And trudge through yet another day.
(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)
So now we’ve disappeared
He said
What do you propose we do next
Absolutely fuck all
She said
Let’s just enjoy the rest
Off Grid
So
what
is your
plan
He
asked
Where
do we
go from
here?
I
haven’t
got a
clue
She
said
Shall
we
just
disappear?
(Originally Posted 16.04.2020)
I’ve been trying so hard
To be honest with you
To believe what I say
And mean what I do
But as I have struggled
This I know to be true
I must always and forever
Fake it with you
For You
I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.
I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.
I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.
(Originally Posted 16.04.2019)
It’s been a while
Since I’ve been up there
And for that I am glad
As I know next time
I climb those steps
I won’t ever be coming back
Indecision
It’s a long way to the bottom
from all the way up here.
As I stand and shiver
I can’t help but think…
What happens if I change my mind
halfway down?
(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)
Head in pain
Lying out in the rain
Wondering how
I’ll ever love again
NFA
If home
is where
the heart is,
then I’m
currently
of no
fixed abode.
(Originally Posted 15.04.2019)
Still here
Still pretending
Still living
With grief unending
Sick & Tired
And
so
begins
another
day
Where
I pretend
every
thing
is ok
If
only
there
was
another
way
As I
hate
being
such a
fucking
cliché
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
I just want you to know
She said
I haven’t missed you one bit
My life has improved dramatically
She said
Without your presence in it
Couldn’t Give A Fuck, Mate
I just
want
you to
know
He
said
That
I don’t
like you
anymore
Please,
join
the
queue
She
said
After
all, I’ve
been here
before
(Originally Posted 14.04.2020)
Two cunts so far this week
Is perhaps a bit of a worry
I really don’t see me
Winning prizes for poetry
In any kind of a fucking hurry
Disdain
It would have been quite easy
Had you wanted to commit
To just imagine for a second
What it’s like to go through with it
But in the end you chose not to
Which leads me to be blunt
Because of the things you did not do
You really are a cunt
(Originally Posted 13.04.2020)
It only took seconds
To write this one
And really, I should have binned it
Now it’s a lesson
That it’s not all progression
And sometimes, it’s better to edit
Success
Live, laugh, love
Comes the wisdom from above
Stop, sob, spite
Is what gets me through the night
(Originally Posted 13.04.2019)
I wrote this one
When I went back into the office
Although the thought of working
Left me feeling nauseous
I knew I had to return
And get it out of the way
But nothing really prepared me
For that difficult first day
All those well meaning people
Whose lives hadn’t changed a bit
All approaching me awkwardly
Asking how I was coping with it
Was there something they could say
Or anything they could do
Telling me they were here for me
Making sure that much I knew
I remember hiding in the bathroom
Just for a bit of peace
Hoping that back at my desk
Their annoying behaviour would cease
Then one day their fawning stopped
Like enough sympathy had been shown
And those incessant space invaders
Began to leave me the fuck alone
Space Invader
I know you are bored,
I know you are curious,
I know you are lonely,
but please,
just fuck off
and leave me alone.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
There’s nothing wrong with being self sufficient
She said
After all it’s got me this far
I never said you weren’t resilient
He said
But that doesn’t have to be all you are
Toolkit
You wish you could fix me,
But you can’t.
I wish I would let you,
But I won’t.
(Originally Posted 12.04.2019)
So you’re another year older, eh?
And yet you’re still a cunt
Aging it seems, sadly for you,
Changes nothing on that front
(Not Too) Many Happy Returns
Happy
Birthday
to you
I hope
you
have
fun
I didn’t
send you
a card
Because
you don’t
deserve
one
(Originally Posted 11.04.2020)
I don’t feel you with me anymore
When you’ve always been in my heart
I mean I know that you’re dead, sure
As your cancer tore us apart
But lately I’ve been missing you
When I never used to have to look
I’m beginning to think I imagined you
Like a character from a book
I need you to show me something
Just give me a little sign
That our connection still exists, somehow,
And I’m not losing my mind
It doesn’t matter what method you choose
And I’m not too fussed about when
I just need you to do it
As I cannot lose you again
Just
I don’t really want to die.
At least I don’t think I do.
I just want the pain to stop.
Every day is a battle I have less and less desire to fight.
Every day is an experience I have less and less desire to enjoy.
Every day is a puzzle I have less and less desire to complete.
I just want that spark back.
I just want you back.
I just want you.
(Originally Posted 11.04.2019)
There’s not much I can add
To this one
As the conflict still exists
To this day
Yes, there are days
When I can laugh
But those tears aren’t ever
Too far away
Conflict
I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.
As I soldier on, as best I can,
this simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions
is slowly killing me.
(Originally Posted 10.04.2019)
You must decide
Who you want to let go
And who it is you want to retain
For there is no way
I can spend another day
Going over all this again
Right Person / Wrong Time
I do
appreciate
what
we
had
But
lament
what
could
have
been
You
and
me
together
forever
With
nobody
inbetween
(Originally Posted 09.04.2020)
The days still march on,
But now I run forward.
Always in step,
Everything in place,
And just about in time.
Out
The days march on,
But I trail behind.
Out of step,
Out of place,
Out of time.
(Originally Posted 09.04.2019)
I actually have
A lot more to give
Than this wee ditty suggests
I actually am
Quite the catch
Despite my ongoing protests
Damaged Goods
It
really
isn’t
you,
it’s me
You
deserve
to be
happy
But
you
won’t
get to
share
In
anything
with
me
But
sadness,
heartache
and
untold misery
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
If only I’d been honest
Back then
And told him how I felt
I wouldn’t be lying
Here alone again
Ruing the blow I dealt
Pillow Talk
I’ll
never
be able
to give
you
Exactly
what
you
want
I can be
your
standby
fuck
buddy
But
never
your
confidant
(Originally Posted 08.04.2020)
I no longer go to confession
For who is He
To mete out my punishment?
As if in just one session
There could possibly be
Anything close to moral replenishment
Hail Mary
You’d think
now I
have more
time on
my hands
I’d be
thinking
about the
future and
making plans
Yet I
sit here
dwelling on
that one
transgression
Knowing
it’s too
late now
give my
confession
(Originally Posted 07.04.2020)
This was the first of many like this
She said
Although they became much more refined
I’m just waiting for the day
He said
Where our roles are more clearly defined
He Said/She Said
One day
You might be somebody’s something
He said
But today
I am nobody’s nothing
She said
One day
Somebody might love you
He said
But today
Nobody does
She said
(Originally Posted 07.04.2019)
I spend less time by the river
Nowadays
It’s not my preferred option
Anyways
Drowning
The girl in the river,
She never thought she would be.
The girl in the river,
She didn’t want you to see.
The girl in the river,
She just wanted to be free.
The girl in the river,
She is me.
(Originally Posted 06.04.2019)
Were you ever lovers?
Or was he just your friend
I guess now I’ll never know
Who he wanted in the end
Second Fiddle
Drunkenly
wishing
upon a
star
Won’t
make my
dreams
come true
For he’ll
never be
able to
love me
Half as
much as
he loved
you
(Originally Posted 06.04.2020)
This seems to have served you well
He said
With plenty of folks who enjoy reading
I never thought I’d get this far
She said
Let alone that I’d be succeeding
Talentless
I wish I could
take your plaudit
But I just write
what comes to me
My inability
to self edit
Laid bare for
all to see
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Had another day
Like this yesterday
After quite a few
Of feeling ok
The only way
Was in bed to lay
In order to
Keep those demons at bay
Who Gives A Fuck? (Not Me)
What do I do
Now all hope is gone
And I am left here
On my own
Somehow still alive
But gasping for air
Unable to thrive
Yet unwilling to care
(Originally Posted 05.04.2020)
Not only is my bed
Still a blessed sanctuary
But back then,
Believe you me,
It was entirely fucking necessary
Fear
I’m
going
back
to bed
It’s
not
worth
staying
awake
From
these
thoughts
in my
head
I need a
fucking
break
(Originally Posted 04.04.2020)
And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
The scars I carry
Across my body
May well be off the chart
But now I focus
On pulling myself together
Instead of tearing myself apart
Relief
As I
open
up my
scars
The
blood
flows
once
more
As I
begin
to see
stars
I fall,
sated,
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
It must be
The child in me
That tests people like I do
But if you could see
What happened to me
Then you’d be wary of people too
Friendship
Every time I make you laugh another part of me dies inside.
For you can never be the one to whom I can confide.
It’s my own fault, I know too well, as I should not try to pretend.
But if you could see past my facade, you’d make a cracking friend.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
You were never once
In my possession
Yet you’ll forever be
My complete obsession
Everything
You
are the one
I will never
forget
I
am the one
you have already
forgotten
(Originally Posted 01.04.2019)
Why do we bother to love
She said
When it really is
So cruel
I’ve got no idea
He said
It’s not me who makes the rules
Savages
So now
you’re
leaving
me too
Now
you have
broken
my heart?
Well
fuck off
back to
her then
I’ll
soon
tear you
apart
(Originally Posted 01.04.2020)
I can be quite poetic,
It seems
When I put my mind to it
This one serving to remind me
It doesn’t always need
To be ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’
The Birds
Looking up to the sky
This foreboding feeling grows
As I see the unkindness of ravens
And hear the murder of crows
(Originally Posted 31.03.2021)
It’s not just coping
With the grief
For your beloved one
Who dies
It is also dealing
With the loss
Of everyone else
You leave behind
True Colours
What
else
did
you
lose
She
asked
On
the
day
he
died?
All
the
love
and
respect
I
once
had
for
you
She
bitterly
replied
(Originally Posted 31.03.2020)
In difference to the year before
I’d travelled down to Glasgow here
I met up with an old friend
To discuss another one over beer
What a difference a year can make
Along with some heavy anti-depressants
As you can see I was far happier
And had never felt more present
Old Faces
I
loved
talking
to you
so much
tonight
It
bought
a tear
to my
eye
It seems
there’s
no one
else I
want to
sit with
And
watch
the
world
go by
(Originally Posted 30.03.2020)
Jesus.
How depressed was I?
I’d travelled over to Dublin
Albeit with a heavy sigh
I remember all those people
And all the fun they had
I remember trying to fit in
Even though I was pretty much mad
It’s sad to think back now
On just how much I missed
As I may well have been there in person
But I clearly did not want to exist
Travel
It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.
How beautiful the country you visit,
How fascinating the people you meet,
How much booze you drink.
You can’t run away from your thoughts.
You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.
Travel solves nothing.
(Originally Posted 30.03.2019)
I met him again
Last week in town
Just me and him
No one else around
It was quite nice
When we went to bed
I didn’t pay much mind
To his empty head
But upon waking
I knew it was a mistake
So I said my goodbyes
Saving myself the headache
Sex With The Ex
There’s a small amount of comfort
But it quickly becomes a chore
And when he tries
To converse
You remember why he’s such a bore
(Originally Posted 29.03.2021)
Still here
Still play-acting
And still, no one has noticed
Pretence
People are easy to fool, I find, on the whole.
They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…
(Originally Posted 29.03.2019)
Aware. Authentic.
Bold. Brave.
Charming. Creative.
Different. Defiant.
Enlightened. Expert.
Fearless. Feisty.
Grateful. Grounded.
Honorable. Hopeful.
Impassioned. Impressive.
Joyful. Jovial.
Knowledgeable. Kindhearted.
Lively. Loyal.
Mysterious. Memorable.
Novel. Noteworthy.
Original. Outrageous.
Passionate. Powerful.
Quirky. Quick-witted.
Realistic. Reliable.
Self reliant. Safe.
Thoughtful. Tender.
Upright. Unique.
Visible. Valued.
Worldly. Willing.
Xxx
Young. Yielding.
Zealous.
Alphabet Heart (Pt I)
Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.
(Originally Posted 28.03.2019)
I know how I can come across
Yet I am actually quite forgiving
But there are some for who
Bile I will spew
Every day that I am living
Et Tu, Brute?
Out of
everyone
it could
have been
I didn’t
expect
it to
be you
I thought
you’d side
with me
forever
Not be
first
in the
queue
(Originally Posted 27.03.2020)
Back in the day
The only way
Was to express my grief
In paragraphs
I avoided talking
Like the plague
And couldn’t look
At photographs
I knew that it
Was wrong of me
But in my sadness
I was frozen
There was no option
For me back then
No other path
I could have chosen
But now I find
Day in day out
I can move
A little bit more
I am becoming unstuck,
It seems
Of that much
I am sure
I can only hope
As time goes on
Things continue
In this vain
And I’m never physically,
Mentally or emotionally
So immovable
Again
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to lift your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wind with a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
(Originally Posted 26.03.2019)
It’s sad to think
I was on the brink
With thoughts so dark
Back then
At least now
I feel better, somehow
So won’t need that knife
Again
Cards On The Table
So this is
what it
amounts to
All I have
to show for
my life
Do you
know
I can’t
actually
be arsed
Please,
just pass me
the knife
(Originally Posted 26.03.2020)
It seems she took back to it
Just like a duck to water
But just because
She dropped her drawers
It doesn’t mean we should applaud her
(Hot)Wired
How
will
it
feel
She
asks
As
I don’t
think
I know
I’ve
forgotten
what it
means
She
says
When
something
stirs
below
(Originally Posted 25.03.2020)
I remember the inspiration
For this one
It was based on
A session I’d had
With a particularly
Shitty therapist
Back when I
Was clinically mad
He said my struggles
Were my own fault
And to get better
I ‘must try harder’
Yet I was the one
Who apologised to him
Like I was forced to
With my father
I’ve realised since
That I’d been conditioned
To seek out
The approval of men
To say sorry
For my shortcomings
To promise never
To do it again
But I
Am getting older now
And I can feel
The strength in myself
So all those men
Who have fucked me over
Can go and rot
In hell
Must Try Harder
You must try harder, he says
Harder to smile
Harder to laugh
Harder to forgive
Harder to forget
Harder to live again
Harder to love again
You must try harder, he says
I can’t, she whispers
I’m sorry
(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)
I still stand by this.
Completely.
Lies
There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.
And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
I guess I could say
I wanted to make
A few different points here
About the ‘disconnection’
Between body and mind
The betrayal of desire made clear
But I’d be lying
If I said these things
When the truth is actually thus
It was more that I wanted
To find a way
Of using the word egregious
Disconnection
She betrayed me again today
The little bitch
She always wants what I do not
Now I must fix
Her egregious mistake
Before both of us get caught
(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)
I wrote this one
Two years ago
When the pandemic
The world had changed
Yet reading it again
It could well be written now
By those poor souls
In Ukraine
Surreal
It is
just so
unbelievable
That things
have come
to this
Who or
what will
save us?
As we
stare into
the abyss…
(Originally Posted 22.03.2020)
I have never set out
To offend
To hurt,
Or cause anyone displeasure
But I do understand
The words from my hand
Are too heavy for some to treasure
Dear Reader
Sometimes
my words
are so
savage
I even
surprise
myself
It’s like
the page
I must
ravage
With no
care at
all for
yourself
(Originally Posted 21.03.2020)
I try far less
Nowadays
And for that I am glad
For there’s only so many
Scars I can bear
And so many stitches
To be had
Hiding The Knives
No amount
of blood,
sweat and
tears
Will ever
be enough
to assuage
these fears
Believe
me
I’ve
tried
(Originally Posted 21.03.2020)
If only I was able
To be more optimistic
But I’ve been around enough
To know life is tough
So it’s better to be fatalistic
Fuck It
It doesn’t matter
How hard we try
We still fuck it all up
In the end.
(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)
I don’t want to drink with you
I don’t even want to smoke
I just need you to fuck me
For you’re my only hope
The Two Of Us
I don’t want just anyone,
I only want you.
To feel you,
Touch you,
Wrap my arms around you.
Hold you,
Squeeze you,
Bring me to my knees,
You.
It’s always been you.
(Originally Posted 20.03.2020)
Never
Of course not
I shouldn’t think so
Don’t be stupid
Obviously not
You should
You won’t
Fuck knows
Of course
Yes
Questions
When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?
(Originally Posted 20.03.2019)
I’m glad that we
Both walked away
Before things went too far
Now I can see
It wasn’t the way
To mend our broken hearts
Immoral
This
can’t
go on
We
mustn’t
continue
As the
guilt is
seeping
Into
every
sinew
It
has to
stop
It
shouldn’t
have
started
As
we’re
making a
mockery
Of our
dearly
departed
(Originally Posted 19.03.2020)
It took me a while to accept it
But now I know that it’s true
So all I have are these memories
From those days of me and you
Xxx
Still Hear
I still hear
Your key rattle in the door
I still hear
Your footsteps across the floor
I still hear
Your rubbish music playing
I still hear
Your awesome temper fraying
I still hear
You impart your innate wisdom
I still hear
You berate with fierce criticism
I still hear
You sing your daft wee songs
I still hear
The bubble of your endless bongs
I still hear
You chew too loudly when you eat
I still hear
The thump of your heart beat
I still hear
Your laugh and your wry chuckle
I still hear
Your beloved belt unbuckle
I still hear
Your enticing voice roar
I still hear
Your thunderous snore
I still hear
Your exasperated sigh
I still hear
Your exhausted cry
Oh, how I wish you were
Still Here
(Originally Posted 19.03.2019)
Still,
It’s fun at the time
Two Day Hangovers
You can take a tablet
To halt a head ache
You can eat a sandwich
To settle a queasy stomach
You can sleep a while
To revive your weary bones
But the self loathing?
That shit lingers inside your head for days
And there’s nothing you can do to help that
God, hangovers are awful
(Originally Posted 18.03.2019)
With bubbles fizzing
On my tongue
And sugar sticking
To my teeth
I can’t help but laugh
At that photograph
Knowing now what lay beneath
On (A) High
I
hope
you
will
remember
The
next
time
you
are
sad
I
could
have
been
there
for you
But
you
blew
every
chance
you had
So
now
you
will
find
me
Sitting
in my
ivory
tower
instead
Eating
strawberries
and
glugging
champagne
From
the
comfort
of my
bed
(Originally Posted 18.03.2020)
If there is anything
I regret at all
It’s that leaving took me so long
I wouldn’t usually struggle
To get out of trouble
Or to right such a fucking wrong
Emancipation
I’m so
happy
I got
out of
there
As my
mind
was
going
fuck
knows
where
At
least
now
a smile
I can
wear
Whilst
I walk
around
without
a care
(Originally Posted 18.03.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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