And here I lie
My heart still broken
Knowing this to be
The truest word I’ve spoken
Who Knew
I’d never realised
the word heartbreak
was meant literally,
until now
(Originally Posted 04.04.2019)
Arid
I remember people telling me
My emotions would return
That the numbness I felt
Would resolve itself
And I shouldn’t
Be too concerned
But I knew
Right from the off
That it was the end for me
My well had run dry
And I’d said goodbye
To who I used to be
So although now
I may joke
To those same people
About how
I am ‘dead inside’
I’ve never been more certain
Of its truth
And from that
There’s nowhere to hide
Tributary
The love
I once
had to
give
Ran so
deep
and
wide
But now,
it seems,
the river
is dry
As I’m
all but
dead
inside
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
Relieved
The scars I carry
Across my body
May well be off the chart
But now I focus
On pulling myself together
Instead of tearing myself apart
Relief
As I
open
up my
scars
The
blood
flows
once
more
As I
begin
to see
stars
I fall,
sated,
to the
floor
(Originally Posted 03.04.2020)
Thera-Pets
I don’t think I would’ve ever
Got out of bed back then
If it wasn’t to feed my cat
I was quite happy
To starve myself again
But there was no way he deserved that
Mornings
Mornings are the worst.
Trying to muster the energy to get up, get dressed and leave the house.
Trying to summon the confidence to get through yet another day, without you.
To be honest, I’d rather not bother.
But I suppose I do have bills to pay.
And I do have to feed the cat.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
Learning To Trust
It must be
The child in me
That tests people like I do
But if you could see
What happened to me
Then you’d be wary of people too
Friendship
Every time I make you laugh another part of me dies inside.
For you can never be the one to whom I can confide.
It’s my own fault, I know too well, as I should not try to pretend.
But if you could see past my facade, you’d make a cracking friend.
(Originally Posted 02.04.2019)
Everything Still
You were never once
In my possession
Yet you’ll forever be
My complete obsession
Everything
You
are the one
I will never
forget
I
am the one
you have already
forgotten
(Originally Posted 01.04.2019)
Our Demise
Why do we bother to love
She said
When it really is
So cruel
I’ve got no idea
He said
It’s not me who makes the rules
Savages
So now
you’re
leaving
me too
Now
you have
broken
my heart?
Well
fuck off
back to
her then
I’ll
soon
tear you
apart
(Originally Posted 01.04.2020)
Sporadic Profanity
I can be quite poetic,
It seems
When I put my mind to it
This one serving to remind me
It doesn’t always need
To be ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’
The Birds
Looking up to the sky
This foreboding feeling grows
As I see the unkindness of ravens
And hear the murder of crows
(Originally Posted 31.03.2021)
So It Seems
It’s not just coping
With the grief
For your beloved one
Who dies
It is also dealing
With the loss
Of everyone else
You leave behind
True Colours
What
else
did
you
lose
She
asked
On
the
day
he
died?
All
the
love
and
respect
I
once
had
for
you
She
bitterly
replied
(Originally Posted 31.03.2020)
Wow Part #2
In difference to the year before
I’d travelled down to Glasgow here
I met up with an old friend
To discuss another one over beer
What a difference a year can make
Along with some heavy anti-depressants
As you can see I was far happier
And had never felt more present
Old Faces
I
loved
talking
to you
so much
tonight
It
bought
a tear
to my
eye
It seems
there’s
no one
else I
want to
sit with
And
watch
the
world
go by
(Originally Posted 30.03.2020)
Wow Part #1
Jesus.
How depressed was I?
I’d travelled over to Dublin
Albeit with a heavy sigh
I remember all those people
And all the fun they had
I remember trying to fit in
Even though I was pretty much mad
It’s sad to think back now
On just how much I missed
As I may well have been there in person
But I clearly did not want to exist
Travel
It doesn’t matter where in the world you go.
How beautiful the country you visit,
How fascinating the people you meet,
How much booze you drink.
You can’t run away from your thoughts.
You might have a different view from your window but your soul will remain as black as the night sky and, beneath it all, you’ll still be the same fuck up you always were.
Travel solves nothing.
(Originally Posted 30.03.2019)
The Midland Hotel
I met him again
Last week in town
Just me and him
No one else around
It was quite nice
When we went to bed
I didn’t pay much mind
To his empty head
But upon waking
I knew it was a mistake
So I said my goodbyes
Saving myself the headache
Sex With The Ex
There’s a small amount of comfort
But it quickly becomes a chore
And when he tries
To converse
You remember why he’s such a bore
(Originally Posted 29.03.2021)
Still A Worthy Actress
Still here
Still play-acting
And still, no one has noticed
Pretence
People are easy to fool, I find, on the whole.
They are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t notice me standing there, amongst them, pretending to be happy…
(Originally Posted 29.03.2019)
Alphabet Heart (Part II)
Aware. Authentic.
Bold. Brave.
Charming. Creative.
Different. Defiant.
Enlightened. Expert.
Fearless. Feisty.
Grateful. Grounded.
Honorable. Hopeful.
Impassioned. Impressive.
Joyful. Jovial.
Knowledgeable. Kindhearted.
Lively. Loyal.
Mysterious. Memorable.
Novel. Noteworthy.
Original. Outrageous.
Passionate. Powerful.
Quirky. Quick-witted.
Realistic. Reliable.
Self reliant. Safe.
Thoughtful. Tender.
Upright. Unique.
Visible. Valued.
Worldly. Willing.
Xxx
Young. Yielding.
Zealous.
Alphabet Heart (Pt I)
Atrophied. Abandoned.
Bleak. Barren.
Crumpled. Cracked.
Dark. Dank.
Embittered. Enraged.
Failed. Forgotten.
Garotted. Gutted.
Hateful. Haunted.
Indignant. Idle.
Jagged. Jaded.
Knocked. Knotted.
Longing. Lost.
Maudlin. Morose.
Nightmarish. Numb.
Obstructed. Obliterated.
Paralysed. Prone.
Quiet. Queasy.
Rotten. Ravaged.
Stolen. Shattered.
Traumatised. Tainted.
Unloveable. Undone.
Violated. Vanquished.
Weeping. Wasted.
Xxx
Yearning. Yawning.
Zero.
(Originally Posted 28.03.2019)
Those Treacherous Bastards
I know how I can come across
Yet I am actually quite forgiving
But there are some for who
Bile I will spew
Every day that I am living
Et Tu, Brute?
Out of
everyone
it could
have been
I didn’t
expect
it to
be you
I thought
you’d side
with me
forever
Not be
first
in the
queue
(Originally Posted 27.03.2020)
Becoming Unstuck
Back in the day
The only way
Was to express my grief
In paragraphs
I avoided talking
Like the plague
And couldn’t look
At photographs
I knew that it
Was wrong of me
But in my sadness
I was frozen
There was no option
For me back then
No other path
I could have chosen
But now I find
Day in day out
I can move
A little bit more
I am becoming unstuck,
It seems
Of that much
I am sure
I can only hope
As time goes on
Things continue
In this vain
And I’m never physically,
Mentally or emotionally
So immovable
Again
Immovable
It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to lift your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wind with a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.
I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.
Please, send help.
(Originally Posted 26.03.2019)
The Restoration
It’s sad to think
I was on the brink
With thoughts so dark
Back then
At least now
I feel better, somehow
So won’t need that knife
Again
Cards On The Table
So this is
what it
amounts to
All I have
to show for
my life
Do you
know
I can’t
actually
be arsed
Please,
just pass me
the knife
(Originally Posted 26.03.2020)
Too Easy
It seems she took back to it
Just like a duck to water
But just because
She dropped her drawers
It doesn’t mean we should applaud her
(Hot)Wired
How
will
it
feel
She
asks
As
I don’t
think
I know
I’ve
forgotten
what it
means
She
says
When
something
stirs
below
(Originally Posted 25.03.2020)
Learning The Hard Way
I remember the inspiration
For this one
It was based on
A session I’d had
With a particularly
Shitty therapist
Back when I
Was clinically mad
He said my struggles
Were my own fault
And to get better
I ‘must try harder’
Yet I was the one
Who apologised to him
Like I was forced to
With my father
I’ve realised since
That I’d been conditioned
To seek out
The approval of men
To say sorry
For my shortcomings
To promise never
To do it again
But I
Am getting older now
And I can feel
The strength in myself
So all those men
Who have fucked me over
Can go and rot
In hell
Must Try Harder
You must try harder, he says
Harder to smile
Harder to laugh
Harder to forgive
Harder to forget
Harder to live again
Harder to love again
You must try harder, he says
I can’t, she whispers
I’m sorry
(Originally Posted 24.03.2019)
Truths
I still stand by this.
Completely.
Lies
There is no better place.
Those we love don’t walk beside us.
There are no other rooms.
You will stand at that grave and weep.
There are more than five stages.
There are more than two parts.
Tears are not silent.
There is no peace or comfort to find.
Time heals nothing.
You’ll always walk alone.
And grief is like a fucking tsunami,
so good luck learning to swim in that.
(Originally Posted 23.03.2019)
Pretentious
I guess I could say
I wanted to make
A few different points here
About the ‘disconnection’
Between body and mind
The betrayal of desire made clear
But I’d be lying
If I said these things
When the truth is actually thus
It was more that I wanted
To find a way
Of using the word egregious
Disconnection
She betrayed me again today
The little bitch
She always wants what I do not
Now I must fix
Her egregious mistake
Before both of us get caught
(Originally Posted 22.03.2021)
Solidarity
I wrote this one
Two years ago
When the pandemic
The world had changed
Yet reading it again
It could well be written now
By those poor souls
In Ukraine
Surreal
It is
just so
unbelievable
That things
have come
to this
Who or
what will
save us?
As we
stare into
the abyss…
(Originally Posted 22.03.2020)
Too Graphic
I have never set out
To offend
To hurt,
Or cause anyone displeasure
But I do understand
The words from my hand
Are too heavy for some to treasure
Dear Reader
Sometimes
my words
are so
savage
I even
surprise
myself
It’s like
the page
I must
ravage
With no
care at
all for
yourself
(Originally Posted 21.03.2020)
Elastic Bands
I try far less
Nowadays
And for that I am glad
For there’s only so many
Scars I can bear
And so many stitches
To be had
Hiding The Knives
No amount
of blood,
sweat and
tears
Will ever
be enough
to assuage
these fears
Believe
me
I’ve
tried
(Originally Posted 21.03.2020)
‘A Waste Of Petrol, Time And Hope’
If only I was able
To be more optimistic
But I’ve been around enough
To know life is tough
So it’s better to be fatalistic
Fuck It
It doesn’t matter
How hard we try
We still fuck it all up
In the end.
(Originally Posted 21.03.2019)
The Substitute
I don’t want to drink with you
I don’t even want to smoke
I just need you to fuck me
For you’re my only hope
The Two Of Us
I don’t want just anyone,
I only want you.
To feel you,
Touch you,
Wrap my arms around you.
Hold you,
Squeeze you,
Bring me to my knees,
You.
It’s always been you.
(Originally Posted 20.03.2020)
Answers
Never
Of course not
I shouldn’t think so
Don’t be stupid
Obviously not
You should
You won’t
Fuck knows
Of course
Yes
Questions
When does this pain end?
Have I not suffered enough?
Will things ever change?
Does time heal everything?
Am I done?
Do I care?
Shall I?
Go where?
Alone?
Forever?
(Originally Posted 20.03.2019)
It Wasn’t Right
I’m glad that we
Both walked away
Before things went too far
Now I can see
It wasn’t the way
To mend our broken hearts
Immoral
This
can’t
go on
We
mustn’t
continue
As the
guilt is
seeping
Into
every
sinew
It
has to
stop
It
shouldn’t
have
started
As
we’re
making a
mockery
Of our
dearly
departed
(Originally Posted 19.03.2020)
You’re Gone
It took me a while to accept it
But now I know that it’s true
So all I have are these memories
From those days of me and you
Xxx
Still Hear
I still hear
Your key rattle in the door
I still hear
Your footsteps across the floor
I still hear
Your rubbish music playing
I still hear
Your awesome temper fraying
I still hear
You impart your innate wisdom
I still hear
You berate with fierce criticism
I still hear
You sing your daft wee songs
I still hear
The bubble of your endless bongs
I still hear
You chew too loudly when you eat
I still hear
The thump of your heart beat
I still hear
Your laugh and your wry chuckle
I still hear
Your beloved belt unbuckle
I still hear
Your enticing voice roar
I still hear
Your thunderous snore
I still hear
Your exasperated sigh
I still hear
Your exhausted cry
Oh, how I wish you were
Still Here
(Originally Posted 19.03.2019)
Fridays
Still,
It’s fun at the time
Two Day Hangovers
You can take a tablet
To halt a head ache
You can eat a sandwich
To settle a queasy stomach
You can sleep a while
To revive your weary bones
But the self loathing?
That shit lingers inside your head for days
And there’s nothing you can do to help that
God, hangovers are awful
(Originally Posted 18.03.2019)
The High Life
With bubbles fizzing
On my tongue
And sugar sticking
To my teeth
I can’t help but laugh
At that photograph
Knowing now what lay beneath
On (A) High
I
hope
you
will
remember
The
next
time
you
are
sad
I
could
have
been
there
for you
But
you
blew
every
chance
you had
So
now
you
will
find
me
Sitting
in my
ivory
tower
instead
Eating
strawberries
and
glugging
champagne
From
the
comfort
of my
bed
(Originally Posted 18.03.2020)
Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind 
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